Step-daughter creates constant chaos in my home

[Toomuchdrama]

I married a man who married and lived with a borderline personality disorder for over 28 years.  Although he explained some of his children's resultant behaviors, one with drug abuse issues, another daughter violent, a son with gender issues, and another daughter who consistently creates drama (someone or something in the family does everything wrong), I was unaware of his role in the family dynamics as the rescuer,  which he still does with the drama daughter who feeds on this role.   After divorcing his ex-wife, I thought, erroneously, that these dynamics would shift to something healthier, but he carried these unhealthy dynamics into our relationship. His behavior also changed from supportive to unsupportive.  I am at an impasse as the drama daughter, whom he rescues, plays the victim--and does not take responsibility for her actions.  Example, I had cancer and two doctors ( counselor and oncologist) had decided that having the drama daughter's children down for more than a week was against my health.  He and his daughter decided that they should come down three weeks, instead.  My subsequent anger over the lack of boundaries and respect for another's help made my husband say, "These are my children and I will do anything for them."  This has happened on more than one occasion. The second time that it happened, I left the drama daughter's children with Bill and followed my doctor's orders as I found that he was non-empathetic with doctors orders or my illness. He had to use his PTO time, I was unsympathetic.

We have been to marriage counseling, but he did not relate the fact that his ex had borderline personality, choosing to focus on "my problems" in explosive, violent reactions.  I am at my wits end and am considering divorce.   Can anyone tell me how they handled similar situations?

[Toomuchdrama]

I married a man who married and lived with a borderline personality disorder for over 28 years.  Although he explained some of his children's resultant behaviors, one with drug abuse issues, another daughter violent, a son with gender issues, and another daughter who consistently creates drama (someone or something in the family does everything wrong), I was unaware of his role in the family dynamics as the rescuer,  which he still does with the drama daughter who feeds on his role.   After divorcing his ex-wife, I thought, erroneously, that these dynamics would shift to something healthier, but he carried these unhealthy dynamics into our relationship. His behavior also changed from supportive to unsupportive.  I am at an impasse as the drama daughter, whom he rescues, plays the victim--and does not take responsibility for her actions.  Example, I had cancer and two doctors ( counselor and oncologist) had decided that having the drama daughter's children down for more than a week was against my health.  He and his daughter decided that they should come down three weeks, instead.  My subsequent anger over the lack of boundaries and respect for another's health made my husband say, "These are my children and I will do anything for them."  This has happened on more than one occasion. The second time that it happened, I left the drama daughter's children with Bill and followed my doctor's orders as I found that he was non-empathetic with doctors orders or my illness. He had to use his PTO time, I was unsympathetic.

We have been to marriage counseling, but he did not relate the fact that his ex had borderline personality, choosing to focus on "my problems" in explosive, violent reactions.  I am at my wits end and am considering divorce.   Can anyone tell me how they handled similar situations?

[Deb]

Hi toomuchdrama,

I

 Don't have any answers for you,  just a suggestion that you may get more support on a different board.

[worriedStepmom]

Hi Toomuchdrama and welcome.  It sounds as if you've had to deal with a lot - a relatively new marriage?  A lot of family drama.  Cancer.  (I hope that you are recovering now!)

A lot of people who've been in relationships with people with BPD have very poor boundaries.  That's part of why they were able to stay in the relationship so long, and it can be really hard to "fix" that part of themselves because they've been emotionally abused for so long that they've lost sight of what normal actually is.  My husband was with his uBPDex for 7 years.  It's been 10 years since they split; we've been together 8 years, and he still struggles sometimes with recognizing that his ex's demands are not healthy.

Have you ever read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend?  That really helped me.  Boundaries are for you and what you will tolerate, and not for him.  For example, you prioritized your health and refused to watch the grandchildren.  That was your boundary and you were absolutely right to do that.  Your h then had a choice - cancel the visit or figure out how to handle it on his own.

In that situation, you took yourself out of the triangle.  It wasn't an issue of you vs H vs drama daughter anymore.  You did what you needed to do, and H and drama daughter had to figure out the rest without anyone else there to rescue them.

It sounds like you have a therapist for yourself?  That's going to be vital to work through how you can continue to prioritize normality and remove yourself from their drama.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello TMD.  Sorry to hear about your health challenges coupled with marital challenges.  Sounds like boundary issues.
 There are numerous step-parents that have similar issues you encountered.  Suggest you read posts by WorriedStepMom (WSM), LiveandLearn (LNL), and...?Panda.  MomaWolf is also a great reference.  Peruse this board and you'll find posts by them (and the correct screen names!), and reply's to posts with good information.  I found it beneficial to link to their individual posts through this board.  Click on their screen names.  They are a wealth of information and have a lot of experience.  I hope they will chime in on this one as well.  Good luck and God bless.  jdc

[GaGrl]

Just a few questions, so that I can better reply...

Have you had conversations with your husband in the past on the priority of your marriage and each other, versus where your children come into play? What did he say?

Had the drama daughter been diagnosed with BPD of any other condition, such as bi-polar or anxiety? Is she currently seeing a therapist?

My husband and I have a blended family of adult children and grandchildren. His ex is undiagnosed BPD/NPD, which affected his children in different ways. Under the best of circumstances, step-parenting is difficult.

[livednlearned]

"These are my children and I will do anything for them."

That's a tough sentence to hear. I've been the recipient of a similar sentiment.

How did you respond when he said that?

We have been to marriage counseling, but he did not relate the fact that his ex had borderline personality, choosing to focus on "my problems" in explosive, violent reactions.

That can't feel good. What does he mean by explosive and violent?

I am at my wits end and am considering divorce.   Can anyone tell me how they handled similar situations?

I learned skills to manage both H and SD23, in different ways.

The most important thing I've learned, and I can't seem to learn it enough: I cannot change H with words.

If I want his behavior to change, I have to change mine.

It's taken a while but I feel that I've been successful in neutralizing SD23. I don't fight with H about her anymore because I did forensic level study of my relationship with her and how to defang most of her behavior. I even have compassion for her, which is possible mostly because my boundaries are tough as steel.

How does drama daughter treat you when you're together?

[Wanders]

Does step-daughter take any drugs now occasionally or, maybe, drink? In that case, some you can provide some support (if you want to continue the relationship, of course), here are some tips that can be helpful: https://addictionresource.com/alcohol/treatment/how-to-quit-drinking/ But if that's not the case, I think it's worth to pay a visit to a psychologist. What I'm trying to say is: you should definitely do something if you want changes.