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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: I cant let it go  (Read 888 times)
Yoke
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« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2020, 09:49:01 AM »

@Cromwell. Why do you just cut out things i write, you asks me questions but never respond what i wrote?.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2020, 03:20:35 AM »

Yoke what would you like me to respond to.

 I havent seen you in many months here and the last time you have seen  her made you seriously ill?

Did I interfere? Did I tell you to stay away from her?

Is your Health less important than this relationship?

Many of you here thinks/ feel pure hate towards BPD because of your own pain you have got from them. But if you only feel pure pain, are you not like them? Thinking just black/white. Myself, i do belive that there is good in every person. No one is totally evil...something to think about?.../ Yoke

I have not seen her for over a year, I have not been with her in 2. There is nothing to love or hate or anything else, I detached Yolk, she is an ex-girlfriend that I have nothing to with anymore. It took time, therapy, I have recovered and my life has continued on.

People here are at different stages in dealing with a very complex situations they have been in. We are both on a detaching and learning board, I thought you want to detach from a relationship and looking for some support to do this?

Then there is other parts for being unsure, bettering, want to go back and find a way to manage it better.

Which side are you on Yoke? It is important I think to know, it is also fine to be confused. Please realise that you have helped me through my own therapy and I am here for you, I read everything you have said Yolk, I even remember now what happened before when she closed the door when you went to see her, it was not the flowers it was another time.

Did you ever get a chance to ask her stuff like this that happened when you saw her again more recently? I know at the time it was very hurtful confusing and you were looking for answers as to why. Did you ever find out or was it not so important anymore?
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Yoke
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« Reply #32 on: April 03, 2020, 08:05:11 AM »

@Cromwell.
excerpt: Yoke what would you like me to respond to.
why do you ask things if you dont want to reply. when i ask someone i respond to their answers. but thats me.

"Which side are you on Yoke?  " how do you mean @Cromwell? wich side? dont understand your question. tell me.


ecxerpt: Did you ever get a chance to ask her stuff like this that happened when you saw her again more recently? I know at the time it was very hurtful confusing and you were looking for answers as to why. Did you ever find out or was it not so important anymore?"  how do you mean @cromwell? i dont understand the question really? please explain. i havent seen my ex since May..To me , i find it important to get answers...that is what i wish for but probably will never get../ regards Sara
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Cromwell
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« Reply #33 on: April 03, 2020, 08:34:04 AM »

Yoke

I have to apologise to you, I made a mistake reading your first post and thought that you had seen her again since May and this was another break up, thank you for clearing this up.

"which side are you on?" - Is it to try get her back? or is it to detach, find closure? That is what I mean

How are you today?
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babyducks
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« Reply #34 on: April 03, 2020, 08:43:08 AM »

a couple of suggestions Yoke.

First - consider taking some time to learn the tools here on how to post and reply.   It will make it easier for people trying to reply to your questions.   learn the quote and excerpt functions.      learn the etiquette of how this board works.     it will lessen the misunderstandings.

Second -   I haven't seen any indication that she is at all interested in communicating with you.     every time you reached out over a year ago she told you she was in another relationship and declined to respond.     has that changed?  Is this a relationship that is even available to you?    


She completed me..

Is this a good basis, a good foundation for a relationship?   that you need someone else... some one who struggles with mental health issues to complete you?    is this fair to her?     why are you not complete in and by yourself?

'ducks
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Yoke
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« Reply #35 on: April 04, 2020, 05:12:10 AM »

@ducks. I dont need to know how the excerpt function works, you can tell me instead.

Is this a good basis, a good foundation for a relationship?   that you need someone else... some one who struggles with mental health issues to complete you?    is this fair to her?     why are you not complete in and by yourself?


 If you have read my answer about "she complete me"  let me ask you a question instead. Is it a wrong basis to have a relationship with someone who struggles with health issues? Someone who had a traumatic childhood, lost her boyfriend in a caraccident. Lost her child. If its that u call "health issues".. I am not saying that i am not incomplete without her, but if you have read my text, both I and my theraphist find it normal to feel complete with someone when you find the right one. I guess you havent felt that in your life.. To fwel complete with someone , for me, it means that you complete each personalitys.
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Yoke
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« Reply #36 on: April 04, 2020, 05:17:27 AM »

@babyducks
dont need to know how the excerpt function works, you can tell me instead.

