Do I have any legal recourse?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've mentioned this in other threads, but figured I'd make a separate thread to discuss this single issue. I know we all live in different states/countries, so the laws in each jurisdiction may vary.

I'm currently going through an extremely unfair and unjust situation, and am trying to determine if my attorney is doing everything he can do for me right now.

As I've mentioned elsewhere, my BPD wife took our 2 year old daughter away without my knowledge or consent 2-3 weeks ago. They've been staying at my in-laws' place, which is 2-3 hours away from here (still in the same state).

My wife filed for divorce the following week. I was in the process of filing for divorce that same day, but she officially filed first. Between when she left and when she filed, she refused to return home or let me see my daughter, only giving me the option of going to my in-laws' place to spend a little time with my daughter. With the likelihood of my wife fabricating some serious charges against me at some point, the offer to let me visit our child in their house was basically worthless.

I have filed for a temporary custody hearing, but I have no idea when that hearing will take place. The courts are traditionally slow as it is, and are now severely backed up due to the COVID-19 closures.

Between now and whenever that hearing takes place, my attorney has been able to negotiate for me to see my daughter a little bit here and there. I got 12 hours this past week (three separate visits), but don't have anything scheduled yet for this coming week. And my wife has a two week vacation coming up where she's fully planning on taking our daughter with her, and my attorney is just letting it happen.

My attorney has told me that we have zero leverage right now, because my wife was the one in "possession" when the divorce was filed. My attorney said that this will make my wife look bad and unstable in the eyes of the court when it comes time for our trial, so this should benefit me in the long run, but that she's not legally obligated to let me see my daughter at all between now and whenever the temporary order is in place.

My attorney comes highly recommended to me, and there are several reasons why I feel like he's a good fit. On the other hand, when I was interviewing other attorneys earlier in the process, some of them told me that if they represented me, they could file immediately for an emergency hearing that would A) require my wife to return to our county, and B) require her to give me 50/50 visitation until the temporary order is in place.

I asked my current attorney about that option, and he said you can only file for that emergency hearing if there's proof that the child is currently being abused by the other spouse, was pulled out of school during the school year, etc. Since none of those apply, my attorney keeps telling me there's nothing we can do until the temporary hearing comes around.

I know it's a bad look in general to fire an attorney, and I don't have any other "prospects" that came as highly recommended as this one. On the other hand, if I'm missing out on significant time with my daughter because my attorney isn't doing everything in his power to help me, then that's not acceptable.

What do you all think? Any insight you can share about how your state handles this type of situation? I just recently started lurking - and then posting - here in the past year, so feel free to point me to some older threads that deal with this sort of issue.

[alleyesonme]

I've mentioned this in other threads, but figured I'd make a separate thread to discuss this single issue. I know we all live in different states/countries, so the laws in each jurisdiction may vary.

I'm currently going through an extremely unfair and unjust situation, and am trying to determine if my attorney is doing everything he can do for me right now.

As I've mentioned elsewhere, my BPD wife took our 2 year old daughter away without my knowledge or consent 2-3 weeks ago. They've been staying at my in-laws' place, which is 2-3 hours away from here (still in the same state).

My wife filed for divorce the following week. I was in the process of filing for divorce that same day, but she officially filed first. Between when she left and when she filed, she refused to return home or let me see my daughter, only giving me the option of going to my in-laws' place to spend a little time with my daughter. With the likelihood of my wife fabricating some serious charges against me at some point, the offer to let me visit our child in their house was basically worthless.

I have filed for a temporary custody hearing, but I have no idea when that hearing will take place. The courts are traditionally slow as it is, and are now severely backed up due to the COVID-19 closures.

Between now and whenever that hearing takes place, my attorney has been able to negotiate for me to see my daughter a little bit here and there. I got 12 hours this past week (three separate visits), but don't have anything scheduled yet for this coming week. And my wife has a two week vacation coming up where she's fully planning on taking our daughter with her, and my attorney is just letting it happen.

My attorney has told me that we have zero leverage right now, because my wife was the one in "possession" when the divorce was filed. My attorney said that this will make my wife look bad and unstable in the eyes of the court when it comes time for our trial, so this should benefit me in the long run, but that she's not legally obligated to let me see my daughter at all between now and whenever the temporary order is in place.

My attorney comes highly recommended to me, and there are several reasons why I feel like he's a good fit. On the other hand, when I was interviewing other attorneys earlier in the process, some of them told me that if they represented me, they could file immediately for an emergency hearing that would A) require my wife to return to our county, and B) require her to give me 50/50 visitation until the temporary order is in place.

I asked my current attorney about that option, and he said you can only file for that emergency hearing if there's proof that the child is currently being abused by the other spouse, was pulled out of school during the school year, etc. Since none of those apply, my attorney keeps telling me there's nothing we can do until the temporary hearing comes around.

I know it's a bad look in general to fire an attorney, and I don't have any other "prospects" that came as highly recommended as this one. On the other hand, if I'm missing out on significant time with my daughter because my attorney isn't doing everything in his power to help me, then that's not acceptable.

What do you all think? Any insight you can share about how your state handles this type of situation? I just recently started lurking - and then posting - here in the past year, so feel free to point me to some older threads that deal with this sort of issue.

[ForeverDad]

Another way to describe your in between status is that the spouses in a marriage have equal but undefined parenting rights.  Sadly, the pending status assumes the parents will be reasonable, most are but when an acting-out Personality Disorder is involved...

Be prepared for the court to do as my magistrate did.  We had separated and she sought an ex parte temporary protection order.  At the first hearing a couple weeks later the CPS rep stood up and said he had "no concerns" about me.  The magistrate promptly removed our son from her petition and set up a mother-oriented "standard" parenting order but at least giving me every other weekend and an evening in between.  (Meanwhile she was charged over in civil court with Threat of DV that after a few months of continuances ended up being ruled Not Guilty based not on the law but case law.)

Shortly before all our temp orders were dismissed, I filed for divorce.  She stopped allowing exchanges.  When I finally got the initial divorce hearing, I told the same magistrate I hadn't seen or talked with my preschooler for three months.  Was he outraged?  No, he just said, "I'll fix that" and set a second temp order.  Did it start immediately since I hadn't seen my now 4 year old since before his birthday?  Did I get make-up time for the missed months?  Was the order giving me more parenting time this time around?  No, No, and No.  My father-son reunion was to begin a few days later on the next Friday evening.  Then stbEx said she was going out of town Saturday for a religious event and wanted to delay the start until after she got back.  And the magistrate agreed!

