eldest asking very specific questions about who was here and how often while they were away - Social distancing rules in place at present. Oldest stays up late after others goes to bed with her mum and is treated as a friend and confidant. So understand she is struggling with loyalty issues.
Hi AA;
That sounds like my husband's [DH] oldest (my 14 year old stepdaughter [SD14]). She's usually with us a little more than SD12, who is more clingy to Mom at this stage, but the other week she texted to DH that she couldn't "in good conscience come over because it might spread the virus and hurt the community" or something really canned like that. It was really interesting... DH called and just asked her to tell her about how she felt, and asked her if she had any questions for him about the precautions our workplaces were taking. (this all came from Mom wanting to deny parenting time if DH and I kept working while her house was in voluntary quarantine... long story, ugh). SD14 said "it wouldn't make a difference" to know about the precautions our works were taking.
And in a way, she's right. Because emotionally, she "knew" she had to be with Mom, supporting Mom's narrative. If she logically, rationally could make sense of how she COULD be with us, she would be even more torn apart, because that wouldn't make a difference
emotionally.
I wonder if your oldest is, in a way, trying to set up a drama scenario that will "prove" that their mom is right -- as a way to have emotional calm and sureness, if that makes sense. Scenario: narrative from Mom is that only Mom is safe and loving and protective, and no information must challenge that narrative (i.e. info from the younger siblings that maaaayyyybbbee all isn't perfect at Mom's). It is devastating to kids to see that a parent is unwise, incapable, unprotective, etc., so the older one is starting to have to construct "tests" to "prove" that Mom is right.
So, if there is "proof" that you had people over, or got close to people, or would do something that would get Mom in trouble, or whatnot, then that "confirms" that Mom is right (she is warm, caring, protective, wants to be with the kids) and you are wrong. And that artificially generates the feeling of stability that the kids need.
When people construct drama scenarios to confirm something, it could be described as a drama triangle. Have you heard of those before? I think there is a link on the site somewhere to the Karpman drama triangle. You can also google search for "Lynne Forrest" and "Faces of Victimhood" (I think) for a great article about it.
Basically, we can get drawn into drama that is a scenario that reenacts a belief that the kids (or others) want to be bolstered. The kids want to see their mom as a victim, so they (unconsciously) set up a "play" where Mom is the Victim, they are the Rescuers (defending Mom), and therefore you must be the Persecutor (the one who is mean, won't leave Mom alone, is hurtful, etc).
The only way to not play into that scenario is some really skillful, but non-intuitive moves and statements, to disengage and not "play the role you're cast in".
DH and I have gotten sucked into these with the kids before. I've learned recently that any time I feel like I have to respond to the kids by justifying myself, arguing, getting defensive of my actions, or explaining "the truth" (note, this is the acronym JADE), then I've already confirmed their preconceived narrative (from Mom).
Instead, I have to back out of the "fake scenario" by making more neutral statements, and putting the work back on the kids by asking them questions.
Option 1:
Kids: "Did anyone come over while we were gone? It seems like someone did."
JADE reaction: "That's not true! I've never had anyone over to the house in the last six weeks."
Kids: "The more AA denies it, the more we know Mom is right, and AA is lying".
Getting out of drama response:
Kids: "Did anyone come over while we were gone? It seems like someone did."
AA's neutral response: (with calmness and maybe a smile): "Lots of people are concerned about that these days, huh? What do you think?"
...
It's really hard when the kids have been parentified (treated as the friend and confidant) and overempowered to judge actual parenting (which is what you are doing, actual parenting). With those kids, whenever we can step away from conflict and arguments over "what happened" or "who thinks what", and move to a position of "How are you feeling about it" or "I would be worried, too, if I thought someone came over", that can diffuse the tension and conflict.
Let us know more of how things are going or what communication resources you'd like to try... we can even talk through any conversations you think might be coming up, and practice neutral responses with you!
cheers;
kells76