Filing a restraining order and divorce

[Shakthi]

My BPD husband tried to choke me about 10 days ago. I called the cops on him, I was worried. I bailed him out helped him get a lawyer who got the court case to disappear. I had a troubled week, have my brother visit for help and support. I leaft on Sunday as he threatened to hurt someone, asked me who do u want me to hurt first? I left the house with my two children and my brother. We r in a hotel, i have a lawyer who is issuing a restraining order tomorrow and will file for divorce in a week. We have all our koney in joint or his own accounts. He is high functioning and usually provides well for the kids. I am not sure how he will react but I am scared if he going to see that his case will be weaker and let us be or create havoc. I cannot sleep, i am sure I am not going back to what was. I dont have much money and I am extremely scared of what storm  is coming. Any advice? Anything I can do?

[Turkish]

Shakti,

I'm glad that you and your kids are safe now and that you have legal representation. Can you reach out to your local YWCA hotline for support? The call is anonymous. I referred my ex when she had trouble with her husband and she said that they were helpful. The advantages are talking to a live voice for support and they can connect you with local resources.

The alcohol abuse (mentioned in your other posts) is concerning. I would think that he may turn one way or the other depending upon if he's under the influence or not.

[ForeverDad]

When it comes to abuse and/or threats, this is not the time to be nice, too fair, forgiving, whatever.  Yes, the immediate impulse is to smooth things over but that just seems to enable more bad behavior, as you found out.  When behaviors reach that point, then firm limits (or boundaries or consequences) are necessary.

So don't feel bad about doing what you have to do going forward, don't minimize what he did.  He crossed the line more than once.  Your spouse is an adult, that means that bad behaviors risk consequences.  Let him face his consequences.

One thing to be aware of is that if he gets a lawyer then that lawyer may try to maneuver you into saying you're not fearful of him.  Beware that maneuver because then the lawyer will turn to the judge and say you're inconsistent, you can't be fearful some of the time, it's either all or nothing.  It's okay and important to say you are fearful... of what happened as well as what may happen in the future.

Though we are remote and anonymous peer support, we have considerable collective experience, we've "been there, done that" and know what generally works and what generally doesn't work.  Combined with your local resources - your counselors, advocates and trusted friends & family - you will get though this.

About your finances,  since you don't have any personal accounts and he does, then it ought to be okay to access your shared accounts.  Typically the official stance is, as marriage partners with equal but undefined rights, to secure up to half the joint accounts into your control, but odds are that if you take more than half there won't be any legal repercussions due to the circumstances.  Even if he did make an issue of it, he does have personal accounts which you don't have and likely court would just tell him the financial claims will be adjusted when the divorce gets to the much later financial settlement stage.

You are contemplating divorce?  Unless he makes major changes in his life and thinking - long term intensive therapy, and even that is very iffy - the future risks have greatly increased that conflict and abuse will happen again.

One of the best handbooks to prepare you for the future is William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It guides you through what to say and not say in court, how to select a proactive lawyer, how courts typically work, what your priorities should be, especially if you have children, the benefits of counselors, quick psych evals and in-depth custody evals, etc.

[Shakthi]

I am filing for divorce too. I will have have access to much money in the short term but have a few ideas that I will work on in the AM. I have a few text messages between me and my brother over this year. Unfortunately he deleted the 7 years of baggage over time but they show I am scared several times. I am not going back to what was. Afraid of the exact same thing u said, they proving that I am not afraid all the time and my anger and yelling and inconsistensies. I have not been a saint in the relationship but thise have all been my survival mechanisms including running back to him. We have had episodes of this in the 10 days since he got arested. I gave a version to hia criminal defense lawyer where I was a concerned wife- I was. I am not confused by my decisions just scared of what ro expect of him and how this is going to play out.

[GaGrl]

Be aware that your husband might move to drain your joint account of all funds as soon he knows as you have filed. You might want to take half the funds as soon as you file and before he is served notice.

[Shakthi]

I have reached out to friends and family who are willing to help me financially and give me the support I need. I am not worried about any of that. The Sherrif’s departemnt is off for the ling weekend and they have not served the order, so I am stuck at the hotel till Monday or Tuesday. I was hoping to have the kids home this weekend and have them back in familiar routine next week and start talking to my people at work about things. Waiting made me wonder if I should have just worked it out but I am clear about a few things. I did not feel safe and that issue was escalated. I had CPS come home after the incident and That gave me a reality check that was too much to handle. I have to do everything I can to protect my kids. I have a job and can manage most of the expenses. I am just praying to get back home and seek support from more friends and the community here. Thank you all.

[Shakthi]

Hi all,

I am in a hotel room waiting for the TRO to be delivered to my husband. I have until the end of the month before we go to court. I don’t have much evidence, I have a few texts with my brother other than that I have somehow managed this relationship for 22 years with 10 years married. I never wrote down much, some journaling sporadically. I am mainly worried about child custody. Nothing else, I dont have much evidence of his emotional abuse towards the family. How do I navigate this?  He is an alcoholic but again a higg functioning and we have no one other than my family who knows his issues. He has been involved a bit in dropping them at school but does not even know where or what their classes are. There is so much in my mind and I am struggling

[ForeverDad]

We've noticed that often the worst scenarios occur during holiday times and weekends.  Bad things don't let you choose the "right" timing for you.

If you get financial help from trusted friends and families, you would typically be better phrasing it in the divorce scenario as "loans".  That way they can be used as leverage in financial issues because you can state "they loaned me money so I have to figure how to pay it back" rather than "wow, I got all this help as gifts so you my stbEx don't get stuck with as many bills".

Yes, I know Dave Ramsey says we have to consider all family loans as gifts since they so seldom get paid back and can cause rifts in the family.  All I'm saying is that if support is characterized as loans then you might not be at as much financial risk.

I am mainly worried about child custody. Nothing else...

Yes, custody is the priority.  But the rest does matter too.  Many here remarked that after their divorce was final and they had some time to recover from the experience, they realized they let go of too many other things and regretted letting the ex unfairly walk away with so many things.  This is where a good lawyer will protect your various interests (custody, parenting, residence, transport, financial support, bank accounts, debt concerns, retirement benefits, etc) even when you say "all I care about is the kids".

[worriedStepmom]

While you may not have much documentation in the past, you can start documenting now.  For child custody, you can document the following:

*What time do the kids spend with each parent?
*Does your H ask for any time with the kids?
*Does H keep his promises for the kids - if he says he'll pick them up at X time, does he?  Is he early, or late or a no show?
*Who takes the kids to doctor appointments and to school?  Who does parent/teacher conferences?  Who transports the kids to extracurricular activities and/or attends those kinds of things?
*Who has been doing the bedtime routine?
*Does your H ever call the kids?  How long do they talk?  Do the kids seem excited about talking to him or reluctant?
*What are the interactions between H and the kids like?  Are the kids happy or stressed?  Does he ever yell or be emotionally abusive?  Is he drunk?

You can document these types of things on a piece of paper, in a journal, or on a calendar. 

[Shakthi]

Thanks for the list. This helps. I do most of the work for the kids when we were together. I can document that. Since I left 2 weeks ago we sre NC and not that we have a restraining order its continued. The kids have mentioned dad but have not asked to talk to him or see him. They have a routine that they are happy with. The kids usualy come to me for everythign, I would be the one to chanel them to him to have him involved and get them used to asking the other parent. This went well
Sometimes and sometimes did not. The one thing he has done willingly or unwillingly is let me go to work when I had to off hours/ weekends and watched the kids.