Did I feel like the left out parent?  Definitely.  But it was what it was.  I had to accept reality and look forward.  By the time we got to the final decree two years later she looked pretty bad.  Our excellent custody evaluator (a respected child psychologist) had summarized, "Mother cannot share 'her' son but Father can."  I was able to exit not just with equal time in Shared Parenting but also held out for being the responsible parent for school purposes.  Shortly afterward her school kicked out our son due to her scenes there.  (Her school would have been stuck with her if I hadn't become primary for school purposes.)  She kept misbehaving and so I filed for custody and majority time.  I got the custody part.  She kept misbehaving and so I filed for majority time yet again.  Since I also had school teachers testify, I got majority time during the school year.  (Stunning how the school's testimony seemed to get more traction from the court than my year-round accounts.)  After that the obstruction subsided and we finished out the final 6 years of the order with minimal issues.  He's now aged out of the court system.

So let's ponder your situation.  Not much we can do about the court's scheduling at this time.  Perhaps try to make your first hearing highlight how disadvantaged without basis you were as a parent.  Her claimed "parent in possession" status was only based on a couple weeks after separation.

The time she is allowing you, however brief, is she requiring it be supervised in any way?  If so, that won't be the case once court gets involved.  Typically the worst case scenario is that the court may allow a supervised status for a few weeks until CPS or children's services can report back to the court whether they have any concerns.  Supervised visitation is only when there is substantive indication of child abuse, neglect or endangerment.

Right now you're stuck in a defensive stance.  Your stbEx will try to keep it that way.  (You know how many competitive games are won by teams playing just Defense and ignoring Offense, right?)  We're here to help you implement proactive strategies.

While I agree you're more or less stuck right now, what can be done preparing for court?  If your ex does claim she doesn't trust you as parent and wants supervised, how will your lawyer be proactive?  One response would be that you were fine to live with until she left.  Kind of weak, though.  If the court wants to limit you severely such as with supervised until you're vetted by CPS, see if you can get both parents scrutinized by CPS or children's services.  That is a huge weakness of most early orders where too often only one parent is scrutinized.

Similarly, if you want her to have a Psych Eval, you may more likely get it if you ask for both parents to get a Psych Eval.  In addition, your lawyer has to be careful about how the results are released.  (My story, both of us were ordered to take psych evals, I complied, I had "anxiety", I shared results, but to this day over 14 years later all I got from her side was crickets.)  I recommend your lawyer be proactive and strategic, "To ex's lawyer, we have dad's psych eval results, please advise when your client's results are available and we will exchange them and share them with the court."

One problem is that those temporary orders are not so temporary for us.  Our divorce cases too often last a year, two years, sometimes longer.  That's not every temporary.  And apparently courts and lawyers are very reluctant to fix temp orders midstream.  So try your best to get the "least bad" temp order possible, you'll probably have it for longer than even your lawyer imagines.  (Mine estimated 7-9 months and it was nearly two years.)

My lawyer was experienced but didn't like using any medial terms.  He usually called her crazy but when he was really frustrated he called her F* Nuts and another time he said she was sociopathic and could pass a lie detector.  Was he on the level of William Eddy, author of our essential SPLITTING handbook?  No, but he was close enough.  Like most courts and lawyers, he was content to make gradual incremental tweaks to the parental custody and time schedule.  I guess it's the "let's try the least amount of fix (or rock the status quo) to see whether it works" concept.  Like many others, I too returned a few times to court to eventually obtain an order with a good-enough outcome.

Court may not care for you to, as they view it, "play doctor".  Yes, you lived with her for years but they don't think you're a qualified authority.  Court and it's experts generally are not concerned about seeking a diagnosis of a person's mental illness.  If there's a diagnosis, great, but it often takes second chair to their favorite approach, hearing evidence of documented poor behaviors.

Try to avoid claims of "he always..." and "she always..." since that can be heard as hearsay and largely ignored.  Bring with you your logs, calendars, emails, etc which can remain private if you wish but you can reference them for details of specific incidents.  That is documentation.  However, incidents older than six months are often ignored unless presented to document a behavior pattern.

[alleyesonme]

Another way to describe your in between status is that the spouses in a marriage have equal but undefined parenting rights.  Sadly, the pending status assumes the parents will be reasonable, most are but when an acting-out Personality Disorder is involved...

Be prepared for the court to do as my magistrate did.  We had separated and she sought an ex parte temporary protection order.  At the first hearing a couple weeks later the CPS rep stood up and said he had "no concerns" about me.  The magistrate promptly removed our son from her petition and set up a mother-oriented "standard" parenting order but at least giving me every other weekend and an evening in between.  (Meanwhile she was charged over in civil court with Threat of DV that after a few months of continuances ended up being ruled Not Guilty based not on the law but case law.)

Shortly before all our temp orders were dismissed, I filed for divorce.  She stopped allowing exchanges.  When I finally got the initial divorce hearing, I told the same magistrate I hadn't seen or talked with my preschooler for three months.  Was he outraged?  No, he just said, "I'll fix that" and set a second temp order.  Did it start immediately since I hadn't seen my now 4 year old since before his birthday?  Did I get make-up time for the missed months?  Was the order giving me more parenting time this time around?  No, No, and No.  My father-son reunion was to begin a few days later on the next Friday evening.  Then stbEx said she was going out of town Saturday for a religious event and wanted to delay the start until after she got back.  And the magistrate agreed!

Did I feel like the left out parent?  Definitely.  But it was what it was.  I had to accept reality and look forward.  By the time we got to the final decree two years later she looked pretty bad.  Our excellent custody evaluator (a respected child psychologist) had summarized, "Mother cannot share 'her' son but Father can."  I was able to exit not just with equal time in Shared Parenting but also held out for being the responsible parent for school purposes.  Shortly afterward her school kicked out our son due to her scenes there.  (Her school would have been stuck with her if I hadn't become primary for school purposes.)  She kept misbehaving and so I filed for custody and majority time.  I got the custody part.  She kept misbehaving and so I filed for majority time yet again.  Since I also had school teachers testify, I got majority time during the school year.  (Stunning how the school's testimony seemed to get more traction from the court than my year-round accounts.)  After that the obstruction subsided and we finished out the final 6 years of the order with minimal issues.  He's now aged out of the court system.

So let's ponder your situation.  Not much we can do about the court's scheduling at this time.  Perhaps try to make your first hearing highlight how disadvantaged without basis you were as a parent.  Her claimed "parent in possession" status was only based on a couple weeks after separation.

The time she is allowing you, however brief, is she requiring it be supervised in any way?  If so, that won't be the case once court gets involved.  Typically the worst case scenario is that the court may allow a supervised status for a few weeks until CPS or children's services can report back to the court whether they have any concerns.  Supervised visitation is only when there is substantive indication of child abuse, neglect or endangerment.

Right now you're stuck in a defensive stance.  Your stbEx will try to keep it that way.  (You know how many competitive games are won by teams playing just Defense and ignoring Offense, right?)  We're here to help you implement proactive strategies.

