Obsession and Triangulation - How to Deal?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, now my uHwBPD has become full-on delusional. We live in the city. He has always been a huge proponent of living in cities and supporting public transportation, etc. Suddenly, because of all the unrest, he has latched onto these theories circulating on his online message boards that there's some kind of mass exodus happening from cities and that our property value will go down. He's been obsessively texting me stories from his news sites that skew data to fit this narrative and convince me to move to a rural area. I have done my own searches on real estate sites and independent and mainstream sites and such and there is no such story anywhere. Yet, he is relentless. I've tried being validating by just saying things like, "I hear that you're worried. I haven't seen any data on realtor sites that seems to back up these claims," or "I can see you're alarmed. I want you to be able to feel safe, but it is not logical or feasible for us to move at this time. Is there another way I can be supportive?"

He's also roped my mother in, of all people, a woman he's disparaged and shredded and made cry in the past. He's usually not a fan of my mother, but suddenly she's now his greatest confidante. She says he's been texting her all kinds of stories about how the "liberal mob" is coming to get him because if his beliefs. We live in a very liberal area, so I imagine he looks around at all of our neighbors' signs and flags and things and sees a threat in his delusional mind. My mom and I are both lefties, so I'm not sure why he's trying to triangulate with her. Maybe he thinks he can flip her? I don't know. I keep coaching her to just validate him and stop being so available when he texts her. She's lucky in that she's in another state.

Meanwhile, he still hasn't done anything in the way of looking for work or tidying up. He says that he doesn't want to get a job only to have to flee the city in terror. He knows I will stop paying his bills next month, so I don't know what his plan is for that.

He mentioned yesterday that one of the best automotive schools in the country is located about two hours from us, apparently, in a small town. I said, "Well, it's only two hours away. You should look into it. Then, you could come back on the weekend if you wanted." He said, "Yeah, but I'd still have to pay a good amount of money every month for a place." I said, "Yeah, but since you're so worried about the city, maybe that would be worth it for peace of mind." He said that it seemed like I was eager to "get rid of" him. I dodge that one and said, "I just know you've been worried about living in the city. That's one solution." He said, "I'll look into it." I doubt he will, truthfully, unless he feels he has no way out, and even then, he probably wouldn't go through with it.

I want to avoid being harassed and bullied over this. What do I do? He has this way of haranguing me endlessly, even after I say I don't want to talk about it and ignore him. He won't stop until he latches onto something else or his anxiety subsides. I'm so tired of this. It never ends.

[WitzEndWife]

So, now my uHwBPD has become full-on delusional. We live in the city. He has always been a huge proponent of living in cities and supporting public transportation, etc. Suddenly, because of all the unrest, he has latched onto these theories circulating on his online message boards that there's some kind of mass exodus happening from cities and that our property value will go down. He's been obsessively texting me stories from his news sites that skew data to fit this narrative and convince me to move to a rural area. I have done my own searches on real estate sites and independent and mainstream sites and such and there is no such story anywhere. Yet, he is relentless. I've tried being validating by just saying things like, "I hear that you're worried. I haven't seen any data on realtor sites that seems to back up these claims," or "I can see you're alarmed. I want you to be able to feel safe, but it is not logical or feasible for us to move at this time. Is there another way I can be supportive?"

He's also roped my mother in, of all people, a woman he's disparaged and shredded and made cry in the past. He's usually not a fan of my mother, but suddenly she's now his greatest confidante. She says he's been texting her all kinds of stories about how the "liberal mob" is coming to get him because if his beliefs. We live in a very liberal area, so I imagine he looks around at all of our neighbors' signs and flags and things and sees a threat in his delusional mind. My mom and I are both lefties, so I'm not sure why he's trying to triangulate with her. Maybe he thinks he can flip her? I don't know. I keep coaching her to just validate him and stop being so available when he texts her. She's lucky in that she's in another state.

Meanwhile, he still hasn't done anything in the way of looking for work or tidying up. He says that he doesn't want to get a job only to have to flee the city in terror. He knows I will stop paying his bills next month, so I don't know what his plan is for that.

He mentioned yesterday that one of the best automotive schools in the country is located about two hours from us, apparently, in a small town. I said, "Well, it's only two hours away. You should look into it. Then, you could come back on the weekend if you wanted." He said, "Yeah, but I'd still have to pay a good amount of money every month for a place." I said, "Yeah, but since you're so worried about the city, maybe that would be worth it for peace of mind." He said that it seemed like I was eager to "get rid of" him. I dodge that one and said, "I just know you've been worried about living in the city. That's one solution." He said, "I'll look into it." I doubt he will, truthfully, unless he feels he has no way out, and even then, he probably wouldn't go through with it.

I want to avoid being harassed and bullied over this. What do I do? He has this way of haranguing me endlessly, even after I say I don't want to talk about it and ignore him. He won't stop until he latches onto something else or his anxiety subsides. I'm so tired of this. It never ends.

[formflier]

I don't think you should validate this stuff any more.

Perhaps try telling him you won't be listening to it..at all.

When he says you are trying to get rid of him, say "Yes...all these theories are incredibly tiring, especially when you are pursuing those theories rather than bringing in income.  I'm not doing this anymore."

What do you think he would do/say?

Wouldn't it feel good to be honest? (very different than being mean)

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

What are you going to do if he doesn't get a job and refuses to participate in daily household chores and maintenance?

It seems he's been very successful (up to now?) in pushing your boundaries so that he doesn't have to work or help out.

How are you going to let him know that: 1. you have no intention of moving and  2. you need a partner who can support himself, and if not, at least keep the household running while you earn the income.

