What. I didn't handle it well

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Coffee today was not good.
The roommate, ex g/f my pwbpd lives with,
she is losing her job and now he doesn't know when she is leaving.  She won't be able to move out NOW, because of this.  He says she won't have anywhere to go.
She will be doing good financially with unemployment and won't be able to qualify for a lease without a job...
The last time we talked, last week, one week ago, she had put an offer in on a home in her home town, was going to transfer, now it's all f'd up...

I guess she didn't put an offer, was just looking for a place...i was misled.

He said that he had to leave early today, and so he and I are meeting again tomorrow...

For the last year i have been given one excuse after the other.

I know the virus has put a lot of things on hold and messed up things.

I guess he won't move out or ask her to leave.  That is the problem.  I asked him to move, we can live together__he didn't say no, I could just tell he wasn't ready for that...

I am thinking of just telling him tomorrow to get lost.

I don't know and now it's beyond reasonable.

When he talks to me he sounds truthful.

I don't get it.

I think he is stringing me along and he has BPD, so he has abandonment issues...

He says they are not a couple.


I don't know what is going on.

He seems genuine.  It's like there is no momentum to do anything on his part...


I guess nothing is THAT bad for him.

He asks me to be patient, it will work out, it is probably going to take a little longer.

He says he wants to spend more time with me.

Any experience, strength and hope out there.?

[juju2]

Coffee today was not good.
The roommate, ex g/f my pwbpd lives with,
she is losing her job and now he doesn't know when she is leaving.  She won't be able to move out NOW, because of this.  He says she won't have anywhere to go.
She will be doing good financially with unemployment and won't be able to qualify for a lease without a job...
The last time we talked, last week, one week ago, she had put an offer in on a home in her home town, was going to transfer, now it's all f'd up...

I guess she didn't put an offer, was just looking for a place...i was misled.

He said that he had to leave early today, and so he and I are meeting again tomorrow...

For the last year i have been given one excuse after the other.

I know the virus has put a lot of things on hold and messed up things.

I guess he won't move out or ask her to leave.  That is the problem.  I asked him to move, we can live together__he didn't say no, I could just tell he wasn't ready for that...

I am thinking of just telling him tomorrow to get lost.

I don't know and now it's beyond reasonable.

When he talks to me he sounds truthful.

I don't get it.

I think he is stringing me along and he has BPD, so he has abandonment issues...

He says they are not a couple.


I don't know what is going on.

He seems genuine.  It's like there is no momentum to do anything on his part...


I guess nothing is THAT bad for him.

He asks me to be patient, it will work out, it is probably going to take a little longer.

He says he wants to spend more time with me.

Any experience, strength and hope out there.?

[juju2]

So the last time I gave him an ultimatum, about 4 weeks ago, I said I would be moving, he would have to pick up his stuff he still has here, etc etc.  He has a ton of his stuff here.

He smoothed it all over, he is great at that.
Just 4 weeks ago it looked like she was moving out.  He said that it won't be long.

I told him I would move, he would have to take all his things, and he would never hear from me again.  I wasn't going to let him know where I was. 

I feel like he is just without any direction, conviction, just taken in by whatever.  He does have a problem making it financially by himself.

Today he said he had no work.  He said he lined up work for tomorrow.  He lives on a small disability check, he is 80% disabled with bpd.

I do see his side and that lady helps with the bills.

It's just all too convenient and I don't know what is going on.  I am perplexed.

The other side of me is like, yes I do understand. 

I lived w my then husband years before I had the nerve to actually change living arrangements.  That was my only marriage, 20 years ago...and we had two young kids...

I am not that upset.  It has been one excuse after the other for a year now.

[formflier]

I'm going to give some very broad general advice.

It seems that you know what you want him to do (move his stuff out) and then somehow you get talked into not wanting that anymore.  Then feel like you got duped. 

Do I have that about right?


If I have that right, what are the chances that "this time" or "next time" will be different?  Seriously...what are the chances?

So...if you want things to change, you will need to be the one to change.

Best,


FF

[juju2]

I did see that today.

I am a big part of this.

So tomorrow I can let him know something...

The key is being able to speak with conviction what I am actually going to DO.

And then do it.
I don't even need to tell anyone.  I just need to make a plan and get some gosh darn follow through.

It has gone on for so long.

I thought getting a new number and new email would help.  He can't reach me easily and that's fine by him!

Death by 1000 tiny cuts.

I don't know what to do or say...

I am too tired today to think about it.

To top it off I have insomnia.  I cannot sleep at nite and it's all connected.

[juju2]

So ff.  You know me from 2 years ago here, I am juju.  Ff you have a lot of compassion for people.  Thank you.  You tried to help me.

