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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Divorce nearing trial - feeling conflicted and sometimes hopeless  (Read 348 times)
why-how-whatnow
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« on: June 20, 2020, 06:02:20 PM »

Hello BPD family,
I've been reading for a couple of years now, and I'm so thankful for the good advice and discussion here. Before I found this site, I had no idea what BPD was, only what my uBPDw was like. It didn't help to save the relationship with my wife, but I was able to make some positive changes in myself that put me in a better position to improve the relationships with my daughters.

My 19yr marriage to an uBPDw is nearing an end. Trial is scheduled in 3wks and after two failed attempts at mediation, my lawyer is not expecting that we will resolve the case before trial. I filed papers late last year after she was arrested for DV when I called 911. It was the final straw for me - I was already seeing my daughters suffer in a home environment that "wasn't safe" emotionally, in their own words. I had already witnessed my oldest daughter begin struggling to cope with severe anxiety, due (at least in part) to Mom's "oversharing", and my younger daughters constantly caught in Mom's web of emotions. The posts here on the "Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD" board, along with numerous other online resources helped me to also see that I wasn't doing my kids any favors in glossing over Mom's behaviors by tolerating them without acknowledging how it affected our family. I was actually a little shocked to see how angry many of the members here were/are at their non-BPD parent for many of the same things I was doing (or not doing) myself. It helped me to understand the response I would often see from my daughters, even if they don't yet understand it themselves. Maybe if I'd stood up sooner to say NO to uBPDstbx and be a stable anchor for our kids, it would have been different. I saw conflict with her as detrimental to the kids, and tried to avoid it. When I finally did start to anchor myself and take a healthier position, it precipitated the final, even larger, blowups. Regardless, the arrest was my catalyst for taking action after many months of trying to improve the situation in my relationship with my wife.

As the legal process proceeds, I'm finding myself alternating between being really angry about the damage uBPDw has done and continues to do to our kids & finances, deeply sad about the end of our relationship & sad that she is incapable of seeking help, and seriously hopeless about the prospects of a court seeing through her narratives or having any capability to address the issues that are causing harm to our children. She is "high functioning" in the sense that she can put on a mask and be charming, rational, and seemingly concerned about our children. There are many things about her that are lovable, and endearing. Just as quickly, she can attack those closest to her at an emotional level, in a way that is catastrophic to a child, and fatal to an intimate relationship. Some insights into her relationship with her mother, both before and after the divorce began, only make it more difficult to be angry with her for her behaviors. I'm extremely sad for her, and feel like she is a victim to the circumstances of her childhood.  In the better years of our relationship, we shared a lot. Both good times and hard times. There is so much to mourn.

We have three daughters (11,13, & 18yrs). The enmeshment and alienation began with the oldest. On the surface, this seems to have begun when uBPDstbx started into an affair with a female neighbor in 2016 and shared most of this with my oldest daughter. In reality, the enmeshment aspect had been going on for significantly longer. I was just blind to it. And I didn't take the initiative to maintain, and continue growing, a relationship with our oldest daughter. Mom discouraged it verbally and emotionally, and I backed down. Hindsight is 20-20... I made huge mistakes, and I'm still paying for those.

These days, I've learned to recognize the triangulation that uBPD mom constantly tries to create, and sometimes, I can successfully disarm it. Other times, it is as disastrously effective at tearing rifts in my relationship with my daughters as it has always been... it's a long game, and I try to remember that. Our oldest daughter and I went through a period where she wouldn't even speak to me. Or if she did, I'd get Mom's sentiments broadcast to me from my daughter. More recently, she is still invested in "taking care of Mom", but we've managed to make some times where it is just me and my 18yo daughter. She calls me about college stuff, and for advice on her car. When we are together in those moments, she also talks non-stop about what is going on in her life. Other times, she doesn't answer any texts or phone calls. She wants to share with her Dad. She's not free to enjoy a relationship with me, but we're both taking advantage of the opportunities where she does feel safe doing that.

