Affects of Partners with BPD and it effecting children leading to confusion

[KindredTake]

The feeling of being in an emotional cage and wanting to explode out of it! I have heard the words driven, resilient, focused, determined. These were all words either myself or others told me that described my behavior. I would use the energy behind these words to will myself during moments of distress and or perceived challenges. Whether real or unreal. I have now found that the way in which I would "will" myself in the past now causes the  emotional cage to grow stronger in how I currently cope with my wife and now my son. There is confusion and the emotional roller coaster has been quite a ride. I am growing more and more insightful due to observation and mindfulness but I do admit there are moments I am sucked right back into feelings of despair I dread. I have found tools to more effectively cope with these moments. A big thing for me was "why am I so damn scared!" It really bothered me and did not make any sense to me. A short take on my upbringing. African American male raised by two parents who showered me with love in the form of providing food, shelter, and access to excellent education. There was not a present Tiger Mom or overbearing Dad who demanded perfection. I was not neglected in terms of providing the basic essentials and or support in my future dreams whether it be education or sport/vocational aspirations. There was however an extreme lack of physical affection and emotional affection from my mom. My parents bickered constantly and the tension in the room for me was thick at times. Depending on the mood of my dad dictated the flow of the day. My mom seemed to have the strings to these moods and could manipulate them with one short passive aggressive comment. Arguments seemed to be lurking around the corner and resolution or the feeling of being heard was alien to me when viewing my parents. With my behavior, moments of discipline were internalized and distorted and usually I struggled to process the whys and hows of what took place. I would get 6-8 whoops with a belt from my dad if out of line. I was not sexually abused or emotionally abused in the form of being put down with words. I was however told a few times "do you want to die or I will really give you something to cry about." Looking back I now see it was a form of my Dad struggling to make sense of my behavior and unfortunately using abusive measures to get me in line with the behavior he deemed as fit. I also see that I internalized events such as these as literal and acted off of these fears. It was jacked up and my Dad was in the wrong. I also realize he was only doing what he himself thought was best. The tough part to swallow was not the physical pain from being whooped but how damaging the emotional part of it was for me. Add in the lack of affection or emotional support I was craving during non emotional unstable moments life was telling me what I needed was very limited. Those same feelings from time to time creep up now when i am afraid I have offended my wife. I was told from a therapist that my wife may have bpd. (We have done therapy counseling) I was unaware leading up to this but afterwards saw a ton of similarities from reading what others have gone through. I also was extremely confused during projecting episodes because making sense of the accusations logically did not make sense but in a distorted way made sense. It was like we were both in a room. A basic guest bedroom with zero furniture with the lights on and the door closed. My wife tells me there is a poisonous snake in the corner and of course she is frightened. She has poor eyesight and does not have her glasses on. I can see clearly and have my glasses on. I do not see a snake any where. If I do not react to her perceived threat I am deemed as "an unloving partner" and or "if you loved me like fill in the blank does than I wouldn't have had to even tell you there is a snake present." These type of statements are followed up with ghosting, passive aggressive behavior, and or subtle forms of manipulation either intentionally or unintentionally meant to protect her but ultimately hurt me due to giving it that power to hurt me. If I do react as if there is a snake there I still do not know what the hell I am reacting to so in the end I feel as if I am walking on eggshells. This is a made up story to describe the feelings I feel but when I read dealing with a hermit bpd it rings so true to me. I have in the past and still do at times question my insanity and or if I am bpd of some sort. I have been told things that leave me feeling if I am lovable or capable of love but am now in a better place to know those things which have been said to me was not about me. My new frontier is two things. One I hear the common thread that loved ones who are enmeshed, codependent, and or struggling to make sense of what is going on often feel confused and at fault. Shame and guilt that is unwarranted is still present and the body and mind knows no know difference if it is real or not. Do you guys ever feel like there is something wrong with you? I know I do at times. Two, which is what brought me to this website/thread I have read that the affects of a bpd partner can affect their child. I am extremely concerned that our young adult son is now manifesting the affects of his upbringing and the relationships and choices he is making is evident that either my wife really has bpd or I have screwed up some wear and may have it. I do not think I do, but more of a codependent behavior pattern, but also acknowledge from time to time I do have instances of symptoms of bp. His relationships have been alarming and concerning and the abuse he puts up with at a young age scares me. All the traits of internal anger, distorted blow ups, hypersensitivity to criticism, low self esteem he exhibits these things.  Some of the stories he tells me really hurts to hear and at the same time hits a nerve with me because I relate to the feelings of being manipulated and or emotionally abused by my wife in the past. The major difference is I can better make sense of these things, have tools to better cope with it, and acknowledge the behavior either I exhibited and or my wife has. He is unable to do this due to the confusion and hypersensitivity. I want to open his eyes to what may be going on but am also cautious as one I am not a psychologist in this matter and two do not want this to blow back on me. My wife does not feel she has bpd and also was never told by the therapist she suspects she has it. My wife rarely accepts blame so to accuse her of affecting the emotional well being on this matter would be heavier for her to deal with than accepting some responsibility in order for our son to make sense of it all. I just want to strategically open up his eyes in hopes of healing and also restore the connectedness both my wife and I want with him. Has anyone gone through something similar?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[KindredTake]

