concerned on how to move forward

[beardedyogi]

I have been with my significant other for about four and half years of which we have been married one year. At the beginning, I noticed a level of intensity but disregarded it as the excitement of a new relationship. She said, "I love you" within the first two weeks of dating, then would say that I am perfect(which I would always reassure her I wasn't), and within two months of dating she was saying she wanted to have my babies and was going to tattoo my name on herself.
She comes from divorced parents, infidelity by her father and had an intense relationship before me. There was verbal, emotional, physical, drug and alcohol abuse by both my partner and partner at that time. Her dad was her idol and she would often recount to me as a little girl waiting for him to come home, only to be shooed away by him as if she were a pest (this explains abandonment and rejection issues).
Like all normal relationships, at the beginning we had ups and downs but they were minor things and never led to any intense battles. Fast forward to now and I find myself in an unprecedented place with no direction and at my threshold on whether to move forward together or individually.
I ended up here by coming across Dr. Daniel Fox out of Texas and one of his videos that mentioned Walking on Eggshells. That book has been enlightening and makes more sense of my current situation.
My hope is to get some guidance on my approach from people who have been here.
When I realized about 8 months ago that the frequency and intensity of everything was not normal and I began to do research. At that time my wife was displaying an intense amount of suspicion and distrust to the point of paranoia which I considered to be paranoid personality disorder. When i brought it to her attention she was enraged and said I was the one with a disorder. I brought it up to our therapist once when I had a session alone but the therapist disagreed and said it could be delusional persecutory disorder. In our sessions together my wife is always reserved and if the therapist probes a bit too much she responds by hiding behind that she is being put on the spot and can't come up with an answer to which our therapist respects and doesn't probe any deeper. Our therapist, is great but she is treating the superficial issues like breaking patterns, counter intuitive approaches, basically treating the symptoms and not the root cause.
My threshold has been reached because unlike early on the intensity is high and every argument turns into me being insulted, my manhood being questioned, saying I'm a POS and F you! You are evil! All this because i tried to express my feelings and anxieties or because after an interrogation, I calmly sit with her and tell her those thoughts are not normal and not ok. Some examples, are if I had been to work the past two days, If I went into a neighbors apt when I went outside, accused me of masturbating when I was sleeping, and even made me drive to CVS to get a drug best because in the middle of an argument she said I looked high and I needed to do it or this relationship was over.
I can go on and on but unfortunately I have to do this from work so my time is limited. If anyone reads this please let me know what my next steps should be.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KeepingHope]

I can definitely understand your position.  My wife is similarly over paranoid, along with a few other issues.  I can tell you about my situation, I am still working to find the right answer. 

My wife is diagnosed bipolar and BPD.  Things are not always a struggle, there are good and bad times.  At the moment things are really bad, my wife got an apartment and filed for divorce.  We have been married almost 19 years and have 2 kids.  I am still hopeful that we will work it out, but who knows.  Anyway, any advice I can give is not yet from a place of success.

That said, I think the biggest impacts are the JADE and validation.  Check under tools on this site.  That and maybe the "what it takes" article.  The paranoia issue has always been a struggle for me.  Sometimes I handle it well, most of the time now actually.  But occasionally I mess up, get upset, basically let my emotions get involved.  When that happens it is very easy to try and defend.   When you defend you invalidate her feelings and you confirm the paranoia.  My most recent example, what caused the extreme reaction of divorce, was I received a text message.  That's it.  We were on the couch, my phone was plugged in across the room.  I got up, answered the text, and went back to the couch.  She insisted it was a message I was hiding, even seeing it wasnt good enough.  In that situation you have to be able to control yourself.  I know it is not always easy.  I found this site after that, and she still isn't talking to me, so I haven't been able to try the new tools yet.  But thinking back, over the times that were like this I can see where they could help.  So, check them out.  Try them before it gets worse.