Figuring it out quick

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

One thing I've learned over the years is that sometimes there are times when my pwBPD can have "normal" conversations and other times they can't (for whatever reason)

As part of my broad plan to "enjoy my marriage when I can and do something else when I can't" it's been imperative to figure things out quickly so as not to be pour fuel on a fire and to maximize the time I have to do self care and enjoy myself when my pwBPD is doing whatever dysfunctional stuff she is doing.  (yes...I make a deliberate choice to be as ignorant (by not being around it) of that stuff as I can)

So...this morning my wife approached me and said "Hey..what's going on?"  (I had asked for space the night before  (last night) to think some issues through with my Dad's estate and my Mom.

I felt in a better place so I started talking.  Within about 45 seconds my wife starting give me advice about a seemingly unrelated matter.  I asked her how that related to my concern (which I hadn't even spoken of yet) and she was unable to answer.  

So I left the room and have continued trying to think through the issue on my own.  My wife has text bombed me a couple times about "anger"...and I've refused to "pick up the argument".

Total time of unpleasantness this morning was less than 2 minutes.

I assume there is a bunch of text nonsense on my phone (I heard lots of frantic "dings" for a while), yet I decided to have breakfast and a conversation with my oldest daughter (who is temporarily living with us due to health concerns).

No...this isn't the life I "want" but I can say I'm content with it and I'm able to find "happiness" in every day...even if it doesn't involve my pwBPD.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

One thing I've learned over the years is that sometimes there are times when my pwBPD can have "normal" conversations and other times they can't (for whatever reason)

As part of my broad plan to "enjoy my marriage when I can and do something else when I can't" it's been imperative to figure things out quickly so as not to be pour fuel on a fire and to maximize the time I have to do self care and enjoy myself when my pwBPD is doing whatever dysfunctional stuff she is doing.  (yes...I make a deliberate choice to be as ignorant (by not being around it) of that stuff as I can)

So...this morning my wife approached me and said "Hey..what's going on?"  (I had asked for space the night before  (last night) to think some issues through with my Dad's estate and my Mom.

I felt in a better place so I started talking.  Within about 45 seconds my wife starting give me advice about a seemingly unrelated matter.  I asked her how that related to my concern (which I hadn't even spoken of yet) and she was unable to answer.  

So I left the room and have continued trying to think through the issue on my own.  My wife has text bombed me a couple times about "anger"...and I've refused to "pick up the argument".

Total time of unpleasantness this morning was less than 2 minutes.

I assume there is a bunch of text nonsense on my phone (I heard lots of frantic "dings" for a while), yet I decided to have breakfast and a conversation with my oldest daughter (who is temporarily living with us due to health concerns).

No...this isn't the life I "want" but I can say I'm content with it and I'm able to find "happiness" in every day...even if it doesn't involve my pwBPD.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

“Taking the temperature of the room” is a phrase I think I picked up from you, FF, and is a vital skill in successfully navigating a relationship with a partner who has a personality disorder.

I’m happy to say that I’ve had months of smooth sailing in my relationship, something that I never would have imagined as a possibility a few years ago. The only blips have been minor and were due to me, enhancing a disturbance when my ego got triggered, either by getting offended or seeking to correct the narrative. And even then, I was able to catch myself and disengage immediately.

Many of us nons are at a bit of a loss in our relationships with pwBPD, particularly those of us who are thinkers rather than feelers. PwBPD are so highly attuned to sensing others’ feelings (though they may be wrong at times) that often we nons are late to the party, and not dressed appropriately.

What I mean by that is that often the pwBPD is in the midst of a full fledged emotional issue and we thinkers are happily oblivious that there’s anything going on, absorbed in our own thoughts. Then BOOM!  Out of seemingly nowhere comes the unrolling of an emotional dysregulation.

I’m getting better at noticing the signs and symptoms and being able to redirect my behavior and verbal response. And often, rather than observing a full volcanic eruption, it’s just a fleeting puff of smoke.

[formflier]

  something that I never would have imagined as a possibility a few years ago. 

You and me both. 

The purpose of me sharing this is twofold.

