SD's mom pushing for more time

[worriedStepmom]

Recap - H got primary custody of SD in Jul 2018.  That kicked off a nightmare of emotional abuse and resulted in SD12's uBPDmom being in inpatient psych care twice (January and August 2019).  H got her to sign a new custody doc in December that limits mom to visitation 2 days/month, from 10 am - 6 pm, with built-in consequences if mom continues to abuse SD. 

It's been fairly calm since then. mom has actually been spending time with SD when they are together, and, from what we can tell, has been behaving herself.  SD12 is happier!

Now we're starting to see signs of mom's anxiety again. [Last year around Easter mom severely dysregulated, so I'm not surprised at the timing.]

mom's father died in January.  mom inherited some money.  She has hired a lawyer and, as soon as the courts reopen, plans to file for more visitation and then, in December, file for primary custody.  [There is not a snowball's chance that mom can win primary custody - SD12 is established in our school district and H is a good parent.]

mom lives with her elderly parents.  mom has rewritten history and believes that she allowed SD to live with us because of tension between mom and grandparents, and that since her dad is gone and her mom's had an epiphany about meanness, she deserves to have SD back.  mom also believes that she has made up for any (unidentified) mistakes that mom made, and that SD "probably doesn't even remember those things now".  mom has also converted a study into a bedroom for SD (one of our concerns was that SD had to share with her mom, who would wake her up in the middle of the night to talk). 

I don't know if mom will actually show up in court, as she's terrified of the process.  If she does, then I'm a little concerned about how it will go.  Generally, you can't bring up anything that happened before the last order, and mom hasn't been completely dysregulated and abusive since then.  However, maybe, if her whole argument is that her parents were the problem and they've changed, we'll be able to show evidence of mom's past behavior to establish the actual issue?  I'm not ready to call the lawyer yet - I was really hoping not to have to pay legal fees this year. 

I'm also torn as to how to handle SD.  H had agreed to 2 supervised phone calls a week, and reiterated that 10 days ago when mom asked for more calls.  Mom posted that she has been talking to SD every day for the last week.  SD has not mentioned this to us.  We realized that SD has been keeping her phone with her in her room or on her person all the time, which isn't normal for her.  SD used to do this, in the days when mom would push her to always be available and to keep her phone secret from us because we were trying to take SD away forever.

We've told SD in the past that she can talk to her mom whenever she wants.  But we also don't want her to be guilted into talking on mom's schedule, and we don't want mom to have a way to emotionally abuse SD again.

Any suggestions on how to handle this conversation with SD?

[ForeverDad]

My comment is about the legal aspects.  Most courts are reluctant to make big changes to the status quo without solid basis.  And not quickly either.  It may be that mother has to wait one or two years before filing for a change.

On the other hand, as children grow older the courts have been known to let the child have some input in the order.  And older teens can sometimes "vote with their feet".

Seems here to be partly an issue of SD's boundaries.  (You can't do much about biomom's perceptions and behaviors.)  Does she realize that when she weakens the recently improved boundaries that it emboldens the disordered parent to push harder?  She may think it is easier to give mom a break but mom interprets relaxing the rules as an invitation to seek more and more.  Can her counselor help her with this?

[worriedStepmom]

Where we live, you have to wait 1 year from a prior order for a change in legal custody/primary parent (that's December).  For visitation changes, you just have to prove there has been a significant change in circumstances and that it's in the child's best interests to change visitation.  Those can take place pretty frequently.

That's a good point about looking at it in terms of weak boundaries.  H and I can start that conversation.  SD does have a therapy appointment (virtually) next week. 

[livednlearned]

Seems here to be partly an issue of SD's boundaries.  (You can't do much about biomom's perceptions and behaviors.)  Does she realize that when she weakens the recently improved boundaries that it emboldens the disordered parent to push harder?  She may think it is easier to give mom a break but mom interprets relaxing the rules as an invitation to seek more and more.

This.  

Teens + smartphones + BPD parent broke me more than any other issue.

I sensed supreme relief with (then) S12 when I explained that his phone was my phone -- I bought it, I paid for it, and I would be looking at it once a day to make sure he was safe. He put up a fuss but not really.

The bigger point that FD is making is a good one especially if you have that level of openness with SD12 about her mom, which it seems like you do given the severity of mom's dysregulations?

[worriedStepmom]

H talked to SD12, who said that mom had been calling her a lot, and that SD didn't answer the phone most of the time.  Mom is also emailing her a lot, and this may have been some of the communication mom was referencing.  H reminded SD that the calls need to be supervised.  If she wants to talk to mom, that's okay, but it shouldn't be a secret and one of us needs to be able to listen to make sure the tone is appropriate.

Then he pointed out to mom that she'd already had her 2 phone calls for the week (the random calls), so she wasn't going to get the scheduled calls.  Mom was angry but has stopped randomly calling.

We told all the kids to call their parents yesterday to wish them Happy Easter.  SD refused - "I talked to her the other day and I'm out of stuff to say."

She has a therapy appointment this week and we'll bring this up there.

[kells76]

What was your read on SD12's mood/demeanor when your H was assertive about phone rules?

Was she relieved, in a way?

[worriedStepmom]

H thought SD12 was irritated with mom.  He said she didn't argue at all about supervision.

My biokids have been missing their dad A LOT, and he even came to sit in the yard and talk to them from a distance one day.   Even when those conversations take place around her, SD hasn't once mentioned missing her mom or wanting to see her, and she's started complaining when we remind her to call.  I'm going to bring it up to her therapist to see if he can figure out if she's just not comfortable talking to us about it, or if the boundary pushing (or other behavior we don't know about?) is impacting SD. 

[kells76]

Sounds kind of like "somebody PLEASE decide for me" behavior?

Talking with the T seems like a good move.