Daughter

[Believer12]

My adult daughter has a mental illness. Doesn’t share the diagnosis with us except ptsd, anxiety, and depression. She left home at 18 and is now 20. We have been estranged off and on.  She has accused many people of abuse including my husband and I.  None of the claims have ever been substantiated.  She insists on being the victim. She has attached herself to a bipolar man. Broke up his marriage a year and half ago and they live together. She is a chronic liar. We can’t believe anything she says. When we are speaking  she tells so many fantastic lies. It’s very difficult to not react. I try to keep peace.  She has distancing behaviors. No matter how I try to keep peace she will eventually find something to be hurt or angry about and then doesn’t communicate for quite a while. Then likes to act like nothing was wrong and we are the ones over reacting. Won’t speak to her father since March as she wanted to borrow money and he said no. She had already been living with the bipolar guy over a year at that point. She had been telling stories around that her dad had sexually abused her.  We had heard the stories. Of course this is not true.  She is adopted and was diagnosed with an attachment disorder at 15. She had been involved in the occult with an online boyfriend we did not know about.  Ended up in two extensive runaways with this guy. So lots of things have happened.  But I want to know how you act sane and normal in a relationship with someone like this. She hurts my feelings and I withdraw myself at times. I have a heart too. She never sees her part in causing conflict and hurt.  She is always the victim in her mind.  Does not work. Has excuses for that. Her fiancé finally got a job and we hope he will keep it. They are very good at working the system. She has been picked up for shoplifting, has done a lot of cutting, suicide threats, and has an eating disorder.  We know they use marijuana and drink but not sure the extent. Smokes. We have three biological sons. All healthy mentally and doing well.  Great relationships with them. She says we favor them. We favor good actions yes. So does she. That makes no logical sense to say that. No clue how to be in this relationship and want to just have peace about it. My husband says just stay away from her until she grows up.  This is not something she will grow out of I’m thinking.  Possible I suppose. Any suggestions? Final word.  It seems like she really likes to be in control of the contact and relationship in general. Her rules at all times. If this was a friend I would have ended the friendship long ago. Not fun.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Believer12 - Welcome!
I'm sorry about your situation with your daughter.  It has to be heartbreaking.

You can't fix her, only she can do that.  All you can do is set & enforce your personal boundaries and manage how you interact & react with/to her.  Using some strategic communication skills can make things better for you.

She is adopted and was diagnosed with an attachment disorder at 15.. .Doesn’t share the diagnosis with us except ptsd, anxiety, and depression. . .She has been picked up for shoplifting, has done a lot of cutting, suicide threats, and has an eating disorder.

Do you know any details about her bio parents?  Mental health issues, addictions, etc?

We have three biological sons. All healthy mentally and doing well.  Great relationships with them. She says we favor them. . .

How are the relationships between your daughter & sons?

I would agree with your husband's choice to not lend money & thereby not reward bad behaviors.

If you do connect with her, you might consider meeting her in a public place when/as possible with current situation where you live.  At least, in a public restaurant, it can be easier to leave, when she behaves badly.

The best thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself and perhaps take this time to learn some of the communication skills referenced here.  Check out the large green band, towards the top of the page.  Check out the "Tools" menu.  A good place to start is with "Boundaries" & "Don't Invalidate" feelings.  There is, also, a link there to "Workshops".  In the "Workshop" area, you can find info about the SET communication technique, which is a good skill to learn, as well.

I shouldn't say this, but I hope she doesn't get pregnant by her bipolar boyfriend.  That genetic & environmental mix would be tragic for a child.