Bpd divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think my uBPD wife has hired an attorney and is now actively going through my contacts and shaking them down for info on me , there is nothing to find , but it’s distressing to me when my friends call and ask what’s going on . Also we have two kids and now I’m afraid she might get custody and fear they would suffer being raised by her

[Dan2045]

I think my uBPD wife has hired an attorney and is now actively going through my contacts and shaking them down for info on me , there is nothing to find , but it’s distressing to me when my friends call and ask what’s going on . Also we have two kids and now I’m afraid she might get custody and fear they would suffer being raised by her

[MeandThee29]

Do you have an attorney yourself?

Sadly, you need a professional like that to lead you through this. The other side can make all kinds of noise and trouble.

But as mine often said, the law protects nice people too. The other side cannot easily take away everything and block you from contact with your kids. It just doesn't work that way in most cases.

[PeteWitsend]

I think my uBPD wife has hired an attorney and is now actively going through my contacts and shaking them down for info on me , there is nothing to find , but it’s distressing to me when my friends call and ask what’s going on . Also we have two kids and now I’m afraid she might get custody and fear they would suffer being raised by her

Get an attorney.  And find out and confirm if she has one. 

Best way to get your own attorney would be to get a referral from someone you trust who can vouch for the attorney's competence and character.

If that fails, the next best thing would be to look up some attorneys in the county where you reside (I assume you and your wife are both in the same county?) as that's where you'd file. 

Someone who's been practicing family law for at least 5 years (preferably more) should know the judges and will probably at least get you an okay result. 

Also, look up on your state bar association's website and find out if they have any professional misconduct documented. 

Red flags/mistakes I made when hiring an attorney:
- when meeting them for the first time, don't go in looking to spill your guts; if you want to talk through your feelings, and wonder why your BPD-partner acts the way they do, go to a therapist.  With your attorney, stick to the facts.  For example, provide them with the number of years married, assets, kids, and any objectively negative behavior that could be proven in court and would either help or hurt your case.   Don't go on about a fight you had two months ago, unless the police were called, or there's documented physical abuse. 

- they should have a neat, organized office; it doesn't need to be opulent.  stacks of client files all over, an attorney who shows up late, doesn't have competent administrative staff, etc. is going to have problems managing your case.

- they shouldn't rush you to file.  if they come off as desperate for your business, look elsewhere

- if you get a bad feeling or don't trust them, move on.

- don't use the size of the retainer to judge how expensive they'll be.  Some attorneys might charge you a higher retainer, but have lower billable hourly rates, and will cost less in the long run.  Ask what their hourly rates are, and ask them to ballpark the cost of the divorce, acknowledging that it can get costly if things go sideways & it becomes contentious.

[GaGrl]

You might want to interview 3 or so lawyers. You can usually do a short 30-minute consult for a minimal fee -- perhaps $100 -- so that you get a sense of the Best fit. An advantage to this is that way me you consult them cannot be hired by your wife -- or, they would need to disclose that they are your wife's lawyer.

[ForeverDad]

Bill Eddy's Splitting handbook has a chapter early in the book about selecting a family law attorney.  If you wish, you can order an electronic copy on Amazon.

Of course, many lawyers will say they can take your case, few would want to turn down a potential client.  But not all can handle a high conflict divorce.  Has the lawyer gone to trial?  Does the lawyer outlin some strategies to utilize?  If someone claims he/she has never had to go as far as trial then could it be that lawyer relies too heavily on mediation and settlement conferences?  Splitting phrases it this way... we need experienced proactive lawyers.

My lawyer did turn out to be experienced, though I worried he wasn't proactive enough.  He estimated my divorce with children as 7-9 months, turned out to be a couple weeks shy of two years.  However, I did get a decent outcome, we settled minutes before the trial was to start.  And he was smart enough to select the best possible Custody Evaluator who wasn't fooled by my then-stbEx.

Do you know what "custody" means in your state?  Each state does things a little differently.  In general, custody references the major issues such as primary parent, medical decisions, school, religious training, etc.  Courts are reluctant to award one parent sole custody unless there are substantive issues such as child abuse, endangerment or neglect.  Likely your spouse can't prove anything serious so the outcome in a final decree could be typical joint custody.

Oops, did I say that was months or years later in a final decree?  Right.  Court expects divorces to proceed and conclude in reasonable time.  Usually our cases take longer, a lot longer.  For example I had two temp orders, once for the separation and another for the divorce, yes the two year divorce.  Both temp orders assigned my then-stbEx temporary custody.  After all, they were only "temporary", right?  Yeah, if temporary is Nov 2005 to March 2008.

So do your best to retain or regain some measure of control even in the early stages.  As many have noted, it is hard to make progress while we are fighting a defensive position.  Remember "proactive" I mentioned above?  And the longer stbEx is in apparent control, the harder it is to undo the court's typical assumption that Mother ought to get default preference.

In addition to the "custody" aspect, there is also the "parenting schedule".  You need to pay special attention to this too.  Many court assume dad's are okay with alternate weekends.  Not in our cases!  Stand up not just for yourself but especially too for your kids!  They need you!  (After all, you are the reasonably normal parent.)

I had no custody and alternate weekends in my temp orders.  Court figured it was okay for short term.   I walked out with joint custody and equal time in the final decree.  A few more times back to court and I got legal custody first and then majority time too.  You too can have a solid court order as a goal, but be proactive for the long term.

[MeandThee29]

Of course, many lawyers will say they can take your case, few would want to turn down a potential client.  But not all can handle a high conflict divorce.  Has the lawyer gone to trial?  Does the lawyer outlin some strategies to utilize?  If someone claims he/she has never had to go as far as trial then could it be that lawyer relies too heavily on mediation and settlement conferences?  Splitting phrases it this way... we need experienced proactive lawyers.

You want a very experienced lawyer that can go different ways if needed. Mine did negotiated settlements, collaboration, mediation, and trials. I really couldn't afford his hourly rate, but I needed his expertise. I also liked his personality the best of all the ones I interviewed.

What I found is that he was so experienced that he was actually more efficient than his cheaper associate who did some of the document prep. He could knock out a document or a letter in no time. One time we had a phone meeting of about 20 minutes, and he said he would be typing the letter then because he had to run to court. He said he would call me when the letter was done, read it over the phone, and then send it if I approved. Well, he called me 20 minutes after the phone meeting, and had the two-page letter done. He read it, and sent it to the clerk. He made his court date, came back, looked up one issue to confirm, signed, and it went out that day. He charged me an hour.

[worriedStepmom]

Keep a list of which friends are telling you that she's trying to get information about you.  Also whether they say if she said anything nasty about you.  Courts don't like it when one party is actively disparaging or harassing the other.  

It's also important to document how active you are in parenting.  How much time do you spend with your child?  Who is responsible for doctor visits, dropping off/picking up at day care or school, giving baths, organizing playdates, etc?   What kinds of interactions do you have with them versus mom?   You want to be able to show that you are an active parent, that you are involved in their daily lives, and that it would be bad for them if you didn't play a big role.