World turned upside down

[Frankee]

Hot topic that is on the world's mind.. COVID-19.  A virus that has put the world on lockdown and a choke hold and has turned everything upside down.  My job shut down.  I was working at a hotel on the island.  Before the city became a ghost town, my back was so messed up.  What's even more messed up is where I am today, writing this message.  I am back in the house.  I feel every time I come back on here, I have more and more curveballs and surprises at every turn.  Truth is, my physical injury cause a domino effect that I couldn't stop.  It started with the two weeks I had to take off work.  The depression I felt the first few days and the sleep.  That gave me a big hit where I couldn't pay anything.  My roommate was not understanding and wanted her money, my credit cards hit me hard with late fees. Trickle effect.  I talked to my girlfriend in dire straights, wondering.  I had to find help in the person that was the reason I had such a hard time.  I'm not even sure when I actually moved back in. 

Shortly after, my hours were getting cut because the virus starting creeping in through our borders, an unseen attack.  Next thing I know, people are cancelling their hotel bookings left and right. That was the beginning, then the schools closed, then the daycares closed, and I had to stay home with the kids.  Then my boss messaged all of us and said, the hotel is closing.  I lost my job.  Thousands of people lost their jobs.  My CNA instructor said our clinicals are put on hold.  I know we all know the rest of the story.

I don't know where to even start.  So much has happened since I posted on here last.  I have a week and half left of classes.  I have made great progress in with healing with my back.  I still have issues and try to do the stretches and whatever exercise I can do.  But been on lockdown for.. 2 months?  I'm not even sure how long it's been now.  What is even a harder pill to swallow is the only reason I can stay at home, quarantined, and still manage to do my school is because my bph still has his job and been working full time.

I have been finding peace in burying my head in my studies and trying to enjoy the time I get to spend with the boys.  My new reality.  Finish classes and find a real solid plan to leave him for good.  No more running to a shelter, no more staying with friends.  Even finding a job is going to be a challenge.  I have tried all of those items and keep finding myself, coming back.  Always because of money.  Every time I have left, I didn't have a solid place to stay, I didn't have a solid good paying job, I didn't have a solid plan.  I don't have just myself to worry about, I have my two boys.  I had dragged them all over the place and always end up back with him.  Like a dog chasing it's tail.  Last year I left scared.  I can say though, in my journey in the past year has given me clear resilient outlook on life.

One thing that I keep telling myself if that I am not a woman who keeps coming back to her abuser because she thinks he will change.  I gave up that dead end journey, years ago.  I know some may say that I am walking on dangerous ground, but I am not wearing rose colored glasses, I know my delicate position and doing what I need to make it through.

Hopefully we'll all get a little light at the end of the tunnel.

[formflier]

 

As a person with long term back issues I can say that whenever I back off on exercises/stretches it inevitably catches up with me. 

Double down on those if you can.

Keep pressing forward Frankee...things will get better for you and your boys.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

You’re doing what you gotta do right now. It’s good he’s stepped up to the plate to be responsible financially. And you have no unrealistic expectations.

Keep learning and think of this as a blessing and opportunity to put all your focus into your studies. Enjoy the time with your boys.

You will obtain a career that is portable and will always be needed. And when you’re ready to leave for good, you won’t have to do it in a rushed and uncertain way.

In the meantime, you can work on improving your ability to peacefully coparent with him. And perhaps this uncertain time will allow both of you the opportunity to forgive each other for the past. It would be good to put that behind you as you share the responsibilities for your sons as they grow up.

Stay safe.

[JNChell]

I’d like to echo Cat. Peacefully co-parenting is a big deal. It is so hard to accept and put the BS to the wayside in these situations. I’ve recently made some ground with S5’s mom. I genuinely apologized for my part in our bad situation without putting any of the spotlight on her. I’ve learned that no good fruit comes from that. It’s also given a deeper understanding of being responsible for our own feelings. We can try to drag out of them what we want to hear with a treble hook, but the line will always snap if that fish refuses to shore.

I’ve followed your story quite a bit, this board just isn’t a platform that I’m good at. It sounds like you have a solid plan. Like Cat said, keep learning. If parenting has been looking up lately, continue with it and pay attention to what works and what doesn’t with their dad. That’ll help you and your boys down the road.

