A farewell and note to myself

[daze507]

Hi everyone, I think I have reached a point where I can manage rather well to focus on my purpose again and not to obsess to much about what happened in my past.
I wanted to thank everyone here for the help, I really appreciated it. Before I leave I want to leave a note I wrote to myself during my recovery (so to speak) and it helped me to calm myself during my the panic attacks. It's personal in the sense that it's based on my own experience but I think that anyone could replace these specific sections with their own. Apologies for the mistakes as English is not my first language.

   • Her love was not the same as yours.
   
   -Remember when she was grasping you while staring at you like you were a deity and repeated "where were you all this time?" continuously.
   You thought it was a bit over the top especially since she barely knew you but you dismissed the thought.
   >It was not over the top to her, she was idolising the immense relief you were providing her, not you as a person.
   -Remember when you were listening every evening to the account of her work day and she was amazed by you doing it, said it was not "normal" even if it seemed perfectly normal to you and you were even genuinely interested. You were surprised by that but you dismissed the thought.
   >She was projecting: She never gave a damn about your own work day herself, in fact, she never asked about it once. The fact that unlike her, you would care about it could not be a genuine act for her and probably became a clever deception in her mind later on.
   -Remember when she was amazed by the fact you sheltered her from the cold with your coat, she also said it was not "normal" despite it seemed perfectly normal to you to protect your shivering romantic partner, you were surprised by that but dismissed the thought.
   >Again, projection, she would never have done that for you, at least not in a desinterested way. This has probably been interpreted as a manipulation attempt later on as well.
   
   • She never cared about you, she only cared about her feelings.
   
   -Remember when you were waiting for her at the bus stop and she missed it because she was busy talking with a girl she had just met there, that she looked pissed when she saw you but became so happy as soon as she started talking about this new friend. Remember the so unpleasant and vivid feeling to have been relegated to the second place and how she talked about this girl reminded you the way she used to talk about you.
   >As always, you dismissed the thought but what you thought was just plain reality: you were not her preferred person anymore at that moment.
   -Remember everytime she offered you something or made you a favour, you always had this feeling she wanted something in return. Remember that time she got disproportionately angry when you did not thank her enough after she cooked you something.
   Remember when she blamed you for the fact that your gifts were only offered for you and not for her. Remember she asked all her gifts back after the final discard.
   >She never offered you something to make you happy or for the simple pleasure of offering, it's always been a transaction in her eyes.
   
   • It's not your fault, you could not have changed the outcome.
   
   -Remember when, in the middle of a conversation, she told you "she was a bastard" for no specific reason.
   >Clear sign she was feeling the devaluation phase coming and told me this way.
   -Remember when, while she was following you to smoke a cigarette outside, you heard her talking to herself and she said "this guy is cunning" and you felt it was definitely not said in a good way.
   >Clear sign of mistrust and that she had already started making her own movie about you in her mind.
   -Remember how fast she changed her opinion about her new job, one day she was super excited about it and could not wait to get back, the day after it was the worst experience that ever happened to her.
   >Clear sign of emotional instability.
   -Remember when she told you the women at her new job were looking at her funny and when you asked her why she thought they were she told answered "because I am beautiful".
   >Clear sign of Paranoia and narcissism.
   -Sex in the beginning.
   >Remember you told her these exact words: "What did they do to you?", there was a reason for it.
   -Remember she told you her mother was crazy.
   >That is never a good sign, at all.
   -Remember when she told you that she knew you were judging the mess in her room the first time you went to her place.
   >Another clear sign of paranoia.
   -Remember when someday she asked you for "proofs of your love" without reason and was almost crying about it. Remember how she suddenly became relieved and happy as soon as you showed her a picture of her in your instagram feed with the quote "how could I not love her?".
   >Would a 36 years old woman in her right mind act this way?
   -Remember when you woke up in the middle of the night and you heard her in the bathroom making some Exorcist-like incantations about (most probably) you. That she then proceeded to sleep on the floor in the middle of the living room to come back to bed all snuggly a few hours later. That she denied any of this had happened the following morning.
   >Clear sign of her being totally nuts.
   
   All of this happened BEFORE you cracked a bad joke about her cellulite, forgot her birthday or talked about the fashion models you work with. In fact, all of this happened while she was still idealising you.
   You did not make it happen with your stupid mistakes, everything was already brewing.
   
   • There was no going back once the devaluation started. Accept the fact that you have been totally erased as soon as you were discarded, maybe even before.
   
   -Remember when she was yelling so much you asked her to lower her voice and to that she said "if you think I am screaming now you should see me when I am doing it with my mother".
   >That just gave you the confirmation that she was not with you anymore, she was replicating a trauma from her childhood hense the incoherent words and blames and character traits that had nothing to do with you.
   -Remember how she looked at you.
   >Even when she was not raging or even saying anything, you could see it in her eyes, she was dispising you very much. There was not an once of the admiration or love you used to see, it had all been replaced by disgust.
   You knew it was over but you couldn't accept it.
   -Remember the last two things she told you so coldly during your final discard, that you were a racist because you made a joke about her origins and that you were cheap because you made a joke when she took a yahourt from your fridge.
   >Could an healthy adult end a relationship you for such irrelevant (and not even true) things? You know you felt like you were back to middle school and if you were not that sad you would have laughed out loud because how ridiculous that sounded.
   Did that person still have anything in common with the person you met before? You know the answer.
   
   • There was nothing positive in carrying on this pseudo relationship.
   
