I know my options, but I don’t know what to do

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Things are rocky between my likely BPD wife and I. Her mental and emotional states have been worse than they have been for a long time. She’s been spending most of every day of the last couple of weeks in the bedroom or going to a friends house 45 minutes away. She only came out of the room for about an hour today.
 She’s had a very hard life and it really seems like she has a black cloud following her. 9 years ago today we went on our first date. In that time she has lost 3 close cousins due to drugs or alcohol (all siblings that lived next door to her growing up), a brother and sister (also alcohol related) and her father (horribly abusive to her until his last day and an alcoholic until maybe 15 or so years ago, he even gave her a big FU after he died by leaving her $5 in his will ). We also lost our 3 year old son in a car accident 8 months ago (she was driving, but unclear who was at fault). One of her cousins that passed away died the night before what would have been our sons 4th  birthday. Last night she left the house due to anxiety and apparently witnessed a motorcycle accident, got out to help, and found the rider lifeless and bloody in the road.
It’s easy to understand why she’d feel depressed. But she does nothing to help herself. She’s had some therapy but she never sticks with it. And not only does she blame me for our failing marriage, she also says that I’m worse than her dad.
If it wasn’t for our 7yo son, I don’t think I’d have much difficulty ending the marriage. She is a good mom and doesn’t take anything out on him. I’m the punching bag. But that means he still has to hear the crap she tells me. I’ve gotten better at not taking the bait and arguing with her, but I’m human and sometimes I do get mad enough to stand up for myself. The little guy doesn’t need to hear her berate me nor should he hear us arguing. I could move out and have him some of the time, but I don’t think she’s in a state to handle him by herself. And I won’t just kick her out either. She’s threatened to move out and has looked at a couple of places, but that’s it. She’s also said she’s thought about just killing herself (something she’s said for years). She’s been clean and sober for 5 years but has threatened to shoot up again several times in the last year. At this point I don’t know if she has or hasn’t. I’m leaning towards no, because it usually gets a hold of people and doesn’t let go. She isn’t showing the same patterns as before when she was using either. So I don’t know if I could even fight for full custody. If I did try she would undoubtedly fight dirty.
I think I know my options, but I really don’t know what I should do. I know people aren’t supposed to tell anyone to leave on this forum, but if you read this and think I should, please tell me.

Thank you for reading

[RestlessWanderer]

Things are rocky between my likely BPD wife and I. Her mental and emotional states have been worse than they have been for a long time. She’s been spending most of every day of the last couple of weeks in the bedroom or going to a friends house 45 minutes away. She only came out of the room for about an hour today.
 She’s had a very hard life and it really seems like she has a black cloud following her. 9 years ago today we went on our first date. In that time she has lost 3 close cousins due to drugs or alcohol (all siblings that lived next door to her growing up), a brother and sister (also alcohol related) and her father (horribly abusive to her until his last day and an alcoholic until maybe 15 or so years ago, he even gave her a big FU after he died by leaving her $5 in his will ). We also lost our 3 year old son in a car accident 8 months ago (she was driving, but unclear who was at fault). One of her cousins that passed away died the night before what would have been our sons 4th  birthday. Last night she left the house due to anxiety and apparently witnessed a motorcycle accident, got out to help, and found the rider lifeless and bloody in the road.
It’s easy to understand why she’d feel depressed. But she does nothing to help herself. She’s had some therapy but she never sticks with it. And not only does she blame me for our failing marriage, she also says that I’m worse than her dad.
If it wasn’t for our 7yo son, I don’t think I’d have much difficulty ending the marriage. She is a good mom and doesn’t take anything out on him. I’m the punching bag. But that means he still has to hear the crap she tells me. I’ve gotten better at not taking the bait and arguing with her, but I’m human and sometimes I do get mad enough to stand up for myself. The little guy doesn’t need to hear her berate me nor should he hear us arguing. I could move out and have him some of the time, but I don’t think she’s in a state to handle him by herself. And I won’t just kick her out either. She’s threatened to move out and has looked at a couple of places, but that’s it. She’s also said she’s thought about just killing herself (something she’s said for years). She’s been clean and sober for 5 years but has threatened to shoot up again several times in the last year. At this point I don’t know if she has or hasn’t. I’m leaning towards no, because it usually gets a hold of people and doesn’t let go. She isn’t showing the same patterns as before when she was using either. So I don’t know if I could even fight for full custody. If I did try she would undoubtedly fight dirty.
I think I know my options, but I really don’t know what I should do. I know people aren’t supposed to tell anyone to leave on this forum, but if you read this and think I should, please tell me.

Thank you for reading

[babyducks]

hello RestlessWanderer,

I went back and read some of your older posts here.    You have certainly been through more than most people could bear.   I'm sorry for it.

I read that you  have been in therapy for about three years yourself.    I think that is a good investment.   I commend you for taking care of yourself.     

I think I know my options, but I really don’t know what I should do. I know people aren’t supposed to tell anyone to leave on this forum, but if you read this and think I should, please tell me.

You are right.   No one here should tell you what to do.    It's an uniquely personal decision to stay or to leave.  Everyone's circumstances are different.  Everyone's experience of the mental illness is distinct.   It's a very hard decision to make.   It's a tough process to go through.   It would be all sorts of hubris for us to say Go or Stay.

Still what I can say from my experience is that lingering in the undecided or just tolerating zone is not good.   

What happened for me is that my relationship continued to very slowly degrade.   Being in the middle of it I couldn't really see it.   I was working from the assumption that things would stay at about the same level of dysfunction.   In the last 4 months of my relationship I could tell my partner was building up for some catastrophic event.     Couldn't have told you what it was but felt pretty sure it was on the horizon.    Eventually things became so bad there was no possible way for the relationship to continue.    Even at the end I debated with myself should I make some last ditch effort to save the relationship.   In the end I didn't.

I was never 100% certain if I should have stayed or should have left.     It's a hard decision to stay or to go.   

what I am 100% certain of is there was no way for the relationship to continue.   If I had remained or tried to save the relationship one more time... I think I would have put so much pressure on myself and my partner that one of us would have cracked and done something remarkably stupid.

I know that this isn't probably the answer you wanted to hear.   I would encourage you to keep talking with us.   Let us know if you feel there is the potential for even a slightly healthier relationship with your wife.

'ducks

[Cat Familiar]

You are looking at the big picture for your son, realizing that the tone of your relationship is not a healthy dynamic for him to witness. Your wife certainly has had a lot of tragedy (and you as well) to deal with and you have compassion for her, but realize that does not justify treating you poorly.

Do you have fear that she’d be prone to self harm if you chose to end the relationship?

If you imagine ten years from now, your son is a senior in high school, what actions would you be happy that you did regarding your relationship with your wife? What would you regret?

[formflier]

I'll take a bit of a more practical angle.

What would happen if you eliminated or at least drastically shortened the arguments with your wife?

Wouldn't that have a good effect on your son?

Best,

FF

[Football2000]

I just want to say that I feel for you. I understand it is really hard to have perspective on this kind of thing. I am in such a similar situation in some ways. For me, the hardest things were making space for myself and setting boundaries. You have to learn how to do those two things for yourself. Maybe that means enrolling yourself in a support group, or maybe that means making an agreement with your partner (when not in a crisis/fight).

It is so easy to lose yourself in compassion for another, so you need to fight for yourself, because no one else will