New and trapped

[Blackhole20]

Hi!  Just joined and really looking for people in similar situations. I’ve been the “caretaker” in this marriage for some time. I won’t go into all the things I have experienced on the receiving end of a BPD partner now, but I’ll just say I reached my limit a few years ago. Unfortunately, I am still stuck in the caretaker role even 3 years post breakup. We have two children who have been too young to really understand the situation, but they’re getting older and I worry about what they have witnessed.

Since the breakup, I guess the behaviors have escalated. I didn’t know why, but now I think I understand it’s to do with the fear of abandonment. When we were together, there were behaviors and control, and I was still the caretaker, but his aggression and anger was not like it is now. I want it to be over. I find living together unbearable at times due to the anxiety and stress of walking on eggshells everyday.

 I feel trapped because anytime I mention any kind of financial contribution, it triggers anger. The same goes for any mention of him moving out. I’m frankly afraid to start the process of getting a divorce because we want different things and I know it will cause anger and rage and, based on past experiences, that can be very scary. I don’t have family close by and he won’t let me go to them and take the kids, even though that would probably be the best thing right now. I don’t really know what my rights are and it’s hard to find out because he tends to find things out very easily (it’s a small apartment). I do my best to delete text messages and not leave anything lying around, but sometimes that’s not enough. I’m curious how others have navigated separation, divorce, and custody with someone like this. Does my experience seem similar to anyone else’s? I’ve never spoken to anyone else who has been with someone with BPD.

Thanks for reading!

[Turkish]

Underlying fear of abandonment, it's that their feelings don't matter,  and therefore they don't matter and are unworthy of being loved.  Lack of financial contribution (being a "Provider") would certainly be a big shame trigger. If you've been doing the heavy lifting and providing (because you have no other choice), that's a heavy burden to bear.

Separated while living in the same household is very tough. I only experienced that for about 4 months.  I floated the bills so the mother of our children could save up to move out. It sounds like your husband is comfortable of the arrangement logistically, but emotionally is another matter.

How safe do you and the kids feel? What brought this to a head that you reached out to us?  I'm glad that you did 

Turkish

[Blackhole20]

Yes, I’ve paid for everything since the breakup. I’ve worn all the hats, and taken care of everyone and provided (sometimes with great difficulty). That’s why it’s so upsetting to me to bring up the idea of a contribution and have him throw it back in my face like I’m trying to “nickel and dime” him as he puts it. Meanwhile, I see him spending all his money on expensive luxuries instead of saving to get his own place. Sometimes I just can’t fathom how someone could think and act this way towards someone who has done everything to support them even when they really should not.

On that note, it’s been suggested to me that I stop taking care of him and instead focus on myself. I’m supposed to slowly start handing over responsibilities like, for example, giving him the keys to the car and informing him I won’t be able to pay for two cars going forward and this would now be his responsibility. I’m not sure how practical that is at the moment because of his reactions to any kind of bid for him to start taking financial responsibility for anything.

To answer your question about safety, it’s hard to say. If I thought I was in imminent danger, I would take action. I previously had a temporary restraining order. Although, that was a nightmare and I don’t wish for it to come to that again if I can help it.  But, it’s also hard to know because these incidents of rage come out of nowhere and in between things can be quite “normal” to some extent.

I suppose I’m here because I want to be free. I don’t want to keep experiencing the same thing over and over. I don’t want to live my life on eggshells, and my stress and anxiety has reached probably the highest it’s ever been recently to the point it’s taking a physical toll. I also now feel like there is absolutely no reasoning with him. His rage will always be seen as my fault and I will never win. I’ve always been the peacemaker, but I feel so disrespected and my feelings and quality of life seem so unimportant to him that I’m just not willing to deal with it anymore. The problem, as it has always been, is how to break free.

[MeandThee29]

To answer your question about safety, it’s hard to say. If I thought I was in imminent danger, I would take action. I previously had a temporary restraining order. Although, that was a nightmare and I don’t wish for it to come to that again if I can help it.  But, it’s also hard to know because these incidents of rage come out of nowhere and in between things can be quite “normal” to some extent.

I suppose I’m here because I want to be free. I don’t want to keep experiencing the same thing over and over. I don’t want to live my life on eggshells, and my stress and anxiety has reached probably the highest it’s ever been recently to the point it’s taking a physical toll. I also now feel like there is absolutely no reasoning with him. His rage will always be seen as my fault and I will never win. I’ve always been the peacemaker, but I feel so disrespected and my feelings and quality of life seem so unimportant to him that I’m just not willing to deal with it anymore. The problem, as it has always been, is how to break free.

If you are concerned about your safety, you need to get out. Don't wait to see how he will react. The emotions of divorce will make things much, much worse, and if at all possible, you don't want to be around.

I feared the divorce process. But I picked a heavyweight with a very gentlemanly personality who knew my ex's lawyer well. Ultimately they got it done. I have a lot of respect for both of them. Of course it took longer and way more expensive than it should have been. The rigidity and desire for control made it very hard to negotiate an agreement.

But life on the other side is good.

[worriedStepmom]

Your first step is to find out your legal rights.  In some states, anything purchased during the marriage is community property or community debt, so you just handing over the keys and telling him you won't pay for it might impact your credit too.  In other states, that isn't the case.

Call a lawyer for a consultation.  They can help walk you through what the process is for getting a divorce and for getting him out of the house, and what you can do if you feel unsafe.  If you're really concerned that he'll know you called, you might consider getting a prepaid phone that you can leave at work, or in a locker at the gym, or somewhere else that he can't access.

You can also call the domestic violence hotline to be connected with local resources.  They can help you make a plan for your safety and that of your kids.

[kells76]

Hi Blackhole20, welcome to the group.

As you sort through options in limbo, I want to encourage you to also check out the "conflicted/just tolerating it" board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0). There's a newer member there, UBPDhelp, who is in a similar situation -- stuck at home with a spouse who isn't contributing financially, and with kids, and trying to deal with escalating behaviors.

Keep posting here, too, though! You don't have to pick just one group. We can help talk you through legal options. Remember, just because you "check out" or "try" a legal or safety option (like calling a couple of lawyers, for example, or the DV hotline) doesn't mean "that's the only route I can take now". You can arm yourself with information and then think about the best way to go.

Like MeandThee29 mentions, though, your safety and your kids' safety is paramount. You can think about if you've maybe normalized some of your husband's unsafe behaviors as "not that bad" -- we can talk with you if you want some 3rd party perspective.

Overall, though, glad you found us. Let us know how we can keep supporting you;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Apparently the vehicles have loans on them, right?  Just handing over the keys may not absolve you of financial obligations.  Two questions come to mind...  Are you on the title of the car you would hand him, whether as sole owner or joint ownership?  Are you in any way a signer or co-signer for the car's loan?

A similar group of questions might apply to the car you want to keep... Is your spouse on the title?  It may be it doesn't much matter whether he's on that loan or not because you're the responsible driver and bill payer of the vehicle you want to keep.

When you do get legal advice when consulting with potential attorneys, be prepared with information that would impact what sort of advice and strategies they would offer.  Who exactly is on the title or deeds, also who exactly is on the loans or mortgages.  Similarly, have a list of the credit cards, approximate balances, who are the account holders of each one and who are merely the cardholders.  (When dealing with joint accounts sometimes it is more difficult to close those cards if there are large balances or if the other person reactivates them when you suspend them pending repayment.)

And then there's all the custody and parenting issues that you need advice on as well.