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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: The message blew our children’s world into a million pieces Part 2  (Read 781 times)
empath
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #30 on: June 16, 2020, 02:13:55 AM »

Excerpt
They have not gone so well because I have just provided her information rather than attempting to explain that information. She is not at all comfortable with finances, BUT, she has had over 4 years knowing this was the likely end zone of her choices and as such I think it is reasonable to expect for her to have gotten up to speed on the basics of our pretty basic financial position and what needs to be done.

After all the emotional drama and planning of the past 5+ years, my h realized about a month ago that he could transfer an appropriate amount of financial support to me without anyone telling him to do it or forcing him. He hates finances, too.

The story that he was telling himself and others was that I was 'persecuting' him and making life so horrible for him. But all his solutions to the financial issues were more drama-filled, so I said they wouldn't work for me.

I would be very reluctant to say that either of you are responsible for the children during the other parent's time. I think of it as each parent has their own time as "parent-in-charge" and primary decision maker for what happens during that time with the children. Each of you have work obligations that happen during your parenting time and you each need to manage those yourselves.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #31 on: June 16, 2020, 06:10:26 AM »

Enabler, the dad's behavior was difficult. The mother showed a lot of grace in this situation. She didn't want the children to feel negatively about their father- but I think his behavior is what shaped their relationship with them- they are closer to their mother.

A parallel with my own FOO is that my father had the bulk of the parenting- and I was closer to him. My H is a good father to our kids, but left most of the early parenting to me. They are emotionally closer to me. A parent can love their child, but the parent-child bond is built over time through the hands on parenting- the fun kind and the tough kind, disciplining with love.

I agree with Ga Girl- you have been there for the kids, while your wife has had the freedom to go out as she wishes. Having her time, where she can't do this, is likely going to be an imposition and she may push her parenting time on to you- while still trying to maintain her wonderful parent image.

I would get the parenting time in writing, but if she does this, my tendency would be to not dig your heels in and take the children. They may feel their mother doesn't want them- and possibly you don't too if you don't. I think whether someone stays married or divorced, if one parent is disordered and not invested in the children- for the sake of the children- the other parent needs to take on more of the parenting.

This will pay off in your relationship with them and also their outcomes as adults. You don't have to stop your own life or interests. You can get a sitter for a few hours. Soon they will be old enough to be home alone for a bit if you want to go to the gym or an errand, and if you are working from home, they know you need time to do that.

What might happen is that your wife will enlist the older one to watch the younger one, while she does her own thing. There could be more friction between her and the children as they get older. Your boundary should be on your time with them, but if it becomes a request for more time with you, that's a place for flexibility on your part. You might be thinking about this in terms of making your wife responsible for what she did and chose, but actually, the cost to this idea is passed on to the kids.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #32 on: June 17, 2020, 11:25:18 AM »

Staff only This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345036.0
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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