Separated and he made a MAJOR purchase behind my back

[Ccswim]

Hi all, my husband finally physically moved out little over a week ago on 6/6 for what we agreed was to be a therapeutic separation.  The move was like 2 months in the works, he took his time finding a place.  Also, during the in-house separation I found flirting on his phone which of course got flipped on me that he thought exclusive just meant no sleeping w anyone and myself and the therapist weren't clear enough.  Another side note, he's had 2 affairs.   We have not agreed to file yet, though I think we should, but was giving this a try to not be too rash.  Side note, we have separated twice already and filed and withdrew once.

So, last week, a few days into a week of total no contact we were doing, he purchased a Mercedes worth half of our savings.  He didn't pay cash, but after interest I shutter to think how much it will cost.  He didn't trade in his current nice truck or sell any recreational toys, he just bought it.  This actually was an issue a few months ago and rather than shoot it down immediately I tried to take the therapists advice and we tried to draft a budget we were comfortable with to afford it and we can't while saving at all or trying to have kids. 

He did it anyways the first chance he got during the seperation and hid it.  I found out bc our credit card sent an alert his credit score when down bc of the purchase.  When he came over this weekend as scheduled and I brought it up and as am sure you can imagine the whole thing got turned on me, hours long conversation on all the ways I've failed him and very little talk about the car.  But his justification is he deserves it, he works hard, he should be able to do whatever he wants.  The same old routine and him bringing up things I've tried to establish boundaries on. We make close to the same salary and he just spent half our money, it's not even like he's the sole breadwinner, which even in that case I still think it would not at all be OK. 
 
I know legally in the divorce I would get to make up for half its value in other ways, but it's all so insane and not at all OK.  And the most insane part is I ended up bawling at the end of our hours long talk, he comforted me, and we slept together.  I know I'm codependent and am working on that, but I need to do better.  And now hes chatting with me via text all chipper and normal and I feel like I need to shut it down but dont know how and don't want to do so via text.  I need to be stronger.  I rationally do not want to do any of this anymore.  I want a divorce, but I need to cut my emotional ties to him and habitual pleasing reactions. 

I guess any thoughts anyone has, my few friends I have left to talk about this stuff I think just pity me as being pathetic and dont understand why I have such a hard time leaving.  I rationally dont either.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ccswim, 


Thank you for sharing what's going on. Boy! It sounds like over the top stuff! How long have you been married? Sounds like you've had a rough time.

It isn't easy to leave someone you care for. I know this well and struggled like you. The bonds of connection are strong, and there are many reasons why we stay and keep trying. I was married for 35 years, so I truly get it. You're not pathetic for not leaving and struggling with the dysfunction. It is a life changing choice to do so. Can you tell me why you would stay and why would you go? I'm looking to see if you can grab onto a couple of thoughts to share.

You mentioned something about T. Do you go for yourself or as a couple?

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

 
Wools

[GaGrl]

This is so tough -- separated, yet not. No clear financial srparation, no clear boundariries. I'm so sorry. I've been there.

Here is what I hear...

 1) He took on a loan for an expensive vehicle. (Can you check to ensure he didn't forge anything to make you responsible for that debt?)

2) He claims a misunderstanding of your current separation status, and has had several affairs, yet you still have sex with him. (What protections do you need to ensure you are physically safe from STDs?)

What else is disturbing?

[Ccswim]

Thank you Wools, I appreciate the response.  We've been married 10 years, together for 12, I'm 32.  No kids, the plans for kids keep getting blown up by our dysfunction bc I keep wanting storms to pass before trying, and once the storm seems to pass theres another one.  He blames me strongly and hosts a lot or resentment over not having kids yet and does not see his part in that.  He says once we have kids he will stop acting out.  This is a major reason I want to divorce. 

I've gone regularly for 5 years, after begging him to do couples for a year to try to address our issues.  We have gone intermittently to couples for 3.5 years after discovery of the first affair.  He hates it and will only go back after a major blowout.  I used to think it was effective bc we'd get past the blowouts but I no longer think it is bc he doesn't absorb anything long term.

At this point I'm sure I want to leave, I can't live my entire life like this and want to have a more functional family environment for future kids.  I have stayed this long bc I've held onto hope, his words that things would change, and the minor action of going to couples therapy after major events, but he never did the therapy homework, readings, or anything to try to learn or address our/his issues.  So I feel like the evidence points to it's not likely to get much better and I cant accept things as they are, the emotional abuse especially.   I would only stay if there was long term, consistent improvement, which I no longer believe will happen.  My emotional response to him I think is just lingering bonds, codependence and wanting comfort, so that's where I know I need to stay more in my rational mind since I know that comfort in the moment will not help get me to where I want to go, which is moving forward without him.  Thanks again for reaching out!

[Ccswim]

Thank you GaGrl, I appreciate the response.  
1.  Yes, I did check and since he was trying to hide it from me seems it's all in his name.

2. I got tested after both affairs, I guess I never thought of regular protection bc I believed and still do, that he wasn't being physically unfaithful routinely.  He's actually pretty terrible at hiding these things, he does very obvious shutdown things and that's when I check the phone.  That's a good point though since now being physically separated, I don't plan to be intimate with him again but thank for pointing that out.

I put a little more background in my response to Wools as well.  It's basically been a rollercoaster and what's most disturbing is what had brought on the major lows.  It's been him either making major decisions without me or being unfaithful.  And the response to that, the gaslighting and deflection really made me lost for a while but now when I holistically look at our relationship I know the highs are not worth the lows.  I'm actually planning on asking him to file this weekend.  I'm just trying to plan how to try to make that go as smooth as possible.  Thanks again for reaching out!

[GaGrl]

Are your finances separated now?

[Ccswim]

Not yet, that's one thing I want to begin discussions on.  But we have some separate accounts created from when we filed in the past which is how he did the separate car loan.  But all our pay still goes to the joint.

[onthewater79]

I am continuously amazed how ppl w BPD lie to your face, again and again, about spending money behind one's back. I am struggling with the same, and have finally gotten to the point where I must cut him off of all my already ruined finances.

Sorry to hear about your struggles but you are definitely not alone on this board.

[GaGrl]

Not yet, that's one thing I want to begin discussions on.  But we have some separate accounts created from when we filed in the past which is how he did the separate car loan.  But all our pay still goes to the joint.

So the first thing to do is to get your direct deposit moved to a separate account. Move your portion of existing checking, savings, and investment funds into separate accounts. This is just financial hygiene so you can have further conversations on a more even basis.