"I'm an object in your orbit"

[eggshellfiancee]

My uBPD husband constantly tells me he feels like he's an "object in my orbit." Like I don't think of him as aperson and am only concerned with self-preservation.

To an extent - I can't deny this - four years of being with him and the constant on/off switch I am always looking to protect myself from when he will flip.

But at the end of the day, I put him above EVERYTHING else. He still finds ways to enhance this narrative, and makes it impossible for me to deny based on what he's saying.

This morning, for example, he was unloading the dishwasher "for me" (it's his chore but it's something that contributes to the household so it's "for me.") I needed to get into the kitchen to get some water to take to work with me. Our kitchen is small so we try to keep a one person limit, but if the other person is in there for just a second it usually isn't a big deal. I went and filled my bottle and got right out. He flipped, telling me how I "obviously just ignored him because hes an object." and has been going off ever since. like, I left for work and he threatened to coem to work and make a scene (i've learned just to let him say this and not react because he never follow through on outlandish things like this). The funny thing is - if the tables had ben turned, had I been in the kitchen while he was getting ready to leave for work, he'd have been like "You couldn't wait five minutes to empty the dishwasher knowing I'd need to be getting things in the kitchen for work?" But alas, here we are.  Also, he was mad that I left our living room fan on last night - somethign he does almost every night and I turn off for him, and have even pointed out, but he was mad because he'd turned it on for me and it was ungrateful that I'd forgotten to turn it back off.

Every time I don't do exactly what he wants exactly how he wants it he says "Of course, because I'm not a person, just an object in your orbit." Anyone else have someone say something similar? I get that I can be a little self-centered at times bt it isn't like how he makes it out to be.

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[Ozzie101]

I can relate. My H frequently makes accusations that I know are untrue or accuses me of things, misinterpreting or blowing small things up.

What’s usually at work here is a pwBPD’s tendency to be extremely sensitive.

How did you react when he flipped? It’s important to stay away from JADEing. And “pointing out” can be a big trigger (as someone here “pointed out” to me). It’s invalidating. What often helps is getting to the core of it. What do you think your coming into the kitchen or not turning off the fan said to him? This would be in BPD/facts=feelings speak. For most people, no, those probably wouldn’t be a big deal.

[eggshellfiancee]

I react pretty well when he "flips" as Ive learned to not take many of his threats too seriously as he will back down. What me coming into the kitchen said to him was that i didn't think of him as human. That is how he perceives such things

[once removed]

My uBPD husband constantly tells me he feels like he's an "object in my orbit." Like I don't think of him as aperson and am only concerned with self-preservation.

To an extent - I can't deny this - four years of being with him and the constant on/off switch I am always looking to protect myself from when he will flip.

have you asked why he feels this way? has he answered?

[waverider]

What he is most likely feeling is lack of validation.  For example you do a chore because it needs to be done. He wants you to notice he is doing a chore and not just take it in your stride that it is just an unoteworthy daily task.

ie. For you to notice he is emptying the dishwasher and praise him. The fact that you didnt turn the fan off is you not noticing he turned it on.

Its part of the underdeveloped emotional maturity, validation is often the payment a pwBPD is seeking almost like an endless drug supply that can never be sated. It is a difficult balance, lack of validation causes a negative reaction, yet too much validation in itself validates the need for it, so the need continues, and they dont learn to do anything without being thrown the validation biscuit at the end of it.

The "poor martyr me" is just his way of highlighting his hunger for that validation biscuit.

Avoiding unnecessary invalidation is important, easy to do when we get frustrated, and then acknowledging when they have done something. At the same time restraining from heaping praise on for what really should just be an everyday action.

You will never get it totally right, but at least understanding the mechanisms at play may help you avoiding escalating into pettiness. Avoid the temptation to reply with "What?I do it all the time", rather just a simple "oh yeh, thanks for doing the dishwasher/putting the fan on". I know you probably dont get it in return, but then you are not a validation junkie in need of a constant external supply. You self validate by knowing you have done what needs to be done.

pwBPD are often motivated mainly by impulse and  immediate needs, and they get frustrated when these are blocked. Seeking visible rewards for their efforts is a need. Often they lack obligation and responsibility based motivators, that is, doing something they dont want to do willing just because it needs to be done, they struggle to self validate, so playing the martyr is fishing for an external validation reward.

My wife can't do any chore without telling me about it, otherwise in her mind there is no value in doing it, she may as well leave it to me. She prefers to stick to high visibility grand gestures that can be readily milked for praise.

[Ccswim]

This is exactly my situation as well, thank you for the validation/good advice on this chain.  This actually came up yesterday for me, my uBPD husband pulled in "he has higher cleaning standards" than me in an unrelated discussion and said I "never" vaccum or clean the floors.  Reality is, every weekend he very particularly cleans the floors his way.  I have tried to learn his way, listened to irrational instructions on the superiority of his way and yet never seem to do it right, so he does it so "it gets done right."  Also, I vaccum in between cleanings as necessary during the week because our dogs track in small debris which he cannot stand.  I simply don't tell him every time I vacuum during the week, because why would I?  I'm doing it to avoid his frustration over seeing debris yet don't need to be praised for it.   When I calmly said I do vaccum during the week as needed he scoffed and said "no, you don't." 

I often dont "point out" as people on here have directed but sometimes I can't help but state the untruth because it just is so frustrating.  I know it does no good and he doesn't listen, acknowledge, or validate it, but sometimes I just can't help it.  I've learned doing so calmly is much better than arguing the point, but I also know there's no point in me doing so at all except I feel like I have to for my own sanity almost for self validation.