Hope

[Ivar]

Hi,

This is my first post and I've been looking for answers for over 3 weeks now and I'm glad I found that place, so I'll try to summarize quickly ( which isn't something i'm good at ) my situation.

I've met a girl exactly a year ago now, we had a relationship of 4 months, things went really fast between us, she moved in with me pretty fast because she had lost her job, I helped her find a job ( that she still has at least to my knowledge ), anyway, our relation went really well, never had any fights because we always understood each others, we had "unpleasant" talks about what she didn't liked about me, and I worked on it to make things better.

Then one day, all of a sudden, she had a "breakdown" ( as she called it that day ) and we broke up, she didn't loved me anymore, she didn't know why, we both cried for hours, there was despair in her eyes, completely lost and hurt.
We after that stayed friends until 23th of March where she threw me away like a trash, by message, saying "thank you for everything, bye", gave me the silent treatment by not telling me what was the problem with me. Ironically enough, things started to decay between us at the same time she started to date someone who is now, her boyfriend.

Until the end, she know and said that i've done nothing wrong to her, actually, I'm the only person in her life that helped her to talk about her emotions, which is extremely complicated for her. I've always been there for her to listen, talk, understand, without judgment, she knows I'm a really good person but yet, destroyed everything.

Here is the thing, I highly suspect she has a BPD, either bipolar or borderline, but she probably don't know about it, she told me when we've met that her "therapist" told her she has "probable bipolar disorder", she's been through a lot in her life before, had self-hurting behaviour, chaotic relationship and even worse things than that. I've been reading and watching videos about BPD since November ( we broke up in July ) and today I can't ignore it anymore, she has so many patterns and behaviour that seems like it that it can't be a coincidence.

But today the situation is : she has a new boyfriend, blocked me on messenger, and my question is, is there any hope that she can come back ? I've read that people with BPD do have regrets at some point, I want to help her, not fix her because this isn't my job, but be there for her despite the really ugly way she threw me away. And yes, I know it sounds crazy and unhealthy, but if she would come back, I would gladly come back aswell. The break up made me grow and I would always help her, but today I can't.

I do realise that some things happened between us not because she loved me but because I was there to fill a void, I do, but I'm also aware of what I've done for her and I highly doubt that even for someone with BPD, those things doesn't count at some point and the brain don't remind it to them. She also had ( when we met ) a Binge Eating disorder that was going ugly sometimes, I've documented myself a lot about it when we were together and tried to help her with that aswell.

Another question and an opinion from me : Can people with BPD feel regrets/remorse more intensely than normal people ? Since they have strong emotions, I assume their regrets is bigger than other people and are even bigger based on how the throw people away and what those people represented for them at some point ( basically I think that the better you were with them, the worse the regrets will be )

Thank you for reading, there is much more things to tell about that story but I wanted to be quick.

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[once removed]

hi Ivar, and

yes, there is hope. over 60% of relationships (of all kinds) reconcile.

obviously though, you dont want to be part of the majority of those that reconcile, only to break up again quickly.

But today the situation is : she has a new boyfriend, blocked me on messenger,

in these circumstances, there frankly are not a lot of cards you can play right now. that relationship needs to play out, stand or fall on its own merits. and you need for her to reopen the doors to contact.

I do realise that some things happened between us

but none of that means theres nothing you can do.

the number one thing you can do is understand why the breakup happened, and if you were to get back together, how its going to change.

what happened between you? what went wrong? what were the unpleasant talks about? thats going to give you, and us, some insight into all of this.

[Ivar]

Thank you for your answer !

As for the responses, well I wanted to be quick but yes, I do know the reasons, officially she didn't loved me anymore, in January, 7 months after our break up, she said "I hate the fact that I had to lose our relationship to realise I had to take care of myself" while crying, I suspect that our break up was some kind of emotional trauma for her that she never really recovered from it ( which would explain her new relationship which from the outside seem to go extremely fast ).

