Using the SET-UP method

[squirrel20]

We (mom and dad)  sought the help of a BPD specialist to help us with out 27 year old daughter. She has been training us to use the SET method in I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.

Has anyone had success with this? We will be seeing our daughter for the first time in a while knowing she wants to discuss her behaviors and issues she’s been having. She’s been off the rails for over a year, including threats of suicide.

It looks like something we can do, but we also believe the SET method may be something that sends her into orbit when we don’t react to her “poor me” stories and tell her what she wants us to say.

Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
Here is also some additional reading about SET from this forum.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Bits and pieces helped me with my adult son initially ( me keeping a concerned expression, repeating the feeling) . 
However, in my experience ,SET then went down hill after a while when he got sicker and refused therapy.  He got to the point he was hell bent on raging . 

Others here can probably chime on on more positive experiences.  One thing to remember, you have every right to cut the convo short if she escalates and is determined to argue/ yell.  You don't deserve verbal abuse.  Set up some boundaries for you and her ( we'd love to listen to you , but if you start yelling/ cursing we will cut this short and walk away/ end the interaction and try another time) or something like that. 

[Swimmy55]

Another thought-
Lower any expectations you may have and practice acceptance.  This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.  She may say one positive thing then turn around and say 5 negative things.  All in the same sentence. I would say the fact that she is reaching out and willing to talk is a positive in itself, no matter what the outcome is going to be.

[Harri]

Hi.

SET does work some of the time, maybe even most of the time.  I think it depends on what you hope to achieve.  SET is one of several tools that can help defuse situations and each tools has a time and a place.  Some work best in conjunction with each other.

The thing is, nothing is going to work all the time in all cases.  Or like Swimmy experienced, a particular tool may work for a while and then not.  

For me, the tools have become a way for me to take care of me.   SET allows me to express sympathy and empathy which is important to me.  The T part, truth, is good for me because it allows me to say what is important to me for me, if that makes sense.  

It looks like something we can do, but we also believe the SET method may be something that sends her into orbit when we don’t react to her “poor me” stories and tell her what she wants us to say.

I am trying to imagine a scenario like you describe and I can not.  Can you share one with us and we can help you think things through?  It may be that SET is not the best tool to use in such cases.  Maybe Don't invalidate is better or maybe empathetic Listening is best.

Lets see what we can come up with.

Here is another link that talks about SET and some other strategies that can help.  See what you think: Communicate - Listen and Be Heard 

[Turkish]

It looks like something we can do, but we also believe the SET method may be something that sends her into orbit when we don’t react to her “poor me” stories and tell her what she wants us to say

Can you describe such a conversation and how it went? The tool is basic, but all of us here needed practice to learn new communication  techniques. This board is a good place to practice and gain feedback. 

[squirrel20]

Hello,

Since I posted we have met with her and it went ok.

We did use SET.

I do not like SET for all situations because with her things are complex. We are completely alienated from my husbands family because they feel sorry for her “having such tough parents” who do not tolerate her having affairs on her brand new husband and we didn’t welcome the guy with open arms.

The guy dumped her. During talk she stayed he was abusive.

However the SET method doesn’t really allow us to get into details.

I am going to follow up on the above reading suggested here.

I can see after this visit that she is “level” for now. She started back at a few of her typical issues. So it confirmed for us what the doctor told us about BPDs.

It most certainly is a marathon not a sprint!