Feeling stuck and sad

[RestlessWanderer]

The roller coaster ride has not seen an “up” in a while. Things have been tough between us lately. Every day something happens that my wife reacts to saying things like I never listen, I’m making her suffer, I don’t care about her or our son, I jump to help my mom and leave her hanging, etc. I can handle her criticism for the most part. But I’ve been letting my conflict avoidance keep me from doing my job and doing the things that she has been asking me instead. And yet, she’s still not satisfied.

I’ve been working on how to manage that dynamic, but I’m new to that process. I don’t feel much hope for an improvement in the relationship and I know that I’m avoiding a big fight that may or may not come.

This internal conflict has me feeling sad. Sad about the failing marriage, sad about the weight of the insults (even if I know that I shouldn’t take them personally), sad because I don’t know what to do.

I’m also sad because in a few days it will be the birthday of my son that passed away in October. His birthday also marks the anniversary of my dads death.

So, I’m feeling stuck and sad.

[Cat Familiar]

You’ll never be able to satisfy her endless demands. And that’s because she is so uncomfortable within her self. Instead of doing the internal work to grow emotionally, she projects the internal pain outward and expects that others should fix externals so that she will feel better.

I’m so sorry about the loss of your son and father. 

What can you do today to be kind to yourself?

[formflier]

Look at things from a bit of an odd point of view.

If there is nothing you can do to satisfy her...isn't that somewhat empowering?

Think of all the energy you can redirect to self care...where it will matter.

Perhaps another way of saying...if what you are doing isn't working..stop doing it. 

Before you say "but xyz..."...answer this question.  "Is she happy with you when you do all this stuff?"

So..then what is gained by doing it?

Self care and introspection will help you find a new path.

Best,

FF

[spkrpro]

Wow! I must say that I read this post and had to make sure that I did not write it...It sounds so familiar to my situation. My wife and I have the same struggles. She had BPD and we have struggled for 13 years. No matter what I do it is never good enough, constant criticism, then out of nowhere things are great, then it starts over again. The constant conflict has slowly shut me down. After therapy I have realized that I am constantly avoiding her splitting and I no longer feel crazy & wrong in every situation. I’m sorry for you struggles, but there are others out there that feel what you feel.

[yeeter]

I am not the original author, but have posted this a few times over the years.  Just something to consider as you work on your own strength and goals.

Black Hole Analogy:
This is one of my favorites, and I have reminded myself of it over and over.  Simply a reminder to prioritize your own needs and not throw 'everything' down a black hole that cannot be filled:

Imagine walking into your backyard one day and discovering a deep hole in the ground--so deep you can't see the bottom.  The hole looks dark and menacing.  You really, really don't like this hole in your yard.  You decide the answer is to fill it up. 

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Eventually, all you have is an empty, lonely house with a big hole still in the back yard.

The day you decide to stop trying to fill that hole with important things from your life is the day you have decided to start taking care of yourself.   

My point is that giving up your hobbies, passions, work and relationships will not "change" your partner or fill the emotional hole in them. You really, really can't "make" them be happy or whole or anything else.

[RestlessWanderer]

Yesterday would have been our son’s fourth birthday. It got harder and harder every day building up to yesterday. I would look at photos throughout the last week and every time I would well up with tears. On more than one occasion I would just sit there crying alone in the dark. It’s been hard enough grieving for him but even harder because I can’t share it or talk about it with my wife. I woke up yesterday morning to my wife sitting outside smoking and sobbing. So I sat with her and hugged her for a while. We talked about maybe going for a drive up in the nearby mountains. As we were getting ready to go we got the news that one of my wife’s cousins passed away suddenly. She lived just two doors down and would visit periodically and we would invite her kids to come over and play games with us and our 7yo. She is the 7th close relative of my wife’s to pass away in the last 5 or so years, including her brother, sister, and father. Needless to say my wife is feeling overwhelmed. And since she already has problems processing her emotions, she is not handling this very well at all. Most of it gets redirected to me in the form of blame and insults.
I hoped that we could have had a peaceful day remembering our son yesterday and understandably our plans changed. So I’m not upset about that. It sucks, but it was the right thing to do.
It was a little harder than usual to put up with the anger and blame thrown at me, but I know I’ll get through it and be fine.
 I am resilient and strong.

[formflier]

So, I’m feeling stuck and sad.

 

I'm so sorry about all this.  I hope that you can find time to sit with your grief, apart from the crazy in your relationship. 

Yes it's important to be a positive influence on your pwBPD's emotions. 

It's even more important to care for yours.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with formflier, that it's very important that you give yourself the time and space to grieve. It's really sad that you cannot fully share this with your wife.

[RestlessWanderer]

I do make sure that I take care of myself. I know that it’s not selfish to “put on my mask first” (to use the airplane analogy). I have a journal dedicated solely to my memories and thoughts for my son.
So, even though the day and my plans got derailed, I am still able to find time to grieve.
Thanks for the support, advice, and compassionate words. It helps to have a place to go that reminds me that I’m not crazy and not alone.