As for the unpleasant talks it was mostly small things about me like how it bothered her that I can't take care of myself ( thanks to my parents who has always done things for me which lead me to always rely on people in my life ), I told her that I would fix that and I did, and she noticed it. Those small talks happened twice and I always worked on it to change it ( and she acknowledged it when we broke up by saying "you always make things work" ).

Today we're 15 days after she left me in ( in my opinion ) the most awful way possible to do for a friend and I have clearly changed in a good way, that's why I wonder if there are any chances, with perspective, I see that she has many many reasons to come back, but the question is also will she take that chance ? And obviously I know it depend on her.

As for the reconcile, I indeed don't want to be back together as friend only to break up again, but I know that this time if she come back I'll have enough courage to talk to her about BPD.. Because to me it's obvious she has it, I don't know the degree of it or if it's a pure BPD, but clearly there is a mental disorder at play there..

As for the regrets and I don't know if i'm right or not, but I believe that the regrets are stronger based on how badly we acted, and she did acted very badly with me.

[once removed]

I know that this time if she come back I'll have enough courage to talk to her about BPD.. Because to me it's obvious she has it, I don't know the degree of it or if it's a pure BPD, but clearly there is a mental disorder at play there..

BPD is invaluable knowledge for you. from this point onward, you can gain tools to help you cope, to help support your loved one, to help move the relationship on a healthier trajectory.

im not sure how valuable the knowledge would be for her.

think about it. you break up with someone. you have second thoughts. you come back to them. they tell you that you have a mental disorder, and try to explain to you whats wrong with you. how would you react to that?

far more effective might be to show her (not necessarily with words, but actions) that youre better equipped to tackle this. that you have a new game plan. that youre still the confident, upbeat guy she fell for, but stronger.

i dont want to give you false hope here. but a great deal of the time, when a relationship ends badly, neither party is happy with that, and one or both tend to want to end on a better note. theres a chance you will hear from her. its not a certainty, but there is a relative likelihood. when and if it happens, you want to already be in that place of strength to respond.

[Ivar]

Thank you for your answer !

far more effective might be to show her (not necessarily with words, but actions) that youre better equipped to tackle this. that you have a new game plan. that youre still the confident, upbeat guy she fell for, but stronger.

That's exactly my plan, I don't intend to say "oh hi, you might have a BPD btw" but show her what went wrong and why, because she is the kind of person that wants to change and understand what's wrong with her at some point, but when she has to, she block herself from diving into her thoughts.
She's really smart and aware of some of her problems but don't want to or can't reflect on it, for example when we met she told me this : "The only way I cope with emotionally stressful situation is running away from them" or "I'm on that rollercoaster of emotions all the time, today I felt excited, happy, sad, depressed, angry, defeated", "I feel empty, worthless", and many others, but she never reflected on it to understand why and where those thoughts came from. And ironnicaly, these behaviours happened a year later.

As for the end, we didn't "break up" or relationship in argue or a fight, she basically sent me a message saying ( overall ) "Thank you for everything, bye" then for an hour I was completely confused and asking for answers but it was as if her brain was on auto-pilot mode, she didn't wanted to say anything and blamed me for her feeling "you've put me in a position where i felt your happiness depended on me" and basically said that if people abandon me at some point in my life, that's my fault.

There was no argue, just her being completely cold, determined, and she blocked me just after saying things like "you deserve something better" "I'm so sorry it's happening like that", that's definitely not the person I knew, she completely snapped.

And as I said before, the situation decayed between us extremely fast ( in less than a month while we never had any argue ) at the same time she started to date that person. She blame me for nothing and told me I did nothing wrong, the reaction was absolutely disproportionate compared to the situation between us.

As for the knowledge about BPD, right now I know enough things about it I think to understand it and I was planning to learn about CBT to help her if someday she comes back and I have no doubt she will when that relationships will end, she always felt bad for "stupid" things, very litte things like, feeling bad because she didn't went for a drink with her roommate while she has to work really early. So for a huge thing like that, she will feel bad aswell, but it'll be obviously determined by the state of her new relationship..