Is this a good basis, a good foundation for a relationship?   that you need someone else... some one who struggles with mental health issues to complete you?    is this fair to her?     why are you not complete in and by yourself?


 If you have read my answer about "she complete me"  let me ask you a question instead. Is it a wrong basis to have a relationship with someone who struggles with health issues? Someone who had a traumatic childhood, lost her boyfriend in a caraccident. Lost her child. If its that u call "health issues".. I am not saying that i am not incomplete without her, but if you have read my text, both I and my theraphist find it normal to feel complete with someone when you find the right one. I guess you havent felt that in your life.. To fwel complete with someone , for me, it means that you complete each personalitys.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #37 on: April 04, 2020, 05:52:29 AM »

For a ying and yang style of complement, the way I see this working is just what it says on the tin "complement" - in a relationship like this it means being able to balance out extremes, a personality that can bring order to chaos so that it does not tip over and end the relationship.

End of relationship means it was not a complement. I point out what you said Yoke about relating to her based on your own difficult childhood. So what I see here is not a complement but more of similar-similar.

I agree with you and your therapist about the theory, what I dont believe is that you and her fit the theory based on what has happened. You want to try again? What are you going to do, magically become something else that complements better? You were who you are, it is all any of us can be - it did not work, there is nothing wrong with this Yoke.

If you can answer my question because I answer your ones, even if it is to yourself id really like you to.

Why is your health less important than wanting a relationship with her?
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babyducks
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« Reply #38 on: April 04, 2020, 06:54:29 AM »

dont need to know how the excerpt function works, you can tell me instead.

actually Yoke, yes you do.   if you are not willing to work with us within the format of this forum, how do you plan to work with your Ex?    details matter.  how you present these details to us matters.    if you can't communicate with us, if you can't be bothered to use the etiquette of this forum,  how are you going to communicate with your Ex?   who will certainly have higher than average needs for communication.

  I have read this thread several times trying to figure out if your Ex is currently in a relationship with someone else.   that's an important detail.    it will change the comments I have for you.   this is what I have found.


 
When she vanished, i tried immediately to call her- blocked. I went to her - did not opend.wrote letters- she said she threw them away. She was angry at me as hell for that i still does not know. I tried all that for 3 weeks. Same respond. + she texted she was dating someone new.. Then i felt like i died! I cried all summer thought i was going to comitt suicide several times, but never did. In August i wrote her a letter 3 months after the breakup- same respond and she texted me she was in a new r/s now. Then i stopped contact her.

 
About her friends: after our first fight, her friend , lets call her Liz, she texted me, telling me she had been to my ex the evening we had the fight and she had never seen my ex cry so much, for anyone, she had never seen my ex so in love with anyone,.. . But Liz interferred and wrote other times to me, when my ex broke up with me, and started to say not pleasant texts to me. Fx that my ex was dating someone else wich was faulse,

Since I don't know if she is in a new r/s , rebound then it would be a disaster if i visit her in person.

So is she in a new relationship or not?  Can you clearly say one way or another?  If she is in a new relationship, could you or should you interfere?    I would say no.
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babyducks
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« Reply #39 on: April 04, 2020, 07:02:40 AM »


 If you have read my answer about "she complete me"  let me ask you a question instead. Is it a wrong basis to have a relationship with someone who struggles with health issues?

of course not.    that's not the point.   the points are:
  • is this a relationship that is even available to you? does she even want to hear from you?
  • is this a relationship that could possibly be healthy? for both of you.

.. I am not saying that i am not incomplete without her, but if you have read my text, both I and my theraphist find it normal to feel complete with someone when you find the right one. I guess you havent felt that in your life.. To fwel complete with someone , for me, it means that you complete each personalitys.

of course I have felt that in my life.    don't be daft.     it may be normal to feel complete or that you complete some one's personality but that doesn't mean it's practical, possible or healthy.     I am in agreement with Cromwell.   Based on what you have told us in this thread, you and her and not well suited to be partners.     the parts of your personality that are weaker will trigger the parts of her personality that have higher than average needs.   there are lots of threats of suicide in this thread.   both by her and by you.   that's serious.   very serious.   but you seem willing to risk that?    because she completes your personality?    that seems odd to me.