[RestlessWanderer]

Yeeter, thanks for sharing that. It helps to put some perspective on my situation. I admittedly try over and over again to disprove the things she says to me. I’ve encountered very few people in my life that didn’t like me, and in most cases they saw that they were wrong about me. I think that’s why (or at least one reason) I continue to try.
Thinking about the black hole analogy will hopefully keep me from throwing too much down the hole.

[RestlessWanderer]

Spkrpro, I have done the same thing. Sometimes I’ve found posts that really feel like I could have written them myself. I hope that our similarities end with our BPDso. I wouldn’t wish the pain of loosing a child onto anyone. If you have, then I am deeply sorry. I know that I can’t ever know what anyone else feels as they endure a loss of a child, but I do know that it hurts, is incredibly hard, and doesn’t make any sense. And like I tell people, this wound will never heal, but I will certainly get stronger.

[globalnomad]

RestlessWanderer - This post really moved me. I have a four year old son, and I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot even imagine the pain. In addition, like somebody else in this thread commented, I feel like I could have written your post myself. Exactly the same dynamics I am dealing with. I really relate to the sadness of being in a failing marriage -- and the sense of powerlessness that likely nothing I can do will stop the insults and abuse. Stay strong.

[formflier]

 It's really sad that you cannot fully share this with your wife.

There are a number of parts of a r/s with a pwBPD that I don't care for much...the inability or lack of consistent ability to share important moments is heartbreaking.

Where would you put your pwBPD on the low to high functioning scale?  My wife is pretty high functioning.  There are times when I can share fully and it goes fine, I let my guard down and then out of nowhere "poof"..."the weird stuff shows up."

I sometimes wonder in these situations if it would be easier if she were lower functioning.  

My Father passed away several years ago.  He had a massive stroke (actually a very small stroke but in an incredibly important "junction" in his brain) that left him in long term care for over half a year.  He was able to communicate some back and was able to understand what we were saying to him.

We were just starting to have hope that it might be possible to get him home with a lot of care and outside help, when he suddenly turned for the worse and passed away.  

My perspective on the world has changed dramatically now that I'm the patriarch.  I always knew I could go to Dad and have someone that would listen and provide wise input (and be ok if I did something different).  He always believed in me...

My encouragement to RestlessWanderer and others that are facing the death of a parent is to unapologetically set aside BPD issues and focus on the time remaining with your loved one.  

One of the blessings I had in my Dad's long term care was the knowledge of nothing "left unsaid".  Sure, I would like to have another cup of coffee..another drive down to the farm...

Take this time you have and make the most of it, let the rest of the world (and your pwBPD) sort themselves out.

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

RestlessWanderer - This post really moved me. I have a four year old son, and I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot even imagine the pain. In addition, like somebody else in this thread commented, I feel like I could have written your post myself. Exactly the same dynamics I am dealing with. I really relate to the sadness of being in a failing marriage -- and the sense of powerlessness that likely nothing I can do will stop the insults and abuse. Stay strong.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am stubborn and steadfast. I make that get knocked down but I always get back up again. I just keep doing what I think is right.

[RestlessWanderer]

Where would you put your pwBPD on the low to high functioning scale?  My wife is pretty high functioning.  There are times when I can share fully and it goes fine, I let my guard down and then out of nowhere "poof"..."the weird stuff shows up."

I believe she is on the high functioning end of the spectrum. She is brilliant and is one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. She can have a conversation with nearly anyone on any topic and be able to bring insight to the talk. She also has a very contagious energy. She can talk anyone into anything. I always tell her she should sell cars or get into politics with that ability. That’s how we ended up together. She showed signs of inner turmoil very early in our relationship, but I thought her brilliant and energetic side would prevail and be the person I spent most of my time with.
I’m glad that her BP tendencies are mostly in private. She doesn’t embarrass me in public ever. She can lose her temper with people though. She recently got into a scuffle in our local little general store with a woman who was coughing and sneezing, ignoring social distancing and not wearing a mask.
I think that she keeps her BP side private so  no one but me sees it. That way no one would believe me if I told them.
But since she’s always been opinionated, verbal, and fearless in the face of bullies and anyone else that she needed to speak out against or stand up to, people have seen glimpses of what she’s capable of.

[globalnomad]

I believe she is on the high functioning end of the spectrum. She is brilliant and is one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. She can have a conversation with nearly anyone on any topic and be able to bring insight to the talk. She also has a very contagious energy. She can talk anyone into anything. I always tell her she should sell cars or get into politics with that ability. That’s how we ended up together. She showed signs of inner turmoil very early in our relationship, but I thought her brilliant and energetic side would prevail and be the person I spent most of my time with.
...

I really relate to this too. My wife is extremely smart and can be very charming and personable. She is very good at getting people to like her, especially men. The "crazy" only really ever comes out in front of me or her parents. As a result it's easy to sometimes feel like I'm losing my mind. If I were to tell some people who know both of us the reality, they probably wouldn't even believe it.

[yeeter]

The roller coaster ride has not seen an “up” in a while. Things have been tough between us lately. Every day something happens that my wife reacts to saying things like I never listen, I’m making her suffer, I don’t care about her or our son, I jump to help my mom and leave her hanging, etc. I can handle her criticism for the most part. But I’ve been letting my conflict avoidance keep me from doing my job and doing the things that she has been asking me instead. And yet, she’s still not satisfied.

