First post, adult son issue

[An0nym0u5]

Hi, I have a 34yo son living alone (wife and I pay the rent), who just got laid off. He was dx bipolar in his teens, but it’s probably BPD. He’s always been completely averse to any type of therapy. Wife and I got some DBT training which has helped us maintain a tenuous though distant relationship with him, which is better than the perpetual hostility and crisis mode we lived through in his teen years.

He has taken an interest in skeet shooting, and he told me he intends to buy a gun. He was annoyed that I wasn’t happy about his new hobby, but I’m filled with anxiety, because the idea of him with a gun is a nightmare to me.

Has anyone had to deal with a situation like this? I don’t want to show him I’m afraid, and I’d like to keep an open line of communication about it; triggering an ODD reaction might produce a reaction opposite of what I hope for.

Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

I'd be concerned also given his history, but it might be also that there's nothing more to it than he's taken an interest in the sport. What are your fears, specifically? Do you think he might be passively sending a "message?" Or that he might be sharing a new hobby?

[An0nym0u5]

Thanks for asking - absolutely no chance he’s sending a message or being threatening. He actually was looking for me to be enthusiastic about it, the way I usually am about his other hobbies and interests. When I was silent, he picked up on my anxiety and said he’s taken the safety course, and even said “don’t worry I won’t shoot anyone”.

The problem is the impulsiveness and emotional turbulence of his BPD. He might approach his shooting hobby in a professional way, but I’m afraid of what he might do when things go bad in his life and he has a meltdown. In the past he’s verbally threatened harm to others and himself, although he’s never acted on his threats, thankfully.

I can’t figure out how to handle this. In the past I have gained his trust through the validation of DBT, but I don’t want to validate his decision to own a gun. I’m afraid he’ll become oppositionally defiant if he thinks I’m against what he likes doing, and will shut down communication about it.

I’m paralyzed by the fear of saying wrong things and making things worse, as well as not saying enough and missing the chance to influence the situation in a better direction.

[Sancho]

Thank you for your last sentence. It resonates with me so clearly. My bpd is using ice and has come home. She looks terrible but I am torn - do I say something and risk the verbal abuse etc? Do I assume she knows that the sores on her face and bad teeth are to do with her ice use? Sorry I don't have answers - just good to share the problem.

[livednlearned]

In the past I have gained his trust through the validation of D

That's no small thing. You have some trust there, and he's communicating with you.

Maybe there's an opening to say how you feel about guns in general, to put it in terms relative to how you feel. "It may be irrational, and I'm definitely forming my opinions on emotions because I know plenty of people don't get hurt. Still, it makes me nervous to think about guns. I love you and I admire how you're taking the safety classes seriously, and at the same time I'm feeling protective, I guess."

Kind of validating your own feelings versus his.

I’m afraid he’ll become oppositionally defiant if he thinks I’m against what he likes doing, and will shut down communication about it.

I’m paralyzed by the fear of saying wrong things and making things worse, as well as not saying enough and missing the chance to influence the situation in a better direction.

My son isn't BPD altho he is a born contrarian and very rigid in his thinking. He had an interest that concerned me and we sort of danced around those concerns (for similar reasons to what you stated, about triggering opposition). So I started to ask questions from a place of curiosity. Sort of a "tell me _____" (one sentence) followed by his explanation (paragraphs). Nothing but nods from me in response, with the conversation kind of ending in a shrug.

I did this for months until he verbalized out loud the concerns that I had been thinking (to myself). At which point I agreed with him and then some.

S18 is so contrarian that there just isn't a way to counter his opinions the usual ways.

The only other thing I can do is to say I prefer to not discuss xyz if it's something I have no control over and don't want to think about or talk about. Getting him to change his opinions or behaviors based on my wishes goes nowhere for the most part and just makes me more upset.