Year from hell, looking for support

[momwithbpdteen]

My daughter has been challenging since we adopted her at age one.  Over the years we have had ups and downs.  She was always the friendliest little girl ever and so affectionate but would have major meltdowns.  She was challenging and had difficulty being on her own.  She would not sleep well and following instructions.  When she was upset she would put words in my mouth, spew venom and would be hard to console.  One hour later she would act like nothing happened.  She struggled in school from a young age but I gave her all the support I could and found what she needed.  I am a teacher and that helped a lot.  I knew what to ask for.  She struggled with friends a little but always had kids to play with.  She was kind and the other kids saw that.  But when things didn't go her way she would get extremely emotional.  Tears, screaming... when she was young others would swoop in and try to help her.  As she got into middle school, it wasn't cool anymore and kids started distancing from her.  That was the first time we saw self harm.  We got help did whatever we could and it seemed to improve, or so we thought.
Fastforward to April 2019.  I got a call at work that my daughter was rushed to emerge.  She had taken pills and felt sick at school.  By the time I met her at the hospital the police were there and she was stable.  She took Advil the night before, hoping it would end her life.  She was admitted to a adolescent program for 2.5 weeks.  Within two days they told us she was one of the neediest youth they ever experienced.  They felt she showed major tendencies to BPD.  Fast forward a year.  6 hospitalizations, many meltdowns, lots of self harm (cutting, choking, breaking bones) threats and emotional turmoil.  Any request is a challenge (self care is torture).  This has been coupled with the diagnosis of my husband her dad of terminal cancer.  I am looking for any tips dealing with a teen girl.  My biggest daily challenge is self care.  She also has major separation fear.
thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Thank you so much for writing us.  I am terribly sorry for all you are going through with your husband and your daughter.  Your story with your daughter is a very familiar one.  We have often experienced that once puberty starts, the BPD comes out.  It has something to do with the influx of hormones and the ever changing teen brain.  My son ( now 26) was suicidal at 12  and then started" exploding " into rages once he hit 13 years old , etc. 

In addition , your daughter is also responding to her father's situation and is suffering grief  as well.  Even if she doesn't understand the enormity of the situation , she senses it.   I am glad she is under treatment.  Now for you- I don't know if financial situation/ health insurance allows, but seeking therapy for your self would be a great support for you .  Many of us, including myself, have our own therapists .   Some have video chat capabilities.
~meditation.  Even the 4( inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4) can break spiraling anxiety temporarily. 
~ I also do tapping EFT ( emotional freedom technique) via youtube.  You tap on certain points of your body while repeating the affirmations they say.  This helps me temporarily.
~Yoga and exercising via youtube/ zoom/ skype helps.
~Don't forget the baby steps- eat , shower, brush teeth. 
~ Sit , stand , or walk ( socially distanced) in nature .
I am sure others will chime in.  Please continue writing to us , too. 

[livednlearned]

Hi momwithbpdteen,

Did the psychologists associated with the 2.5 week provide you with any guidance on next steps? A few weeks of treatment seems pretty meager given what your daughter is going through (and your family).

What are the main challenges with self care that you're experiencing? I imagine that your daughter does not want you to leave her sight?

When my stepdaughter was living with us I had to lock the door to my bedroom and put on noise cancelling headphones to carve out alone time. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without those headphones. I have a very sensitive son with Asperger's but nothing prepared me for the intense needs that SD23 had. There were days I came out of my room and she was right there outside, waiting. A grown woman.

I'm glad you reached out. What kinds of self care are you managing to eke out given everything that's going on? Sometimes it can be helpful to hang onto those small threads and then go from there.