I’ve been working on how to manage that dynamic, but I’m new to that process. I don’t feel much hope for an improvement in the relationship and I know that I’m avoiding a big fight that may or may not come.

This internal conflict has me feeling sad. Sad about the failing marriage, sad about the weight of the insults (even if I know that I shouldn’t take them personally), sad because I don’t know what to do.

I’m also sad because in a few days it will be the birthday of my son that passed away in October. His birthday also marks the anniversary of my dads death.

So, I’m feeling stuck and sad.

Hi Restless, I hope somehow you were able to bounce and are in a better place than your original post.  I/we feel for you here.  And although there really are few that understand the dynamics, there are SOME, and what this site is all about.  So know you are not alone.

One thing that helped me a little was to consider the stages of grief.  I went through a multi-year process for this.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

For me, working through these stages as it relates to the relationship was something I had to do.  Ultimately I had to get to a point where I accepted that I was never going to have the things I wanted from a relationship.  A happy, healthy interaction where we show each other love and support.  I spent a long time in the denial phase determined that 'we are two smart capable people, we 'should' be able to make this work'.  But it could not work (for the many reasons cited). 

Anger is natural and try not to blame yourself for it.  Since again, you are not superhuman and there were any secrets to figuring out how to make it work they would have been a sticky here long ago and this website dismantled.

Bargaining can work.  In a one sided, non fulfilling sort of way.  It can give time to make things 'tolerable'.  But it is not healthy, fulfilling, nor a long term solution.  In part because there is no way to bargain in a fair and balanced way, only one sided concessions.

So get depressed.  Dont over do it.  But it is natural.  Consider that being depressed about the reality of it all is a step towards the end game:  Acceptance.   Acceptance that the relationship just can not be what you wanted or hoped for.  At that point you can start to think clearly again, what YOU want to do and be and what future you want to build for yourself given the constraints at hand.  YOU CAN DO IT!

It is painful. 

Pain without acceptance is suffering.

You are suffering.  Read some about radical acceptance.  'Acceptance is the only way out of hell'.  So consider to embrace the stage you are in now, as one of the final stages towards acceptance, after which it will start to become better for you.

In no way am I suggesting to minimize the loss and suffering you are going through.  Hugs.  Make a 'self care' plan and write it down.  Take care of yourself.  Put your own life vest on first.  This will enable you to better deal with the rest as you map and travel your forward journey.

 

[PB18]

"that my wife reacts to saying things like I never listen, I’m making her suffer, I don’t care about her"

EXACTLY the same as my GF wBPD told me.

What I told myself and did:

1. forget about "fair","objective",etc. in this game. This is a game that the only truth is that we interact/has feelings with the other's move/behavior.
2. when she says she felt I don't care about her/making her suffer, etc., that's TRUE for her feeling. Though for me that is a total different story. But I need to know that's her TRUE feeling. That's all.
3. I have my FULLY confidence and right to be no shame/regret about what has happened.
4. 3ed point dose not conflict with that I spend time to think why she felt that, what I can do(within my ability).
5. after these thinkings, I felt I've been more strong and more powerful to help/love her.
6. I care about her more, with almost no grievance nor regret: be more careful to remember what she've demanded for(even very little things). Consciously put down my own things away from my mind occasionally, and talk/listen to her with full heart/no negative emotion. etc.
7. I hope/pray she can be better, with her own growing power to get happier/stronger, eg. and meanwhile I do my own things, dream my own dreams.
8. the result shows that she feels different after my changes. And I feel better as well.
9. Things are very hard/difficult of course, especially when I am talking about "do my own things/dream my own dreams" etc. But I got no choice with my own life/plan/dream, I must live it myself.

hope this might help.

[PB18]

//wrong operation...repeated post.

[RestlessWanderer]

  I spent a long time in the denial phase determined that 'we are two smart capable people, we 'should' be able to make this work'.  But it could not work (for the many reasons cited). 

So get depressed.  Dont over do it.  But it is natural.  Consider that being depressed about the reality of it all is a step towards the end game:  Acceptance.   Acceptance that the relationship just can not be what you wanted or hoped for.  At that point you can start to think clearly again, what YOU want to do and be and what future you want to build for yourself given the constraints at hand.  YOU CAN DO IT!

It is painful. 

Pain without acceptance is suffering.

Yeeter, thanks for reading my post and sharing your thoughts/experiences. What you said about hoping for change based on the face that we are both smart and capable people, surely we can fix this, really resonated with me. That is definitely part of what is keeping me here. I just can’t believe that anyone could really believe that I am a “piece of PLEASE READ,” “worthless,” or “worse” than her abusive alcoholic dad.
What you said about it being ok to get depressed also rang true. Since my son passed away I have learned to not deny my emotions. It helps them to not take a hold of me if I just recognize them and let them flow naturally.
I have bounced back, though. The week before my sons birthday was the hardest. Since then I’m back to normal. Things with my wife aren’t any easier though. So, I am starting to move towards acceptance and the next steps.