While I agree you're more or less stuck right now, what can be done preparing for court?  If your ex does claim she doesn't trust you as parent and wants supervised, how will your lawyer be proactive?  One response would be that you were fine to live with until she left.  Kind of weak, though.  If the court wants to limit you severely such as with supervised until you're vetted by CPS, see if you can get both parents scrutinized by CPS or children's services.  That is a huge weakness of most early orders where too often only one parent is scrutinized.

Similarly, if you want her to have a Psych Eval, you may more likely get it if you ask for both parents to get a Psych Eval.  In addition, your lawyer has to be careful about how the results are released.  (My story, both of us were ordered to take psych evals, I complied, I had "anxiety", I shared results, but to this day over 14 years later all I got from her side was crickets.)  I recommend your lawyer be proactive and strategic, "To ex's lawyer, we have dad's psych eval results, please advise when your client's results are available and we will exchange them and share them with the court."

One problem is that those temporary orders are not so temporary for us.  Our divorce cases too often last a year, two years, sometimes longer.  That's not every temporary.  And apparently courts and lawyers are very reluctant to fix temp orders midstream.  So try your best to get the "least bad" temp order possible, you'll probably have it for longer than even your lawyer imagines.  (Mine estimated 7-9 months and it was nearly two years.)

My lawyer was experienced but didn't like using any medial terms.  He usually called her crazy but when he was really frustrated he called her F* Nuts and another time he said she was sociopathic and could pass a lie detector.  We he on the level of William Eddy, author of our essential SPLITTING handbook?  No, but he was close enough.  Like most courts and lawyers, he was content to make gradual incremental tweaks to the parental custody and time schedule.  I guess it's the "let's try the least amount of fix (or rock the status quo) to see whether it works" concept.  Like many others, I too returned a few times to court to eventually obtain an order with a good-enough outcome.

Court may not care for you to, as they view it, "play doctor".  Yes, you lived with her for years but they don't think you're a qualified authority.  Court and it's experts generally are not concerned about seeking a diagnosis of a person's mental illness.  If there's a diagnosis, great, but it often takes second chair to their favorite approach, hearing evidence of documented poor behaviors.

Try to avoid claims of "he always..." and "she always..." since that can be heard as hearsay and largely ignored.  Bring with you your logs, calendars, emails, etc which can remain private if you wish but you can reference them for details of specific incidents.  That is documentation.  However, incidents older than six months are often ignored unless presented to document a behavior pattern.

Your situation sounds like it was a nightmare. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I commend you for staying strong and refusing to give up. That's unbelievable that you were never "paid back" for all of that missed time and that the magistrate agreed to let her take that vacation. That's proof that the legal system in our country is extremely flawed. I'm glad that getting his school involved helped you make some additional progress later on.

I'm at a point now where a small part of me feels so wronged that I acknowledge that it'd be "easier" to give up. However, I promised myself I'd fight this with everything I have, and am committed to doing so.

You're exactly right - she was only the possessing parent because she took our child without my knowledge or consent, and since that happened, she's refused to give me regular access to her. If the magistrate has any common sense, I should get a 50/50 temporary order. That may be a big "if" though.

My time with my child at this point is limited, but it's not supervised. My wife has no grounds to allege any concerns about me as a parent and hasn't raised any concerns about that yet, but I obviously wouldn't be surprised if she fabricates something at some point in the process, especially if I start to gain some momentum.

Great tip about the psych eval and making sure that both sides disclose. I'm hoping we'll push for a psych eval ASAP, but part of me is concerned that my wife will be able to con her way to a decent eval, which could hurt my case in the long run.

Both sides currently are pushing for a guardian ad litem, and I know that'll be a crucial part of our case.

I'm fully prepared emotionally for this to be a long battle, and as you alluded to, I'm therefore very concerned about the initial temporary order. As bad as this is right now, I can't imagine how I'd feel if this continued (with the court's permission) for another year or two.

[ForeverDad]

GAL - Guardian ad Litem - is often a lawyer with perhaps mental health experience.  Years ago, not sure what it is today, it was said many GALs were new lawyers because the experienced professionals didn't make enough money doing it.  So not just any GAL will be qualified for a case with protracted conflict.  There is a risk the GAL could be inexperienced, gullible or biased.

My lawyer didn't ask for a GAL until the time I went back seeking custody.  She was inexpensive but good, yet her qualifications were apparently aiding child delinquents in court.  We used her twice.  When seeking custody she agreed but wanted ex to keep equal time so ex could get child support.  (When I said I wished she'd get married — I had heard of at least two boyfriends — the GAL bluntly said "no one will marry her".  She got it.  However, the conflict didn't decrease after I got custody, my ex was still too entitled.  So back to court to try for majority time yet again.  This time the GAL didn't play footsie, nor did the school.  I got majority though the magistrate limited it to the school year.  So weird, school had more impact than my year-round documentation.

For me a psych evaluation was a couple hours interview and testing — by a grad student at the county mental health facility.  So wow, I had anxiety, I already knew that.   So view the psych eval as a quickie indicator, an overview that may help and not the final word.

What your stbEx is less likely to fool is an in-depth custody evaluation which can take up to a few months by a (hopefully) professional psychologist or similarly qualified.  There will be multiple interviews with the parents separately and also with the children.  There are also mental health questionnaires such as the MMPI-2 or the newer MMPI-3 which are designed to outwit even the master manipulators.  My CE was a child psychologist who also taught at the local university.  My lawyer said he was so respected that the court had never gone against his recommendations, in lawyer's words, treated him like god.

Again, not just any custody evaluator can handle a high conflict matter.  The CE can make — or break — a case.

[kells76]

Between now and whenever that hearing takes place, my attorney has been able to negotiate for me to see my daughter a little bit here and there. I got 12 hours this past week (three separate visits), but don't have anything scheduled yet for this coming week. And my wife has a two week vacation coming up where she's fully planning on taking our daughter with her, and my attorney is just letting it happen.

My attorney has told me that we have zero leverage right now, because my wife was the one in "possession" when the divorce was filed. My attorney said that this will make my wife look bad and unstable in the eyes of the court when it comes time for our trial, so this should benefit me in the long run, but that she's not legally obligated to let me see my daughter at all between now and whenever the temporary order is in place.

Run this by your L, but...

what if you started not asking your W "can I please see D tomorrow at 4", but "announcing" "hey, I'll be by tomorrow at 4 to pick up D". Don't do this randomly, but do it on a schedule... "as if" it were 50/50 time, or something similarly regular/scheduled. That puts you in the "offensive" position of "we are cooperative coparents, right?" and could potentially put her in the double bind of either agreeing to it (which benefits you, because you document that she is fine with you and D spending time together), or fighting it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME., which can't be a good look to fight a regular schedule for D.