The feeling of being in an emotional cage and wanting to explode out of it! I have heard the words driven, resilient, focused, determined. These were all words either myself or others told me that described my behavior. I would use the energy behind these words to will myself during moments of distress and or perceived challenges. Whether real or unreal. I have now found that the way in which I would "will" myself in the past now causes the  emotional cage to grow stronger in how I currently cope with my wife and now my son. There is confusion and the emotional roller coaster has been quite a ride. I am growing more and more insightful due to observation and mindfulness but I do admit there are moments I am sucked right back into feelings of despair I dread. I have found tools to more effectively cope with these moments. A big thing for me was "why am I so damn scared!" It really bothered me and did not make any sense to me. A short take on my upbringing. African American male raised by two parents who showered me with love in the form of providing food, shelter, and access to excellent education. There was not a present Tiger Mom or overbearing Dad who demanded perfection. I was not neglected in terms of providing the basic essentials and or support in my future dreams whether it be education or sport/vocational aspirations. There was however an extreme lack of physical affection and emotional affection from my mom. My parents bickered constantly and the tension in the room for me was thick at times. Depending on the mood of my dad dictated the flow of the day. My mom seemed to have the strings to these moods and could manipulate them with one short passive aggressive comment. Arguments seemed to be lurking around the corner and resolution or the feeling of being heard was alien to me when viewing my parents. With my behavior, moments of discipline were internalized and distorted and usually I struggled to process the whys and hows of what took place. I would get 6-8 whoops with a belt from my dad if out of line. I was not sexually abused or emotionally abused in the form of being put down with words. I was however told a few times "do you want to die or I will really give you something to cry about." Looking back I now see it was a form of my Dad struggling to make sense of my behavior and unfortunately using abusive measures to get me in line with the behavior he deemed as fit. I also see that I internalized events such as these as literal and acted off of these fears. It was jacked up and my Dad was in the wrong. I also realize he was only doing what he himself thought was best. The tough part to swallow was not the physical pain from being whooped but how damaging the emotional part of it was for me. Add in the lack of affection or emotional support I was craving during non emotional unstable moments life was telling me what I needed was very limited. Those same feelings from time to time creep up now when i am afraid I have offended my wife. I was told from a therapist that my wife may have bpd. (We have done therapy counseling) I was unaware leading up to this but afterwards saw a ton of similarities from reading what others have gone through. I also was extremely confused during projecting episodes because making sense of the accusations logically did not make sense but in a distorted way made sense. It was like we were both in a room. A basic guest bedroom with zero furniture with the lights on and the door closed. My wife tells me there is a poisonous snake in the corner and of course she is frightened. She has poor eyesight and does not have her glasses on. I can see clearly and have my glasses on. I do not see a snake any where. If I do not react to her perceived threat I am deemed as "an unloving partner" and or "if you loved me like fill in the blank does than I wouldn't have had to even tell you there is a snake present." These type of statements are followed up with ghosting, passive aggressive behavior, and or subtle forms of manipulation either intentionally or unintentionally meant to protect her but ultimately hurt me due to giving it that power to hurt me. If I do react as if there is a snake there I still do not know what the hell I am reacting to so in the end I feel as if I am walking on eggshells. This is a made up story to describe the feelings I feel but when I read dealing with a hermit bpd it rings so true to me. I have in the past and still do at times question my insanity and or if I am bpd of some sort. I have been told things that leave me feeling if I am lovable or capable of love but am now in a better place to know those things which have been said to me was not about me. My new frontier is two things. One I hear the common thread that loved ones who are enmeshed, codependent, and or struggling to make sense of what is going on often feel confused and at fault. Shame and guilt that is unwarranted is still present and the body and mind knows no know difference if it is real or not. Do you guys ever feel like there is something wrong with you? I know I do at times. Two, which is what brought me to this website/thread I have read that the affects of a bpd partner can affect their child. I am extremely concerned that our young adult son is now manifesting the affects of his upbringing and the relationships and choices he is making is evident that either my wife really has bpd or I have screwed up some wear and may have it. I do not think I do, but more of a codependent behavior pattern, but also acknowledge from time to time I do have instances of symptoms of bp. His relationships have been alarming and concerning and the abuse he puts up with at a young age scares me. All the traits of internal anger, distorted blow ups, hypersensitivity to criticism, low self esteem he exhibits these things.  Some of the stories he tells me really hurts to hear and at the same time hits a nerve with me because I relate to the feelings of being manipulated and or emotionally abused by my wife in the past. The major difference is I can better make sense of these things, have tools to better cope with it, and acknowledge the behavior either I exhibited and or my wife has. He is unable to do this due to the confusion and hypersensitivity. I want to open his eyes to what may be going on but am also cautious as one I am not a psychologist in this matter and two do not want this to blow back on me. My wife does not feel she has bpd and also was never told by the therapist she suspects she has it. My wife rarely accepts blame so to accuse her of affecting the emotional well being on this matter would be heavier for her to deal with than accepting some responsibility in order for our son to make sense of it all. I just want to strategically open up his eyes in hopes of healing and also restore the connectedness both my wife and I want with him. Has anyone gone through something similar?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi KindredTake - Welcome!
I'm sorry your son is having some issues.  I can understand your concern and that you want him to have healthy relationships and a happy life.

