Toughest day in a long time, likely over a year

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So, a government bureaucrat/policy in my state really complicated my life.

For whatever reason, the last two years our joint income tax return has showed up as a direct deposit in a joint account with only her name on it.  (I can hear lots of people going...that must have been "interesting")

Last year she believes I "stole" her money because only she has income in this state and it "was all hers".  (never mind what the tax return says)

After having a surprisingly uneventful tax season this year (our finances are a bit complex due to multiple properties/types of income streams) she announced to me that she would be "taking her money and I couldn't stop her" (or words to that effect).

I didn't "bite" yet offered her the chance to meet and trace income streams through taxes and I was sure we would be able to come together on a way to split the money.  She assured me there would be no compromise...I dropped the issue.

The deposit came in and while "pending" I was relieved to see it had no name at all attached to it.  I transferred it to a holding account with a note saying "hold for discussion".  (so..I was "imposing compromise" or the money wouldn't be spent at all)

Then when the transaction "finalized"...guess who's name showed up.  I emailed my CPA to confirm and ask why and she had no idea...

Several times I dipped my toe in the water to see if I could "get ahead" of this...but the temp was never right.

(my wife rarely gets in this account)

Yesterday...she got in the account...

Let's just say that on the "BPD message board" they would have given her a gold medal for not leaving out any "dysfunctional tools"...even threatening to through all my stuff out of the bedroom/take my valuables.  (I noted this because I ...literally...don't think she has ever used that threat before)

I was able to work on some plumbing projects and generally stay out of her way and minimally answer text messages (like 95% of words were hers and 5% mine).

Well...I used every tool and point of view I could think of.

It lasted about 5 hours.

Then she started trying to "love bomb" and "make up". 

She just got up...so we'll see how today is.

I'm tired...

Best,

FF

[formflier]

So, a government bureaucrat/policy in my state really complicated my life.

For whatever reason, the last two years our joint income tax return has showed up as a direct deposit in a joint account with only her name on it.  (I can hear lots of people going...that must have been "interesting")

Last year she believes I "stole" her money because only she has income in this state and it "was all hers".  (never mind what the tax return says)

After having a surprisingly uneventful tax season this year (our finances are a bit complex due to multiple properties/types of income streams) she announced to me that she would be "taking her money and I couldn't stop her" (or words to that effect).

I didn't "bite" yet offered her the chance to meet and trace income streams through taxes and I was sure we would be able to come together on a way to split the money.  She assured me there would be no compromise...I dropped the issue.

The deposit came in and while "pending" I was relieved to see it had no name at all attached to it.  I transferred it to a holding account with a note saying "hold for discussion".  (so..I was "imposing compromise" or the money wouldn't be spent at all)

Then when the transaction "finalized"...guess who's name showed up.  I emailed my CPA to confirm and ask why and she had no idea...

Several times I dipped my toe in the water to see if I could "get ahead" of this...but the temp was never right.

(my wife rarely gets in this account)

Yesterday...she got in the account...

Let's just say that on the "BPD message board" they would have given her a gold medal for not leaving out any "dysfunctional tools"...even threatening to through all my stuff out of the bedroom/take my valuables.  (I noted this because I ...literally...don't think she has ever used that threat before)

I was able to work on some plumbing projects and generally stay out of her way and minimally answer text messages (like 95% of words were hers and 5% mine).

Well...I used every tool and point of view I could think of.

It lasted about 5 hours.

Then she started trying to "love bomb" and "make up". 

She just got up...so we'll see how today is.

I'm tired...

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

What's yours is mine, what's mine is mine and what's ours is mine...

I feel your pain.

There's a perception that because you're/we're competent with money, in some way we'd try and use that competence to 'do-over' our partners. Rather than competance being seen as a blessing and something with which to feel thankful for it's seen as a source fear, loss of control.

... Don't judge me by your own standards!

[Cat Familiar]

Her underlying paranoia was triggered and explanations are bound to be perceived as JADEing. 

