Sharing Emotion

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I’m long winded if you all haven’t figured out. My MIL used to do this religious stream of conscious writing. Looked kind of crazy, imo, but I feel like that’s what I do here...some kind of BPD stream of conscious thought dump.

Anyway, my other thread is pretty long and serious and I wanted to ask a specific question that I didn’t want to get lost in that dialogue.

Does you pwPD over emote in response to your shared feelings?  I guess I know the answer, right?  

How do you deal with it?

For example, I may get annoyed with a situation. It may make me really annoyed, but I (1) see it as a singular incident, which I believe it is and (2) vent it and move on. Not talking about repeated bad behaviors.

It is like Ozzie said in her latest thread about her hairstylist. She did great not letting her H sway her behavior or belief.

How do you manage it when your feelings are intensified and sometimes weaponized?  Do you stop sharing?

Right now I’m not in love with the schools plan for reopening. I don’t believe it is safe or realistic. But, it’s also not final and I’m looking into alternatives if I don’t feel our kids’ health and safety will be protected.

But, I’m doing this in conjunction with giving the school the chance to improve their plan (they have said they are still working on it).

I discuss with H (he always wants my thoughts and then adopts them as his own and then says it was his idea — fun fact — I’m smartening up and may figure out how to get some really good stuff and let him think it was his idea all along, jk). So, my concerns become absolutes and then the school is terrible and all jerks.

Play this out on the guy who cut me off driving or the order pick up girl who gave me the wrong pasta. They become villains. I’m mad/disappointed at the moment but get over it and suppose maybe they other person was busy, rushing to something really important, whatever. I just get annoyed AND then over it.

Question is...do you just stop sharing stories?  Just seems lame...often by the time I’m over it, I’ve found something funny about it and want to share.


idk, just curious how you balance sharing when stuff gets blown way up.

Love any good strategies...thanks!

[UBPDHelp]

Hi all,

I’m long winded if you all haven’t figured out. My MIL used to do this religious stream of conscious writing. Looked kind of crazy, imo, but I feel like that’s what I do here...some kind of BPD stream of conscious thought dump.

Anyway, my other thread is pretty long and serious and I wanted to ask a specific question that I didn’t want to get lost in that dialogue.

Does you pwPD over emote in response to your shared feelings?  I guess I know the answer, right?  

How do you deal with it?

For example, I may get annoyed with a situation. It may make me really annoyed, but I (1) see it as a singular incident, which I believe it is and (2) vent it and move on. Not talking about repeated bad behaviors.

It is like Ozzie said in her latest thread about her hairstylist. She did great not letting her H sway her behavior or belief.

How do you manage it when your feelings are intensified and sometimes weaponized?  Do you stop sharing?

Right now I’m not in love with the schools plan for reopening. I don’t believe it is safe or realistic. But, it’s also not final and I’m looking into alternatives if I don’t feel our kids’ health and safety will be protected.

But, I’m doing this in conjunction with giving the school the chance to improve their plan (they have said they are still working on it).

I discuss with H (he always wants my thoughts and then adopts them as his own and then says it was his idea — fun fact — I’m smartening up and may figure out how to get some really good stuff and let him think it was his idea all along, jk). So, my concerns become absolutes and then the school is terrible and all jerks.

Play this out on the guy who cut me off driving or the order pick up girl who gave me the wrong pasta. They become villains. I’m mad/disappointed at the moment but get over it and suppose maybe they other person was busy, rushing to something really important, whatever. I just get annoyed AND then over it.

Question is...do you just stop sharing stories?  Just seems lame...often by the time I’m over it, I’ve found something funny about it and want to share.


idk, just curious how you balance sharing when stuff gets blown way up.

Love any good strategies...thanks!

[formflier]

For me the important thing is to "nip it" the moment they take "my" thing and go off track with it.

Generally "befuddlement" is best or ask them who they are talking about.

Sometimes "Oh my...it appears you misunderstood..."

Basically give them the chance to "come back to earth." 

If they do...keep going...if they don't..move along to something else.

It is tough though to have your experience hijacked.

Best,

FF

[BDR]

truthfully the only thing i could share without getting called out as being the most negative man in the world was either funny stories or the latest events or stories - without my opinion - especially if it went against hers or popular opinion. I eventfully would just ask her about the latest netflix series she was binge watching or her facebook posts that she hid in for hours upon hours.

we once went to a marriage counselor and our homework was to sit down for 5 to 10 minutes a day and just dialogue about how each others day was - we couldn't even complete that - she would avoid that at all costs . yet she would listen to her sister for hours talking about all the good and bad that happened at her job as a practitioner in the hospital?

[UBPDHelp]

For me the important thing is to "nip it" the moment they take "my" thing and go off track with it.

Generally "befuddlement" is best or ask them who they are talking about.

Sometimes "Oh my...it appears you misunderstood..."

Basically give them the chance to "come back to earth."  

If they do...keep going...if they don't..move along to something else.

