I Broke up with my BPD Girlfriend, Love story turned to horror movie

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 
So: It all began when I was at a birthday party, and I saw this very pretty, innocent looking girl crying by herself.
I (having always considered myself a gentleman) went over to see what upset her, "maybe I can help her" I told myself.
I then found out, she just broke up with her BF that very same day, when I asked why she said "he cheated on me". I thought to myself "oh my, that guy sucks, who would cheat on such a perfect young lady, she is a princess, she deserves much much better".

Ofcourse I was drunk and so was she, it was a party after all, and there I was, hugging that random Girl I only ever met one time before that for 5 minutes, when she came to my concert (I am a Bassist, as my name states). 15 Minutes later, after I made her feel slightly better and I let her cry on my shoulder (literally, my t-shirt was soaked with her tears), I asked her if she wants to go back into the crowd, she agreed and so we went to sit down at a table, poured ourselves a drink, and talked for maybe 30 minutes. All of a sudden, she says something that takes me by surprise, something no one ever told me before: "my god, why are you so handsome? you make me feel bad about myself... I was just crying over my break up and here I am 30 minutes later,  looking at the most handsome guy ever". This sentence made me melt. My whole world, turned upside down by one random crying girl at a party. "I am handsome?" I mean, I'm not bad looking, I was probably one of the better looking guys at that party but... why me? Was I just at the right place at the right time?
And so I asked her if she wants to go lay down on a field nearby, I didn't care about the party anymore, I was in love. I never believed in love at first sight, but i knew, I can be the prince she deserves, I will take care of her, I will never be the asshole her ex was, she deserves better, she deserves me, the romantic, starry night loving, poem writing, musician. I was the perfect guy, she was the perfect girl. Oh how wrong both these ideas were.

We laid on that field for hours, the party was ending, we never spoke to each other during those few hours, we just looked at the perfect sky, at the stars, the moon, I was dreaming about a Love story taken straight out of fairy tales. My life was complete, now just to seal the deal. I looked at her, she looked so precious, so sweet, I could feel that this girl knows how to love. She was that type of girl who you instantly know: she is a keeper, she will love me more than anyone else, together we will conquer the world.
And so, without asking, I grabbed her hand, so soft, so lovely, so perfect. My body felt like it was trapped inside a thunderstorm of emotions, i was overwhelmed, never before having felt such love towards another person.

Sounds pretty perfect right?
Let me tell you, it was perfect. The first few weeks were the most beautiful weeks of my life. We used to go on a hill near my house, every single evening, and we would lay there on the grass, late into the night, just cuddling, just playing with eachother, loving eachother.

And after maybe one month, I made my first mistake:
We were often doing foreplay, and kissing very passionately, and ofcourse me being a guy, and she being the most beautiful girl i had ever met, I was quite excited, and ofcourse, with hormones pumping, I wanted to have sex. So I talked to her about it: "Why do we always kiss so pationately, and even do foreplay, but never actually have sex?". To which she replied " I am scared, my Ex always wanted that too, and it was never good".
I told her, I will try to be gentle, and at first, I just want to pleasure her, by any means neccessary, we will make it all about her.
One week passes, no answer, two weeks, and she tells me "look I am scared, I have a problem down there, it hurts every time, i don't want to do it".
At first I was worried she had some kind of medical condition down there, so I didn't press the matter, but the hormones inside me were raging, and after maybe another week, I told her: "look, We need to talk about this seriously, my sex drive is very high, we have been together for 5-6 weeks, we constantly make out, foreplay, and I need this, we need to try, we can't continue like this for whoever knows how long".
I admit, maybe I was too impatient, but this was not about patience, it felt neccessary, I couldn't keep making out and foreplaying forever, just to get blue balled, and go into the bathroom to masturbate afterwards, because of the discomfort this abstinence was causing me.
But the way she answered, shocked me: this is when I noticed this girl was unusual.
She didn't talk about it, she just told me: "all you care about is sex, this is all you talk about, what about the other things?". BUT I WAS DOING EVERYTHING ELSE! . I truly loved her, we went every day on the most simple yet wonderful dates. We loved eachother, We slept together( in the same bed) 4-5 times a week (this was during summer vacation, I was sleeping over almost every day) and as I said, we were foreplaying every single night, we fell asleep hugging eachother every day, sex was only the cherry on top I still desired.

And yet, instead of talking about it, she ran away.
She blocked me, and ran away from home (she was sleeping over at my place that week). She left her stuff at my place, blocked me on whats app, and ran away, no talking, no arguing, just... ran.

I tried to reach her with the help of her best friend, I finally did, and then, after one long day, I spent crying, think it was all my fault, she comes back, I spend one hour explaining her what i truly meant by "we need to have sex, or we have to stop foreplaying so much, because my hormones can't manage that abstinence".
After one long hour of talking, we finally hugged, she understood, we were going to try sex.