[Frankee]

I appreciate the positive feedback.  I always feel a gloom cloud hanging over my shoulder when I come back here with news that I've fallen backwards.  I really was doing so well last year.  But I have to be honest with myself, I didn't have a solid plan.  I snuck out under the radar, tried to make it work at a shelter, tried to make it work at a friends who turned out to not be as good as a friend as I thought.  With a job that wasn't cutting it on pay.  It was a hearty attempt and as I tell my girlfriend, it was a good practice run.  It also gave me a base idea of what living on my own is like.  I barely even saw my roommate at that time.  This last time was my best effort and I actually was holding my own for awhile.  I just know that I have to get a better job to make any of it really stick.

Our co-parenting has gotten better.  I do see changes in him that he's improved on.  I try to push aside my burning resentment and focus on the positive's.  I keep telling myself that I am working towards something better.  We had a conversation the other day and I realized something.  Even besides all the really bad stuff, him and I aren't on the same page with a lot of things.  When it comes to the kids, we are getting better about agreeing, but it's a delicate balance.

I think I have managed to control myself a lot more.  It's been pretty freeing when I don't care about his activities.  He's gone a lot. He's either at work, working on the boat, running "errands", hanging out with his brother, etc. Even when he gets off work he doesn't show up till much later.  He comes and goes as he please and when he's around, I remain pleasant.  I keep reminding myself that I'm not going to invest my feelings again and just let it be.  He has mentioned me returning to work once the Stay-at-home is lifted more.  Not sure what to do about who's going to watch the kids.  Daycare's still make me nervous right now.

I have a test today, an assignment due by tonight, and then my last final on Thursday.  Still trying to navigate what's happening with my CNA class.  We have only done one clinical and we still have 4 to go.

Here's working for a better tomorrow.

[GaGrl]

The clinicals have been problematic. At the beginning of the COVID-19 situation, our daughter went to California for a certification in hospice massage that included clinicals, and they were only able to do one before the facility cut them off.

[Cat Familiar]

From your writing, I notice a big difference in you, Frankee. You seem much calmer and you have a good overview of your situation and how you are planning your future. It makes total sense that you’ve needed support after your back injury. At some point in the future you will be healed and you will also have a much better paying job so that you will be more capable of supporting yourself and the boys.

I’m glad that things seem to be less stressful and you have strategies to keep them that way.

[Frankee]

The clinicals have been problematic. At the beginning of the COVID-19 situation, our daughter went to California for a certification in hospice massage that included clinicals, and they were only able to do one before the facility cut them off.

That's exactly what happens with mine.  We were able to squeeze in one before spring break and it was shut down the week after spring break when they closed schools.  I'm still keeping contact with my teacher.  I paid out of pocket for that class so they better believe I'm getting my training and my certificate.  I don't care how long it takes.

[Frankee]

From your writing, I notice a big difference in you, Frankee. You seem much calmer and you have a good overview of your situation and how you are planning your future. It makes total sense that you’ve needed support after your back injury. At some point in the future you will be healed and you will also have a much better paying job so that you will be more capable of supporting yourself and the boys.

I’m glad that things seem to be less stressful and you have strategies to keep them that way.

Thank you Cat.  I have found a new solid base in myself, that no matter what comes my way, I always find my center again.  To keep me grounded.  It also came with a huge price tag.

Today I went back to work.  Only working two days a week right now at a job I had last year.  It did not go over well.  He wants me to stay at home.  He says it's because he doesn't want to put the kids in danger like I am willing to.  He wants me to be where he knows I am and not "kidnapping" the kids.  He said it was okay and now he's saying it gives me resources to leave him.
 
I knew this was coming.  But we talked before making any decisions and he was on board, now he of course changes his mind which is a pattern for him.

This next statement is 100% my opinion and I make it from my years of personal experience.  People with mental issues such as bpd.. they will never truly change.  It will take hardcore therapy (maybe institutional commitment), medication, some serious reprogramming of the mind, and an undying desire to change.   He may have improved on a lot, but since I look at him with such clarity now, I see all his mind games, his twists, his attempts to do xyz to get his way, I'm able to predict how our arguments will go, his insecurities and how he blames me for basically all of them.  I see him for who he is and he is not a person that I can ever truly be with.  He is mean, cruel, crazy, manipulative, full of such resentment, he gaslights, blame shifts.  He's a horrible person.

I am still calm.  I have kept calm through any storms and I have survived far worse than him talking bad.  I am still going for that better job and my school is still my purpose.  What I have to offer now is real insight of my situation.  I am of course human and not perfect, but I have a solid plan and purpose now and know what I need to do to get there. 