I got fed up with everything, was in a bad place mentally.  I left this site.

I got into my 12 step program, I have recovery-3 years--- in 2 wks from gambling addiction and am in recovery for co dependency.
He has 21 years recovery, sponsors men trying to change their life.

He is a good guy.  I am a nice lady.

We are in a stuck place.  I care too much about him to just say get lost forever.

I have proved to myself I cannot do that.

[juju2]

So tomorrow will be the first time he has asked to see me twice in one week.

For two years we would see each other once a week, once every 3 weeks, once every 6 weeks...nothing consistent...
I think it's significant.

I think it means he is trying to show me as much support that he can.

Maybe I can show acceptance for what is being given.

Maybe I can show patience instead of being mostly fed up. 

[Cat Familiar]

If I remember correctly, he's strung you along with unkept promises for years. You've been OK with accepting crumbs. What is different now?

[formflier]

We are in a stuck place.  

A choice has been made to stay in a stuck place.  

There are many..many...many different ways to solve the issues that are presented.

For instance:  The stuff that just won't leave.  Rent a storage facility, move the stuff there, perhaps even pay a couple months in advance, then let him know where his stuff is and how to access it.

Or...have him remove his stuff from the property.

Or...

Here is what is not solvable.

You want (blank) in a relationship.  You don't require that a guy give you that to be in a relationship with you.  

Therefore I don't believe you will ever have what you want in a relationship until you require it.

Please don't hear or experience what I said in a mean or hurtful way.  Please do experience what I said as a clear "Axiom" of life.  

I would encourage you to focus on that truth and make a deliberate effort to ignore details such as "x calls this week".  Those details are distractions...sideshows...

Best,

FF  

[juju2]

so without knowing anything about this. 

I appreciate the stab in the dark.

I guess you could be right.

We had 10 years together. 

I guess what is hard is fighting two fronts.

I am having a specific issue.  I don't need shot or pot shots.  It's easy to say "you don't require...  And not know what about the previous 10-11 years.  What do you know about that.
We did have a long term committed r/s.  He and I took separation.  He went off deep end.

Now, I am picking up pieces.

This place is like shock treatment.

No I don't have the money for storage.   He doesn't. 
I guess it's hard if someone can't do what the clear answer is...according to someone.

Fact is I do not have any answers.

Fact is no one has any answers.

[formflier]

Fact is no one has any answers.

This is not a fact.  Claiming things as "facts" when they are not is most likely the kind of thinking that has gotten you to this point.    Please take some deep breaths and be deliberate about "considering the possibility" that what I have said is true.

Here is the thing about axioms. (the way life works)

The past 1 year, 5 year, 10 years (fill in the blank years) doesn't change them.

When a person makes a choice to accept less than they want in a relationship, it is unlikely that person will get what they want in that relationship.

I would encourage you and others to evaluate whether this statement "rings true".

Best,

FF

[juju2]

you are right.

you have the answers.

[juju2]

I guess I would like to hear from someone separated from bpd male, after long term r/s.
Anyone meeting those life giving experiences, please respond.


Anyone in a r/s with a bpd burdened person, could be wrong and also having a difficult life by definition.

No one, including the bpd person chooses
this.

Each of us here, are involved, moved, in, some sort of bpd disturbed type of relationship.

None of us here is free.

Each of us is struggling.

I would go farther and say, not one of us chose this.

That being the situation, past present or future, my only request is to tread litely and with respect.
people, myself included, are hurting over what is being shared and are not made of metal.

And so just do x,y,z.  The things I have not done.  You will feel better and I will be right.

[formflier]

I would go farther and say, not one of us chose this.

I think you could gain insight by expanding and explaining this in detail.  It would also help us give better advice.

Best,

FF

[juju2]

No one here chose to be with a disordered person.
We found out.   At some point.  I actually knew he had bpd before our first date in 2007.  He said I need to let you know about something.  I have bpd, I am 80% disabled.  I have a doctor who is treating me.

How many of us find out this way.

Then it was up to each one of us to cope, find a way, and then cope some more.

So each one of us here is dealing with something.  Every day.  There are people here who got out.  They have a story too.

So yes.  Do x, do y, do z.

Feel better.  I will help fix you.

Some people here are never the same.

[formflier]

No one here chose to be with a disordered person.
We found out.   At some point.  I actually knew he had bpd before our first date in 2007.  

So, please experience this as a genuine desire for clarification.

You assert that none of us made a choice to be in relationship with a disordered person, that we found out in the course of the relationship.