'ducks
« Last Edit: April 04, 2020, 07:11:20 AM by babyducks » Logged

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Yoke
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« Reply #40 on: April 05, 2020, 08:33:58 AM »

@babyducks. This you sent to me : actually Yoke, yes you do.   if you are not willing to work with us within the format of this forum, how do you plan to work with your Ex?    details matter.  how you present these details to us matters."


My respond to that : do u really think i would ignore your advice here to use your format? I am telling you i don't know how to do. If i knew, i would do it of course. And what has that to do with my ex and the relationship? Two different things for me. So just because i don't know the format here, that will mean i will fail to apologuise/ text my ex?... wow.  I have asked you to tell me how i do. But instead you blame me do it on purpose. Thanx!

Let me explain to you. My ex did say things in anger , frustration, her friends affected her in a negative way. And many times she said she was sorry for things she said but did not mean. So that is why i don't know if she was telling me the truth about dating someone new/ got into a new r/s last year in August.  I don't know what is true or not.

You sent me this "  what I dont believe is that you and her fit the theory based on what has happened. You want to try again? What are you going to do, magically become something else that complements better? You were who you are, it is all any of us can be - it did not work, there is nothing wrong with this Yoke."
 My answer to this: if you don't think that we fit eachother, that i can't say anything about. That is your opinion. If I want to try again? Yes, if SHE wants. Why? Because I belive in us, i belive that it could work. Why is that? Because i have changed as a person. I have read much and learnt of BPD. I have worked on my own issues, flaws. I understand my faults i did in our r/s. That is why i belive it will work.  I am.not saying i can do magically things, i am not perfect! But now, as i said, i have changed, and i would not do those misstakes again. And then, now when i do understand everything, i belive it will work. I now, can imagine how you will reply me and i dont think it will be nice, but am waiting for the reply with positive thinking. /Yoke
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Yoke
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« Reply #41 on: April 05, 2020, 08:35:53 AM »

@babyducks my apologuise.  Everything that i answered is also things @Cromwell asked. Sorry./ yoke
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babyducks
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« Reply #42 on: April 05, 2020, 08:56:29 AM »

My respond to that : do u really think i would ignore your advice here to use your format? I am telling you i don't know how to do. If i knew, i would do it of course.

the way to use the excerpt function.    when you sign into your thread and see a  question you want to answer, click on the word Excerpt that is the upper right hand corner of the response you are looking at.    the word Excerpt will be in bold green with a gray box next to it.   

that will take the entire response and copy it to your reply.    it will post the name of the original writer, and the time and date they wrote it so its obvious you you are answering.    delete out anything but the question you want to answer, or something you want to comment on.

does that make sense?

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babyducks
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« Reply #43 on: April 05, 2020, 09:03:19 AM »

if you want to copy something from one post to another.

hit the reply tab at the very bottom of the screen.    it's next to the notify tab.

a text window will open.   at the top of the text window is a bunch of gray boxes.    B stand for Bold.   I for Italics.    U for underline.    in the second line of gray boxes, third from the end is comment cloud with four lines of text in it.

click that grey button and

(quote] [/quote]    will show up on your screen.

anything you copy and paste and put in between those two brackets will show up as a quote so that we know some one else said that.

go ahead and practice.    it takes a couple of tries to get the hang of it.
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
babyducks
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« Reply #44 on: April 05, 2020, 09:20:55 AM »

there is also an entire board for technical help

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319251

click on the green text above and you will be moved there.
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Cromwell
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« Reply #45 on: April 05, 2020, 10:09:33 AM »

Hi Yolk,

Mistakes were made, lessons have been learned.

It is possible it can still work out if she gives you another chance.

I guess all that is left now is wait and see what happens? Maybe an apology letter might open the door, maybe it wont.

I send you the best of luck whatever happens Yoke, I cant think of anything other positive thinking beyond that.
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Yoke
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« Reply #46 on: April 07, 2020, 04:36:00 AM »

@babyducks @Cromwell. Thanx for all the responds.  I have decided that i will not continue write here because I don't understand how to write here with your format as you think is more important than what i am writing here, and as you said, maybe i am writing on the wrong forum. Bye/ Yoke
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