Sometimes you have to explain, but it falls on deaf ears when they’re triggered. 

Both my mother and my current husband have had sudden paranoia triggers, seemingly out of the blue, where they thought I was “out to get them”. 

If I really intended to do so, they wouldn’t have suspected a thing. 

[Ozzie101]

Yes, that paranoia trigger. Money is a huge one with my H — especially when he’s in a “zone.” Lately he’s been focused on why the mortgage, my car and most utilities are in his name (there are good reasons for it, but no matter).

Good for you for hanging in there. Five hours is a long one but I admire your ability to stay out of her way.. I hope things go well today!

[formflier]

... Don't judge me by your own standards!

Or by objective..."auditable" reality.

I'm used to audits for federal funds and audits in county government.  All different levels of review to determine objectively...forensically...what actually happened with money.

I made a couple of decisions a couple of years ago.  

I would try to "season" my words validate and all that, but not budge one inch on reality.  I'm fully ready to accept whatever "consequences" come with that.

Part of that is trying to get her "reacting" to me...vice me reacting to her.

Perhaps it is working...

I can't properly say how much I appreciate each and every one of you guys...so I'll say thank you and just know it's so much more.

Best,

FF

[empath]

What's yours is mine, what's mine is mine and what's ours is mine...

And if it might be yours, it's mine...  Money is a trigger for my h, too; at least, he can verbalize his feelings of shame around it. It is exhausting to run into the shame wall, though.

I've been accused of financial misdoings, too.

Hopefully, today has been better.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi FF,

I haven’t been able to get on for a few days and was surprised to read your post. I am so sorry this happened to you.  My H also has issues with money, which in turn has made me feel extremely unstable financially. Right now the uncertainty is causing him a great deal of stress and he is immensely myopic that this is only happening to him.

I wish I had half the great advice you’ve always given me, but unfortunately I do not.  That said, I totally understand your approach and it seems reasonable to protect the funds until a discussion can be had.

I hope things are better today but please let us all know how you’re doing.

[formflier]

I hope things are better today but please let us all know how you’re doing.

Much better...dramatically better.   (I got a really good nights sleep last night)

We had a long snuggle session and some talking in bed this morning (no sex).  She has a busy day of "virtual teaching" planned today and I've got a fairly long list as well (and potentially mourning the end of a 1996 Subaru that has been a long term family car).

When you are driving and the windshield wipers start going triple/quadruple speed (uncommanded) and you smell smoke...and the car shuts off shortly after.  

Might be able to start tracing wires tonight..or maybe tomorrow.

Sorry...back to the issue at hand.  Tomorrow looks better (more open) for both of us.  I asked her if we could plan for a "nooner" (meet up in the bedroom for...you know and some talking time)

She said sure.

Anyway...the money issue has "blown over" but nothing has been "solved" or even "talked about".

I plan to be proactive tomorrow and bring up the issue.

Totally open to suggestions.  

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

My moneys on a melted relay.

[formflier]

My moneys on a melted relay.

Yeah...a fuse blew AND the fusible link melted/burned up.

My question is why. 

I'm guessing a wire rubbed and shorted or maybe the windshield wiper switched shorted out internally...

or..

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

Yeah...a fuse blew AND the fusible link melted/burned up.

My question is why. 

I'm guessing a wire rubbed and shorted or maybe the windshield wiper switched shorted out internally...

Could be many many things. Unlikely to be the internals of the wiper motor though as it still moved, more likely to be the thing that tells the motor to move or not. A solenoid or relay or something like that. I've had relays melt for no apparent reason other than old age.

Needless to say, have you googled it? There's gazillions of forums and you typically find the exact symptoms and solution from someone.

Happy hunting!

Enabler 

[GaGrl]

"My money's on a melted relay."

 Sorry...I have to confess that I thought you were still talking about FFWife, not the car!

[Enabler]

Tee he he he, well, who knows what a cognitive relay looks like! Have you noticed any smoke coming out her ears or a burning smell FF?