It is tough though to have your experience hijacked.

Best,

FF

Hi FF,

Curious, is the “misunderstood” meant solely to loop back around?  FYI, I think telling him he misunderstood would make him angry. I generally will say maybe I wasn’t clear...not sure how damaging that is...

I don’t think he misunderstands, I think it’s more the “punishment” is extreme that concerns/bothers me.

 I can’t vent a frustration without him somehow becoming invested in it and then going off on extremes — feelings, stories.

I guess I have to excuse myself when I can, when I can’t, have to try to reign it in.
Just wanted to know how others managed if these things happen. Doesn’t seem reasonable to not be able to share a frustration, but the extremes often make it unpalatable. 

[UBPDHelp]

truthfully the only thing i could share without getting called out as being the most negative man in the world was either funny stories or the latest events or stories - without my opinion - especially if it went against hers or popular opinion. I eventfully would just ask her about the latest netflix series she was binge watching or her facebook posts that she hid in for hours upon hours.

This is familiar.  H can’t watch/hear the news ever. Ever. Gets annoyed with me that I watch even when he’s not home. He only wants trashy reality tv, movies and is mostly okay to discuss those, unless the reality has any religious or political side. Then rants begin.

He also relentlessly checks Facebook. It’s kind of sad. But the way we sit in the family room, he is to the side and slightly forward so I see every time he picks up his phone to check. Often it is every 5-10 minutes when sitting still. I suspect he’s looking for some sort of validation, idk.

we once went to a marriage counselor and our homework was to sit down for 5 to 10 minutes a day and just dialogue about how each others day was - we couldn't even complete that - she would avoid that at all costs . yet she would listen to her sister for hours talking about all the good and bad that happened at her job as a practitioner in the hospital?

This is interesting. Why do you think?

My H will not discuss his day, which in turn means he doesn’t ask about my day. Often I tell him some anyway. I feel like it’s a connection point and I guess, taking a step back, it’s something about things being superficial. 

He also gets angry if you say good bye or tell him to have a nice day. I also never get those.

Thanks for sharing BDR...I don’t know your story very well, but would be interested in where you are in your journey. Take care.

[formflier]

  H can’t watch/hear the news ever. Ever. Gets annoyed with me that I watch even when he’s not home. 

So what kind of self care does he do while you watch the news?

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

Ha, he generally has the remote. He doesn’t watch news. I generally watch when he’s not around but don’t immediately change when he comes.

Self soothe?  He flips out.

Even when he is watching a show, if a commercial about covid (even a helping one) comes on, he mutes it and it often turns into a rant about the hypocrisy.

Zero self soothing with this. Sheer avoidance.

[formflier]

So...I for one would be interested in what happens if you watched the news for 15 minutes.

Seriously.


Step back for a bit and think about what you have learned here.  Maybe even specifically..."Well this article I read says xyz...so I'll try that.  And Babyducks would probably say abc and (insert) would probably say...

Again..don't rush this.  Ask yourself "is that really what the article is saying?"  "Have I really understood what this person has been trying to communicate?"

Yet focus it on the goal of relaxing in your living room and watching some news..

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

Does you pwPD over emote in response to your shared feelings?  

people with BPD/NPD have harmfully intense emotions and their time between impulse and reaction is much shorter than what is considered average.

 I can’t vent a frustration without him somehow becoming invested in it and then going off on extremes — feelings, stories.

people with BPD/NPD do not have a good understanding of where they stop and where another person starts.   they have porous emotional  boundaries.    they enmesh with the people around them.   and they have harmfully intense emotions that can swing wildly in the space of minutes.

people with BPD/NPD take much longer to return to emotional baseline.    there is actual science behind this if you are interested.    from what you describe your Husband's ability to get to emotional baseline is very rudimentary.

he does not process or experience emotions the way you do.

if you want to share an antidote with him... I would suggest you beef up your communication skills to do so...    the way you express emotion to him will have an impact.

[UBPDHelp]

people with BPD/NPD have harmfully intense emotions and their time between impulse and reaction is much shorter than what is considered average.

people with BPD/NPD do not have a good understanding of where they stop and where another person starts.   they have porous emotional  boundaries.    they enmesh with the people around them.   and they have harmfully intense emotions that can swing wildly in the space of minutes.

people with BPD/NPD take much longer to return to emotional baseline.    there is actual science behind this if you are interested.    from what you describe your Husband's ability to get to emotional baseline is very rudimentary.

he does not process or experience emotions the way you do.

if you want to share an antidote with him... I would suggest you beef up your communication skills to do so...    the way you express emotion to him will have an impact.

Thanks ‘ducks. I mean I do understand...you’ve all been amazing teachers. It still surprises me how little annoyances turn into crazy so fast.

I clearly don’t have the appropriate skills, so I often just stop sharing.  That works.

Just wish there was middle ground. There’s not.

[babyducks]

It still surprises me how little annoyances turn into crazy so fast.

I clearly don’t have the appropriate skills, so I often just stop sharing.  That works.