This was the first time, I noticed she was different: she ran away from problems. She actually even ran away from home a few months back, when we met, I didn't know she had so many personal problems (ran away from home, dropped out of highschool, etc.).
She ran away from home, because her mother was annoying her by telling her to stay in school. She dropped out of highschool because she was afraid of bad grades.
All of this was foreign to me, me being a Grade A student my whole life.
But whatever, I told myself, Love can conquer everything, we will overcome your problems, we will make it all better.
(Noteworthy: at this point I didn't know about her BPD or her Depression)

So, after our "sex talk", an amazing sex life started. She loved it, I loved it, it was amazing, we were doing it 3-4 times a week, quite healthy I believe. It was so amazing, so passionate, it was truly, the cherry on top. It was the fulfillment of our love, it was the peak.
We just loved eachother soo much  .

And then: two months into the relationship, It all became obvious. Something is wrong. Something deep inside her is not right, and it was bugging me, I didn't know what it was.
As I said, I am in a Semi Professional Band, I want to pursue a musical carreer, and my Girlfriend, hated my band more than anything. She came by during rehearsal one time, and she saw us drinking and making jokes. It was literally just that. She saw me laughing. I seldom laughed around her, I was always so serious, and caretaking, I smiled a lot, she made my day brighter, but we never made stupid retarded jokes, like me and my bandmates. And she was jealous because of that.
She started hating them, because she saw me happy around them, and we have to Singers (Girls), she was so jealous about them.
She spend days, talking to my father, convincing him, my band is changing me into a worse person, telling him we drink and laugh, and that she never before saw me act like that (One of my band members made a very good joke, and I literally fell of the couch laughing, I had such a good time around them).
And my GF was so worried about my behaviour being different with the band than it is around her, she tried to take us apart. I felt so sad, I started crying (my favourite person in the world, is trying to take away my favourite thing in the world: Music), and I went into my room, while she was talking to my dad, closed the door behind me, and cried. When she came back, we talked about it, and her points were making no sense. She kept going in circles about how i laughed at that joke. I thought the whole discussion was plain stupid, and useless, I was not going to quit my band. I told her that. And I went to sleep. Alone. When I wake up at 2 am, I realize, my GF is nowhere to be seen. I searched the whole house, she was gone, her stuff still there, her clothes, everything.
I put on a jacket, went outside, and there she was, in the neighbours garden, dressed in pijammas, only one thin pullover, she was shivvering, talking to her ex, about our problems, and about how she wants to help me (she still believed I have a problem, because of the band).

I will not explain the rest in such a detail, you get the picture, and I am on a BPD forum, so many of you know how sad and difficult it is when your partner has BPD.

Fast forward: after countless arguments over pointless things I had done, for example: Me greeting the Casheer (woman) wishing her a nice day, and my GF saw this as flirting so she ran away from me, I had to run, catch up, explain to her over 2 hours, that i was just being polite.

You notice something? A pattern of, me doing mundane stuff, followed by me GF running away from me, followed by 2 hours of me explaining my actions, followed by us loving eachother (culminating in sex after arguments).
This was going on 2 maybe 3 times every week.
Almost every second day, I had to calm her down, explain that everything is alright, that I am not cheating, I am not being brainwashed by my band, etc.

And then one day... it happened.
I went to visit her mother, with whom my GF refused to talk, because I wanted to understand the whole story. I wanted to help my GF but she wouldn't let me so I went by myself.
I met her mother, she was crying, depressed over her daughters actions, she was such a lovely lady, she loved me from the first time we met.
While I was there, crying together with her mum, because I understood, how my GF, her Daughter just runs away, from all problems which were often not even real (just in her head), my GF found out on the Snapchat map, that I was at her mom's place. She raged, she had a break down, told me she will never trust me again, that I ruined her life, and that  SHE WAS CUTTING HERSELF! This was something i never knew about. And on that day, not only did she write me, she was cutting herself, but that she wants to kill herself. I pannicked, and I called 911, I got in a car and drove as fast as I could, hoping to save her life. But, she was fine, she didn't do anything dangerous. My best friend, told me, she notices BPD tendencies in my GF, and that I should get away as soon as possible, before she drags me down into depression.
I didn't want to hear about that. I was so much in love, I actually said some nasty things to my BEST FRIEND, I told him to "go PLEASE READ yourself, I am not abandoning my GF, I will help her, until she is healthy". I regret saying this to this day. Anyways everything was fine between me and my GF after that, she came to live at my place for 2 months after that, I was gonna take care of her 24/7.
What followed is tragic.
The 2-3 times/week arguments continued, many suicide threaths, many explanations from my side, "I am doing nothing wrong" I kept saying.
At one point i couldn't take it anymore. After maybe 4 suicide threaths, I said: "you either go to see a therapist/psychologist or we break up". She started crying and begging, she didn't want to go. But I was not moved. She had to go, or else we couldn't continue. I couldn't keep living with the constant fear of her killing herself over something I did with no ill intention.

