My ex just took my kids

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I finally got the courage to leave my husband in August after 12 years of marriage. I would have left 4 years earlier, but he had recorded me and filmed me throughout our marriage. And even though he doesn’t really have anything incriminating against me, he threatened that if I ever left him he would take the kids and leave me homeless. I left carefullly trying to be friendly so I could keep my daughters and share custody, but when I filed for divorce In January he took them and falsely accused me of abuse. I have never hurt my babies and they are my world. The oldest one became a bit influenced by him and stayed with him until this month and the younger one came back to me after two weeks and with the help of lawyers. I have been happily reunited with both girls for almost three weeks and they have been the happiest weeks for me this year, despite corona. Even both of my girls have said so. We were making plans for our future even. I suppose he could not stand to see us happy and yesterday showed up at my door, claiming the girls were unsafe, pushed his way in and took them. He has filed for sole custody and responded to my restraining order with his own. He still will not return them or let me talk to them and tells me they are scared of me. Please help!

[Daisy717]

I finally got the courage to leave my husband in August after 12 years of marriage. I would have left 4 years earlier, but he had recorded me and filmed me throughout our marriage. And even though he doesn’t really have anything incriminating against me, he threatened that if I ever left him he would take the kids and leave me homeless. I left carefullly trying to be friendly so I could keep my daughters and share custody, but when I filed for divorce In January he took them and falsely accused me of abuse. I have never hurt my babies and they are my world. The oldest one became a bit influenced by him and stayed with him until this month and the younger one came back to me after two weeks and with the help of lawyers. I have been happily reunited with both girls for almost three weeks and they have been the happiest weeks for me this year, despite corona. Even both of my girls have said so. We were making plans for our future even. I suppose he could not stand to see us happy and yesterday showed up at my door, claiming the girls were unsafe, pushed his way in and took them. He has filed for sole custody and responded to my restraining order with his own. He still will not return them or let me talk to them and tells me they are scared of me. Please help!

[MeandThee29]

I'm sorry that you even have to navigate this. Such cruelty, and so confusing for the kids.

No matter what he says, the courts do NOT often grant full custody. Generally speaking, the parent losing all custody has to disappear or be homeless and strung out on drugs or the like for that to happen. Just wanting custody and forcing it isn't right. You need a formal agreement and the law behind you.

In my area, the courts are open for this type of emergency, and the law office my lawyer is associated with always has one of them on call for urgent situations.

[Turkish]

What's the timeline here? Was the RO filed yesterday or today, or were yours and his in response earlier? Did you call the police for trespass or violation of your RO (assuming it was filed earlier)?

I can imagine you're beside yourself (I would be!) But if you tell us more details, we can help support you better.  What does your lawyer say?

[ForeverDad]

So sorry to hear this.  The professionals (court, agencies, police, lawyers) are greatly displeased when a person takes the law into their own hands.  However, once it gets fixed they will often act like "It's fixed now so why are you so upset?"  They know separations have heightened emotions but figure it will all blow over as the parents move on with their lives.  The problem is that an acting-out personality disorder is involved, the conflict and discord don't just go away, rules and boundaries need to be enforced.

As MeandThee29 stated, courts are very reluctant to grant permanent sole custody unless there is substantive evidence of child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.  His seizing the kids by force after there was already a temporary order in place is a huge No No.  Yes, he can file for a change but he has to wait for the court to issue an order to countermand the prior one you received.

This is not to say one parent can't get a temporary order for temporary custody, my ex-spouse got that and I lived with alternate weekends for two years during our separation and overlong divorce process.  I walked out with joint custody.  A few years later I also became Legal Guardian (my state's phrase for sole legal custody) when I documented that she continued obstructing the court's order.

Report his home invasion to the police, children's services and your lawyer should immediately bring this to the court's attention.  As I wrote, him violating your (temporary?) order of protection is a huge red flag to the courts.  He probably won't get away with this.  Actually, him doing this rash action ought to strengthen your case to be temporary custodial and primary parent, at least for now and probably at least to the end of the divorce.  For now, him filing his own petition for protection will probably mean more hearings in court during the next few weeks.  Hmm, that he filed it with a court (the same court you filed with?) may not mean they've approved any portion of it, just that they received it?

It's possible that he will try to get you to weaken your own position and retreat in parenting, agreeing he can get more of whatever he's seeking.  Can you stand firm and strong for yourself and your children?

Please verify with your lawyer or counselors how your court handles custody (legal overall authority) versus parenting schedule (the day-to-day details for parenting time, child exchanges, etc).  Seeking sole custody, whether temporary or inn a final decree, does NOT mean the other parent loses all parenting time.