Does that make sense? That could be a win win, where if you see D, then great, that establishes a new status quo, but if W withholds her, and you document that you had a reasonable schedule and attempted to pick up D, then the problem is with W's unreasonableness.

Check with your L, but if he's taking a "negotiate for time and wait for the hearing" approach, be straight with him: "are we doing this to get a record of W's unreasonableness?" and consider pitching this idea, or something more fitting to your situation. Again, you're not being crazy, extreme, or unpredictable (no schedule for picking up D, trying to pick up every day/multiple times a day, etc) -- you're acting "as if" there were 50-50 already, and so W either has to go along with it or look obstructive.

Hope this idea helps, or sparks some other ideas;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Court supported holiday schedules and vacation policies can usually be found at the local courts, probably online.  Typically the holidays are alternated between parents and the the schedule is reversed the next year.  So over the course of two years each parent gets one of each holiday.

Odds are you and your stbEx don't celebrate all of those holidays since they list can include many events for multiple religions.  When that is implemented, be sure to have the holidays reduced to what the two parents really do celebrate.  Why?  To avoid possible sabotage of your plans, however unlikely.  My story, I had planned a quick one week vacation during the last week of the year between the holidays.  When I gave my ex the advance notice (not a request for permission, by the way) my ex claimed Kwanzaa, something we'd never before observed.  When it came up during court testimony she claimed though she wasn't of Jewish descent she wanted to observe it.  Since it's for African-Americans, my lawyer had a fun time quizzing her about Jewish Kwanzaa.

Courts expect parents to take "time away" or vacations, possibly even stay-cations.  So don't overreact if your stbEx wants to take a vacation, just make sure you notify her you will seek the very same rights during this pending period or explicitly in your order once issued.  I say this because my temp order - just "temporary" of course - was so brief it never mentioned vacations or holidays.

Courts allow two or three weeks of vacation time each calendar year.  With half the year gone, be sure to get your vacations too.  Be aware that typically there are advance notice requirements so each parent can make plans in the months to come.  For this year you may need your temp order to grant flexibility on advance notice requirements.

Typically the total for the year is limited to two or three weeks.  Some states say each vacation is limited to one week, some allow up to two weeks at a time.  Likely the details are listed online or at the court, with your orders listing any variance to the published details.

The order of precedence or priority is this:  (1) holidays (2) vacations (3) parenting schedule.

I suspect she hasn't thought through that you too can schedule vacations, not just her?  Remember, it's a notice, not a request.  All you have to do is meet the county's or court order's requirements.

Did your lawyer mention to you that you as the other parent should have an equal right to take a vacation with your child during this pending period just like she's planning?  If he were my lawyer, he'd be grinning and rubbing his hands in glee at the idea despite admitting that as entitled "parent in possession" she might resist enabling the starting exchange.  (On second thought, he might not display glee but be diplomatic trying not to antagonize the other side too much.)

[livednlearned]

Really good advice from FD and kells76.

My addition is only about how to handle the selection of the GAL. This person is going to carry a ton of weight in your case and I don't mean to offend anyone here, but in my state you just have to know how to breathe to become a GAL.

Ask around to find out reputations and how they're trained, who has credentials higher than high school diploma, maybe even ask the Clerk of Court for a list and go from there.

Then offer to be the person who selects three of them, giving your ex the choice of one from those three. Have a date for when she selects, and if she hasn't by that date, then you will decide.

Her choices are not going to be in your favor, and she's going to stonewall within an inch of her life. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself here -- it's just so important in our cases and it isn't the kind of thing an attorney will tell you, to your detriment in both expense and emotional distress.

Same thing with the custody eval/psyche eval. Tell your L that you want the MMPI-3 or whatever it's now called, and interview the best people for the job. That test (survey instrument) is hard to fool -- if you try to game it, it's possible to create a result that describes the test taker as "presenting falsely." Which honestly might carry more weight than an actual dx.

[defogging]

Great advice above, I can add my experience to this and a suggestion.

When I filed, my lawyer STRONGLY advised that I be assertive about parenting time.  In his words - You're not ASKING to see the kids, you are asserting to her that your kids need their Dad and you deserve time with them as an EQUAL parent.  The direction he gave me was to communicate with her (in writing) explicitly stating the times that I would like to have the kids, and start the negotiation.  And don't stop, keep sending her texts and reminding her to respond.  She ended up cooperating with this.  I knew she had a lawyer too, and I can guarantee that her lawyer was advising behind the scenes that she needs to respond and appear cooperative.  It looks really bad in court if one parent withholds the child from the other.  I do remember my lawyer arguing for me in emails, accusing my ex of acting as a "gatekeeper" to the children.  It got the attention of her lawyer pretty quick.

If I didn't follow my lawyer's advice and had let my ex control the situation, I can also guarantee she wouldn't have allowed me to see the kids.  Your wife throwing out the option of "supervised" visits sounds completely unreasonable.  She is not in any position to determine whether or not your time with the kids needs to be supervised, that needs to be determined by the courts.  I hope you are documenting all of this, it could be valuable.

Honestly, one of the biggest favors my lawyer did for me was showing me that I have the right to stand up to my ex.  He not only navigated the legal landscape for me, he reminded me of all my basic human rights that I had been denied for years.

My suggestion - If you have uncertainty about what your attorney is recommending, at least go back and talk to the other two.  Your attorney doesn't need to know you did this, but you need to have the information.  My attorney mentioned emergency motions several times, so I know this exists.  I've never heard of 'possession' of a child provoking any kind of legal right to prevent the other parent from having time with them.

[yeeter]

Outstanding advice here.

On the GAL:  one idea, is to do some research and find one with psychology background and experienced and well respected.  Then when the time comes for temporary stipulation, add that name to the stipulation as agreed upon GAL.  Have a couple choices so she can control the specific one.

But this way will eliminate the risk that you get a complete unknown, that may or may not have a clue (and many GAL's are not mental health background... they are just lawyers).

In the long run this might be a helpful clarification and one that she agrees to, and that agreement is in the temp stipulation.

Temporary orders are nothing even close to temporary.  And lawyers dont always tell you the reality of it all.  Since they are learning along the way just how contentious and difficult a person/case it is.   But it is quite likely you will end up with whatever you can get, for a long time.

I did consult multiple attorneys, even after selecting which I would go with.  I wanted a reality check and got that.  They were useful and sometimes threw something out that when I took it back to my primary attorney we added in (only for it to be unsuccessful anyway).  But what you can get from the initial consultations is somewhat limited, because it doesnt consider the specific here/now detailed constraints of the case.  For example, they will say  you can expect xyz... .but that may not be actionable.  It might be true long term.  And your attorney should know that.  If an emergency hearing is a possibility just discuss it with your attorney, they will know what is possible.  And the pros/cons of pursuing it.

