I was in your shoes, more or less, about 15 years ago. My now-ex had threatened me and I had called 911. Two officers responded.
Long story on all that transpired (please follow link), short version, I was asked to hand preschooler over to his mother and "step away", son shrieked and police left. Months later I got a divorce lawyer and he said my son helped me avoid getting arrested since the men are often the ones carted away regardless who was at fault. My spouse was later arrested for Threat of DV but after a few months of continuances the judge ruled her Not Guilty since she didn't have a weapon in her hands, not the law but apparently case law.
I did get possession of the home for the first few months and she never tried to come back. The marriage was over 15 years and so did in the final decree have to share the house's equity with her.
If you too have your spouse dealing with violating DV laws, then don't "gift away" your advantage. For dads, such advantages are few and far between. In all the years since, my ex only once accused me of DV, probably because she had looked so bad with her own prosecution. (She filed to have her case
expunged a few years later.) She was/is a very entitled mother and her favorite method — because it always seemed to work, at first — was to make child abuse, neglect and endangerment allegations. Of course the professionals all have to investigate, even after all the prior failed claims.
Court often views both parents as stuck in bickering mode. Your task is to always be calm in court and focused on more than
documented issues but also what you can present as your
practical solutions. Eventually, after a few years, the court more and more saw that I was the reasonable parent appearing with my ideas on solutions and not just complaints and unsubstantiated allegations.
So another gem of advice is to never lose your temper with her no matter how much she taunts, manipulates or baits you. Always behave virtually angelic, as though the court was looking over your shoulder.
Mediation is usually one of the first steps in a divorce, right after temp orders are set. Be aware that mediation does not have to succeed. Yes, you enter with the purpose to find agreement but also prepared to call it Failed after you reach impasses. Our sort of PD cases generally can't succeed in mediation, the stbEx is just too entitled or obstructive. (Some states allow partial successes in mediation with the rest left for subsequent court processes, others have it as a black box with all or nothing terms.) The counsel here is that you don't have to Gift Away more than you feel is appropriate, okay to advise the mediator, as often happens for us, when it is clear that mediation has failed.
Courts have a reputation for not trying to guide either parent to mental health recovery. The professionals mostly deal with the parents
as they are. Yes, your spouse needs therapy, just realize that courts often take a different approach, they focus on dealing with parents as they are and giving more attention to documented evidence. We do well to do likewise.
If she has a diagnosis, great, but don't waste too much time seeking a diagnosis if it becomes clear your court too doesn't want you to "play doctor". The professionals used by the court may or may not take that approach.
When the idea of a
psych eval is mentioned in the early stages of separation or divorce, understand it is often of limited benefit. If it succeeds. My spouse and I were ordered to have one. I complied. To this day nearly 15 years later I still don't know whether she took her psych eval. That was one of my first lessons. Never comply with submission of results until the other parent also complies. My lawyer should have informed her lawyer, "My client has completed his required testing. We are ready to
exchange results."
The better evaluation is an in depth
custody evaluation by a very experienced and respected professional, usually done in the middle of the divorce process. A CE can be marvelous or disastrous depending on the ability or gullibility of the evaluator.
Very important to realize is that the temp order can persist throughout the divorce process. (My temp orders, one for separation and one for the divorce, lasted over two years without fixes. That's right, not at all "temporary".) For that reason try your best to get the "least bad" temp order from the start. A problem you'll likely face is that temp orders are usually issued in a brief hearing, maybe a half hour. So be sure you have valid points to make, in priority order, to not walk out with a standard temp order favoring the usual gender. Courts usually pay more attention to the issues most impacting the children, less so the feuding parents. So keep that in mind when making your list. Not that you should ignore serious issues, just keep in mind issues involving the children seem to be addressed as more actionable.
Lastly, many parents arrived here with their typical "I want to show I'm super fair to impress everyone how fair I am." News flash. There's a saying,
The one behaving poorly seldom gets much in the way of consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets much in the way of credit. Sorry, you may have to limit yourself in being too nice or too fair. (Your disordered spouse almost certainly won't try to be overly fair or overly nice with you, right?)