[Frankee]

I reread my last post and contemplated on what I put.  I may had been extreme on saying "people".  It wasn't fair to categorize everyone.  I know people do change.  It's part of life.  Some change for the better, some change for the worse.  Some days I wonder which way I am changing. 

Our relationship isn't healthy.  No aspect of it will ever be the kind of relationship I need to be a better person.  I look at where I am right now and I don't like it.  I have real goals that I am working towards, but the journey to reach them has proven extremely hard.  I just know I have to keep going because I can't stay with him.  I have to leave him with solid ground under my feet so I never have to come back.

[Cat Familiar]

Some days I wonder which way I am changing. 

As an outside observer, I'll give you my opinion.

I see a calmer, more centered woman who is very aware of her circumstances and how her husband's mental illness affects her life.

I see someone who is proceeding to develop the skills and knowledge that will give her a pathway to independence and a better life for herself and her children.

I see a woman who has put aside wishful thinking that her husband will get better and be the standup guy she hoped he would be.

I see someone who has been through a lot, has come to terms with her anger and frustration, and is persevering to make her world better.

[Frankee]

Cat.. I can't thank you enough for the encouraging words.  I was having a real rough couple days and needed to vent.

I still get angry and lash out.  It hurts to admit, but most of the time it's my boys that get the brunt.  I always apologize for my behavior, but it makes me feel awful when I behave in such a way.  I know it's not them, I know it's the resentment and anger I feels towards him, being misdirected.  I see myself behaving in unfavorable ways to the ones I love and who have done no wrong, and it scares the he// out of me that I am acting like him.

He recently got mad and snapped "don't you have any self-awarness, can't you read a room?  Why can't you be the way you use to be? you use to calm me down, it's your fault you let it get so far". 

I'm sure almost everyone here on the receiving end of the emotional beating stick has heard that.  The words ring in my head because... It's not my responsibility.  I repeat.. it is not my responsibility and I am not to blame.  I accept that he has real medical mental issues, but it is no longer my responsibility to calm him down and I am not to blame for his actions or what he says.

[Cat Familiar]

Absolutely right that you are not his caretaker and it is not your responsibility to calm him down.

As you’re well aware of, you’re responsible for your own actions, and as a mother, you have a level of responsibility for your sons.

He’s an adult and he bears the consequences of his behavior, though it may impact you.

It’s difficult to detach when you’ve been immersed in a relationship where the boundaries are blurry. But in doing so, you will have greater peace of mind and won’t be as emotionally impacted by his behavior.

The trick is to see him as a completely independent individual, not reflective upon your own identity, and therefore you won’t feel as triggered by things that he does. It’s definitely easier said than done.

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, the real breakthrough in having a BPD H is coming to terms with the reality that he will not change and is a very sick man.  I am almost 60 and married for over 20 years.  His entire family is disordered from codependency to some range of NPD and BPD. 

Take quiet pleasure in your own growth.  My uBPD H does not like to see me happy or engaging in hobbies that give me pleasure.  It's like he owns my a$$ and is my boss.  He always seems to be calculating how I can be best of use to him:  cleaning the house, giving him money from my business, etc.  His real pleasure of talking to his children and grandchildren.  His face beams with pleasure and ecstacy, then when he gets off the phone, turning to me and demanding, "So...is this only the laundry you have done?  What else have you done today?"  To be honest, some days I find it hard to even climb out of bed due to my depression.

We well and be strong.   

[Frankee]

I'm sorry to hear what you are having to go through Asking why.  I remember days where I would just stay in bed and ask myself, what's the point.  Every day is the same, I see no light.  I still struggle some days.  I don't know if it's even him that's causing the feeling or if it's my own mind.

I've tried to find ways to improve my sense of mind.  I downloaded an app called the happy child.  It's great for parents and anyone really.  There was a lesson where it talked about assigning your feelings, but not just using mad or sad, but more descriptive.  It said for example.. think of a time you were angry.  How do you feel.  It had three places to select from different emotions and explain why you felt that emotion.  It really got me into a sense of breaking down my feelings.  I try to say when I'm angry, what is the true source?  It's not my child asking for the same thing over and over.. he's 4, that's what 4 year olds do.  I feel it's built up frustration from my bph asking for the same thing over and over and throwing a fit when he doesn't get it.. just like a 4 year old, except in a grown man.  As much as I really did know this before, I didn't really take the time to understand it and disconnect the two.