Your best bet by far, imo, is to keep your own emotions in check and remain calm and level headed and use whatever skill you have to negotiate directly with your wife for time.  Also if there are avenues to engage with her family and friends to support your involvement with your child then use those also (most people believe children benefit from both parents remaining in the childs life).  It wont be fair.  You wont get what you deserve.  You will have to live with it for a long time.  It sucks. There is very limited help, but do take care of your own emotional health so that you do not become distraught by the unfairness of it all.

Sorry to be blunt but I wish someone would have told me those expectations earlier on, instead of painting more positive rosier pictures and 'hoping' it doesnt turn out that way.

Even the lawyers believe they have dealt with 'difficult' clients before.  But these type of cases are past the 'usual' difficult personality scale.  And all involved need time to figure that out, unfortunately. 

[alleyesonme]

GAL - Guardian ad Litem - is often a lawyer with perhaps mental health experience.  Years ago, not sure what it is today, it was said many GALs were new lawyers because the experienced professionals didn't make enough money doing it.  So not just any GAL will be qualified for a case with protracted conflict.  There is a risk the GAL could be inexperienced, gullible or biased.

My lawyer didn't ask for a GAL until the time I went back seeking custody.  She was inexpensive but good, yet her qualifications were apparently aiding child delinquents in court.  We used her twice.  When seeking custody she agreed but wanted ex to keep equal time so ex could get child support.  (When I said I wished she'd get married — I had heard of at least two boyfriends — the GAL bluntly said "no one will marry her".  She got it.  However, the conflict didn't decrease after I got custody, my ex was still too entitled.  So back to court to try for majority time yet again.  This time the GAL didn't play footsie, nor did the school.  I got majority though the magistrate limited it to the school year.  So weird, school had more impact than my year-round documentation.

For me a psych evaluation was a couple hours interview and testing — by a grad student at the county mental health facility.  So wow, I had anxiety, I already knew that.   So view the psych eval as a quickie indicator, an overview that may help and not the final word.

What your stbEx is less likely to fool is an in-depth custody evaluation which can take up to a few months by a (hopefully) professional psychologist or similarly qualified.  There will be multiple interviews with the parents separately and also with the children.  There are also mental health questionnaires such as the MMPI-2 or the newer MMPI-3 which are designed to outwit even the master manipulators.  My CE was a child psychologist who also taught at the local university.  My lawyer said he was so respected that the court had never gone against his recommendations, in lawyer's words, treated him like god.

Again, not just any custody evaluator can handle a high conflict matter.  The CE can make — or break — a case.

Thank you for all of the info about GAL's, psych evals and CE's. I'll keep all of this in mind.

My understanding is that the GAL's recommendation where we live will be extremely impactful with the judge, so selecting the right GAL will be crucial.

In your experience, which one carried more weight - the GAL or the CE?

[alleyesonme]

Run this by your L, but...

what if you started not asking your W "can I please see D tomorrow at 4", but "announcing" "hey, I'll be by tomorrow at 4 to pick up D". Don't do this randomly, but do it on a schedule... "as if" it were 50/50 time, or something similarly regular/scheduled. That puts you in the "offensive" position of "we are cooperative coparents, right?" and could potentially put her in the double bind of either agreeing to it (which benefits you, because you document that she is fine with you and D spending time together), or fighting it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME., which can't be a good look to fight a regular schedule for D.

Does that make sense? That could be a win win, where if you see D, then great, that establishes a new status quo, but if W withholds her, and you document that you had a reasonable schedule and attempted to pick up D, then the problem is with W's unreasonableness.

Check with your L, but if he's taking a "negotiate for time and wait for the hearing" approach, be straight with him: "are we doing this to get a record of W's unreasonableness?" and consider pitching this idea, or something more fitting to your situation. Again, you're not being crazy, extreme, or unpredictable (no schedule for picking up D, trying to pick up every day/multiple times a day, etc) -- you're acting "as if" there were 50-50 already, and so W either has to go along with it or look obstructive.

Hope this idea helps, or sparks some other ideas;

kells76

That's an awesome idea, and I'll run that by my L immediately. The one logistical issue is that my wife is currently 2-3 hours away from where I live, and she'll refuse to drive halfway more than every now and then. But yes, I can still propose making the drive myself to get my daughter, and what will likely happen is my wife will refuse and then look worse in the eyes of the court.

Our attorneys currently have a loose agreement between now and the temporary hearing where I get my daughter anywhere from 3-13 hours per week, as that was all my wife would agree to. My wife has complied with that for the most part, but when I've tried to extend or increase that at all, she's refused. I have all of that in writing.

Your approach would further confirm just how unreasonable she's being. Thank you for the tip!

[alleyesonme]

Court supported holiday schedules and vacation policies can usually be found at the local courts, probably online.  Typically the holidays are alternated between parents and the the schedule is reversed the next year.  So over the course of two years each parent gets one of each holiday.

Odds are you and your stbEx don't celebrate all of those holidays since they list can include many events for multiple religions.  When that is implemented, be sure to have the holidays reduced to what the two parents really do celebrate.  Why?  To avoid possible sabotage of your plans, however unlikely.  My story, I had planned a quick one week vacation during the last week of the year between the holidays.  When I gave my ex the advance notice (not a request for permission, by the way) my ex claimed Kwanzaa, something we'd never before observed.  When it came up during court testimony she claimed though she wasn't of Jewish descent she wanted to observe it.  Since it's for African-Americans, my lawyer had a fun time quizzing her about Jewish Kwanzaa.

Courts expect parents to take "time away" or vacations, possibly even stay-cations.  So don't overreact if your stbEx wants to take a vacation, just make sure you notify her you will seek the very same rights during this pending period or explicitly in your order once issued.  I say this because my temp order - just "temporary" of course - was so brief it never mentioned vacations or holidays.

Courts allow two or three weeks of vacation time each calendar year.  With half the year gone, be sure to get your vacations too.  Be aware that typically there are advance notice requirements so each parent can make plans in the months to come.  For this year you may need your temp order to grant flexibility on advance notice requirements.

Typically the total for the year is limited to two or three weeks.  Some states say each vacation is limited to one week, some allow up to two weeks at a time.  Likely the details are listed online or at the court, with your orders listing any variance to the published details.

The order of precedence or priority is this:  (1) holidays (2) vacations (3) parenting schedule.

I suspect she hasn't thought through that you too can schedule vacations, not just her?  Remember, it's a notice, not a request.  All you have to do is meet the county's or court order's requirements.

