PUT A FORK IN ME I'M DONE

[Dogmom6]

She is 28 years old, bright, gifted, talented and mean as all get out.  She lives in a different state where she attends law school (which I have ruined for her).  She has no friends as no one can live up to her expectations coupled with she is smarter and works harder than everyone and has no problem telling them so.  Her boyfriend of 10 years broke up with her a year and half ago. Of course she cheated on him repeatedly, told him to his face she didn't love him, but, don't remind her of those facts, he was her one true love)  She didn't feel as those her friends supported her correctly, so they are all gone.  Her cousin and best friend cut her out last year after she had told her cousin she would not be attending her wedding as it was midterms and an 8 hour trip each way.  That was fine as her cousin had been married for over a year this was simply a ceremony to please grandparents.  One week before the wedding she called her cousin and told her to uninvite my son so she could go to the weeding.  She said no, you made your decision and they have not spoken since.  She does nothing but sit in her apartment all day talking to her cat attending classes now online.  I am pretty close to the only person she speaks to now and that consists of nasty texts for hours about how terrible a person I am and what a loser I am.  She attended therapy 3 times claimed I wasn't pay and stopped going.  Now due to cut backs I can't afford it  so I'm a cheap, broke loser.  I found several therapists that take her insurance so now the excuse is either if you are going to pay the copay, just give me the money so I can buy things I need.  That was followed by I need a Life Coach not a therapist.  I found a Life Coach, sent her the link to make sure that was what she wanted.  She doesn't have time she wants out of her apartment.  Pack your stuff and come home.  No, she is not comfortable in my home which she calls a garbage can and pigsty.  She says my significant other is abusive to her although she will say he has never laid a hand on her.  Christmas morning last year she stood in the hallway calling me terrible names.  He came upstairs and told her she could not speak to me that way in our house.  Ever since she refers to him as "her abuser".  All that said today was the end of my rope.  She texted what are you doing?  I answered cleaning the kitchen.  The exact quote is Oh of course so your fat lazy butt could have sat down and helped me organize, but you just don't care to.  Keep cleaning it will always be a pigsty.  So I guess that means I'm on my own as always.  Get me off your line(I pay her phone, car insurance, health care, cable electric and water) you broke cheap looking loser.  She states she is the way she is as I never taught her how to speak to people properly.  I suggested that the way you speak to people  I want to do some organization today, do you think you could take a break and help me. Or I was hoping to work on organizations do you think you could take a break and help? That went in to 4 hours of texts from her about how I don't respect her, I treat her horribly, calling me every name and that I'm always too busy.  All I wanted was for her to clearly express herself in an appropriate manner.  It started at 10 it's 5:30 and she is still texting.  And still has not once said in a polite appropreiate manner, Hey I need help with this, do you have some time?  I don't think I am asking too much.  Put a fork in me, I'm done. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Roseglow]

Hello DogMom6,
I am so sorry to hear all that you have gone through. I know this feeling well, as I also have a 27 year old daughter that treats me the same way.  You have come to the right place to gain support and a soft place to land after the horror you have had to live. 
     I urge you to make self care a priority.  You need to take care of yourself, so you can eventually be a help to your daughter, if she will ever let you.  There is a lot of help on this wonderful website.  I am also trying to learn about dialectic therapy... if my daughter won't even consider it, I am going to strengthen myself  by learning the skills..
     It is important that you set boundaries.  I am learning not to engage in any critical behaviour from my daughter, leaving the room telling her we will talk about things when she calms down.  If you must engage in texts, keep them very brief. I would encourage you not to argue over texts... as you will never get anywhere.  Borderlines, never "listen", they often don't even hear.  In their mind, they have already formed an argument if they sense a word they don't like.
     Do something lovely for yourself each and every day. A walk in the outdoors, a wonderful warm cup of coffee or tea, a meditation, paint your nails, read a book, eat a chocolate, listen to music etc etc, and remind yourself you deserve to feel joy.  It's probably been a long time since you've felt that. Look for it.Every day. It is out there.
     Remind yourself that all those things your daughter is accusing you of,... well, let's just put it this way... they hurt the one's they love. They are mentally ill.  I liken it to a diabetic that needs insulin, but doesn't have it.  Unwell ...!
     I hope you will find peace and that little bit of joy everyday. You are among your "tribe" here .

[seekerinlife]

I'm so sorry.   I can tell that she's causing you a lot of pain.  Her angry texts sound a lot like ones I've gotten from 24-year-old.  I have made a rule that if he sends me texts that put me down, I won't respond.  If he sends me a text that doesn't put me down, I'll respond.  I told him that I would talk to him on the phone or meet him somewhere (which doesn't sound like an option for you) and I stay with it.  It doesn't stop the texts but it really shortens the duration.  The last rant was about the same stuff he's been accusing me of for the last 6 years.  Yesterday when his roommate kicked him out of the house, his text said it was my lack of parenting skills that made him homeless again.  It takes everything in me to put away the knee-jerk reactions to defend myself and hold the line.

You're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.  Make no mistake - it's really hard to be the parent of a BPD.  Her brain doesn't process normal human interactions the same way that most of us do.  Find things that bring you joy and peace.  Grieve.  Do your own work to take your life back in the midst of it all.