because he has disordered thinking.
because you have porous boundaries.
because he has maladaptive coping skills.
because you avoid conflict.
because his choices protect him.
because your choices protect him.
Yuck, but thank you.
Re: boundaries...with all your help I’ve been able to implement some big ones. They are deal breakers. I’ve told him so.
But, I honestly feel like I need boundaries every time I turn around. I don’t think that is physically possible and yet, to improve my situation it is required.
It is because I don’t believe it’s reasonable, or possible, to continue like this with perpetual boundaries AND because I don’t think he can truly change, I look at the next 25 years and simply don’t want to continue living this way.
let me be clear. I am not talking about physical responsibilities of the trash or the cooking or the kids college apartment. I am talking about emotionally over functioning. I am talking about taking more responsibility for the emotional condition of the relationship and family.
Add to that, I believe, the extra emotional responsibility of bouncing back AND ensuring the kids are okay. They need an emotionally and physically safe place. He hasn’t physically hurt anyone, but does things like bang loudly on doors sometimes to wake them up. He thinks it’s fine, but makes everyone jump.
Still working on this. And honestly being locked in pandemic has made it so much worse because it’s constantly on.
Relationships are filled with navigating things. Healthy relationships resolve things because both parties are committed to making it work. Unhealthy relationships do not resolve issues. Healthy relationships share goals and understandings, support both parties, work to meet both parties needs. You have very little practice with relationships. You assume what you experienced is normal. It's not. Normal relationships don't end up searching the internet to identify strange behavior.
Touché. We’ve “worked together” before. In hindsight only on small things and I’ve mainly implemented. Big stuff and it becomes angry and blame shifting. Geesh, if I take the blame anyway, I’d rather take it quietly in a corner by myself. Seriously.
I'm going to repeat myself. twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to shape yourself to match his ability to understand/comprehend, ends up with you terribly twisted in your own thinking, and overly identified with his thinking.
I'm going to remind you to turn your focus on yourself, not him.
It’s so hard when he’s in my face 24/7 the last 4 months. I’m just trying to not escalate anything. Ugh. More work.
You are overly identified with his thinking to the expense of your own thinking.
You can't make him stop his behavior. You can identify how you think about the door being left open... and what is the appropriate FOR YOU response to that.
'ducks
I just want to NOT have to think about it. I may literally just need to be physically distant to be able to stop. Not sure what’s wrong with me...some hang up with him right in front of me. Idk.
I think I have such a hard time finding that sweet spot (normal range). I keep trying.