In the interest of not going on too long for an intro post, I'll end this here. Every day is a whip-saw from sad about things ending, to hope for a future without drama, to a feeling that my uBPDx may convince others of her skewed facts in court. I wish she could see that her worth as a mother is not measured by how much her daughters reject their father, and let go of her anger. I'm having a difficult time envisioning a future that is healthy for both me and our daughters if this continues throughout our lives.

Thank you for listening,
why-how-whatnow
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GaGrl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2020, 06:54:36 PM »

I'm so sorry you find yourself at this place. Many of us have been down the same path (whether with a BPD spouse or not).

What are the areas of a settlement agreement that are so contentious that your lawyer expects to go to trial -- parenting agreement? Property division? Other?

I can say that, after taking the peace-at-all-costs approach with his then-wife who is BPD/NPD, after he divorced he found his relationships with his children improved greatly. They were young adults and had been telling him for years to divorce her. I think you can really look forward to relationships with your daughters that will help them greatly.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
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« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2020, 10:47:04 PM »

Hi why-how-whatnow,

I was also kind of shocked by the hurt from members on the PSI board about "non" parents. I'm an only child of a parent with BPD.

Now I navigate separately with a mother who is "BPD-lite" yet there has been drama like DV and police involvement with the guy she left me for and married. In a sense, i feel like the c non parent.  Fortunately, no Parental alienation though criticisms i hear from the kids by proxy that she won't tell me. Your D18 is an adult, free to choose her own path. Where are you going from here?
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« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2020, 01:03:48 AM »

I'm finding myself alternating between being really angry about the damage uBPDw has done and continues to do to our kids & finances, deeply sad about the end of our relationship & sad that she is incapable of seeking help, and seriously hopeless about the prospects of a court seeing through her narratives or having any capability to address the issues that are causing harm to our children. She is "high functioning" in the sense that she can put on a mask and be charming, rational, and seemingly concerned about our children. There are many things about her that are lovable, and endearing. Just as quickly, she can attack those closest to her at an emotional level, in a way that is catastrophic to a child, and fatal to an intimate relationship.

You just described my exPDw and all the emotions I have gone through over the past year to a T.  We divorced in 2019, I filed in March, final in August.  I'll try to keep this short (because it could be a novel!)

Here is what I found:

Backstory: When I filed, I was scared out of my mind about what she would do to the kids (young kids).  The lion that I knew was tamed into a lamb quickly by my awesome attorney.  One mediation session and we settled everything, I was beyond shocked.  Three months of stalling by her lawyer, and then final papers were signed. 

Emotions:  I was angry at the beginning, and so ready to get out.  Angry about how she had treated me, the kids, and how she was destroying our lives.  After years of FOG, I had found my identity again and knew I would fight forever for my kids.  I also had immense fear about how charming she was.  I was so afraid she would charm the courts and take the kids away.  She was the high paid professional, super-mom, civic leader - in other peoples' eyes.  Behind closed doors she was the tormentor.  Only the kids' and I knew the reality, and the kids are too young to testify. 

Once the divorce was finalized and over, I literally went numb.  I had got what I wanted, 50/50 and equal rights on everything.  I spent days laying on the couch watching TV, just no energy to get up and do anything.  Mental or physical.  Totally not me, I'm a person that is always working on a project or out for a run.  I should have been happy, but I was numb.  Why?  I went through all the emotions you describe above, anger towards her, feeling sorry for her, and then feeling worried about the continued damage she can do to our kids.  Go through the cycle of emotions, then do it again, and again.  Looking back, I think I was ready for the battle of my life and then all of a sudden the enemy folded, and I had nowhere to spend my emotions on. 

I'm getting back to being me now, but slowly.  I believe survivors of abusive relationships experience C-PTSD, I've researched it and can tell you I've had the symptoms, though never diagnosed.  I can feel it shedding like a small layer of skin every day. 

The best advice I can give you is just allow yourself to experience your emotions, and be gentle on yourself.  You have dealt with A LOT.  You'll have some seriously off days, but know that it gets a little better every day.

