Scared and wondering

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband of 9.5 years has both bpd and adhd, which we only discovered in the past year and a half.  At the beginning of our relationship he seemed too good to be true.  He called me frequently, said kind things and was gentle and kind.  Months after we got married things started to change.  He worked away from home and expected me to drop everything and be intimate the instant he got home. I also had a full time stressful and time consuming job while handling all the renovations on our new home.  He started to show me his angry side which was very threatening.  He often broke things when mad but apologized profusely afterward.  We had a daughter in 2014.  When I was giving birth he was bored and passed the time by watching Netflix.  He took the first two weeks off work and spent the majority of that time playing video games.  When I would ask him to hold the baby he would refuse and tell me to nurse her.  The only time he would hold her was if there were other people around to see him being a good dad.  We accidentally got pregnant a couple years later.  I remember the day I got pregnant with my second daughter.  I agreed to have sex because he convinced me that I was a terrible wife because he deserved more of that. He assured me things would be different this time around, that he had learned from his ways and was able to handle it now.  He did stay beside me during my short delivery but told me that I was on night duty as he needed his sleep.  
Fast forward to today.  He has only become angrier, most likely because with two small children and my working full time the house is not always perfectly clean and I am unable to do everything myself.  When I ask him to do one thing each day (like mow the lawn) he treats me as if he is doing me such a favor and sometimes blows up at me that I expect too much out of him.  One night after he had been drinking he demanded sex and when I refused he held a knife over me.  I thought I was gong to die that day and I just laid there and thought about my children’s future without me.  Unfortunately he is very good at hiding this behaviour and is also very good at convincing others that I am the problem.
I have decided to get a divorce and told him in the kindest way possible.  It has been two weeks and he screams at me everyday.  He calls me sometimes 50 times a day.  He flips back and forth between calling me a bitch and telling me he loves me so much and will do whatever it takes.  He tries to scare me into staying, guilt me into staying for the kids, threatens suicide and tries to tell me I will never be able to find someone else that can love me and my imperfections.  
I have a meeting with a lawyer in two days.  It is the first meeting. I need to get some kind of advice about custody. Sometimes he is a good dad but when he has had a bad day he gets ugly quickly.  I do not think he can handle the unpredictability of children without blowing up at them.  Should I be fighting for full custody? What kind of evidence does the court system need in order to grant me this?

[Leanna]

My husband of 9.5 years has both bpd and adhd, which we only discovered in the past year and a half.  At the beginning of our relationship he seemed too good to be true.  He called me frequently, said kind things and was gentle and kind.  Months after we got married things started to change.  He worked away from home and expected me to drop everything and be intimate the instant he got home. I also had a full time stressful and time consuming job while handling all the renovations on our new home.  He started to show me his angry side which was very threatening.  He often broke things when mad but apologized profusely afterward.  We had a daughter in 2014.  When I was giving birth he was bored and passed the time by watching Netflix.  He took the first two weeks off work and spent the majority of that time playing video games.  When I would ask him to hold the baby he would refuse and tell me to nurse her.  The only time he would hold her was if there were other people around to see him being a good dad.  We accidentally got pregnant a couple years later.  I remember the day I got pregnant with my second daughter.  I agreed to have sex because he convinced me that I was a terrible wife because he deserved more of that. He assured me things would be different this time around, that he had learned from his ways and was able to handle it now.  He did stay beside me during my short delivery but told me that I was on night duty as he needed his sleep.  
Fast forward to today.  He has only become angrier, most likely because with two small children and my working full time the house is not always perfectly clean and I am unable to do everything myself.  When I ask him to do one thing each day (like mow the lawn) he treats me as if he is doing me such a favor and sometimes blows up at me that I expect too much out of him.  One night after he had been drinking he demanded sex and when I refused he held a knife over me.  I thought I was gong to die that day and I just laid there and thought about my children’s future without me.  Unfortunately he is very good at hiding this behaviour and is also very good at convincing others that I am the problem.
I have decided to get a divorce and told him in the kindest way possible.  It has been two weeks and he screams at me everyday.  He calls me sometimes 50 times a day.  He flips back and forth between calling me a bitch and telling me he loves me so much and will do whatever it takes.  He tries to scare me into staying, guilt me into staying for the kids, threatens suicide and tries to tell me I will never be able to find someone else that can love me and my imperfections.  
I have a meeting with a lawyer in two days.  It is the first meeting. I need to get some kind of advice about custody. Sometimes he is a good dad but when he has had a bad day he gets ugly quickly.  I do not think he can handle the unpredictability of children without blowing up at them.  Should I be fighting for full custody? What kind of evidence does the court system need in order to grant me this?

[GaGrl]

Welcome...you've found your way to the right place.   

Many of us have been through this process and can help and support you.

Much of what follows from your decision to divorce will depend on your state, and your lawyer will be helpful in working through this. How many lawyers are you interviewing before you select one to represent you? You might want to interview as many as three. In divorcing a person with NPD or BPD, it can be important to have a lawyer who has worked with high conflict divorce situations.

What do you expect to happen now? Will you petition for temporary orders for him to move out of the house? Will you work out a temporary child custody arrangement that you can be comfortable with -- or do you expect him to want 50-50 custody?

And are you seeing a therapist? That can be a great source of support.

[Leanna]

This is the first lawyer I have set up a time with.  My counsellor recommended them and said that if they arnt right for the situation they might direct me to who is. 
He moved out already... well sort of anyway. My parents owned a house that they were trying to flip and they let him move in there.  That doesn’t usually stop him from coming into our house whenever he likes. 
I think that he will definitely fight for 50-50 custody.  For the first couple of months after he moved out he didn’t see them at all but now takes them a couple of nights a week. Sometimes it’s fine but like I say when he is upset and takes them I get very very nervous. I can’t say that I think he would intentionally hurt them or anything, he just gets very impulsive and careless that I worry about them not getting the proper attention to keep them safe.

[GaGrl]

In general, we encourage members who are in the space between separating and divorcing to work with their lawyer to get the best temporary order possible. Several  members have found that temp orders ended up being in place for as long as two years while a final divorce was negotiated.

So, if you can get a temp order that minimizes the amount of time he has the children on his own, that can give you leave of mind. Do you think he would agree to an every other weekend/one mid-week evening?

You can talk to the lawyer about included verbiage about his entering your house. In some states, if you are co-owners, it might be more difficult to restrict him. But it's worth a try on privacy terms.

I'm glad to hear you have a counselor.

What are your biggest concerns over the filing period, or regarding a settlement agreement?

[ForeverDad]

In my temp orders I had alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.  That evening was barely enough for a quick meal.  On the other hand, my court allowed a fully 3 day weekend, 72 hours between Friday 6 pm to Monday 6 pm.  That was very generous, most minority time parents get shorter weekends.  Friday pm to Sunday pm is typical, while some have been limited to shorter weekends such as Sat am to Sunday pm, or even no overnights and just a daytime weekend visit.  Courts allow variations because family circumstances differ.

It may come down to your determination versus his pressuring.  Sort of the old adage, the immovable wall versus the irresistible force.  Can you be the "immovable wall" for what you consider less unsafe and less unpredictable?

In addition, factor in your safety concerns and you can ask for your stbEx to be limited to some level of supervised status.

[Panda39]

A book that you might find helpful is...

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD, Randi Kreger

(Keep it where he isn't going to see it)

Hang in there, 
Panda39