Need help, advice please

[Kezza1972]

Hello everyone, this is my first post and I hope you can give me some advice please on how to deal with my daughters BPD. I suppose I’d better give you some background. My daughter is 22 and her mental health issues came to light last year with self harming and then overdoses. However, in April things got much worse. My daughter took an overdose and jumped off a bridge. She was in ICU (where I work!) for two weeks and in hospital for a further five weeks. She had multiple injuries including a brain injury. Cognitively she is doing well, but it’s difficult to tell if her tiredness is neuro fatigue or her BPD. I’m her carer, she’s only just starting to walk as she injured both legs. She’s having to sleep downstairs in a hospital bed, with a commode etc as it’s not safe for her to use the stairs yet. She had a large portion of her skull removed, so has little brain protection, she will have further surgery to add a plate later this year. I just don’t know how to help her. I’ve seen what she has posted on social media about not making the same mistakes next time and I just know we will lose her eventually. She’s having DBT, all medication is locked up and I’ve made sure there are no sharps around. At times she is really snappy with me and it really hurts. But she is not a straightforward BPD, she has a brain injury which can change a persons moods. She is still my daughter but a different version. Both my husband and I are working opposite shifts to ensure one of us are around at all times. It’s exhausting caring for her, dealing with her physical needs, being around for her 24/7 and then dealing with her ungrateful, snappy comments. Both my husband and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure I can take much more. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Football2000]

Wow, you are going through a herculean effort to care for your daughter. That is some true love right there. Not sure I have any advice, but just want to say that you and your husband's devotion to her is incredible and heartbreaking at the same time. I hope your daughter gets better.

[FaintTheGoat]

I wish I had some good advice for you,  it unfortunately I don’t. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you and will be keeping you and your family in my prayers. This sounds like a heart wrenching and extremely stressful situation, and one that crosses both your home and your work. It’s good to hear she has DBT underway while her body recovers. Please remember to do your best to take care if yourself, and don’t feel bad about reinforcing appropriate boundaries if those snappy comments cross the line to abuse. Hang in there and keep us posted!

[formflier]

Kezza1972

You have a lot on your plate!  I'm so glad you have posted and are reaching out for help and also so sorry you have this burden to carry.

How long do you think it will be until until the bedridden phase of recovery is over?

Does your child remember the bridge jumping incident?

I'll check back soon to see how you are doing.

Best,

FF

[Tanager]

Sometimes I long for a magic wand to heal the pain of everyone dealing with bpd. Many parents have posted lately about their 20+  aged children. Mine has attempted suicide, has an eating disorder and has self harmed. She's living at home and I'm her care provider while my husband recovers from cancer. Not easy and the "snappy" attitude and blame doesn't help when you're working so hard to help.  My advice is to keep posting. Just knowing others have the same struggles has helped me immeasurably.  Hang in there!

[Jen2020]

Wow.  I am so sorry.  And as I read your post I feel such empathy and fear that I may be in a very similar situation soon. I'm curious - How has dealing with the consequences of her physical injuries affected or changed her perspective if at all?

My daughter jumped off the second floor balcony last year and fortunately just broke her nose and fractured her arm.  Her head came about an inch from the corner of a wood table and she could easily have had massive head trauma. After paying 6k OoP for plastic surgery to fix her nose, she thought the bridge was 2 wide and threatened that she 'could never be happy unless I paid for another surgery to fix it'.

She was just in IIP for the fourth time (3rd time just this year) due to suicidal gestures/attempts.  This time (today) I managed to get her transferred door-to-door to Sierra Tuscon in AZ which is supposed to be a leading BPD treatment center.  I am very hopeful that they will help her - last hope.

I 100% understand the hurtfulness of the 'snappy' comments.  I am already in debt, and have incurred an additional 26k for the freshman year she failed out of, along with 10's of thousands in medical expenses for trips to ER, IIP, psychiatrist, tests, DBT, and now the cost of Sierra Tuscon.  (There is limited insurance coverage, but it was $5900 OoP up front and another 10k required for TMS). I can barely do my job due to the stress of managing all of these things and tending to her wellbeing. It has been relentless for 5 years now. My intent is not to complain  -  my point is just to say that I understand how much harder it makes it when there is such a lack of appreciation or even understanding of the sacrifices being made to support - and to the contrary, I'm constantly told that I have 'never done anything to support her' and if I ask about anything 'I'm an adult and I have zero obligation to you', while she is mentally, physically, and financially bankrupting me.

As far as advice, hang in there - even if it's a thankless/unappreciated job.  I read that BPD is most intense from 18 to 20-something.  I truly hope your daughter heals physically and mentally.  In the mean time, make sure you take care of you as well.  Do as I say, not as I do. .

You are not alone.

[Jen2020]

One additional thought - you mentioned her posting on SM about not making same mistakes.  It seems that all of my daughter's gestures of self-harm, suicide, suicide attempts have had a 'performative' aspect to them.  She is posting on SM, or txting people, sending 'goodbye' videos to x's that broke up with her, threatening self harm with me if I attempt to hold her accountable for anything whatsoever.  It's like is has somehow become her only coping mechanism or 'relationship currency' if you will.  And while she has gotten some short term sympathy out of people, she has now literally lost EVERY friend and alienated everyone in the family but me.  She is utterly alone and isolated which is apparently the worst fear of someone with BDP. 

Did you see such a pattern with your daughter?

[FaintTheGoat]

Jen2020, my 16 y/o daughter follows a similar pattern. Dramatic, theatrical gestures or threats of self harm, and sometimes doing things like not answering the phone after a suicide threat (and then I think the worst only to find her totally calm and cool after I rush out of meetings and drive home with my heart beating out of my chest thinking the worst, and find her telling me she’d  just forgotten to check in after school and just hadn’t thought to check her phone). I’m not 100% certain, but I suspect this well built pattern of hers is designed to get some confirmation for her that someone will come rushing to her and she is loved. Almost feels like she is trying to incite a “no don’t!” Outpouring of validation and attention with each threat or gesture. It’s hard to walk the tightrope of affirming she is loved and I don’t want her hurt, and not feeding the behavior of leveraging those unhealthy tactics (actual or threatened self harm or attempts) by rushing in immediately with attention and care. It is such a tight rope. My DD hasn’t used social media (mainly because she has kept getting her tech privileges revoked), but has also really alienated herself with this pattern. Her 17 y/o brother, who has happened to find her or be around for most of her gestures and attempts, feels very exhausted by it all and like it’s an odd game to her, and  doesn’t really want a relationship with her.