The aftermath:  After all the fear I had about public opinion, and her swaying the opinions of professionals, my exPDw has done her best to prove herself crazy.  Our therapists and teachers don't say it out loud, but I know from their actions (and words) that they believe me more than her.  The PD can't fool everyone.  I've seen this time and again now. 

And I can tell you that my kids are 1,000x happier now that they have a house they can be themselves in 50% of the time.  There is no denying it.  They wear smiles on their faces 90% of the time, they're allowed to be kids, we talk smack back and forth.  They have discipline and rules here that are stable, but we also have a lot of fun.  The drama, tension, accusations...that's gone.  It's just love and freedom, and it's awesome.  I'm allowed to be a Dad now, and my kids love having a good Dad.

Regarding trial - Looking back now, I was so afraid of that at the time.  Now, bring it on.  The facade of the PD fades quickly once it's in the public light.  My advice would be to stay on the offensive, don't be afraid of trial, and make it clear that you expect to get what you deserve.  My experience is ongoing, and I may need to take my exPDw to trial to get her rights taken away at some point, based on her behavior.  But, I'm not afraid of it now.

Best of luck friend, and stay strong!

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Yeah, I'm just gonna keep moving...today, tomorrow, and the next
Marianne-11
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Relationship status: Preparing for divorce
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« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2020, 02:35:48 AM »


As the legal process proceeds, I'm finding myself alternating between being really angry about the damage uBPDw has done and continues to do to our kids & finances, deeply sad about the end of our relationship & sad that she is incapable of seeking help, and seriously hopeless about the prospects of a court seeing through her narratives or having any capability to address the issues that are causing harm to our children. She is "high functioning" in the sense that she can put on a mask and be charming, rational, and seemingly concerned about our children. There are many things about her that are lovable, and endearing. Just as quickly, she can attack those closest to her at an emotional level, in a way that is catastrophic to a child, and fatal to an intimate relationship. Some insights into her relationship with her mother, both before and after the divorce began, only make it more difficult to be angry with her for her behaviors. I'm extremely sad for her, and feel like she is a victim to the circumstances of her childhood.  In the better years of our relationship, we shared a lot. Both good times and hard times. There is so much to mourn.
...

Every day is a whip-saw from sad about things ending, to hope for a future without drama, to a feeling that my uBPDx may convince others of her skewed facts in court. I wish she could see that her worth as a mother is not measured by how much her daughters reject their father, and let go of her anger. I'm having a difficult time envisioning a future that is healthy for both me and our daughters if this continues throughout our lives.


Hi why-how-whatnow,

thank you for sharing and I am sorry you are going through such difficult times. I am also going through a divorce and can totally relate to your feelings. My STBX is also a high functioning person with BPD and socially extremely skillful and charming for outsiders. That makes it so confusing that why do we get so totally different behavior at home for no obvious reason. And then there were of course very good times in the relationship as well. But I am gradually accepting I might never get the answers I would need and that I cannot help somebody who does not want to seek help. Better to focus on the kids and myself and try to deal with the feeling so that one day life would be better.     

At one point my STBX and his mother even complained about me to the social workers for bad parenting when in fact the kids were relieved (although of course sad about the situation) that we had peace and finally also laughter and joy in our home after the other parent and his tensions and drama were no longer present. When we met with a social worker because of this complaint, the social worker saw what was going on and told me not to worry, this will not lead into any consequences. My STBX very clearly came to this meeting expecting that he and the social worker together would tell me what a bad parent, spouse and person I was, and that I would be "disciplined". He was furious that it did not happen.

Anyhow, being in the middle of divorce, I don't have much advice or wisdom to share. Just want to offer my support and let you know you're not alone. I am trying to cope by shifting my focus from the actions of the STBX to what is important to me, what do I want from life. Over the years I have lost connection to who I am and what do I want, so even some progress in this area gives me a bit of comfort and helps believe that one day things will be better. And at times when that is too much, I decided I will just focus on breathing (thanks to the good advice I received here). Wish you all the strength in the world to get through this time. It might be a long journey, but step by step and day by day. You are not alone.
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