Maybe that was a bit of a rant, but it's thing like this where I am starting to see things for the reality of what they are and actually disconnecting the emotional turmoil and effect it has on me when it happens.  Yes, I know my behavior isn't perfect, but I'm learning.  I also don't want others to read this and think that means that the relationship is fixing itself.  I'm learning how to deal with his behavior purely out the need to keep my peace of mind until I can go out on my own.

[I Am Redeemed]

That app sounds really awesome. Good for you for taking time for self care and finding the root of your feelings.

I relate to what you said so much. Even two and a half years out of my relationship, I can recognize that my four year old sons behaviors trigger me sometimes because they are so similar to my ex's. They might be age appropriate for a four year old, but my brain responds with an emotional flashback due to the many years of dealing with ubpdh. I can recognize that it isn't the present that my feelings are responding to, it's the past.

[GaGrl]

My son triggered me because of behaviors that were dysfunctional in his dad. (Plus, he looked just like him!) I like the app. Just gaining that awareness is huge.

[Frankee]

My son triggered me because of behaviors that were dysfunctional in his dad. (Plus, he looked just like him!) I like the app. Just gaining that awareness is huge.

My 4 year old is a spitting image of his dad.  A serious mini me.   Lately I have been trying to take a step back and tell myself, he's 4.  Don't react to him like your bph. 

My bph had an episode this morning dropping the kids off at daycare and dropping me off at work.  Real bad.  I was even shaking when I came into work, that's how bad he scared me.  I told my girlfriend and she was in complete shock.  I see that whatever fragile control he had is starting to slip.  He acted like he use to and being in a moving vehicle just added to it.  I feel like it's dejavu from almost exactly a year ago.  He said it was words and fighting, but when I tell someone what happened and their jaw hits the floor and they ask me.. who in the he// does that psycho think he is?  You can't deny how huge of a red flag that is.

I haven't heard from him since he dropped me off and I basically bolted out of the truck.  I have a feeling he will pick me up, but that this isn't over.  The messed up thing is.. he threatened to go back to how he was before and that isn't going to happen.  There is no way I will stand for it and what I fear now is I might completely snap if he tries to intimidate me.  There isn't anymore cowering and no more fear of what he'll do.  The only upper hand he has is he can keep it up for hours and he eventually wears me down.  I get tired and I start giving up while he's ramped up on whatever messed up chemical imbalance he has.

So back to the drawing board.  The problems with having a long term plan to leave someone with an unstable mental condition is that they are always changing their behavior and making it unstable.

[Cat Familiar]

You saw some frightening behavior yesterday morning from him that was reminiscent of how he was behaving previously and you're feeling apprehensive that he's not able to keep himself under control. Should this pattern continue, you worry that you might snap and things could spiral out of control.

You've got more experience and awareness than you had a year ago. What do you foresee that could happen? Are you more concerned with what he might do or how you could react to his behavior?

[Frankee]

It was a weird thing that happened.  I didn't text or call or anything after I ran into work yesterday.  He texted me and my first reaction was to soothe him.  Tell him, it was okay, I love him, all the things I knew that would make him feel better.  Then I was thought.. no.  I'm done pretending that everything it okay.

He made some lame half a$$ed apology, saying he doesn't understand why he behaves that way in the morning, etc.  All the same stuff I have heard before.  I told him.  You really scared me.  He said fine.  I asked him.. I tell you that you really scared me and that's your response and you don't see a problem with that? 

The conversation progressed and I found myself ignoring that little voice saying.. make him feel better, tell him it's okay, etc.
 
The best thing I feel like I said the entire conversation was..I'm also not going to keep pretending like that kind of stuff doesn't bother me.  I didn't do anything this morning and I am not okay with being talked or treated the way you did.

Nothing bad happened later in the day.  He picked me up and the car ride to pick up the boys.  He did make some comments here and there after on the way home about the oldest going up to stay with my parents for a couple months.  A little over a year ago is when our oldest went to stay with my parents and I disappeared.  So he's having anxiety about it.

My conclusion today is, I was really shook up yesterday.  I managed to hold myself together though.  I even felt better after what I said in our conversation.  It was hard telling him how I felt, how he made me feel, and that I wasn't okay with it.  I still do worry that I will have to deal with that kind of behavior, but what he will actually do to me is becoming less worry some.  Keeping my path on solid ground is what is holding me together.

