Breaking point

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all. It's a while since I've posted on here or visited the boards. I found them very helpful in the past. Since then life has been up and down, but the recent long lockdown period with my BPD wife has been extremely challenging.

In fact, this morning I am feeling at breaking point.

It's not even like today is an out of the ordinary bad day. But it started out on a bad note, as these days often do. She woke up -- and the first thing she said to me was to start complaining about a light that wasn't switched off before we went to bed. Then it was the fact that I had opened a new jar of peanut butter before finishing the old one -- and by finishing the old one she means scraping off any remaining microscopic nanoparticles. How could i be so wasteful!

Then, I was distracted checking a work email (as I need to do early mornings sometimes) and didn't hear my son asking for something. That prompted another rant about how I never listen to anybody or care about my children. I had no appetite for getting into a fight so told her I'd take a short walk with my daughter before starting work (from home).

This majorly triggered her. She told my son that I don't care about him. Told my daughter that she was sorry she had to have me for a Dad. I politely asked her to stop bringing the children into our disputes. So she calls me a coward and tells me if I'm so unhappy with the way she speaks to me I should leave.

At this point I am seething with rage and only just managing to hold it together. She then gets right up in my face and starts physically mocking me. She knows how to push my buttons. I tell her she's abusive and she again tells me I'm a big coward.

And maybe I am, I start to think, as I walk out the door.

How do people deal with these moments when it feels like you just can't go on?

[globalnomad]

Hi all. It's a while since I've posted on here or visited the boards. I found them very helpful in the past. Since then life has been up and down, but the recent long lockdown period with my BPD wife has been extremely challenging.

In fact, this morning I am feeling at breaking point.

It's not even like today is an out of the ordinary bad day. But it started out on a bad note, as these days often do. She woke up -- and the first thing she said to me was to start complaining about a light that wasn't switched off before we went to bed. Then it was the fact that I had opened a new jar of peanut butter before finishing the old one -- and by finishing the old one she means scraping off any remaining microscopic nanoparticles. How could i be so wasteful!

Then, I was distracted checking a work email (as I need to do early mornings sometimes) and didn't hear my son asking for something. That prompted another rant about how I never listen to anybody or care about my children. I had no appetite for getting into a fight so told her I'd take a short walk with my daughter before starting work (from home).

This majorly triggered her. She told my son that I don't care about him. Told my daughter that she was sorry she had to have me for a Dad. I politely asked her to stop bringing the children into our disputes. So she calls me a coward and tells me if I'm so unhappy with the way she speaks to me I should leave.

At this point I am seething with rage and only just managing to hold it together. She then gets right up in my face and starts physically mocking me. She knows how to push my buttons. I tell her she's abusive and she again tells me I'm a big coward.

And maybe I am, I start to think, as I walk out the door.

How do people deal with these moments when it feels like you just can't go on?

[Cat Familiar]

The way I read this is that she begins nitpicking about inconsequential things, starts upping the volume by involving your children, then seems to be inciting you to respond physically—so she could accuse you of being out of control, violent?

I think you showed great restraint. 

[globalnomad]

Thanks Cat Familiar. This is exactly it. Didn't mention in this post, but she has a problem with losing control and becoming violent. She regularly amps up the volume and tries to incite me so that she can then accuse me of the very same thing.

The way I read this is that she begins nitpicking about inconsequential things, starts upping the volume by involving your children, then seems to be inciting you to respond physically—so she could accuse you of being out of control, violent?

I think you showed great restraint. 

[formflier]

Not to excuse her behavior..at all, but her behavior got (mostly) the desired effect.

It triggered you and sucked you in (although I do give you props for the restraint you showed)

Step 1...double and triple our self care for today and tomorrow.  Being at or near the breaking point is no good.

Step 2  How can you leave her displeasure (or whatever you want to call it)...with her and go about living her life.  Said another way...let her deal with peanut butter her way...you can open three jars and even use your fingers to get it...no spoons required.  FF gives you permission.

In fact...if you feel like a sense of humor today, make PB&J for lunch! 

(note:  Life altering announcement.  I had been a die hard PB and nutella guy for a long time.  About a month ago I made a BP&J...and haven't looked back since then.  With cold milk...nothing's better.)

Best,

FF

[globalnomad]

Thanks formflier for making me laugh  about the peanut butter. You're probably right - she succeeded in her goal of triggering me. I need to think about how to avoid that next time. My challenge is this - i can shrug off the criticisms about peanut butter and so on. But I have a lot of trouble when she starts badmouthing me to my children and telling them I'm a bad father. Of course I know it's not true. But my kids are young and easily influenced by what their mother says. Allowing myself to be disrespected like that in front of the children also seems to be setting a poor example. But I am at a complete loss as to how to stand up for myself in these situations without provoking even bigger conflict.

Not to excuse her behavior..at all, but her behavior got (mostly) the desired effect.

It triggered you and sucked you in (although I do give you props for the restraint you showed)


Best,

FF

[formflier]

I have faced the same thing, badmouthing me to kids

The more you can ignore it or succinctly say it's not true, then walk away..the better.

Frankly though, that's pretty advanced stuff and you would be better served with a therapist that can guide you in protecting your kids as much as possible.

At the end of the day, you are NOT responsible for what your wife teaches them about you, or the man with three eyes that lives in the swamp...and grows shrubberies.  (word has it he was a shrubber in a previous life).  

Focus on what you say to the kids, your relationship with them...be consistent and empathetic.  Don't explain or cover for your pwBPD.

Keep your sense of humor...it will serve you well.  

What's your status with a therapist?

Best,

FF

[globalnomad]

Thanks FF -- that seems like good advice. In a past life people told me I had a good sense of humor. I need to remember that I previously had a therapist who was somewhat helpful but didn't really seem to fully appreciate/understand the BPD dynamic. This is a good reminder I need to find a new one.

[formflier]

Finding a good fit is important.

They need to understand BPD and the challenges of parenting with a pwBPD. 

Best,

FF

[globalnomad]

Thanks again FF. Another major raging incident forced me to leave the apartment again today. I probably do need professional help on learning to deal with this stuff better.

[Cat Familiar]

Until you can find a compatible therapist, how about checking with a DV hotline?

And here’s a thread on domestic violence experienced by men

[globalnomad]

Thanks Cat Familiar. That thread on DV experienced by men was incredibly helpful (and a bit sobering).