New here; adult daughter with BPD getting married

[Snackety]

Hi All. I’m new here and looking for some support. My daughter has struggled with BPD for a while. She is living on her own and engaged. She recently told us (her parents) that we have emotionally abused and manipulated her for her whole life and therefore doesn’t want us to come to her wedding ceremony, but wants us to come to her reception (this is still months away). She has since blocked our social media connections and has posted some things insinuating that we have been abusive. She then emailed us listing what she expects us to purchase for the wedding but doesn’t want us to communicate with her. She is also communicating with only one of her siblings who is only 14. This puts her sister in a tough situation, feeling like she’s caught between her parents and her sister.

So having said all that, I’m doing my best to respect my BPD daughter’s wishes and also keep my boundaries. I’m also trying to support my non-BPD daughter and not make her feel stuck in the middle. I’m nervous that my future son-in-law and his parents don’t know what challenges they will be facing, but I have no contact with them,  nor do I think they would believe me.

I’m pretty overwhelmed with how to move forward. I love my daughter, but it seems to be nearly impossible to show her that and also protect my other family members. I want to respect myself and not be pushed around. Her demands about her wedding and our behavior are a little extreme, particularly since she wants no other interaction than for us to show up and do exactly what she says. We have already given her the wedding money we promised so that she could plan the wedding she wants. I really don’t want to go at all since she is so hostile to us but I worry that that will fuel her claims of abuse.

Feeling overwhelmed and stuck. Help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Snackety:
I'm so sorry about the situation with your daughter.  What type of treatment has she had (DBT?  Meds?) Does her fiance know that she has BPD?  Has the relationship with her fiance been rocky?

Sounds like she has totally embraced the one theory that abuse can be the cause of BPD.  Has anyone on either side of the family had mental health issues?  

You have to decide on your own boundaries. As an outsider, it appears to me that she has you held hostage.

I'm thinking that parents not appearing at the ceremony, but then attending the reception will get tongues wagging. Just the way she plans to treat family will speak volumes to others and will be a smear campaign in and of itself.

How do other family members feel about going to the wedding - the 14-year old, the others?  Has she ever had a good relationship with any siblings, other than the 14-year old?

[Snackety]

Thank you for your thoughtful response!

She was in an inpatient facility for a little while after a suicide attempt and cutting a couple of years ago, then was in some therapy for a few months, after which she seemed to feel and do better. She’s never been on meds. Once she quit therapy she met her fiancé, and has since been highly attached to him, taking on his identity and beliefs. It seems that he fuels her victim-type thoughts, but I can’t tell if he’s just buying into what she says and that reinforces it, or if he is suggesting things to her. I’m sure he knows about the suicide attempt, but I don’t know that she told him a diagnosis or not. From watching the two of them, it certainly seems that she drives the relationship and that he is just along for the ride. I worry about him and his family.

There is a lot of mental illness in the extended family, more on my side, but it exists on both.

It does feel that she has held us hostage for a long time, but we have worked to hold our boundaries, which, I think, is why she is claiming abuse. We don’t do everything she demands.

Her older brother is struggling at whether he wants to attend the wedding as well. He loves her and has had a good relationship with her but gets frustrated at how she treats us all. My 14 year old wants to go but is wary. My BPD daughter has told the 14 year old that she doesn’t like being with her youngest sister (and she demonstrates that by being quite unkind) so she really only interacts with the 14 year old.

We have months to decide what we will do for the wedding. I don’t want to cause a lifelong rift, but I don’t want to be pushed around either. I would like the relationships between all of my children to remain intact as much as they would like, but I don’t want any of them to feel that have to choose between their parents and their sister. I don’t know how to let my daughter know that I love and respect her and still be comfortable with my own boundaries. Since she doesn’t want to talk or work with us, it’s hard to have any discussion or make any compromises.

[livednlearned]

BPD traits tend to cause splitting effects throughout the family (e.g. people feeling they have to pick sides). Your BPD daughter probably doesn't have a mental model for how to conduct herself in relationships without having an us and them mentality. There is no other way, in her mind. Either you are for her, or you're against her. Vilifying you may be stabilizing her relationship with the fiance.

Learning how to step out of the drama triangle created by high-conflict people is possible, and also challenging. It has taken me years to be aware when it's happening and how to respond.

It's a hard, painful lesson to learn that, like you mentioned, having boundaries will be interpreted as abuse, or "you don't like me." It's interesting that your daughter has such mixed messages about your participation (you can't come to the wedding, you have to pay, you can come to the reception). I wonder what's going on with that, whether it's her fiance who is uncomfortable taking money from you? Maybe the reception is his compromise? It seems odd.

The hardest part is that it can feel like you're the guilty party for making the mean decision to have a boundary, instead of being put in a bad position by someone who has opted to use bullying to get her needs met.