She finally went to the doctor, was diagnosed with BPD and Depression, she was given 5 different Pills to take each day, and that is when we knew: ok.. you are ill, you have a disorder, I will be by your side, and I will fight until you get better, I will FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE.
And so it continued. At first it was better, and I was glad, the medication is working,
but than one day (Noteworthy: I helped her go back to her mother, which she tanked me for so many times, she told me "you gave me my mother back, I love you, I thank you, you are perfect, and I am sorry I so often don't listen to your good advice".
I thought everything was going to finally be great. She had her mum back, I even almost managed to help her start school again, didn't work our after all, she decided to take a job in a restaurant instead.
But one day: one day her mother found out she was smoking. Obviously her mother yelled at her and was pissed. What did my GF do?
Well here is the story of how it all ended:
We were gonna drive to the airport to pick up my mom. She came into my car, I knew she had argued with her mom, and I noticed she smelled of alcohol. I didn't say anything. We drove 5 km, and she asks me to stop the car, she had to puke. I asked her if she took something else too, or just alcohol, because it was not adding up. She only drank a few shots, why is she puking. She told me she took around 16 anti depressant pills. As soon as I heard that I raced towards the hospital, my GF was unconcious when we got there. I grabbed her Brother to stay with her in the hospital, I had to pick up my mom from the airport as I said. I drove for 200 km to the airport, i don't know how I got there safely, i couldn't think about anything, my mind was blank, i was only crying, because I was yet again afraid of my GF dying. When I got back, she was fine, acted like nothing happened, wanted to have sex, I started crying when I saw the cut marks on her arm. She cut into her own flesh the words "I hate myself". I couldn't. I just started crying. How can she act like everything is normal ? I told her I was breaking up. She begged me for another chance and I gave it to her, but I said, I need 2 months break, I need to heal from that trauma.
The break was going well, I was feeling better, but after 2 weeks she beg me to end the break. She changed, that's what she told me. I will not regret it. And so I made the mistake, of offering her a date that night. It was so perfect. Just like when we met. Starry sky, it was as if we were reborn, ready to start fresh.
But after 2 days, i noticed, the trauma was coming back. I kept crying, I was feeling weak and exhausted, i just wanted to break up, I wanted to heal myself. As much as I loved her, I had already offered 10 second chances maybe more.
Because I didn't want her to hate herself for the break up... I did the most horrible thing I ever did. I told her.. I loved someone else. ( It was ofcourse a lie, i was just devastated, and knew I have to make her want to go away, or else it will just be a cycle of breakups and make ups, which would hurt her too, and I didn't want that).

What followed broke me.
Two days after, she posted two whole pages on instagram about me, about how people should stay away from boyfriends like me, and I got so upset about that. How can she forget all the times I actually saved her life, I was there day and night, I took her into my own bed when she was homeless. And how she tells people to stay away from me, because I "abused her?" because "I am a drunk and a drug addict?" I only ever drank together with her when she offered me, and I used to smoke weed, but I quit 1/2 years ago, never touched it again. I don't want to say, everything she wrote was a lie, but she just told everyone my deepest secrets, the things I AM ASHAMED OF.
Is this the payback I deserve for basically giving her my attention day and night one year long?

I still can't get over it. Will it get better?

[AmazingBassist]

 
So: It all began when I was at a birthday party, and I saw this very pretty, innocent looking girl crying by herself.
I (having always considered myself a gentleman) went over to see what upset her, "maybe I can help her" I told myself.
I then found out, she just broke up with her BF that very same day, when I asked why she said "he cheated on me". I thought to myself "oh my, that guy sucks, who would cheat on such a perfect young lady, she is a princess, she deserves much much better".

Ofcourse I was drunk and so was she, it was a party after all, and there I was, hugging that random Girl I only ever met one time before that for 5 minutes, when she came to my concert (I am a Bassist, as my name states). 15 Minutes later, after I made her feel slightly better and I let her cry on my shoulder (literally, my t-shirt was soaked with her tears), I asked her if she wants to go back into the crowd, she agreed and so we went to sit down at a table, poured ourselves a drink, and talked for maybe 30 minutes. All of a sudden, she says something that takes me by surprise, something no one ever told me before: "my god, why are you so handsome? you make me feel bad about myself... I was just crying over my break up and here I am 30 minutes later,  looking at the most handsome guy ever". This sentence made me melt. My whole world, turned upside down by one random crying girl at a party. "I am handsome?" I mean, I'm not bad looking, I was probably one of the better looking guys at that party but... why me? Was I just at the right place at the right time?
And so I asked her if she wants to go lay down on a field nearby, I didn't care about the party anymore, I was in love. I never believed in love at first sight, but i knew, I can be the prince she deserves, I will take care of her, I will never be the asshole her ex was, she deserves better, she deserves me, the romantic, starry night loving, poem writing, musician. I was the perfect guy, she was the perfect girl. Oh how wrong both these ideas were.

We laid on that field for hours, the party was ending, we never spoke to each other during those few hours, we just looked at the perfect sky, at the stars, the moon, I was dreaming about a Love story taken straight out of fairy tales. My life was complete, now just to seal the deal. I looked at her, she looked so precious, so sweet, I could feel that this girl knows how to love. She was that type of girl who you instantly know: she is a keeper, she will love me more than anyone else, together we will conquer the world.
And so, without asking, I grabbed her hand, so soft, so lovely, so perfect. My body felt like it was trapped inside a thunderstorm of emotions, i was overwhelmed, never before having felt such love towards another person.

Sounds pretty perfect right?
Let me tell you, it was perfect. The first few weeks were the most beautiful weeks of my life. We used to go on a hill near my house, every single evening, and we would lay there on the grass, late into the night, just cuddling, just playing with eachother, loving eachother.

