Need some guidance; I realize that he has to want to get help and he does not.

[Chitown]

I'm a mom of an adult son who has been diagnosed with co-occurring issues of BPD, and substance abuse/addiction (mainly marijuana, but occasionally other drugs as well).   Our family has been struggling with his mental health issues since he dropped out of college about 5 years ago.  He's almost 25 now.  A girlfriend of mine suggested I find a support group to help me gain some insight from other parents who may have been in a similar situation.  I'm in need of guidance and support, and I hope that hearing from other people who have walked a similar path might be able to share some wisdom.

To give a glimpse of the situation, my son has been hospitalized several times in the last 5 years.  His father and I are divorced, and our son has resided with each of us for periods of time, but currently lives with me and my fiance.   After his last hospitalization (a friend called authorities because he was talking about suicide) a few months ago, I finally gave him an ultimatum of following through with his pre discharge rhetoric and either going to a residential treatment program, or moving out on his own - pretty much an impossibility since he has no steady income.  When forced to make a choice he reluctantly agreed to go.  I searched and found a program in Denver (attached to a sober living house) that I hoped was a good fit.  The first week there went very well - better than expected to be honest.  But by week two, typical behaviors started up and the program was calling me saying he needs "a higher level of care."  Unfortunately, that's a phrase I'm all too familiar with.  At a virtual family session this news was broken to him, he begged to come home, I held my ground on the original ultimatum, and when his emotions escalated the clinical staff there had no choice but to send him back to yet another hospital.  Did I mention we do not live in Denver.  I'm halfway across the country, he's scared, I'm scared.  Not telling him to come home and "rescue" him was the hardest thing I've ever done.  I realize that I have become part of the problem and have been enabling him unintentionally by allowing him to live in our home and not grow up.   I'm trying to determine what is the next best step since he is refusing to consider further residential treatment of any kind.  Obviously the ultimatum doesn't work.  I realize that he has to want to get help and he does not.  Where does that leave me?  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Chitown,
 I invite you to click onto my name and read my story .  Off the top of my head I also invite you to click onto FaithHopeLove 's name as well.  We had to  make  similar ultimatums with our adult kids as well and it has been heart wrenching.  There may be others on here that will chime in as well.   I wouldn't be too quick to say the ultimatum didn't work.  1. He had/ has a choice in this and he refuses to accept the help he needs.  That is on him.  2.  When it gets to the point of ultimatum, the adult child has crossed so many boundaries that it becomes life threatening.    You and your son are alive because of your ultimatum.  Please write back , you are not alone.  Stand tall in this.