[WitzEndWife]

I was very honest with him last night in saying that I was holding firm on these things. I wasn't going to talk about this stuff anymore and I wasn't going to continue to be with someone who wouldn't pull their weight. I told him I was going to cut off paying his bills starting next month, so he'd better find a way to pay them. He said he would start Ubering again, but that he's scared to do it at night because he's afraid someone is literally going to stab him in the back. I'm starting with not paying his bills, but if this continues then I'm going to have to get him to leave somehow.

I'm hoping that not paying his bills will light enough of a fire under him. He's got this cyclical argument going where I tell him to get a job, he says he's too afraid to get a job in the city, he insists on moving to a rural area, I dig in my heels on that, so he does nothing and around and around it goes.

I know he's been able to manipulate around my boundaries in the past, but I'm truly fed up. I'm not going to take care of an adult baby who is perfectly capable of working who simultaneously harasses me with absurd stories and accusations that he got from an underground website. I have done everything I could. I have nothing left. Time's up for him, in my opinion.

[Notwendy]

I think that whatever someone's politics are, many people are feeling more anxious than usual. There are many reasons- the pandemic, the political climate, it's an election year, so many changes at once.

It's a lot for anyone to handle, but keep in mind that for someone with BPD- the way they handle this is to project. The feeling of anxiety that they have isn't their own anxiety- the source to them is an external cause.

I think it's likely he is anxious about knowing he has to be on his own soon. This is in addition to all the other factors.

Also I think if a pw BPD feels that something else is causing their anxiety, they don't look to themselves for a solution- something else has to be done to fix it.

The fallacy in this is that- once whatever needs to be done to fix it is done, they still have the bad feelings since it wasn't the outside issue to begin with.

This fixation on moving is just one of these many "solutions" that he's fixated on.

If you move- there's no point in him looking for work.

If you move, he thinks he won't have to worry about these other issues, but the issues are still there and it won't stop the uneasy feelings.

I don't think that stirring up drama is deliberate on his part, I think it's his way of coping.

The question for you is, can you stick to your boundaries in the face of his increased anxiety about them? And- can you manage your own anxiety and upset due to his?

[formflier]

I think you should encourage him to move to a rural area.  Say it's a wonderful idea, he should go get his rural idea set up.

That you are certain if it's that important to him, he will figure it out...

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Hey...can you revisit you comments about "starting with" his money.

What are the other "levers" you can pull (or stop pulling) that truly lets him manage his own life?

Really curious about your point of view.

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Well, like you said, FF, the next step would be separation of some sort. By default, just by him living in the house that's in my name, I'm paying for him to live here. I've tried suggesting he move, but I'll keep pushing that solution. He seems to be weirdly fighting living here while digging in his claws.

I've said, "Nobody is making you stay here. If you want to move, move. I'm not going anywhere right now." When he's feeling petulant, he'll say, "I'm going!" But, of course, he never does. Otherwise, he tries to paint me as this awful person who hates him and is pushing him out.

[formflier]

From now on.  Agree with him.

"I am pushing you out, you opinion of my awfulness no longer will work to manipulate me."

"You will either grow up or leave." (maybe this should be changed to "Since you aren't able to provide, you should leave.")

The first version was a little too much "line in the sandish"

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think you will have to become comfortable with the idea that he may think and say that you are an awful person. He has the right to think what he wants to think- but that doesn't make it true.

It's a boundary thing. I hope you are secure with the fact that you are not an awful person by sticking up for yourself, even if he thinks it.

By not standing up for yourself, you are being awful- to YOU- it's either your well being or his happiness. You don't need to compromise your own self worth or the choice to not support someone who isn't making an effort to support himself or get to that point, or even help around the house.

If you say "no" to a young child, or use discipline like making the child clean their room, - the child is likely to have a tantrum. These situations are frustrating to a child and children don't know yet, how to manage their own emotions, so they tantrum.

A small child might call the adult a poopy head, an older child might scream" I hate you".

Does the child mean it? No, they are just upset. Did the child's words turn the adult into a poop head? No

Should the adult give in, so they feel better? Should they try to JADE and explain to the child why they are not a poopy head?

Or should the adult insist on the appropriate behavior and let the child learn to manage their feelings?

Or let the adult who is acting like a child deal with their own frustration and anxiety about having to take on adult responsibilities.

If your H truly is not able to take care of himself, has anyone considered he apply for SSI disability for his mental illness?

[WitzEndWife]

Notwendy, it's really been a struggle for me to get to the point where I didn't take his accusations entirely to heart. I still have some guilt, but I'm working on it and it's fading. The more I journal and talk to my therapist and on here, the better it gets. I do feel like I've had a breakthrough in that, when he says horrible things about me, it doesn't cut as deep. I'm able to look at it more reasonably and I'm not allowing him to shame me.

It's so interesting that the lack of vulnerability got me here because, in essence, I was so afraid to let anyone see the real me because I felt something was wrong with who I was. I let him basically control me through that, as he could paint me as this awful, disgusting, unlovable person (he would literally say, "You make me sick!"). Slowly, steadily, I've been working on myself, but it has seemed a bit like watching paint dry - I wasn't really sure it was doing anything. But, here we are, and his screaming fits at me aren't making me turn inward on myself or guilting me into doing things I don't want to do, so that's progress, I'll say.

[Cat Familiar]

I would say that’s progress too 

[Notwendy]

I think it's great that you are making progress with this. I can relate from the way I was raised and it impacted my self esteem. I have to work on this too, and it's great to see progress.

There's a saying from a 12 step CODA group I have attended "take yourself off the sale rack" and of course it's not about money. It's about your self worth. You know your H and his dysregulated statements do not define you.