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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: What a month this week has been  (Read 465 times)
Ozzie101
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« on: July 08, 2020, 10:16:45 AM »

Things have been good — quiet, centered, pleasant.

I knew it couldn’t last.

This week is my first week back in the office (a stressor since the numbers are still rising in our state). we’ve been doing great work from home but it’s all political.

Also, H’s 16-year-old dog woke up with a prolonged seizure yesterday. He’s doing better, but is obviously not himself. It has H very stressed and worried. Also angry at the vet who sort of hinted that putting the dog to sleep may end up being the best option.

Add on that H’s new boss started work and it’s already difficult. Those who’ve read my threads know work is a HUGE trigger for H.

So, yesterday, while worried about/dealing with the dog, H was late for a meeting with the boss, who was not happy. Then the boss ranted about the personnel committee (this is a non-profit) not contacting him for the four months before he arrived.

Current head of the committee is a long-time friend of my parents’, which has caused us a LOT of drama. Well, this friend made a big blunder in telling something to the finance department (not including my H who is basically the CEO in the email). Result was H was docked pay he should have gotten and the whole childcare center missed out on what should have been a final paycheck, threatening the business’s PPP loan status. Complicated, but important.

H called and chewed her out. He says things about my parents and their relationship with her, her husband and other friends came up. He says that he didn’t get a raise this year for personal reasons having to do with my parents’ complicated friendship with them. (There was a sort-of falling-out that was partially prepared.) So H now says that she’s taking things out on him and my parents and their friends just need to set it all out.

Thing is, I don’t believe him. Not that I think he’s lying, but given how stressed and distracted he was already, I don’t trust that he heard or interpreted right. I tried to get him to explain better without setting him off but wasn’t too successful.

He hinted about pulling my parents into it — again. I was empathetic and also sort of vague. I told him that if she was taking personal things out on him, that was wrong. He tried to say it was up to my parents to fix it and I said, no, if she’s doing it, she needs to stop. That’s all her.

I’m not pulling my parents into this. If this semi-friend is taking things out on him (not sure I believe that), that’s not their doing or their fault. And given H’s track record, I can’t at all trust what he’s telling me.

Ugh. I really wish he could find another job. No luck yet. And he’d run into problems there, too, I know. But at least my family would’ve connected.

He’s back to begging me to give him permission to just quit.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2020, 04:25:30 PM »

Ugh! Well you’re way past the law of threes for this week.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

I think you need a hard boundary about discussing anything that veers from the professional into the personal regarding your parents’ friend. He’s seen this as an opportunity to rile you up and share in his chaos. Needs to be off limits entirely.

Maybe practice a SET response for this one.

I know this woman has given you lots of grief in your job and has been really difficult.

It must be frustrating to work there when you suspect she might have hidden agendas and could sabotage your work.

My parents have a social friendship with her and it’s not appropriate to ask them to intervene and I’m not going to discuss this again.

I’m not very good with this, but you get the idea.





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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Ozzie101
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« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2020, 09:21:54 PM »

Yes, good suggestion. I don’t anticipate it going over well (he’ll see it as my not caring/putting my family first) but, honestly, I think it’s the best thing. Fact is, my parents and their relationship with their friend should have nothing to do with H’s job. If (big if) the friend is letting it bleed over, that’s wrong. But that’s no reason to join in.
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2020, 09:27:53 PM »

It may not go over well. But, that's his stuff to deal with. Try to anticipate what your actions should be if he dysregulates/rages/whatever. Make a plan ahead of time how you will set a boundary to protect yourself from whatever bad behavior he exhibits in reaction to the first boundary of not discussing your parents' involvement in his work issues.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2020, 11:14:56 PM »

Hard boundary on your parent's involvement!

As to the other...I am surprised that a non-profit has a culture where it is acceptable to engage n this level of direct confrontation ( "chewed them out"). What is going on in this organization, and to what degree is your husband involved in the upsets?
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
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« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2020, 06:28:07 AM »


Hey...reminder that a boundary is not supposed to prevent or cause your hubby to (fill in the blank).

The boundary is about you and your family.

All that being said, there are several stressors here.  Can you take a minute and "rank" them.

I'm not saying to rank them on what your husband "expresses" is the worst...this is your opinion on which ones are "really" firing him up.  There may or may not be a way forward from that.

New boss?  Did I miss something?  What happened to the old boss?

Best,

FF


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Ozzie101
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« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2020, 07:54:58 AM »

GaGrl, as to the culture that allows this — I don’t know that it does. It’s quite common for him to get things wrong. He’ll react emotionally to something and get upset or panicked, only to find later that he misunderstood or exaggerated. Or completely made it up somehow. At this point, I rarely believe what he tells me (at least not 100%). Truth is, I don’t know what really happened or has been happening.

Yes, it’s a hard boundary issue. I’ve started setting it before but now it’s time to hold the line again. I don’t plan to cave on it, though I know he’ll try to manipulate me into agreeing. I’m stronger than I used to be. And no, it’s not about him or getting him to be a certain way.