Did your lawyer mention to you that you as the other parent should have an equal right to take a vacation with your child during this pending period just like she's planning?  If he were my lawyer, he'd be grinning and rubbing his hands in glee at the idea despite admitting that as entitled "parent in possession" she might resist enabling the starting exchange.  (On second thought, he might not display glee but be diplomatic trying not to antagonize the other side too much.)

Thank you for all of the tips and warnings about potential pitfalls. Your Kwanzaa story is hilarious!

My understanding is that right now, she's the only one that can take our daughter on a vacation and I can't. Once the temporary custody order is implemented, that will obviously change, but it's beyond unfair that I can't do it now. My hunch is that the issue is that none of the visitation that's happening right now is legally binding, so my wife would just refuse to let me go on a vacation with my daughter, and would treat it as me being the unreasonable one if I attempted to do it without notifying her. 

[alleyesonme]

Really good advice from FD and kells76.

My addition is only about how to handle the selection of the GAL. This person is going to carry a ton of weight in your case and I don't mean to offend anyone here, but in my state you just have to know how to breathe to become a GAL.

Ask around to find out reputations and how they're trained, who has credentials higher than high school diploma, maybe even ask the Clerk of Court for a list and go from there.

Then offer to be the person who selects three of them, giving your ex the choice of one from those three. Have a date for when she selects, and if she hasn't by that date, then you will decide.

Her choices are not going to be in your favor, and she's going to stonewall within an inch of her life. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself here -- it's just so important in our cases and it isn't the kind of thing an attorney will tell you, to your detriment in both expense and emotional distress.

Same thing with the custody eval/psyche eval. Tell your L that you want the MMPI-3 or whatever it's now called, and interview the best people for the job. That test (survey instrument) is hard to fool -- if you try to game it, it's possible to create a result that describes the test taker as "presenting falsely." Which honestly might carry more weight than an actual dx.

Great tips here. One thing my attorney has definitely been on the ball about is how important the GAL selection is and all of the variables to consider when selecting the GAL.

I mentioned to my attorney the plan you suggested about presenting three GAL options to my wife, and then setting a deadline, so that's what we're planning to do.

When you say to interview the best people for the job, are you referring to the CE or the psych eval? And is the psych eval just a test given to each person, or is there an interview component to it as well?

[alleyesonme]

Great advice above, I can add my experience to this and a suggestion.

When I filed, my lawyer STRONGLY advised that I be assertive about parenting time.  In his words - You're not ASKING to see the kids, you are asserting to her that your kids need their Dad and you deserve time with them as an EQUAL parent.  The direction he gave me was to communicate with her (in writing) explicitly stating the times that I would like to have the kids, and start the negotiation.  And don't stop, keep sending her texts and reminding her to respond.  She ended up cooperating with this.  I knew she had a lawyer too, and I can guarantee that her lawyer was advising behind the scenes that she needs to respond and appear cooperative.  It looks really bad in court if one parent withholds the child from the other.  I do remember my lawyer arguing for me in emails, accusing my ex of acting as a "gatekeeper" to the children.  It got the attention of her lawyer pretty quick.

If I didn't follow my lawyer's advice and had let my ex control the situation, I can also guarantee she wouldn't have allowed me to see the kids.  Your wife throwing out the option of "supervised" visits sounds completely unreasonable.  She is not in any position to determine whether or not your time with the kids needs to be supervised, that needs to be determined by the courts.  I hope you are documenting all of this, it could be valuable.

Honestly, one of the biggest favors my lawyer did for me was showing me that I have the right to stand up to my ex.  He not only navigated the legal landscape for me, he reminded me of all my basic human rights that I had been denied for years.

My suggestion - If you have uncertainty about what your attorney is recommending, at least go back and talk to the other two.  Your attorney doesn't need to know you did this, but you need to have the information.  My attorney mentioned emergency motions several times, so I know this exists.  I've never heard of 'possession' of a child provoking any kind of legal right to prevent the other parent from having time with them.

Thank you for sharing.

Based on my conversations with my attorney, it seems like my wife's attorney completely realizes how unreasonable she's being, but there's only so much she can do about it. My attorney has assured me that everything my wife has done and continues to do will hurt her in the long run.

I tried early in the process to assert my right to parenting time with my wife, but all she would agree to was every now and then and it had to be at her parents' house. No matter what I've said, she's refused to budge whenever we've discussed it directly.

Once the lawyers got involved, I was able to get a little bit more time, but my hunch is that my wife is refusing to follow her lawyer's advice to be more cooperative.

Regarding the "possession" issue, it doesn't necessarily prevent me from seeing my daughter, but it does give my wife the "right" to determine if or when I see her. This obviously makes my wife look terrible in the eyes of the court in the long run, but it doesn't seem like there's anything I can do about it in the meantime.

Since my last post, I had a detailed conversation with my attorney about whether or not we should file an emergency motion, so I feel a little better about the situation now. From what he said, the only way it'll be granted is if you can prove that the child is in real and present danger, such as current physical/sexual abuse, drug use by the parent, extreme neglect, etc. He told me that since none of these are true, filing the motion would only make me look bad in the eyes of the court.

[alleyesonme]

Outstanding advice here.

On the GAL:  one idea, is to do some research and find one with psychology background and experienced and well respected.  Then when the time comes for temporary stipulation, add that name to the stipulation as agreed upon GAL.  Have a couple choices so she can control the specific one.

But this way will eliminate the risk that you get a complete unknown, that may or may not have a clue (and many GAL's are not mental health background... they are just lawyers).

In the long run this might be a helpful clarification and one that she agrees to, and that agreement is in the temp stipulation.

Temporary orders are nothing even close to temporary.  And lawyers dont always tell you the reality of it all.  Since they are learning along the way just how contentious and difficult a person/case it is.   But it is quite likely you will end up with whatever you can get, for a long time.

I did consult multiple attorneys, even after selecting which I would go with.  I wanted a reality check and got that.  They were useful and sometimes threw something out that when I took it back to my primary attorney we added in (only for it to be unsuccessful anyway).  But what you can get from the initial consultations is somewhat limited, because it doesnt consider the specific here/now detailed constraints of the case.  For example, they will say  you can expect xyz... .but that may not be actionable.  It might be true long term.  And your attorney should know that.  If an emergency hearing is a possibility just discuss it with your attorney, they will know what is possible.  And the pros/cons of pursuing it.

Your best bet by far, imo, is to keep your own emotions in check and remain calm and level headed and use whatever skill you have to negotiate directly with your wife for time.  Also if there are avenues to engage with her family and friends to support your involvement with your child then use those also (most people believe children benefit from both parents remaining in the childs life).  It wont be fair.  You wont get what you deserve.  You will have to live with it for a long time.  It sucks. There is very limited help, but do take care of your own emotional health so that you do not become distraught by the unfairness of it all.