1.  It really can get better

2.  It will never really be "fixed", yet you can live a fulfilling life and even have periods of time of a very satisfying marital relationship.

Lately (last several weeks) have been very interesting for me.  The "old times" came back and were absolutely horrible.  That said, I've seen it..been there before and made a choice not to participate and not to "give it any fuel".

I practiced self care, talked to my psychologist extra and moved forward. 

The bad periods lasted only a few hours.

More later.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Taking the temperature is something I’m learning about and working in too.

I’m also practicing more disengaging in certain situations. When H seems quiet and moody, instead of worrying, hovering or asking what’s wrong I go about my day, giving him space to work through whatever’s bothering him. Nicer not to use up my thoughts and emotions there. I don’t have it fully mastered but improving.

[formflier]

Hey Ozzie101

The question what's wrong is one I banned from my toolbox years ago.  I was shocked when I heard it com out of my mouth a few weeks back...in a moment where I really wasn't thinking.

Anyway...think about it.  There is a presumption in the question and also a "suggestion".  (that something is "wrong")

Here is what I use

"Hey...what's going on?"

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"Oh my...you seem deep in thought?"

"I'm heading for a walk if you want to walk and talk."

"Oh...this seem's important.  How can I help?"

You get the flavor.

Hope this helps.

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

Hi FF,

How are things going now?  Did you ever have that discussion about what was on your mind?  I suspect (but as you know I’m still working on the puzzle) that your dad’s estate/your mom issue(s) is only be seen through her eyes. So she’s thinking how your decisions impact her, not how hard it is for you or what decisions you are weighing and how they emotionally, ethically, financially impact YOU.

I know as you all have taught me on here, that my H isn’t capable (at least right now) to even handle giving an opinion. So, I’ve stopped mostly asking. BabyDucks suggested binary options...that has worked marvelously for my H. I give option 1 or option 2. I can live with either. He feels like he’s deciding but I’ve limited to things I can live with. Truthfully most of these have revolved on what’s for dinner.  Which is apparently a tricky decision for him these days. Honest to goodness, if I give 3 options, he gets frustrated.

My point is, maybe you can run the decisions down until you have the two best options and then have the discussion. Whether she will stay on task, idk. But, worth a shot.

If I have a bigger (more important) decision I make it VERY clear that I’m NOT making a FINAL decision just yet, just weighing options.  I do this in case I ultimately do other than his suggestion.

This works for me if we stay on topic.  H has a way to veer off, but I clearly state we’re going here right now.

And, I love all of the examples of how you gauge what’s happening without suggesting something’s wrong. I am guilty of using words I find completely innocent but are inflammatory to H, so I totally get what you’re saying. Whether I can remember to do it remains to be seen.But you know I love a good example!

Let us know how it’s going...

[formflier]

My wife has heard that her idea about my concern with my Dad's estate is a fantasy.

She has been unable to articulate how her voluminous advice relates to my actual concern.

She has randomly picked a couple of busy times to try and pull out details, and I've declined.

I've come up with an action plan for the estate issue.  It will drag out due to the virus restrictions...but I think I'm moving in the right direction.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Dealing with complicated or stressful issues can be tricky at the best of times. Factor in a disordered person — ugh.

That’s great that you have the tools and insight to handle these things as much as you can. But I’m sorry you’re in a position to have to use them.

[formflier]

Yeah...and my Mom is 81.  Has some raw emotions about some of this stuff and being in a "high risk group" for the virus...so some of her behavior/way of relating has been stuff I'm well prepared for...but it's still worrisome to see it.

My Mom "hears what her emotions tell her" so what she "heard" from the news is that she "shouldn't go out that much" or "go out less" and "be careful".

I was thankful for our governor who made it clear in his speech on Friday that if you are over 65 you should stay home "if at all possible".

She flipped out to have me compare her actions to "at all possible".  Then tried to invoke my Dad's name that he would be disappointed in me...etc etc.

You guys know me..military..law and order..all that.  I didn't "fall to far from the tree".

I stayed calm...looked at her directly and said "Mom...did you and Dad raise me to respect and obey our authorities?"  To which she was flustered and said yes.