Just wish there was middle ground. There’s not.

I'm going to disagree.    there is middle ground.     

have you heard of Beck's cognitive distortions?     Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves and our situation.

Everyone has cognitive distortions.    everyone has these patterns of thought.   what matters is the level of intensity of the distortions.

one of the most common distortions is Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).

In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white” — all or nothing. We have to be perfect or we’re a complete and abject failure — there is no middle ground.  We don't have the appropriate communication skills so we will stop sharing is black and white thinking.    A person with polarized thinking places people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and most situations. A person with black-and-white thinking sees things only in extremes.

another distortion is blaming.

When a person engages in blaming, they hold other people responsible for their emotional pain. They hold other people responsible for their actions.   They may also take the opposite track and instead blame themselves for every problem — even those clearly outside their own control.

For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and actions.

this is not to say it's easy to talk to your husband.   it isn't.  that's a given.   if your husband was a great mature communicator you would not be on a website for families struggling with mental illness.   talking with your husband at any level is challenging.   still you are married to him and some communication is necessary.   entirely up to you to decide when, how much and what effort to put in it.

if you want to share a frustration about watching the news or the girl who gave you the wrong pasta...   it important to be willing to learn new approaches... be willing to try and adjust responses as you learn... be willing to fail at the new approaches.

[UBPDHelp]

I'm going to disagree.    there is middle ground. 

Yes, but is there middle ground with him?  

have you heard of Beck's cognitive distortions?     Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves and our situation.

Everyone has cognitive distortions.    everyone has these patterns of thought.   what matters is the level of intensity of the distortions.

one of the most common distortions is Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).

In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white” — all or nothing. We have to be perfect or we’re a complete and abject failure — there is no middle ground.  We don't have the appropriate communication skills so we will stop sharing is black and white thinking.    A person with polarized thinking places people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and most situations. A person with black-and-white thinking sees things only in extremes.

I know I share the bad so it seems I think very black and white, but I really don’t. Do I believe he is a horrible person when he sends me those texts, yes. Do I think he’s entirely horrible, no.

another distortion is blaming.

When a person engages in blaming, they hold other people responsible for their emotional pain. They hold other people responsible for their actions.   They may also take the opposite track and instead blame themselves for every problem — even those clearly outside their own control.

For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and actions.

this is not to say it's easy to talk to your husband.   it isn't.  that's a given.   if your husband was a great mature communicator you would not be on a website for families struggling with mental illness.   talking with your husband at any level is challenging.   still you are married to him and some communication is necessary.   entirely up to you to decide when, how much and what effort to put in it.

if you want to share a frustration about watching the news or the girl who gave you the wrong pasta...   it important to be willing to learn new approaches... be willing to try and adjust responses as you learn... be willing to fail at the new approaches.

I am working on this. Saying she gave me the wrong pasta so I’m frustrated because I needed the other for the recipe does not equate to that she must be a meth head daydreaming about giving her pimp bf a bj. Like how do you communicate with that?  For anyone who thinks he’s making a (poor form) joke, he’s not. He’s actually angry that some poor girl he’s never laid eyes on is a drug addict and end-of-world grabbed the wrong pasta.  How’s that for cognitive distortion?  Jk.

Anyway, most of the time the exchange starts with a non important, non controversial anecdote and turns into all kinds of crazy.

I’ll look into and work on my skills. 

[babyducks]

I know I share the bad so it seems I think very black and white, but I really don’t. Do I believe he is a horrible person when he sends me those texts, yes. Do I think he’s entirely horrible, no.

If I raise my right hand and take a solemn oath that this isn't what I meant... can we look at this from another angle?     

I'm actually not talking about him at all UBPDHelp.   

I'm not thinking about if he is good person or a horrible person.

I'm not thinking about if you think he is good or horrible.

I am thinking about cognitive distortions.     Mature thinking.    as opposed to immature black and white thinking.    mature decision making as opposed to snap decisions.

you are going to hate this UBPDHelp - but lets dig deeper.    black and white thinking is also binary thinking.    the light switch is on or it's off.    there is no middle ground.   I either share or I never share.

Just wish there was middle ground. There’s not.

There is no middle ground.   Black and white.   Polarizing.   Reinforces the idea there is no value in trying.    Reinforces the current situation as it.     Reinforces his ability to drive your behavior.   

We've talked about nuance and subtleties before.    Can we look at nuance and subtleties again?

[Perdita]

This very thing has been on my mind a lot lately.  I am too scared at this point to share anything.  If I am happy about something and share it then he just bulldozes over it and talks about whatever he wants to.  Usually small talk, but talks like it's very important.  If I am sad and I tell him - or even don't but my silence gives me away - then it's game on.  He doesn't listen or comfort.  He rages and some how his problems will always come into it and they are always more important.  In fact, the whole world's problems are always more important than mine.  I am withdrawing more and more emotionally.  It's safer.   There are just too many times when I don't even feel human anymore.