And after maybe one month, I made my first mistake:
We were often doing foreplay, and kissing very passionately, and ofcourse me being a guy, and she being the most beautiful girl i had ever met, I was quite excited, and ofcourse, with hormones pumping, I wanted to have sex. So I talked to her about it: "Why do we always kiss so pationately, and even do foreplay, but never actually have sex?". To which she replied " I am scared, my Ex always wanted that too, and it was never good".
I told her, I will try to be gentle, and at first, I just want to pleasure her, by any means neccessary, we will make it all about her.
One week passes, no answer, two weeks, and she tells me "look I am scared, I have a problem down there, it hurts every time, i don't want to do it".
At first I was worried she had some kind of medical condition down there, so I didn't press the matter, but the hormones inside me were raging, and after maybe another week, I told her: "look, We need to talk about this seriously, my sex drive is very high, we have been together for 5-6 weeks, we constantly make out, foreplay, and I need this, we need to try, we can't continue like this for whoever knows how long".
I admit, maybe I was too impatient, but this was not about patience, it felt neccessary, I couldn't keep making out and foreplaying forever, just to get blue balled, and go into the bathroom to masturbate afterwards, because of the discomfort this abstinence was causing me.
But the way she answered, shocked me: this is when I noticed this girl was unusual.
She didn't talk about it, she just told me: "all you care about is sex, this is all you talk about, what about the other things?". BUT I WAS DOING EVERYTHING ELSE! . I truly loved her, we went every day on the most simple yet wonderful dates. We loved eachother, We slept together( in the same bed) 4-5 times a week (this was during summer vacation, I was sleeping over almost every day) and as I said, we were foreplaying every single night, we fell asleep hugging eachother every day, sex was only the cherry on top I still desired.

And yet, instead of talking about it, she ran away.
She blocked me, and ran away from home (she was sleeping over at my place that week). She left her stuff at my place, blocked me on whats app, and ran away, no talking, no arguing, just... ran.

I tried to reach her with the help of her best friend, I finally did, and then, after one long day, I spent crying, think it was all my fault, she comes back, I spend one hour explaining her what i truly meant by "we need to have sex, or we have to stop foreplaying so much, because my hormones can't manage that abstinence".
After one long hour of talking, we finally hugged, she understood, we were going to try sex.

This was the first time, I noticed she was different: she ran away from problems. She actually even ran away from home a few months back, when we met, I didn't know she had so many personal problems (ran away from home, dropped out of highschool, etc.).
She ran away from home, because her mother was annoying her by telling her to stay in school. She dropped out of highschool because she was afraid of bad grades.
All of this was foreign to me, me being a Grade A student my whole life.
But whatever, I told myself, Love can conquer everything, we will overcome your problems, we will make it all better.
(Noteworthy: at this point I didn't know about her BPD or her Depression)

So, after our "sex talk", an amazing sex life started. She loved it, I loved it, it was amazing, we were doing it 3-4 times a week, quite healthy I believe. It was so amazing, so passionate, it was truly, the cherry on top. It was the fulfillment of our love, it was the peak.
We just loved eachother soo much  .

And then: two months into the relationship, It all became obvious. Something is wrong. Something deep inside her is not right, and it was bugging me, I didn't know what it was.
As I said, I am in a Semi Professional Band, I want to pursue a musical carreer, and my Girlfriend, hated my band more than anything. She came by during rehearsal one time, and she saw us drinking and making jokes. It was literally just that. She saw me laughing. I seldom laughed around her, I was always so serious, and caretaking, I smiled a lot, she made my day brighter, but we never made stupid retarded jokes, like me and my bandmates. And she was jealous because of that.
She started hating them, because she saw me happy around them, and we have to Singers (Girls), she was so jealous about them.
She spend days, talking to my father, convincing him, my band is changing me into a worse person, telling him we drink and laugh, and that she never before saw me act like that (One of my band members made a very good joke, and I literally fell of the couch laughing, I had such a good time around them).
And my GF was so worried about my behaviour being different with the band than it is around her, she tried to take us apart. I felt so sad, I started crying (my favourite person in the world, is trying to take away my favourite thing in the world: Music), and I went into my room, while she was talking to my dad, closed the door behind me, and cried. When she came back, we talked about it, and her points were making no sense. She kept going in circles about how i laughed at that joke. I thought the whole discussion was plain stupid, and useless, I was not going to quit my band. I told her that. And I went to sleep. Alone. When I wake up at 2 am, I realize, my GF is nowhere to be seen. I searched the whole house, she was gone, her stuff still there, her clothes, everything.
I put on a jacket, went outside, and there she was, in the neighbours garden, dressed in pijammas, only one thin pullover, she was shivvering, talking to her ex, about our problems, and about how she wants to help me (she still believed I have a problem, because of the band).

I will not explain the rest in such a detail, you get the picture, and I am on a BPD forum, so many of you know how sad and difficult it is when your partner has BPD.

Fast forward: after countless arguments over pointless things I had done, for example: Me greeting the Casheer (woman) wishing her a nice day, and my GF saw this as flirting so she ran away from me, I had to run, catch up, explain to her over 2 hours, that i was just being polite.