   -Remember that you started to take antidepressants again, that you felt sad and anxious all the time, that you couldn't focus on yourself anymore, that your self-esteem and self-respect were crushed, that you lost all your happiness and positivity.
   Remember also how she tested you, abused you, to such an extent that you did not dare say anything anymore and that the few words you still said always ended with "sorry".
   Where had the man you used to be gone?
   Is it that situation you are still mourning today?
   Do you want more of that just for the desperate hope of being idealised again by a person who was hiding who she really was in the first place? Seriously?
   Yes, she was beautiful, she was intelligent, cultured, you could talk about anything with her, she loved history, she loved traveling, she loved animals, she loved videogames, she was an exceptional cook and even a very talented singer. You know she didn't make much of that up because she cooked for you, you saw videos of her performing and you saw that her knowledge of history matched yours.
   Fair enough, for all that she was a real gem, the woman you have always dreamt about but was all that worth the price to pay for her mental disorder?
   Remember that for all the shiny her, there is a corresponding part that is as ugly and toxic. You don't want that in your life anymore. Be happy and hopeful again because you deserve it. Last but not least, do never let anyone define you again, you know who you are.

[JNChell]

That’s a very mindful letter to yourself. Well done. It’s also nice to see that you’re feeling better. However, I think the community would like it if you stayed with us for a while. Being a peer based support system, everybody’s story has the potential to help others here. It’s that kind of synergy that has helped so many of us.

If you do choose to go, always take good care of yourself and thank you for sharing and helping others in your time here. The door here is always open.

[In a bad way]

Thanks daze507

That was a very good read, I for one could relate to most of that. I expect most people on here can.
I also agree with JNChell about not leaving, although it's your choice.
I come and go however I do read posts every few days.

[daze507]

Thank you guys, I will definitely come back sometimes and try to help those who will go through that too with what I know (and many will) but for now, I feel I need to take some distance from all the BPD stuff as well for my own sanity.

[daze507]

Since I like when things are exhaustive, I added a new section to the note:


   • The red flags you purposely ignored.
   
   -Remember when you invited her to your place and she said "I USUALLY don't come that soon but since it's you...".
   >That "usually" rang a bell in you. How could that be if she told you her last relationship was 3 years ago and lasted for 7 years. It's quite obvious now that many men went through the same cycle before you and that long relationship (if it every existed). That also explains why she moved back then the same way she has just done now, it's just the same cycle, over and over again.
   -Remember the first time she came to your place and said "If you disappear I know where to find you now".
   >I laughed when she said that but I felt something very disturbing, I ignored it.
   -Remember when she told you her ex was an abusive narcissist who almost killed her in the end and that she was obsessed by him, that's why she stayed 7 years with him.
   >That should have been enough to end it on the spot but you wouldn't, still, you knew something was not right, you felt it in your core.
   -Remember when she told you one of her greatest dream would be to be a lesbian but she couldn't because she likes men physically.
   >That was a WTF moment but as always, dismissed.
   -Remember when she told you she intended to put some washing up liquid in the leftovers of her flat mate so he would stop leaving his food everywhere.
   >You thought she was joking, in reality she was very serious. Impulsivity, immaturity, incapacity to resolve conflicts, dangerous and inconsiderate behaviour. Everything was there.
   -Remember when she told you she considered making false allegations against one of her room mates to end her tenancy contract before its term.
   >Same thing as above.
   -Remember when she used to talk about this or this male friend, or this guy who never forgot her birthday (him!) or this co-worker who asked her if she needed something and was staring at her.
   >You wondered why she had to tell you all that crap. In reality she was just trying to make you jealous and/or to show you that she was higher value than you and had several other options.
   -Remember your first blame: "You are looking at other women". Remember also how she used to stare at you for long times, like she was reading your soul.
   >Another WTF moment. She was just analysing everything from you, every word, every action included where you looked.
   -Remember how she used to tell out loud what she liked about you "with you I feel relaxed, I like the fact you take your time to do things, I like that you are never angry, I like your big green eyes, I like how you listen to me" etc.
   >It felt weird, you liked many things about her too but you kept them for yourself, you didn't feel the need to tell her every single thing.
   -Remember how sex was crazy as soon as she was confident, how she somehow managed to read all yours fantasies.
   >It was great indeed but it felt fake and played, almost like it was a movie.
   
You had everything written is front of you, it was actually screaming at you but you wouldn't listen. That says a lot about you, why did you bury your head in the sand that way?

[DiscoDave]

Excellent posts Daze, I resonate with much of what you have experienced. Don't beat yourself up too much about it.

Mine was a pretty girl too, sometimes as guys we can be a little shallow and take more crap from these types because of the physical attraction.

[Cromwell]

Daze whatever you choose, id like to thank you and let you know how much I feel gratitude for you helping me out here last week. As others have said, you know where we all are and in the meantime, wish you the best and support you in getting some rest from the hard work you have put in. See you. 

[daze507]

@DiscoDave
Thank you.
I used to beat myself up for the things I said and did that triggered her, the guilt feeling she created in me took a long time to fade.
Now I know my only mistake were not these petty things but the fact that I refused to listen to my guts. Lesson learnt.
I am not sure the physical aspect played a major role in my case, I dated other very beautiful girls and I never had any issues putting them in their place but this one, no, this one had me under her absolute control.

@Cromwell
I am glad I could have been of any help. I wish you the best too and I am sure all these BPD torments will only be a long gone story for both of us at some point.

[once removed]

thank you for helping other members, daze.

weve all followed your story and wish you the best.

i came here about 9 years ago, and i took a break for a couple of years. i would second JNChells suggestion that theres a great deal more good you can do.

i also know when i came back, i had a really different outlook. save this entry. revisit when you come back. do more work.

it will help you immeasurably in you future relationships 

[daze507]

Thanks OR!