 I was told from a therapist that my wife may have bpd. (We have done therapy counseling) . . .I have in the past and still do at times question my insanity and or if I am bpd of some sort.  

The 9 traits of BPD aren't unique to BPD.  It's common for people to have a trait or two, or to exhibit traits during stressful times.  Most people, who have a diagnosis of BPD, have other diagnoses (commonly anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc.).  BPD rarely stands alone.  The diagnosis can be subjective, with  different experts providing different diagnoses.

It's not uncommon for the partner of a person with BPD to feel they have mental health issues as well.  Sometimes that can be the case.  Whatever the case, learning to manage your emotions and how to strategically handle the way you interact and react can make things better for you.

A big thing for me was "why am I so damn scared!" . . .I was not neglected in terms of providing the basic essentials and or support in my future dreams whether it be education or sport/vocational aspirations. There was however an extreme lack of physical affection and emotional affection from my mom. My parents bickered constantly and the tension in the room for me was thick at times. Depending on the mood of my dad dictated the flow of the day. My mom seemed to have the strings to these moods and could manipulate them with one short passive aggressive comment. Arguments seemed to be lurking around the corner and resolution or the feeling of being heard was alien to me when viewing my parents. With my behavior, moments of discipline were internalized and distorted and usually I struggled to process the whys and hows of what took place. I would get 6-8 whoops with a belt from my dad if out of line. I was not sexually abused or emotionally abused in the form of being put down with words. I was however told a few times "do you want to die or I will really give you something to cry about." Looking back I now see it was a form of my Dad struggling to make sense of my behavior and unfortunately using abusive measures to get me in line with the behavior he deemed as fit. I also see that I internalized events such as these as literal and acted off of these fears. It was jacked up and my Dad was in the wrong. I also realize he was only doing what he himself thought was best. The tough part to swallow was not the physical pain from being whooped but how damaging the emotional part of it was for me. Add in the lack of affection or emotional support I was craving during non emotional unstable moments life was telling me what I needed was very limited.    

Very insightful.  Many of us had parents who repeated what they learned from their parents, behaviors that generally lacked emotional intelligence.  Also, healthy ways to process feedings is rarely taught.  Many of us, who had emotionally dysfunctional parents, end up being "people pleasers"

   
I have read that the affects of a bpd partner can affect their child. I am extremely concerned that our young adult son is now manifesting the affects of his upbringing and the relationships and choices he is making is evident that either my wife really has bpd or I have screwed up some wear and may have it. I do not think I do, but more of a codependent behavior pattern  

 It's common for a child to partner with someone who exhibits familiar behaviors.  Unfortunately, they may hook up with someone who lacks emotional intelligence and become a "people pleaser" or co-dependent.

Along with possible undesirable learned behaviors (environmental), it's common for genetics to be in play.  It could be strategic for your son to  to have a few therapy sessions, to perhaps explore what a healthy relationship is.  It could be possible that he might have an issue with anxiety/depression.  

 Perhaps you may want to talk to your son and share that your relationship with your wife has lacked in the area of emotional intelligence and that you are concerned they he may have observed/learned some poor behaviors.

Share with your son that you want him to be successful in life and in his relationships with others and that emotional intelligence (EQ) can be more important than general intelligence (IQ).  

Emotional intelligence is commonly defined by four attributes:
1.  Self-management – You’re able to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

2. Self-awareness – You recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. You know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.

3. Social awareness – You have empathy. You can understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.

4. Relationship management – You know how to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.

If you Google, "best books on emotional intelligence", you will find a good book or two to provide/recommend for your son to read & explore.

This website has a lot of good information.  If you go to the large green band, towards the top of the page, you will find a "tools" menu.  There are some direct links there to some tools & there is a link to a section with all the workshops.  It can be an opportunity to fine tune some of your communication skills & perhaps learn a few new ones.