Way more than just a hypochondriac

[DisheartenedGuy]

Most of us know that our BPD partners will likely have some form of somatic personality disorder or will seem like a hypochondriac, often complaining of illness.  But my gf has taken this many steps further.  She actually believes she is sick, and convinces doctors and surgeons to operate on her.  She has had multiple surgeries, surgeries to fix other surgeries, she has had organs removed, is at the emergency room at least once a week, and manages to switch doctors enough that none of them fully understand the magnitude of the issue.  Last week she was convinced she had Corona virus, and blamed the hospital for not administering the test properly.

When she gets medication it always.has "really horrible side effects" which make her vomit, etc.  So then back to the doctor for new meds, all the while making sure i am informed of all this, needing my pity and compassion. 

Even when she really is sick, it is always "the worst ive ever felt in my life" or "my throat literally feels like its on fire, the doctor even said he has never seen a throat so swollen and inflamed."

Its scary because with each unneceasary surgery, she gets worse. 

Anyone else deal with this?

[Ozzie101]

Not anywhere near to that degree but my H does freak out over health-related stuff. Gained a little weight? It must be a tumor or some other form of cancer. Minor twinges in the upper abdomen? It must be serious.

Then he blasts the doctors for being “useless” and not really looking/trying/caring to figure out what’s wrong. Medications never work.

In my H’s case, he’s pretty self-aware about it. And while he’s had some unnecessary exams and tests, it hasn’t moved beyond that. Some of it seems to stem from his being adopted and not knowing family medical history.

Has your gf been like this as long as you’ve known her? Has it worsened over the years?

[DisheartenedGuy]

Thanks for your response.  Yes, she has been like this as long as Ive known her...but it took me years to finally realize that these medical issues are often fabricated or exaggerated.  Initially I juat thought she had the worst luck or was the most unhealthy woman in the world.  It may have gotten worse, over time, primarily because she has to create progressively worse illnesses to keep up the "shock value."  After two years of chronic migraines, people stop asking her about it, so the next issue happens.

Even scarier is, i believe her mom and daughter also have borderline, so when one has a crisis, the other two often try to out-do each other to compete for attention.  If one has a cold, the next one will have pneumonia, and the third will have late night chest pains.

Stupid question but was does H and r/s mean?

[Ozzie101]

That would be a difficult pattern to break, especially if they’re all feeding each other’s dysfunction.

How do you tend to respond to these “crises” now?

H means husband and r/s is relationship. It’s site shorthand.

[DisheartenedGuy]

How do i respond to the crises? I'm not sure this is appropriate, but it may look something like this:

Her: I'm dyyyyyying. I literally havent stopped puking for 72 hours, and I coughed so hard I pulled a muscle in my back. It'a craaaazy swollen. Even my mom couldnt believe how much it swelled up. So gnarly and gross.

Me: Oh my god, that must be so frustrating. I hope you feel better. I love you.


In the past, i wouldve taken the bait, suggested she go to the hospital, offered to buy her medicine, bought her chocolatea, or.given more pity: ie "I cant even believe how much this sucks. How can you even function when you throw up all day? And the fact the doctors cant find a way to help, it is so so so F'd up!"  This is the wrong way to go about it.

Another wrong way is to question her, ie, "I was just with you this morning and you didnt puke, you seemed fine..." That will be a disaster.

So i try to just acknowlesge the text, and try to show a little bit of compassion, without feeding the fire.

Thank you for the shorthand lesson.

[Ozzie101]

Looks to me like you’re going about it in the right way. 

You’re right: you don’t want to fuel the fire by playing into the drama but also don’t want to provoke her by doubting or questioning (out loud).

Is she in any kind of therapy?

[DisheartenedGuy]

Ozzie, thank you for the feedback. She is signed up for 1 on 1 therapy, but she rarely goes.  After her last suicide attempt, they forced her to sign up, but she is never held accountable.  She is too sick to go, or too busy, etc. Always something. And of course the therapist doesnt have any idea how to handle her, she claims.

There are no DBT classes here locally, insurance wont cover it, gas costs too much to always drive there, etc. Always a way to talk herself out of getting help. Yet if a strange man wanted to have sex with her at 3 am in a dirty motel 200 miles away, no matter how sick she was, odds are good she would find a way to make it there on time.

[Ozzie101]

It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

What about therapy for you? I ask because I and many here have found it super-helpful for many reasons.

Other than the health crises, how would you describe your relationship? What do you get out of it — in a positive sense?

Hope you don’t mind my asking. Just trying to get a good picture of things.

[DisheartenedGuy]

Ozzie,
I dont mind any questions. All of you have been incredible. I need help and am open to anything. I want my life back.

Whats in it for me? Lately it feels like less and less.  Sex is wild and great, but less great now that I know I'm one of a thousand, and that im not even her type physically.  She likes tattooed bad boys and I am decidedly not that. Primarily I stay because I get the temporary satisfaction of being able to help her when she falls.  I feel I truly lovd her, while the others dont, and that one day she will see it.  Being the only one who cares enough to really help when she needs it...it gives me a sense of satisfaction.

We have fun together -- dinner, movies, camping, fun roleplay sex...and she has never judged me.  So part of the appeal is that because she is more screwed up than I am, she looks up to me, and I can feel like a mentor and therefore not be afraid of being rejected or criticized.  She also makes me feel needed, even though its for the wrong reasons. Even when she does the little things, like text me a coupon for a pizza that she found online, it feels like a million dollars, because it is so rare that i ever feel emotional affection from her.  My youtube therapist called this "the crumbs." She gives me crumbs, and im delighted.

I fell in love with a version of her that doesnt exist. And ive held onto that for over a decade, thinking i will one day find that version.  I know i need to leave. It just really hurts.

[DisheartenedGuy]

Also, i am doing therapy on the phone, and i know it is helping.  I have a real therapist who is skilled in borderline issues, and i have an avant garde youtube person who helps me with boundaries, emotional support, etc.  Still, just reading the stories here has been so.helpful.  And all of you are so kind it is truly a blessing. Im slowly but surely working out the right decision for me. I want my life back. Ive been a prisoner of her drama for so long, and im so exhausted.

[formflier]

  I feel I truly lovd her, while the others dont, and that one day she will see it.  Being the only one who cares enough to really help when she needs it...it gives me a sense of satisfaction.
 

What is the "cost" to you of pursuing a "sense of satisfaction" in this r/s?

Best,

FF