You notice something? A pattern of, me doing mundane stuff, followed by me GF running away from me, followed by 2 hours of me explaining my actions, followed by us loving eachother (culminating in sex after arguments).
This was going on 2 maybe 3 times every week.
Almost every second day, I had to calm her down, explain that everything is alright, that I am not cheating, I am not being brainwashed by my band, etc.

And then one day... it happened.
I went to visit her mother, with whom my GF refused to talk, because I wanted to understand the whole story. I wanted to help my GF but she wouldn't let me so I went by myself.
I met her mother, she was crying, depressed over her daughters actions, she was such a lovely lady, she loved me from the first time we met.
While I was there, crying together with her mum, because I understood, how my GF, her Daughter just runs away, from all problems which were often not even real (just in her head), my GF found out on the Snapchat map, that I was at her mom's place. She raged, she had a break down, told me she will never trust me again, that I ruined her life, and that  SHE WAS CUTTING HERSELF! This was something i never knew about. And on that day, not only did she write me, she was cutting herself, but that she wants to kill herself. I pannicked, and I called 911, I got in a car and drove as fast as I could, hoping to save her life. But, she was fine, she didn't do anything dangerous. My best friend, told me, she notices BPD tendencies in my GF, and that I should get away as soon as possible, before she drags me down into depression.
I didn't want to hear about that. I was so much in love, I actually said some nasty things to my BEST FRIEND, I told him to "go PLEASE READ yourself, I am not abandoning my GF, I will help her, until she is healthy". I regret saying this to this day. Anyways everything was fine between me and my GF after that, she came to live at my place for 2 months after that, I was gonna take care of her 24/7.
What followed is tragic.
The 2-3 times/week arguments continued, many suicide threaths, many explanations from my side, "I am doing nothing wrong" I kept saying.
At one point i couldn't take it anymore. After maybe 4 suicide threaths, I said: "you either go to see a therapist/psychologist or we break up". She started crying and begging, she didn't want to go. But I was not moved. She had to go, or else we couldn't continue. I couldn't keep living with the constant fear of her killing herself over something I did with no ill intention.

She finally went to the doctor, was diagnosed with BPD and Depression, she was given 5 different Pills to take each day, and that is when we knew: ok.. you are ill, you have a disorder, I will be by your side, and I will fight until you get better, I will FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE.
And so it continued. At first it was better, and I was glad, the medication is working,
but than one day (Noteworthy: I helped her go back to her mother, which she tanked me for so many times, she told me "you gave me my mother back, I love you, I thank you, you are perfect, and I am sorry I so often don't listen to your good advice".
I thought everything was going to finally be great. She had her mum back, I even almost managed to help her start school again, didn't work our after all, she decided to take a job in a restaurant instead.
But one day: one day her mother found out she was smoking. Obviously her mother yelled at her and was pissed. What did my GF do?
Well here is the story of how it all ended:
We were gonna drive to the airport to pick up my mom. She came into my car, I knew she had argued with her mom, and I noticed she smelled of alcohol. I didn't say anything. We drove 5 km, and she asks me to stop the car, she had to puke. I asked her if she took something else too, or just alcohol, because it was not adding up. She only drank a few shots, why is she puking. She told me she took around 16 anti depressant pills. As soon as I heard that I raced towards the hospital, my GF was unconcious when we got there. I grabbed her Brother to stay with her in the hospital, I had to pick up my mom from the airport as I said. I drove for 200 km to the airport, i don't know how I got there safely, i couldn't think about anything, my mind was blank, i was only crying, because I was yet again afraid of my GF dying. When I got back, she was fine, acted like nothing happened, wanted to have sex, I started crying when I saw the cut marks on her arm. She cut into her own flesh the words "I hate myself". I couldn't. I just started crying. How can she act like everything is normal ? I told her I was breaking up. She begged me for another chance and I gave it to her, but I said, I need 2 months break, I need to heal from that trauma.
The break was going well, I was feeling better, but after 2 weeks she beg me to end the break. She changed, that's what she told me. I will not regret it. And so I made the mistake, of offering her a date that night. It was so perfect. Just like when we met. Starry sky, it was as if we were reborn, ready to start fresh.
But after 2 days, i noticed, the trauma was coming back. I kept crying, I was feeling weak and exhausted, i just wanted to break up, I wanted to heal myself. As much as I loved her, I had already offered 10 second chances maybe more.
Because I didn't want her to hate herself for the break up... I did the most horrible thing I ever did. I told her.. I loved someone else. ( It was ofcourse a lie, i was just devastated, and knew I have to make her want to go away, or else it will just be a cycle of breakups and make ups, which would hurt her too, and I didn't want that).

What followed broke me.
Two days after, she posted two whole pages on instagram about me, about how people should stay away from boyfriends like me, and I got so upset about that. How can she forget all the times I actually saved her life, I was there day and night, I took her into my own bed when she was homeless. And how she tells people to stay away from me, because I "abused her?" because "I am a drunk and a drug addict?" I only ever drank together with her when she offered me, and I used to smoke weed, but I quit 1/2 years ago, never touched it again. I don't want to say, everything she wrote was a lie, but she just told everyone my deepest secrets, the things I AM ASHAMED OF.
Is this the payback I deserve for basically giving her my attention day and night one year long?

