If it weren't for COVID-19, I would have left tonight

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When your significant other lashes out by assuming something that is not true whatsoever, it becomes a matter of defending yourself. Case and point, my wife has had a busy time with her studies and with working. She went out with her daughter with masks and gloves early this evening to do some errands. Then, when they came back, she started to do some cleaning in the kitchen. She cleaned a water container and thought she noticed grime on it, thus assuming that it was my after shave. She immediately said it was mine. I then had to defend myself saying that I fill the water first, eat breakfast, then shave, and then shower. It was only then that she could not retort to that, and she subsequently went on the offensive again about how bad my eyesight is and how I don't clean as well as she does and how it seems she has to do all the work outside. Indeed, my eyesight is not the best, but I am extra cautious to please her. I have offered to cut veggies and other things in the kitchen, but again, she does not want me to do these things, and she complains that she has to do all the work.

So, I am dammed if I do, and I am dammed if I don't.

There are so many other examples that you folks probably can relate to so that your significant other has the upper hand to feel superior.

To an outsider, this may seem all petty, but it truly does wear me down. In private, when she wasn't looking, I gave her the finger and said that I am not her stepping stone. If it weren't for COVID-19, I would have left tonight.

Any comments or reactions?

[Trobert]

When your significant other lashes out by assuming something that is not true whatsoever, it becomes a matter of defending yourself. Case and point, my wife has had a busy time with her studies and with working. She went out with her daughter with masks and gloves early this evening to do some errands. Then, when they came back, she started to do some cleaning in the kitchen. She cleaned a water container and thought she noticed grime on it, thus assuming that it was my after shave. She immediately said it was mine. I then had to defend myself saying that I fill the water first, eat breakfast, then shave, and then shower. It was only then that she could not retort to that, and she subsequently went on the offensive again about how bad my eyesight is and how I don't clean as well as she does and how it seems she has to do all the work outside. Indeed, my eyesight is not the best, but I am extra cautious to please her. I have offered to cut veggies and other things in the kitchen, but again, she does not want me to do these things, and she complains that she has to do all the work.

So, I am dammed if I do, and I am dammed if I don't.

There are so many other examples that you folks probably can relate to so that your significant other has the upper hand to feel superior.

To an outsider, this may seem all petty, but it truly does wear me down. In private, when she wasn't looking, I gave her the finger and said that I am not her stepping stone. If it weren't for COVID-19, I would have left tonight.

Any comments or reactions?

[Cat Familiar]

Defending yourself rarely works when your partner is a pwBPD. Have you heard about JADEing?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

[DiscoDave]

I have offered to cut veggies and other things in the kitchen, but again, she does not want me to do these things, and she complains that she has to do all the work.

So, I am dammed if I do, and I am dammed if I don't.

There are so many other examples that you folks probably can relate to so that your significant other has the upper hand to feel superior.

Oh boy, I can totally relate to that! My ExwuBPD would treat me as if I was a defenceless child completely incapable of doing anything in the kitchen!

I think in reality it was just a way of trying to de-value me as in all other respects of 'adult' life I had to take care of things for her or 'show her how' to do things. She (37) would quite often act like an angsty teenager who thought they knew it all without the lived experience. In your relationship do you feel like you are a care-giver in many ways perhaps? and she needs to take ownership of certain things to demonstrate she's not completely useless?

[Trobert]

DiscoDave, yes, I feel like I am the caregiver. If she complains, out of love, I listen. If I were to complain, she will say that she has it far worse. I am discounted that way and so many other ways. One of the most bizarre examples was when I was rear-ended by another car. I was in a great mood. She was not with me. There was minor damage to my car, although I subsequently had 6 weeks of therapy.

When I shared what happened to me, speaking about discounting me, she said it was MY fault, that I was in a bad mood. To top it all off, the other driver who was ultimately determined to be at fault blamed me. Double complainers without justification!

It turns out my wife wanted me to suffer so that the other driver's insurance wouldn't increase.

Again, really bizarre!

[Waddams]

Any comments or reactions?

Leaving is the only thing that ultimately gets the problems and stress out of your life. All the various tips, tricks, and techniques to manage a relationship with a disordered person are fine, but having been through it myself, all I can say is that I should have left much sooner than I did. And I don't know a single person that left that doesn't think the same thing now.

When your "partner" does nothing but undermine life together, hurt you, hang you out to dry, and otherwise proactively goes out of their way to do this stuff to you, why the heck would you stay? Why would anyone stay forever and continue to let someone hurt them? The longer you wait, the harder it is to get out and harder it is to start a new life. You just dig the whole deeper the longer you stay.