Sorry to be blunt but I wish someone would have told me those expectations earlier on, instead of painting more positive rosier pictures and 'hoping' it doesnt turn out that way.

Even the lawyers believe they have dealt with 'difficult' clients before.  But these type of cases are past the 'usual' difficult personality scale.  And all involved need time to figure that out, unfortunately. 

Thank you. Regarding the GAL, my attorney is currently doing some homework about who would be the best fit for me. The issue is that, despite being a raging monster to me, my wife can be quite charming to a complete stranger. So if we select a man due to a greater likelihood of him siding with the father, it's possible that my wife may sway him. On the other hand, selecting a woman may backfire if she has inherent biases in favor of the mother.

Love your tip about trying to get one with a psychology background.

When you consulted with other attorneys even after selecting one, did those other attorneys know that you were already being represented? And if so, did you worry about that getting back to your attorney? My concern is that I live in a small town, so there's a realistic chance that it'll get back to my lawyer and it could then blow up in my face.

Long story here, but I've come to realize in the past 1-2 years that the majority of my wife's family is just as crazy as she is. Aside from one person, I think the rest of them fully believe that what she's doing is justified and fair, and that I just need to deal with it. And the one person that would realize how unfair this is has zero pull with my wife. Still worth reaching out to her, though, just in case, so I'll look into doing that.

Thank you for the tips about how to handle all of this. I never, ever thought I'd let myself get into this position, and it's my worst nightmare. I'm doing everything I can to hang in there. We do have our temporary hearing in a month, so I'm hoping that the momentum really turns at that point.

[livednlearned]

When you say to interview the best people for the job, are you referring to the CE or the psych eval? And is the psych eval just a test given to each person, or is there an interview component to it as well?

The CE or custody evaluation typically involves a professional (usually a child psychologist) who conducts in-home interviews with both parents and a psych eval (also for both parties). It's kind of one-two punch. Good idea to ask your L how they've been done before where you live. We also have some material on CEs here.

[defogging]

Thank you for sharing.

Based on my conversations with my attorney, it seems like my wife's attorney completely realizes how unreasonable she's being, but there's only so much she can do about it. My attorney has assured me that everything my wife has done and continues to do will hurt her in the long run.

I tried early in the process to assert my right to parenting time with my wife, but all she would agree to was every now and then and it had to be at her parents' house. No matter what I've said, she's refused to budge whenever we've discussed it directly.

Once the lawyers got involved, I was able to get a little bit more time, but my hunch is that my wife is refusing to follow her lawyer's advice to be more cooperative.

Regarding the "possession" issue, it doesn't necessarily prevent me from seeing my daughter, but it does give my wife the "right" to determine if or when I see her. This obviously makes my wife look terrible in the eyes of the court in the long run, but it doesn't seem like there's anything I can do about it in the meantime.

Since my last post, I had a detailed conversation with my attorney about whether or not we should file an emergency motion, so I feel a little better about the situation now. From what he said, the only way it'll be granted is if you can prove that the child is in real and present danger, such as current physical/sexual abuse, drug use by the parent, extreme neglect, etc. He told me that since none of these are true, filing the motion would only make me look bad in the eyes of the court.

It sounds like you are on a good path with this.  The only advice I can share is document, document, document.  And don't be afraid to present all the evidence you have to the courts.  What I've found with my exPDw is I don't have to try very hard to get people to see her unreasonable behavior.  My ex behaves unreasonably a lot without being provoked, so I just let her do it and then let everyone see it.  If the judge sees the behavior they may not fix everything the way you like, but over time people will start trusting your word more than your wife's.  I certainly have found that to be the case with teachers and therapists.  (we settled in mediation so I ended up not presenting much in front of a judge)

[juju2]

Sorry you are going thru these hard things.
Alleyes.

A friend from work went thru custody, 6 yr old, they were fairly amicable. She(my friend) pointed out to the court that her ex wasn't with their child 50% of the time now, so how could he get joint, or shared custody (50% time w child).
That was a big thing the ex could not overcome...
I don't know what the father could have done different, prior to court, cause the mom was making the rules...and, whomever has the child more, gets more money from the other parent...

is she going to establish residency away from the baby's home.  That has to be discussed...she took off w the child without notice.  That is what happened.
She abandoned the family home and took your daughter from her home.

There has to be some cards you can play to tilt things toward you...the sooner you get more time with your daughter the better, it appears...

I don't know for sure am just sharing what I saw happen in one recent case.

Best wishes

juju

[ForeverDad]

The closer you get to the initial hearing, the risk grows that a spouse desperate to gain or continue control of the abuser/victim narrative.  You will find out in due time how controlling or entitled or determined your spouse is.  If you can be as prepared and proactive as possible then your process will be "less bad" than otherwise.

The pattern with my ex was that about a week before a hearing she would make a new - but "unsubstantiated" - allegation apparently in the hope she would have something from an agency such as CPS, the hospital, police or sheriff deputies incident reports, etc, to wave in front of the judge to claim I was worse than her.

She was never told to stop the nonsense since that would hinder her from feeling free to file more allegations, one or more of which might theoretically or potentially be substantiated.

{Disclaimer: my perception of typical official atmosphere}
You don't dare discourage a whistleblower, not in DV, abuse, neglect or endangerment claims.

[MeandThee29]

The closer you get to the initial hearing, the risk grows that a spouse desperate to gain or continue control of the abuser/victim narrative.  You will find out in due time how controlling or entitled or determined your spouse is.  If you can be as prepared and proactive as possible then your process will be "less bad" than otherwise.

This is true as you approach any major milestone in the process. My attorney warned me, but I didn't quite believe it until it happened over and over. My ex's attorney would say "we're almost there" in an email, and mine would say "wait and see" to me. And instead of agreeing, there would be something else added to prolong the process. What should have been simple wasn't.

[kells76]

A friend from work went thru custody, 6 yr old, they were fairly amicable. She(my friend) pointed out to the court that her ex wasn't with their child 50% of the time now, so how could he get joint, or shared custody (50% time w child).
That was a big thing the ex could not overcome...
I don't know what the father could have done different, prior to court

While I think we've hit this from another angle in this thread, juju brings up something to think about. We've discussed documentation -- how crucial it is that every interaction with your D's mom is recorded via email, text, or other written format.

Consider adding another layer to your documentation of "I was completely available to spend time with D, and tried to pick her up/emailed xW to coordinate/etc, and I could have done it, but xW was uncooperative"... where that layer has #'s of days/hours that you would have been available... that add up to 50% of the time.

Does that make sense?

Then xW can't claim in court "he never did 50% after D and I moved out, how could he do 50% now" -- the answer, documented, is that you recorded in emails that you had 50% time available and even drove to pick up D (or whatever)... but it was xW obstructing.