FF, his old boss retired, effective last month. He was of age, but it also had to do with a lot of problems with finances and politics. Old boss may have had a PD of his own, honestly.

Hmm, ranking the stressors is difficult. Because, what I suspect is underneath is the same with all: fear and insecurity.

The dog’s ailment is a big trigger for him, obviously because he loves his dog. But he’s always had a larger-than-average fear of death and panic over health-related issues, plus a distrust of/disdain for doctors. He had a real terror of being in a coma and the machines being turned off, when he might have had a chance to live. His living will has that written in — that he wants to be kept going no matter what. He’s made comments that make it clear the dog’s problem has brought those up.

With work, he had insecurities and worries that he’s not good enough or doing things wrong. Also gets very sensitive when people leave him out of things he should be part of (understandable). Being left out is another across the board issue for him.

The friend loops in his family insecurities and fears: that my family doesn’t care about him. They won’t go to bat for him. That I choose my family over him.

So, there are common threads through all of these: his fear and sensitivity.
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« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2020, 08:28:49 AM »


OK...I'm all for "hard" boundaries and I also think that at this point in time there needs to be a lot of "gentle" around them.

Or perhaps you need to act as if they are hard but not say so.

I think you should "lean into" the dog thing.  Be proactive about bringing it up, asking how you can support him and letting him know how he can support you.

As I read this, and even more so now that I've read the story about his fears of coma and death...the dog is the big issue.

All the rest is background noise.

So...when he starts to talk about the dog, stay engaged...this is a place to really put yourself out there and make sure you do massive self care afterwards.

For the rest of it...don't tell him you aren't going to listen..just briefly excuse yourself or perhaps even use the dog as an excuse.

"Babe...I'm sorry I just don't think I'm going to be a very good listener about work issues.  I'm so distraught over Fluffy.  I'm confident you can sort out your work issue."


Best,

FF
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2020, 08:37:08 AM »

You’re probably right about the dog (who seems to be improving). And I think we’re handling it pretty well. I’ve asked how I can help. I’ve pitched in when H was getting overwhelmed. To be honest, I’ve never been fond of the dog. He bites. He snarls. He steals food. He pees on the floor. But I’ve been very affectionate, gentle and given him a lot of leeway this week. Not hard. The medication he on has actually made him nice for once. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Good advice, as always. He’s got a lot on his plate emotionally right now. I’m doing my best to be kind and understanding and empathetic. Thankfully the work thing didn’t come up again yesterday. When I told him my parents wanted to take us to dinner or cook for us sometime to celebrate my birthday, he seemed fine with it.
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« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2020, 10:08:40 AM »


My idea centers around things that are good for him, but hearing it in a way it applies to you.  He can either pick it up or leave it.

Such as you are far too concerned about fluffy to deal with other issues at the moment.

Ahh...so this is one of these "it's his pet..his dog things"?  Our little 5 lb pooch clearly prefers my wife and that's ok.  When she's not around she will try to snuggle up to me.  Really funny sometimes how animals have a pecking order.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2020, 10:10:34 AM »


Hey...can you update me on your hubby's "chain of command"? 

I thought I understood it, but now I think I've got it all backwards or have you guys confused with someone else.

I thought he was the head guy..the head administrator and assumed he had a board or something over him.  Now it appears he has a person over him.

Whatever you feel comfortable revealing.

Best,

FF
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #11 on: July 09, 2020, 10:31:16 AM »

Yes, definitely his dog. Though the dog is mean to him too — just less so than to other people. I’m nice to him, though. I love animals and have a lot of compassion for them — even if they’re incredibly unpleasant.

His work is kind of confusing. It’s a big church and he’s the equivalent of the CEO. But, there’s a board that’s sort of over him (but also supposed to work with him). And the senior pastor is technically over everyone, though also accountable to the board. It’s all kind of muddy.
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« Reply #12 on: July 09, 2020, 11:40:42 AM »


No..I had it right.

Is this a new senior pastor?  Or..?

I thought there was a recent new senior pastor (maybe within last year) and he was "hinting" at a new team or something...and your hubby took it waay out of context.  (close?)

Best,

FF
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2020, 11:57:19 AM »

We’re probably talking about the same one.

The former SP announced his retirement last fall. The new one was announced earlier this year (though H knew late last year who it would be). H has friends in the church admin community who all pretty much told him the new guy is difficult to handle. H also believed he would be let go so the new guy could put his own team in. Didn’t happen, obviously — at least not yet. The new guy’s wife has family where H used to work and they all said glowing things about H.

There have been several instances of H not hearing something correctly. Or of him immediately jumping to worst-case scenario. That’s why I no longer panic.
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« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2020, 12:20:52 PM »


Ah...ok.  All makes sense now.  I'm up to speed.

So...the "new" thing is the new SP is actually here now and they are actually working together.

Got it.

Best,

FF
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2020, 12:52:30 PM »

Yep, that’s it. Now that he’s officially in charge, it leads to changes and new problems for H.
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