I still can't get over it. Will it get better?

[daze507]

Out of curiosity, how old are you guys? Because, one month without intercourse, even without considering BPD, it's not a red flag you had here but an entire soviet parade.
Ok, I read all the rest, I am sorry for what happened to you.
As you may already know, BPD forget what they want to forget to fit their narrative. In my case it was the same, she was all "you have to give me proofs you care about me, that you love me" even if I had already done many of these things but it's all erased.
My honest point of you: You have been very strong because, leaving the person we love is not an easy task, not at all. You did the right thing as you realised she was draining the life out of you.
You can't live like that so don't be hard on yourself and remember she has mental severe mental issues so don't waste your time trying to rationalize her behaviour, it's pointless.

[alittleawkward]

^ Personally I disagree. I went 2 months without having sex with my ex at the start of our relationship, and it was fine. Just the nature of how things moved with us. Everyone moves differently in the bedroom!


My god, what a story Bassist. You have been taken for a hell of a ride.

So much of your story rings with me; the perfect first couple months, finding the cracks thereafter, and the grip of guilt you feel when the person you love starts self harming over situations you find yourself feeling guilty for, even if you had no direct impact on the matter.

I think for the sake of anyone else looking to help, it would be good to get a gauge on how long ago this all happened?

I think also for the benefit of yourself, trying to work out the different stages of your relationship with your ex may be beneficial in understanding it all better. Reading up about and understanding BPD was fundamental to me getting over my relationship:
https://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin has some fantastic videos explaining BPD, and books such as 'walking on eggshells' and 'the big book on borderline personality disorder' really help you get a grip on the different version of reality that your ex was living in.

It seems like from your writing that you swooped in and picked her up at a low moment, becoming her chivalrous knight. Pretty much immediately she idolised you, but also attached expectations to you for picking her up from such a low place. This is maintained when a relationship is young; mistakes are forgiven, things that would otherwise raise flags are ignored because you're doing really fun things and are otherwise having a really great time. It happens in most all relationships.

Your fight over sleeping together is a case where both your idealisations of each other clashed. You expected her to be okay with it (reasonable from your perspective) but she expected you to be okay without it (reasonable from her perspective). This clash can be the demise of relationships if people are adamant about their own expectations, unless they can be worked out. Like you did. This is a typical BPD characteristic, idealising someone and holding them as a golden person who can do no wrong - so when they do the tiniest little thing, it stings them so much more, and makes them panic.

BPDs most always react emotionally when in a situation they find uncomfortable - they do things in the spur of the moment without consideration of the repercussions. Running away from their problems is one version of this, but also making crushing comments and being emotionally manipulative and abusive, so to hold control over an element of their life. Just know that when a BPD is making hurtful comments, it's because they will often be hurting much more inside, and they need to spread their load. Running away achieves a similar thing - emotional fight or flight. After they've done this, rather than apologising and accepting how horrible or distant they have been, they will act like nothing has happened, as accepting that they have been so bad and may be flawed will just crush them further.

BPDs have fear of abandonment, which can lead to them trying to detach their partners from things they love, so all their attention is focused solely on them. This is survival for the BPD, they are scared they will be left for other things they love, and ultimately their desperation to feel loved leads them to doing radical things, like taking a partners hobbies and friends away from them, leading to them being abandoned by their own doing. A truly chaotic cycle. 

By the time the self mutilation starts, much of the idealisation stage has disintegrated. The chaotic nature of the BPD is fully revealed, and they can feel the relationship slipping. In a desperate act for attention and love, they will self harm. This is a momentary relief of the pain they feel inside, and is often done impulsively, in a frustrated haze. Through mutilation, drug, and alcohol abuse, the same thing is achieved. It's a distraction. It's control over something (even if it's pain). It's a sure fire way of getting attention. It's self punishment for BPDs who cannot own up to their own actions but are self aware. It's so much more than what may be obvious on the surface, but is ultimately totally crippling for those close to the BPD too.

When you go back to a BPD after a break up, the idealisation stage can become stronger. This is probably what you felt when you briefly rekindled. Of course, the mask slips a lot quicker the second time round.

Finally, once the break is clear, a smear campaign may start. This is where the BPD needs to convince themselves and anyone else who may care that they did no wrong, it is entirely the other parties fault for anything that happened, and ultimately devalues anything the BPD cares to mention.

I am no way a professional, and to be honest, still have very little idea about what I'm talking about. I'm just shy of a year of breaking up with my exwBPD, and have been reading about it in books, online, and on this website for the last 6 months, but understanding these bold components of my relationship helped me move on significantly.


Now onto 'Will it get better?'
Yes. Every day it becomes easier. You will have hump days, horrible days, and days where you feel like you've taken 1,000 steps backward. But the more you work on getting yourself back to being ok, the easier it gets to feel good about things again.

My ex and I were long term best friends, and she was in and out of an abusive relationship and self harming. We got together, had the most perfect 3 months together, then everything started crumbling. Another 5 months on, she told me she was going to kill herself because I wasn't doing things she wanted me to do (not see my friends, quit my job and be on my phone 24/7) so I broke up with her. The smear campaign is still ongoing, but by now no one cares anymore. She didn't get diagnosed until 4 months after we broke up, so for 4 months I had no understanding as to why I was taken through everything I was.