I accept that as true

What confuses me is that then you say he revealed his disorder to you BEFORE your first date.  I assume you had choice on whether or not to date him.  

So with the information you provided, I'm perplexed at how you can tell yourself you had no choice in this matter.

I hope you can clarify.

Best,

FF

[juju2]

I had no clue what bpd was.  I didn't research it.  I wasn't that worried about it.  We had talked on the phone.  I was going to see how our date went.
We hit it off, love bombing.  He seemed normal.  Like many, I didn't notice the red f l a g s.
I now see that all the stuff shared here, the stages, it is understandable to me in hindsight.
I had no clue to research bpd when our r/s was in its wonderful stage...
It wasn't until 5 years in to living together that I even thought maybe something was amiss...he is very high functioning...

All I meant was: once I was involved with him, we had time together, it's hard to just say, you have a disorder.  I am outta here.

[formflier]

Did you have a choice in having a relationship with him?

It's doubly important to "reality check" when involved in a dysfunctional relationship.  Please trust me on this.

Best,

FF

[juju2]

I am just going to see how today goes.  
I usually journal and had stopped doing that.  That was helping and so am going to continue.  
I guess I want to know if he has any first steps he is going to take, what they are, what is the plan...
He helps men every week change their lives. (In his recovery program, he sponsors 3-4 men, they meet once a week or more, or less, whatever is needed) I know he knows big picture, he can plan.  Am going to see if he is willing to put something measurable in place.

That makes sense and I will see what happens.

[juju2]

Yes I had a choice.  When he got full blown into his disorder, I did have a choice.

 Up until those times, like I said, he was pretty normal.

[formflier]

And...today...now, you have a choice about the future.  Right?

How does that relate to the "axiom" that your life/relationships are likely NOT to change, unless you change?

Very...very important and fundamental truth to understand...

Best,

FF

[juju2]

I am not attending f f school.

I am simply sharing from my experience.

I shared already what my idea is for the last up.

[juju2]

^^^meet up.^^

I do appreciate your comments and I am doing what is right for me.

[formflier]

I think he is really seeing what we had together and he and I both want to somehow get that back.

Juju,

This is for you and for others that may be reading these threads in detail...or just passing through.

A common thing that happens in dysfunctional relationships is hyper focus on what we "think they think" (which often turns out not to be the case) combined with a reluctance for explicit communication about feelings/relationship issues AND clarifying when words and actions don't match.

When words and actions don't "match", where is the wisest place to put your focus?  In what is said...or what is done?

Best,

FF

 

[juju2]

Actions trump words

So my focus is on my actions, do my actions match my words.

[formflier]

do my actions match my words.

Do his?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

So only received fairly recently an introduction to integrity...

 

Integrity is an important concept.  I'm curious how your thought processes changed as you incorporated integrity into your recovery.

Also important to offer congratulations on your recovery.  It's obviously a precious thing to you.   

Best,

FF

[juju2]

So mostly not.

And I have been all over the map upset, unhappy, and not really focused. 

we are in the beginnings of setting the groundwork for reconciling.  For me this is huge.

It is a significant step forward that we are meeting twice in a row.  When we used to meet 2-3-4 up to 6 weeks apart...
I haven't been requesting. 
What I did do before Thanksgiving 2019, is state, if I spend another holiday alone, it will cause me to go ahead and do x.y.z.
Then, when thanksgiving came around, he did get himself clear, and we spent most of that day together.  It was a nice day.
And Christmas, we had a plan to be together, and then I got sick and I had to cancel.  He did get himself free.

So I feel like we can work together and he does show willingness.  I do want to be respectful and I do want to move forward.
So I think we are on the same page, and I do not know what this is going to look like.
I am relying on my faith, my support community, and really just taking things one day at a time.
We both have a strong shared value in recovery and 12 step work.

Am not sure how this community can be of support.
I do appreciate the listening ear(s), non judgemental shares, safe communication (which is a 12 step term, basically responding without judgement and responding with "i" or "me" vs you.)
Thank you everyone for reading this.

[juju2]

Incorporating integrity daily.  I get new insight into this and then can backslide.
For me it will be a lifetime journey...

There is no recovery without integrity.
I guess it's mostly about personal accountability, not being a victim, what can I do better, prayer, listening.

Thank you for the congratulations.

My story is its never too late.

[formflier]

So I think we are on the same page, and I do not know what this is going to look like.

I wonder how you can gain clarity about this?  What do you think?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

My story is its never too late.

EXACTLY! 

Can you expand a bit on how you define integrity?

I also think it would be wonderful for others with similar struggles if you can share an examples of your life and thought process "before integrity" and the "after integrity". 

Best,

FF