[once removed]

but show her what went wrong and why

these things are always, inherently, going to be from your perspective, and not necessarily hers.

understanding what went wrong and why is a complex challenge. it involves not just understanding (or trying) it from her perspective, but a sort of 30000 feet up perspective...what an outsider or friend might say.

if you try to dictate the terms of what went wrong and why, youre opening up one of two scenarios. either she agrees with you in words, but doesnt really, and the two of you grow apart out of that misunderstanding, or she feels invalidated by your perspective and totally rejects it.

"Thank you for everything, bye" then for an hour I was completely confused and asking for answers but it was as if her brain was on auto-pilot mode, she didn't wanted to say anything and blamed me for her feeling "you've put me in a position where i felt your happiness depended on me" and basically said that if people abandon me at some point in my life, that's my fault.

There was no argue, just her being completely cold, determined, and she blocked me just after saying things like "you deserve something better" "I'm so sorry it's happening like that", that's definitely not the person I knew, she completely snapped.

what shes telling you, in so many words, is that she has grieved the relationship on some level, and shes declining to fight for it.

that may be hard to hear. and it doesnt have to be the end of things. but the best thing you can do is not argue it, but signal that you get it, and try to understand it. its only that way that you can remedy it.

[Ivar]

She is very smart and so I am, and I won't dictate anything if such "reconciliation" happen, I know her very well and how her mental health evolve sometimes so I will always be careful ( I already started to look at CBT to be prepared just in case ).

From that experience I've definitely grown up since it happened, wether she comes back or not, I will move on but not forget about her because she deserve to be happy, I don't like the fact that some people I've seen on internet ( mostly youtube comments ) describe people with BPD as some kind of monsters, which she is definitely not. She suffer a lot, but in silence, and don't ask for help because she's emotionnaly unable to do so ( the way I understand it at least and again, I SUSPECT she has a BPD, but there is no official diagnostic ).

As for the relationship and end for it I never argued with her and always respected her decisions, I could tell her It wasn't my opinion but always respected her decisions.
I will see what the future will bring me about her but that won't stop me from moving on too.

I believe that no one can be really prepared for a relationship with someone who has a BPD ( potentially ) until you actually experience the effects of it.. I actually found myself really liking reading and listening about BPD and other personalities/mental issues and all of these are extremely complex to understand but once you know more about it and have experienced it I think it's easier to deal with it.

[juju2]

Ivar, your posts show you are moving thru spaces quickly...

The proof is in the day to day, how am I doing, how am I growing.
I think all of us here, most of us, look back and see many things could have been done better.
I can do these things now, and it gives me strength. 
One thing I do notice, remember, is during the time were were together as a couple, I was often caught up in being unhappy, dis satisfied, wishing things could be better.
That was my mindset.  My state of mind was, "he is messed up, mean, unappreciative."
We are attempting to reconcile, it's a long journey...tiny steps...

What scares me is how am I going to be different, how am I going to deal with myself.
His disorder isn't going anywhere.
My disorder is not remembering he has a disorder.

I share this because none of us knows when we are given a new chance and what am I doing to be my best self.

What will stop me from stepping in the same pit falls.

[Ivar]

I'm not really scared of what I'm going to be after that, I can see I'm being a better person in a way, of course, none of us know when we are given a new chance, and in my situation actually, the reality is that there won't be any other chance.

That's why I called my post "hope" because I can only hope for now.. Every day I see myself growing from that experience, and I can only hope that someday I will have another chance ( even though I did nothing wrong to that person ).

[juju2]

I understand.

having no hope is a place to be, at the very beginning of having hope.
For me it's a continuum.

For a long time I couldn't even think of the possibility of hope.

I am not saying you did anything wrong.

All I am sharing is, I know I could have done things better.
I know my mind set was chaos.
What am I doing now to take care of myself.

That's all.

[Ivar]

We always can do better, we just don't know it until it's over, it's up to us then if such thing as a second chance happen, to act on it.

I know I could have done better but I also know that at that time I wasn't fully aware of the problem ( giving me the silent treatment didn't helped )..

But I surely know that if I have a second chance, I will make sure that this time things works and that we'll somehow fight her problem together.