[Cat Familiar]

You were honest with your response of how it felt when he behaved the way he did. You held your boundary that you deserve to be treated with respect.

You're right that you'll likely get another opportunity to tell him that you want respectful behavior and attitude. But next time, it will even be easier. You did good!  

[Frankee]

Well.. that didn't last long.  Back to where I was a year ago. It was crazy bad this morning.  He claims he was trying his hardest thing morning to express his frustrations and because I said a little sarcastic remark, he couldn't handle it apparently and went off.  I lost my composure when he screamed at me.. I really want to lay you out right now.  We ended up getting into a physical altercation.  I ended up busting him right above his left eye and hurting his jaw.  He hurt my wrists and my forearms from holding me so hard and my shoulder.  This as we will say is the beginning of the end again.

This is exactly what I am talking about being in a relationship with a severely mental ill person.  There is no stability, there is no consistent plans.. there is just chaos.  Constant chaos.  The disillusion of any kind of calm time is a big fat lie.  He is crazy and he is making me so crazy that I am now starting to hurt him.  This is very definition of what a toxic relationship is. 

I reacted purely out of defense because once again he grabbed me and threw me down.  I snapped and I started really fighting him.  I have a window of opportunity I am going to grab.  I will provide more updates to my yet again, crazy a$$ life.

[Cat Familiar]

So you both lost control. What words, behaviors, voice tones, facial expressions let you know that he was losing his composure?

What did you notice in your own response that you were moving toward physically protecting yourself?

If you replay this scenario in your imagination, what could you do differently to defuse the situation before it became physical?

[Frankee]

There may have been a few things I could be done differently, I just didn't have it in me do those things.  When he said, I want to lay you out, I really want to hit you right now, that was my snap.  I told him to stop threatening me and I was so sick of it and when he grabbed me and threw me down, I automatically starting fighting him.  I told him over and over not to grab me or get physical when he gets angry and he still doesn't listen.  He sent me a picture of his eye.  I did leave a black swollen mark above his left eye.

I'm leaving today.  I have a little plan, but biggest thing is to leave.  It has become clear to me that I no longer hold the ability to keep my composure.  I know he was holding back yesterday, because I would of been hurt a lot worse, but I wasn't. 

I can see without a doubt that this relationship is extremely toxic, now a two way volatile, situation, very unstable and he already put me in the hospital once.  He may end up hurting me that bad again or I may go completely crazy and hurting him even worse. 

A person can only take so much and this is the final push.  Not only did he do that, but he said just unbelievably cruel things afterwards.. I can't take it anymore.  I have never met anyone in my entire life that has tried to be so incredibly cruel.. there is no way to salvage this.  I'm done defusing and dealing with a complete psycho because there is no reasoning with a complete mental case.

[Cat Familiar]

No one deserves being the target of physical abuse and you have gotten to the place where you’ve endured more than you’d ever imagine and don’t ever want to be vulnerable again.

Are you currently safe? Let us know of your plans.

[Frankee]

I am staying in a cheap motel.  I have it until Friday morning.  My parents helped me move my stuff out of our place and into a storage facility.  My parents took both boys with them back home.  I spent today getting some affairs in order.  There isn't an opening at the shelter here or the next closet one. 

Tomorrow I am going to do some online research to see what my options are.  I am not sure how long I have before my youngest one becomes too much for my parents to handle and I have to go pick him up.

He has been texting and calling and leaving voicemails.  Not threatening or freaking out.  Just begging me to talk and to come home and blah blah.  All the same nonsense I've heard every single time.  Always happens.  It's like as soon as I leave, he all of a sudden snaps out of it, realizes how bad he's been doing, etc.  And I just don't believe any of it anymore. 

I was on borrowed time from the day I went back.  I really wanted to wait till I had more solid ground under me this time.  I have at least some money to keep me off the streets for awhile and hopefully I'll figure out the housing situation tomorrow.

[Cat Familiar]

The boys are OK with your parents for a while and you are currently safe, searching for housing for your next step.

What’s your plan for dealing with your husband’s calls and texts? And how do you envision sharing custody of your youngest?

[formflier]

Remind me again.  Is there any kind of financial agreement in place that requires him to help you pay for the child.

If not, since money is an issue...might be something to consider very soon.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

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