Those words feel like daggers through your heart, but if you rise to them, they will just keep coming thick and fast. The best thing you can do is turn your back. You are broken up, and even though you do, you should know that it's not your responsibility to care about what she has to say anymore. This is your ex venting her BPD, through projection and splitting. She may feel guilt, so she pins it on someone else. A common trait for BPDs is to see the world in black and white, everything is good or bad. You went from being permanently good, to being black/white through your arguments, to being painted black. Most people live in a world of grey, where everything exists and is just there, or 'ok'. Some BPDs simply don't have this outlook on reality.

The best thing you could do right now is find yourself some coping mechanisms, and maintain a level of NC until the emotional storm settles, and reassess. Focus on yourself and what you have to say, not your ex! Interacting with her right now would be emotional suicide, and cause a lot of harm to both parties.

There is a huge understanding community here who will talk to you about most anything regarding BPD. Apologies if I've repeated anything you already know! Hopefully my colossal essay of a response can make some sense to you

[AmazingBassist]

Thank you so much Daze and Alittleawkward.
Because you asked me. We broke up 10 days ago.
The first two days afterwards, I was still missing her so much, and constantly cried, for the memories I held so dear,
Part of me still wanted those perfect times back we had at the beginning, part of me wanted to move on and become healthier myself. But then, three days later, the smear campaign started, and I was so devastated by her words, the love I still felt turned to hate, to anger, and in an emotional haze, I made the mistake (which alittleawkward pointed out too) to write her. I wrote her, telling that what she did was horrible, and that she shouldn't forget everything which we went through, both good and bad. I accepted that my method of breaking up (in my emotional confusion) was very childish and stupid, and I should have explained everything better (but I was just lying to myself... I have tried to explain it better... countless times. We were talking about breaking up for many weeks. We even broke up 2 times before, I wrote about one of the break-ups/make-ups.) I truly felt so sorry for having hurt her with my break up, even tho I knew how much pain that relationship caused me, I was still trying to protect her from pain. But she was immune. Her only answers, very basic as always, not reflective of what happened between us. The only thing she was pointing out was me feeling afraid of her dying. She kept saying: "if I had cancer, would you have left me too". I was left speechless. I can not even begin to comprehend how difficult life becomes when your loved one gets cancer. But what we had was much more than that. It was mental torture for me. She didn't want to understand.
And so I just left the conversation.
A few days later, today actually, I tried writing again, just because I felt, this whole chapter is not yet closed. I didn't want to become the villain, I told her, I will continue to carry our wonderful memories with me for the rest of my life, and I will. But she remained as cold as ever, bringing out the cancer argument again. I even appologised for the way I acted while breaking up. She said: "thank you. This is all I need. Your appology". And I was left thinking: "are you not going to appologise for anything?". In the end I was still the villain. I was still the one who had to apollogise. I was left more broken than before. That is when I found this Forum, and I decided to share my pain with others who understand me. I even deleted maybe... 120 Instagramm followers, because of the backlash her post caused. I didn't need that. I kept maybe 30 who actually know me, our situation, and who were supportive.

Daze asked how old we are. I am 20 y/o, she is 19.

The one thing I am so desperately trying to get over is this post she wrote. To know what she thinks of me after everything I did for her, it feels like: I basically gave her my life, all my time, all my love, I even neglected myself. I stopped playing Bass to spend more time with her, I stopped going out with friends because she wanted to always be together, and I gave her that. (I tried inviting her out with me, but she always hated all my friends, so I just stopped meeting them.). The relationship lasted 9 Months. Most of this time was just me and her. No friends, no hobbies, just us. I felt like I lost a part of myself, I gave up so much... Just to become the villain. This is what truly hurts me. It hurts, that even if I will probably always remember the good times we had together, she will just.. hate me. I feel left out, abandoned, alone. While I broke up, because of recent events, I remember our first months together fondly. But she abandoned all of it, all the good, and kept on only to the worst of it.
As you guys said, this is how she copes with it, I understand, but it still hurts so much.

And myself, I have started playing my instruments again, founded a new Band with my best friend three days ago, this keeps me very occupied right now. It's when I'm doing easy stuff like eating or showering, that is when my mind wonders, and just goes back to all of it.
The worst thing right now for me is: I can't really eat anything. I have been barely eating the last few days, I feel so bad, so exhausted from all of it, even eating is too hard. My stomach aches even if I think about food, and I feel ill. I heard this is a common sympthom of depression? Stop me if I'm wrong tho. I drank, a lot, the last few days, just so I won't think about it.
But today, I decided not to... just smoked the usual cigarette. I am trying my best not to drink my way through this, this is why I seek tips from you guys, I want to come out of this, healthier, better, happier, and not completely devastated emotionally.

I am looking forward to hearing from you guys again, thanks for your support  

[AmazingBassist]

Just to add one little detail. I realize it's only been 10 days, and feeling bad after a break up is normal. But Iwas ready to break up a long time ago, and was mentally prepared for it. I took it quite well until the Social Media circus that followed. Then I just drank for a few days, and today I decided to follow a road that is not self destructive.

