BPD mom convinces child going outside=certain death

[trappeddad]

My ex has brainwashed my 10 yo boy into staying inside full time, or we will almost certainly die of Covid-19.    I walked outside briefly today and he was having a crying fit saying I was committing suicide.    I cannot convince through news stories/stats if we use social distancing and wear masks we will be fine, and kids his age don't die from this.     He has been quarantined for 2 months now (no outside time except a dr trip, and a few parent exchanges) and this could go on a year if virtual schooling continues in the fall.    I will have my son for the next 2 months and I cannot live inside only.    This is not my only issue, so I am trying to get my L to get a GAL involved, and he does not want me to spend that $ (which is limited).    My ex refuses therapy for him.     Thoughts on how to resolve?    I think Covid-19 is a narcissist's best friend.   

[ForeverDad]

If school is still in session remotely, can he get online with the school counselor and/or the school nurse?  In my area school has not gone to summer recess yet.

I believe too there are articles highlighting the need to keep Vitamin D3 levels up and sunshine in the wide outdoors is the natural way.  Also, there are worries now that being shut in stifles the open fresh air we need.  The open air is not contaminated.

However, this highlights the power of emotions' power over logic.

[trappeddad]

Thanks for input regarding getting sunshine.      The school nurse and counselor will not want to deal with the wrath my bpd ex will shows if they contradict her.     

In the Divorce Poison book, I am trying to follow the advice of letting my son figure it all out for himself.       According to the CDC, only 4 kids in the 5-14 agegroup have died from Covid-19, and my son thinks it will go much, much higher.     The facts should bear out the truth in a few months.   

[livednlearned]

I wonder if you can get something in writing about the need for telemedicine/therapy to help him cope with the stress he feels about covid-19.

Do you live somewhere with high density?

[soundofmusicgirl]

Hi trappedDad. We had the same problem. This anxiety that your BPD is feeling about "the outside" can be very typical of some BPDs.
The first time I met my stepsons they were 6 years old and were convinced they were going to get killed by a car or bear when going outside (they live on the west coast). We could only take them outside in 15 min increments. As they grew older they were scared to play outside in a fenced in yard without an adult present (they were 10 yrs old by then). They feared they could get abducted by strangers. Same with going on an airplane (direct quote from them: mom told us that strangers will take us away). When we wanted to take them "swimming" by the age of 6 BPD mom "forbade" it because she "wanted their first experience of water to be with a professional".  Needless to say that when she finally had them take swimming lessons their anxiety was really high and they never really learned how to swim. They only learned to ride a bike with 11 years during one of their visits with us. When we visited them in their home town a couple of months later and wanted to have a bike ride, BPD mom had locked up their bikes. Needless to say that i am 100% sure that they never rode their bikes after we taught them. BPD mom even said in court papers that "her own four walls are the only safe place".
We realised that this kind of brainwashing in the kids takes a while to undo when they were with us. We tried to just not discuss/argue that point but slowly let them discover on their own that the outside is not so dangerous. We would indulge them in the beginning and just do with them what they wanted (be with them while they played in a fenced in yard). It took them usually about 2 weeks to slowly come out of their shell and explore a little on their own.. little baby steps.
I think the biggest thing is to not make a big thing about it. Let him see how you deal with COVID. Let him see the "fun" you have going shopping or doing ordinary things outside (getting his favourite food etc). Eventually hopefully he will just learn he can trust you and follow your example.

[kells76]

Hey trappeddad, you're not alone... we just went through something similar 

here's our saga: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343916.0

I cannot convince through news stories/stats if we use social distancing and wear masks we will be fine, and kids his age don't die from this.

Yes. There is no "arguing" or "convincing" or "explaining" -- and I suspect part of why is because of what it would mean for your son to believe you. That would mean that his mom is wrong, and not just slightly mistaken, but very wrong about something very important. Even if intellectually/rationally he could "get" that you guys are fine, emotionally he may still "have to" be on Mom's side. So, he could be very emotionally torn if he let in information that contradicted Mom.

I will have my son for the next 2 months and I cannot live inside only.

Right, so true. OK... remind me, is this a normal time split for you guys? Or is the 2 months in a row an unusual thing? If it's the usual, how long does it usually take your son to relax and get in a groove with you?

I'm asking because I wonder if you can do what soundofmusicgirl recommended, and not make a big thing about it, and kind of "ease into" going outside/doing normal stuff. Like, take a few days to chill inside with him, watch movies, do school, etc, and then once he's more settled and relaxed, and emotionally stable, move to bigger stuff. Just a thought.

This is not my only issue, so I am trying to get my L to get a GAL involved, and he does not want me to spend that $ (which is limited).

Yeah. We had a very expensive weekend with the kids (if you know what I mean) after going through virus fears with their mom. Are the other issues related in any way? Maybe not content, but structure (overbearing mom, overprotective, micromanage-y, controlling, my way or the highway, etc)?

My ex refuses therapy for him. 

Ugh, she sounds more and more like DH's ex. Do you guys have joint legal?

I'm happy to keep talking through this with you! We've been through similar stuff.

[trappeddad]

Kells,
I read through your posts and am fortunate I have found you.     I am sorry for your situation.    How are the kids coping now?    Have their fears subsided?     I liked your emails referencing CDC guidelines and I have tried similar messages to her.  The "oh wow" email you sent will not fly as my ex says the CDC is wrong (btw my ex works at the cdc and says those guidelines were influenced by Trump and therefore wrong).  My son repeats this.    I may re-send something on that thread - "mom is not adequately protecting SD from information she isn't equipped to handle."     In other words, mom is exacerbating the child's anxieties by ignoring CDC guidelines.     Ha, look forward to sending this.     

Yes, the bio-mom is overprotective/overbearing, but she also has health issues and therefore has some reason to be fearful of covid-19.    As a result, I will have him most of the summer as she cannot handle the back/forth and possibility of him spreading germs.    At this point we are on about a  2 month on/off parenting plan, but I'm pursuing sole custody.     I would lessen the 2 month time, but that would hurt my chances for sole custody.     And sole custody means my best interests come 2nd to my sons.      We have joint legal but she makes tie breaking decisions, so joint legal means is a nice way of saying I have no say in his up-bringing.     

My son gets in a groove with me easily, but these are different times(as going outside was a normal part of the groove, but not now).   

The "Divorce Poison" book has pointers for similar situations...such as kids need to learn to make up their own mind.     Dads and moms do not always know best, and they need to make their own decisions.     However, covid-19 has brought this into life or death anxiety, and his emotions are extreme.