Emails might look like "Hi xW, hope you're staying healthy. I will be in the McDonald's parking lot at 3pm on Friday to pick up D in YourTown; I'll have her back at HalfwayPoint on Monday at 10am so you can pick her up. Best, AEOM". Or, "Hi xW, hope all is well. I'll pick up D at 3pm on Friday in YourTown and have her back at Halfway next Friday at 3pm. I'll make sure to have my phone on me. Cheers, AEOM"

Something where it's really clear that all your proposals are for 50/50... because you have 50/50 available. So she can't make the claim juju's friend had to deal with -- "you never did 50/50 so you shouldn't have it now".

I guess this is basically a more detailed version of what we talked about either earlier in this thread, or in your other one -- act "as if" xW were going to cooperate with a PP... so it's on her if you don't get time with your D, and she's shooting herself in the foot.

[defogging]

This is true as you approach any major milestone in the process. My attorney warned me, but I didn't quite believe it until it happened over and over. My ex's attorney would say "we're almost there" in an email, and mine would say "wait and see" to me. And instead of agreeing, there would be something else added to prolong the process. What should have been simple wasn't.

The closer you get to the initial hearing, the risk grows that a spouse desperate to gain or continue control of the abuser/victim narrative.  You will find out in due time how controlling or entitled or determined your spouse is.  If you can be as prepared and proactive as possible then your process will be "less bad" than otherwise.

I think these examples show how important it is to have a proactive attorney who is not afraid to go on the offensive.  This is one way that my attorney was very helpful.  Any attempts at stalling or playing victim by my exPDw were quickly squashed.  My attorney would keep pushing forward, and reminded opposing counsel of upcoming court deadlines that we would hold them to. 

In the beginning, he requested a hearing in front of the judge since exPDw and her lawyer had been dragging their feet on submitting financial disclosures, while also attempting to withhold the kids from me.  I remember listening to the phone conference between the judge and attorneys, it got pretty heated.  The judge denied the hearing, and forced us to go to mediation first.  However, it sent a very clear message to the other side that we were moving forward and the games needed to stop.  The result was one mediation session, and a complete settlement within 5 hours.  I was totally floored at the time.  It happened because we went on offense instead of playing defense.

It continues today as well.  The current situation is that my exPDw's behavior has been pretty well neutralized, but she keeps acting out.  When there is an issue, my lawyer contacts her lawyer and the behavior stops.  There are currently a couple issues on the table where my exPDw has been warned that if it happens again we will take action to remove some of her decision making rights.  My lawyer has turned this into a situation where the other side is playing defense now.  The emails I have seen from her lawyer have zero accusations against me, they are mainly attempts to minimize my exPDw's behavior.

[livednlearned]

It might be worth asking your L point blank how he deals with stonewalling and obstructing, since those are hallmarks of high-conflict cases, too.

Either he is giving your ex some rope to hang herself, or else he is overwhelmed by his case load and tolerating what he perceives to be manageable things to slide.

And if he is allowing things to slide, it might be because he knows how effective he is in court.

I'm a bit cynical at this point about attorneys because n/BPDx was one, so this is my cynicism speaking -- but I sense that narcissism is not uncommon in the legal profession. Especially with litigators. My ex was a former trial attorney and he sure loved the limelight.

If your L has those traits, it might help to phrase things carefully. "I know you're going to knock this out of the park in court, everyone has told me about your strength as a litigator. What's our plan for dealing with any stonewalling or obstructing tactics? She's going to do everything in her power to blow off scheduled hearings. How do you handle that when someone is trying to obstruct you like that?" 

[MeandThee29]

I think these examples show how important it is to have a proactive attorney who is not afraid to go on the offensive.  This is one way that my attorney was very helpful.  Any attempts at stalling or playing victim by my exPDw were quickly squashed.  My attorney would keep pushing forward, and reminded opposing counsel of upcoming court deadlines that we would hold them to.  

I agree with that. Mine did some pushing for sure and wouldn't let his disappear. His often just let things happen. Certainly there will be delays if both lawyers are in court a lot, but you don't want to let things sit around without an update. In my case a week without a response meant a push.

His didn't want to go to court with my ex, so we used that several times. The threat lit the fire to get it done because his lawyer knew that both of mine were prepared to go.

I met someone in a support group a few months back who hired an attorney who filed for divorce in December and then was wondering why it was April with no call-back. I was surprised that there was no ongoing communication and that she hadn't called or emailed the attorney. But that does happen.

[alleyesonme]

The CE or custody evaluation typically involves a professional (usually a child psychologist) who conducts in-home interviews with both parents and a psych eval (also for both parties). It's kind of one-two punch. Good idea to ask your L how they've been done before where you live. We also have some material on CEs here.

Thank you for the explanation and the link!

[alleyesonme]

It sounds like you are on a good path with this.  The only advice I can share is document, document, document.  And don't be afraid to present all the evidence you have to the courts.  What I've found with my exPDw is I don't have to try very hard to get people to see her unreasonable behavior.  My ex behaves unreasonably a lot without being provoked, so I just let her do it and then let everyone see it.  If the judge sees the behavior they may not fix everything the way you like, but over time people will start trusting your word more than your wife's.  I certainly have found that to be the case with teachers and therapists.  (we settled in mediation so I ended up not presenting much in front of a judge)

Thank you for the tips here. I'm documenting everything I can think of, but I'd rather have too much than too little.

Glad (in this context) that you're ex is showing her true colors to everyone else. Mine is off to a pretty rough start in that regard as well, but it'll be interesting to see if she attempts to straighten out a bit as this all unfolds. My attorney has told me that while what's currently happening is awful, this is all setting up very well for my case in the long run. I hope he's right!

[alleyesonme]

Sorry you are going thru these hard things.
Alleyes.

A friend from work went thru custody, 6 yr old, they were fairly amicable. She(my friend) pointed out to the court that her ex wasn't with their child 50% of the time now, so how could he get joint, or shared custody (50% time w child).
That was a big thing the ex could not overcome...
I don't know what the father could have done different, prior to court, cause the mom was making the rules...and, whomever has the child more, gets more money from the other parent...

is she going to establish residency away from the baby's home.  That has to be discussed...she took off w the child without notice.  That is what happened.
She abandoned the family home and took your daughter from her home.

There has to be some cards you can play to tilt things toward you...the sooner you get more time with your daughter the better, it appears...

I don't know for sure am just sharing what I saw happen in one recent case.

Best wishes

juju

Thank you for your support and for sharing.

That custody issue is something that I'm sure my wife will use against me, but I think we have a good plan to address that. In the long run, the vast majority of the facts in this case weigh in my favor, so I like my chances as everything progresses. That still doesn't make the current situation any easier or make the overall experience of having my fate in the legal system's hands any less scary.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345391.msg13115674#msg13115674

Thank you.