More directness:  "So you know Dad would expect us both to follow them now."  Lots of silence...

Basically she had been slipping our for "quick trips" (oh it was for just a minute), somehow caused fraud alerts on a credit card...made a royal mess of trying to fix that by trying to call herself and figured out the credit card didn't work "because it was faded and old..."

Ugggg...

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

FF, I'm in a Safer At Home status with my husband and 93 year old mother, so I get it!

I think I reached my limit over the past few days. My husband has often complimented me on the level of patience I show with my mom, knowing that I'm not really patient at all. He looks like he's calm and patient (did best in the Army in his executive officer assignments), but he is really not patient either.

So my mom gets something in her mind and won't let go of it. She doesn't know that my dad, in his later years, actually used the word "nag." Unfortunately, since she's almost blind and can't do much for herself, it lands on us -- whether important or incredibly minor -- and we hear about it over, and over, and over...and over again...until it's done.

This week, I had to plan a loving conversation (when I truly wanted to strangle her) to get her to understand that we feel she has a checklist of items in her head that we are willing to do when it makes sense, but that her constant reminders and questions result in our feeling pressured and not feeling good about taking care of things for her, i.e. I don't need to go into her checkbook and update every purchase or transaction within 5 minutes; I'm glad to do all saved receipts or online transactions once at the end of the day.

Part of it is her aging process and what I think is the beginning of some short term memory loss. Part of it is a few BPD traits she has always had. Whichever, it is real, and I have to deal with it, along with doctor appointments, med preparation, sound care, etc. Her regular caregiver can't come back soon enough!

Are you seeing age-related behavior, or is your mom doing things that are pretty true to her personality and habits?

[formflier]

At the moment I'm going to say it's about 50/50.

My Mom has never done well with stress.  She will talk a lot and very loudly, which really...really hinders any kind of problem solving in stressful situations. 

That part has kinda always been there.

I remember as a child riding next to her in the car as we rounded a curve (mountains).

A VW bug was smoking and on fire (just started)...

Simultaneously my Mom floors it...no throttle left...stomped it and kept it there at the same time she exclaimed there could be an explosion...and then hollered for about 10 seconds (we were well past the VW) so loud that my ears hurt.

Wow...that made an impression.

Same lady that is full of poise and can give hours long concerts in piano to hundreds/thousands of people.

Anyway...stress equals loud has always been there.

The "selective hearing" is last few years. 

Plus..last few years. 

"Ok Mom I'll come over at 9am tomorrow and we'll call about (fill in the blank). 

Ok FF

Next morning I get there at 9am and she is in a lather..has called twice...gotten people all twisted up on other side and things are confused.

Her:  "Well..I was worried we wouldn't have enough time and you do so much for me I figured I would handle it."

Reality:  A 10 minute phone call issue turned into hours of figuring out what has happened and what to undo.

Sigh...

Gotta love'em

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

My dad has a lot of stress and frustration trying to help/deal with his widowed grandmother, who turns 90 this simmer. He’s the only living child nearby. She let my grandfather handle everything financial-related so is utterly lost.

She’s a smart lady. She just spent her lifetime playing the helpless female society taught her younger self was appropriate.

Throw in memory loss. And she’s never been a good driver.

They also had to stop her from going out. She was still going to the grocery store every day. *sigh*

But she’s also one of the kindest, most thoughtful, generous people you could meet. True Southern lady. But I know my dad struggles.

My mom has told us her goal in life is to be the kind of elderly lady that my sisters and I will call each other and say “Oh good grief, what did Mom do now?”

[GaGrl]

Yep, gotta love 'em!

One thing for which I'm grateful is that my parents were equal financial partners, even with Dad bringing in most of the income. They both knew exactly where things stood financially and they carefully prepared wills, POA, healthcare directives, etc. so that I would have an easy time of it. Mom still knows exactly where her affairs stand. She is so sharp cognitively!

It must be very, very difficult to have a sense of loss of control over the simplest of life matters. Church is not meeting now, but getting ready for church on Sunday mornings is a trip, because I have to sort through drawers of jewelry to get just exactly THAT necklace and earrings that go with THAT dress. Sometimes I just have to laugh.