I don't know how to keep hope alive

[Silverhope]

My daughter is 21. At one point she was working, was in a relationship, but it all fell apart and she's back home.

We go through daily destructive episodes where she completely loses herself because of some slight. It's always something relatively small - someone says something that is not quite clear or can easily be misconstrued - and the entire world falls apart. She is sobbing uncontrollably for an hour or more and no amount of validation seems to help. She has to cry it out, launch blame everywhere. Her father and sister can't handle it anymore. They do their best, but they are often taking the brunt of the "blame" because they don't validate, can't handle the explosion.

And I'm completely exhausted. I don't have anything left. Is this ever going to change? I don't know how to get through the day. I dread her waking up because I know the count down to the next episode has begun.

I love her so much. I don't know how to manage through this torrent. I just don't know. Does anything help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Modesty68]

Hello!
I can really relate to most of what you are writing. You are not alone! My D20 does not want to get any help, because she has asked for help for so long without getting it. So then I thought I should get some. I have read about BPD (I recommend Valerie Porr's book!), listened to podcasts (Charlie Swenson speak of many topics, but always from the DBT-angle, which is a recommended therapy for BPD) and I have also visited at therapist who specializes in BPD, to try to find out more. T ex: Should we try our best to not trigger a rage outburst, or is it OK for her to have a rage attack? The therapist told me that she probably not is OK, and that she would hate herself even more after such an outburst.
My husband also have troubles validating, he is more likely to be right - not efficient.
I must try to think that my validating is important, but that his invalidating is not that important.
I always try to find stories about peolpe getting cured or much better, and I am convinced that is possible! It is just getting there...BTW, a breakup is maybe a thousand times worse for BPDs than others.

[Modesty68]

So, say that she now is in a extra big crisis, because of her breakup and having to move back home? That can explain why she is having such a bad time right now.
To avoid misunderstandings, Valerie Porr write in her book about talking to people with BPD, that you should concentrate more than usual; looking straight at the person, express yourself in  way that is not too easy to misunderstand. I recommend her book!

I ofte communicate with my daughter on messenger. Then it is easy to fill up with smileys and hugs, and in that way avoid some negative misunderstandings.

[Louski]

Silverhope,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I understand how you feel completely. My daughter’s illness has nearly destroyed our family and my resolve. I can totally relate to the explosive outbursts. I love it when my daughter isn’t home because when she is I’m just waiting for the next blow up and of course im the only one who reads about her illness, validates, etc. My husband just ignores her as much as he can and if he tries to help her it doesn’t work because he is the least empathetic person around. And my teen son just ignores and resents her for everything she’s done over the years.
So it’s pretty much me always baring the brunt of the meltdowns. I am her number one supporter but with Covid and all the ways our lives have turned upside down I’m barely coping with her and nearly at the end of my rope. To be fair she is too though we never got a proper diagnosis until Jan when she turned 18 and by then my daughter is just tired of her struggles and I don’t blame her. It’s just a terrible situation all the way around.
We do have a light at the end of our tunnel though. After her recent hospital stay (she took a bunch of pills)we can finally start proper DBT Therapy in the city 4 hours away. This had already been in the works then Covid put an immediate hold on it. Anyway they have resumed and we are set to do 4 individual treatments then it is a 24 week commitment. This is not covered by health care and I also have to alter my work hours etc.
I just had a talk with my daughter and said you have the next few weeks to decide if you are fully on board with this. If not I told her she has to either work or look into getting a youth agreement (she is always threatening that anyway and I am finally so beaten down that I have conceded).
I just told her you are my love and my life but if you aren’t interested in this help I have to draw the line because I (and especially her younger brother) can’t live like this anymore.
So of course she says she never wanted any of this PLEASE READ anyway. Is it the BPD talking? I’ll likely find out tomorrow and we will just go from there. I’m just exhausted from her never recognizing all of the sacrifices I make and the turmoil she causes.
Anyway sorry to go on and on I just want you to know that you are not alone! I feel every bit of your pain (clearly I needed to vent). But look into DBT - whether or not my daughter embraces it, it is supposed to be the best therapy for our kids.
Take good care of yourself ((Hugs)

[Modesty68]

Louski!
I think your last topic there is a really, really important one. YES, I think it is the BPD talking when she says no. I DEFINITELY think so. Your D is having a bad time because of BPD. But it is so much "safer" for her to say no to treatment and to your efforts. Oh, I cross my fingers so hard for the two of you and for her amnaging to enter the treatment.I hope that the very first person she meets there is, great and manages to see her and to give her hope. This can really be a turning point!

I also am in the situation that my d20 is completely fed up with the whole health system, think they are evil people and don't want to have anything more to do with "them" ever. So now I just have to wait till thats changing...

[Louski]

Modesty68,

Thanks for youthful reply! Yes my girl is so fed up with mental health system and so am I. We have had so many negative experiences over the years and are just sad that it took so long for us to get a proper diagnosis and direction for treatment. It is such a lonely road to navigate mental health resources (ha there aren’t many) and you have to figure EVERYTHING out by yourself. No one knows this frustration more than the families in crisis. And I honestly feel that no one actually cares except the families in crisis.
Yes I think it was the BPD talking as the plan is still in place to start in city this Friday. I talked to lady on the phone already and I get a really good feeling from her so we will see...
It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one on this roller coaster. I hope your daughter is able to reach out for something, anything that will give her hope. That’s what our girls need...hope to create a life worth living.

[Modesty68]

Louski, please let me now how you are doing on friday and after! I cross my fingers for your D and you!

[Modesty68]

Hello Louski, how is it going?

Have you decided more with your daughter if and how to proceed the treatment?
I am constantly in a process myself. I guess listening til the podcasts From Borderline to Beautiful made it even clearer to me that one must be willing to get really good results from the treatment. But our daughters are so young. The treatment-question will therefore be so mixed up with them as children and us as parents and all that crap.

Hope your weekend is good, anyway!