don't know if this will work, but an idea -

[incadove]

So, first I should say that I'm not sure if my dd's ever had bpd per se, but they had severe abandonment issues and I think that can cause similar emotions.  And overall I think right now, I have a lot less pain and difficulty than a lot of people here (light at the end of the tunnel?) because my dd's try very hard to be ethical, considerate and (at least sometimes) connected.

But anyway, I had a reaction to something and sent a message to my dd, that caused a lot of pain and was disruptive for my dd, and I don't want to do that again; but to be close I do want to express what I'm feeling when there's a problem, and not always to wait til much later because then sometimes my feelings shift in a bad way, or just repress.

So I have an idea, that maybe if something upsets me, I can still write a note, but not send it, and just let them know in the moment that I felt upset and wrote some feelings down, and if maybe later we could look at the note and talk it over?  

Sort of "me now wants to talk to you and me later"?  

I haven't tried this yet and don't know if it will work, but it seems like it both lets me express my feelings _and_ be considerate of how those might affect my dd, and let her set the pace of if and when she wants to hear them, but does let me express and acknowledge myself in the moment.  

We'll see, I like to have a plan for if I feel badly, so that I can later follow the plan and not just react.  I thought this could maybe even be helpful to someone else so I wanted to share it.  Hugs all

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Thank you for sharing that Incadove,
The unsent letter, journaling, etc are very helpful tools.

[Thanks]

I always respond to emails when I feel like it - but delay sending them for several hours or a day. It's worked well as I often edit and change them to fit the pattern recommended in the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.
(acknowledge their feelings, then share yours in a low-key way and suggest working on it together)
No guarantees, but it can help - Good luck!