[Martin 123]

I went through a bpd breakup at the end of january. Im 26 and shes 27. We were in a 10 month relationship and were extremely attached. She devalued me after an argument and reinvented our whole time toghether as if i was abusing her. She also did a smear campaign sharing an ig post our conversation but at least she covered my name.

The aftermath was hard. First week i couldnt eat or sleep i also had anxiety attacks. Now its time to acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship and let your emotions come out.Therapy helps too. I had to talk it out a lot too till i got tired and i felt i was going nowhere. It is a difficult transition but youll get past it. Grieving its only temporary. Reading about bpd helped me a lot everytime i felt i missed her and helped me change the focus. I had to reconstruct my image of her to move on.

[Attic]

These are not typical breakups and they always end badly.  You have a big heart, so it's going to hurt leaving someone you love and it's going to hurt that it ended badly.

I doubt you were being immature in the breakup, probably just surviving.  I felt the same way in my breakup, I couldn't take me going crazy anymore and ended it.  I felt horrible for not sitting down and explaining and talking through it... and then I remembered, I did try talking to her many times and it didn't go anywhere because I forgot how she thinks and I was expecting her to be something she wasn't.

You will always want a healthy relationship with a partner you love, but it is impossible with a pwBPD.  This is very painful for the great guys who love the person behind the BPD. It's why we end up here trying to make sense of it.

It is a challenging thing you are going through.  It's also challenging for her. One thing that helped me was realizing and acknowledging that to them it is real.  The pain, the idea we are abusers or controlling or the other horrible things they project and say about us, to them it's true.  So don't take it personally is what i'm saying.  It still hurts, but a bit less.

You sound like a great guy, a lot of us are attracted to these types of women.  Why were you willing to put up with someone like this?

Be prepared for her to reach out to you and for how that is going to feel.

Most important point here, continued contact will lead to pain, a lot of it.  I'm not trying to turn anyone on here btw.  I know some of you knuckleheads are addicted to that pain.

[daze507]

Forget what I said about sex then, despite the fact my sex drive was considerably higher than what it is now I would have waited too when I was your age.
For the rest, the guys have said everything.
What makes a breakup with a BPD far much harder than your usual breakup is that we thought we found our soulmate, the bond with them was something unique and intense, how relaxed we felt around them, how the communication flew so easily, everything felt so "natural" and perfect. I read many stories and I still have to see one where the non said something like "meh, it was OK". No, a constant is that for all of us it was THE DREAM.
Then, we cracks started to show and we realized that things were not really how we thought they were but since we are helpless romantics, we wanted to believe in it, maybe it was just temporary, just stress, maybe she would go back to who she was and love me as she used to if I manage to fix it. Well, that never happened.
So, at this point it is already hard because we must accept that all of this was exactly that: A dream, no more no less.
However, it does not end there. We also must accept that the person we love totally changed their own reality too. Do they remember all the good things you did for her? Nope. Do they remember the good moments spent together? Nope. All gone, everything. The "person I have searched all my life" is now a totally irrelevant and worthless person in the best scenario, a manipulative liar and cheater in the worst scenario. In any scenario, they don't remember they even loved us at some point.
So not only we lost the dream, the person but we also have to deal with the fact that even on their side nothing remains.
You are left with your good memories that you and only you have and you don't even know what to do with them.
Personally I have no clue what she told to other people about me but what she told me personally during the final discard is already more than enough to just guess at what it could be.
So be aware that we all know the struggle here, hearing or reading such things from a person we still are dearly in love with, it’s just excruciating and you have to go through it to understand.
I don't know, the fact that this person still exists physically but not mentally is still something that kills me. My brains remembers that version of the person but then the reality kicks in and tells me that version is no more, in fact, it even tells me that even that version was a comedy in the first place. I still want to reach out to her a lot, ask her how it goes, what she does etc. but the reality is that there is no "her" anymore, at all. Then I feel strangely alone and I sense the panic rising, it is an awful feeling.
Sometimes it is OK, I can cope, I even "kind of" do not care anymore. Some other times however, it is hell on earth.
You must really focus on your hobbies, to distract yourself, also friends are very important, the last thing you want to do is to ruminate all alone.

[AmazingBassist]

Thank you all for the kind replies again!
I started reading more about BPD, and I realise, how similar all our stories are.
Daze, I feel just like you. I know, she forgot everything that was between us, she is not my "Fluffy Pie" anymore. That person is gone, forever... And I too can cope with this, most of the time.
But today, I found the bracelet she gave me for valentines day, with our names and the date when we got together written on it. I had to put it away, hide it. I almost burst out in tears when I saw it. Everything came rushing back, the memories, the love, the cuddles, the kisses. But eventually it went away, and I felt better.
Every day gets a little easier, and the best thing is, today, I managed to finally eat "enough" to not starve. My stomach thanked me. Also, I abstained from alcohol today once again. Two days sober, just focusing on music and my good friends.
I am so thankful to have found you guys, I never believed someone would be able to relate this much to my story, but here, we are all the same. We are all brothers.

[daze507]

Excellent job, carry-on like that!