How do I end a friendship a BPD Person?

[HiStrangers]

Hi everyone,

I dont know where to start. First, my english aint perfect 'cause it's not my native language. Second, I hope no one gets offended by what I am about to say and I hope you may understand me. To keep it private, I use they/them pronouns for the BPD Person.

The BPD Person ain't a family member, they is just a friend from college.

I'm currently in college and in febuary I met a person, later I discovered they had BPD.
I learn about mental health disorders in college so I didnt thought about it.
Well, my cousin has BPD too, and we have a great connection. So I thought I could handle her.
But in the last time I discovered that they tried to manipulate me. I dont know if they know about it but it messed with my mental health.
I cant just chat without thinking about manipulation, I cant even think about previous situation without thinking about manipulations, or ways they might have manipulated me. And I feel like I know that the whole friendship is build out of it. After our first chat (at day one) they told me "I am so happy, to have you in my life." A couple days later it changed to "I really needed (sounded more like need) you in my life!"
They always told me that "I am the only one who gets them" and that "I am very important to them". They kinda acts like they is my best friend, just because I listened and tried to help.
In the last few days, I was very busy with exams and stuff. I had no problem, I just didnt used my phone for a few hours to study.
I got 5 messages that were about "Are you mad?", "I am sorry, do you have problems, we can talk about it?".
I know that they tried to be nice and supportive but it really got on a nerve.
I always reply straight after I saw their messages.
They struggle with their self-esteem and self hate alot, and I always tried to convince them that they are good enough.

We hung out a few times but always for more than eight hours, also we saw each other in college daily. Due to Corona we couldnt see each other since april in college but we meet personally at our homes.

The last time was at a Shisha Bar, I dont know if you call it that way in other countries.
So we drank alcohol and smoked. Over the time they really got comfortable around me and talked about a lot of deep stuff. At one point they got triggered about talking about god and I did understand it and tried to change the subject. After that point they just said nice things to me like "you are such a good person" and "what would I do without you". And it wasnt just talking, it was like I could see it in their eyes that they meant it. Like really meant it.
After the bar closed, we waited for their Uber. They began to talk so bad about themself, that I just used every nice word I could find in my state of mind to comfort them. I was so worried, they might to something to themself.

They went silent and just stared at me, then they leaned forward and tried to kiss me.
I mean I would be flattered but they did know that I am in a happy health long relationship with someone, and about how much I appreciate and love this person.
It just felt like they didnt respected that. We never talked about it but since then I get daily panic attacks and anxiety when I talk about them, or with them. I feel like I need to be with them, cause they dont have anybody. I know that I was manipulated, many told me. But when I tell them how I feel, I am afraid that they might do something to themselves, it happened before after a friendship of them broke up. I dont want to be a reason for this behaviour and I really try not to become one. But while I try not to be manipulated the more I think they getting sad or mad at themself. They also manipulated me against a friend cause they said such cruel things and in the end it turned out nothing happened. The person with BPD admitted it, after I wanted to turn my back on them.
I want to get out of this manipulation circle but every time I try I get texts like "You dont care about me" or "no body likes me".
Is there an easy way, to get a break? Or just to show that I wont tolerate this behaviour.
Literally everytime I try to show them I wont tolerate it, it comes back even harder. Like threatening with taking their life or that they will do things so nobody will like me in the end.
I am so scared, that I wont even use correct pronouns here, so they might wont find this thread.
I just want to end this friendship, so I can find my own mental stability again.

Sorry for the long text, I dont know what to do.
I hope y'all have a great day and maybe some advice for me to improve my behaviour or how to deal with everything.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Is there an easy way, to get a break? Or just to show that I wont tolerate this behaviour.
Literally everytime I try to show them I wont tolerate it, it comes back even harder. Like threatening with taking their life or that they will do things so nobody will like me in the end.
I am so scared, that I wont even use correct pronouns here, so they might wont find this thread.
I just want to end this friendship, so I can find my own mental stability again.

HiStrangers - Welcome!
I'm sorry your friend is being abusive. I can understand how distressing this must be for you.

Don't worry about your pronouns. On the list of things in the world to worry about, that's low on my list.

Is she making the threats by text, phone or in person? I'd start documenting it in whatever way possible.  I don't know if recording conversations is legal where you live (i.e. use in court), but it could be helpful in some situations. Do you have any witnesses to her threats?  Document everything.

She is being abusive & trying to blackmail you. Threatening to commit suicide, to get someone to do or not do something is abusive.  You are not responsible, if she does commit suicide.  If you have reason to believe she could be serious about committing suicide, on a given occasion, you should follow the protocol for where you live & call the police or whatever agency handles those things where you live.

You may need to get a restraining order (or whatever they call it where you live:  no contact order, protective order).  Get prepared to enforce your boundary: i.e.
1. Get your documentation of past behaviors & interactions in order.

2.  Make a plan about how you will handle a suicide threat.  Prepare by speaking to someone on an abuse hotline and/or whatever agency handles suicide threats.

3.  Research the steps you need to take to establish a restraining order (no contact order or personal protection order - whatever fits where you live)

4.  Once prepared, enforce your boundary - NO CONTACT.  Block her on social media, phone, etc.

Is this friend currently in therapy or on any meds to manage their mental health issues?

[HiStrangers]

Is she making the threats by text, phone or in person? I'd start documenting it in whatever way possible.  I don't know if recording conversations is legal where you live (i.e. use in court), but it could be helpful in some situations. Do you have any witnesses to her threats?  Document everything.

Hey thanks for your comment.
She thrests mostly via text. Some times she mentions something to me in person about everything being so hard, but I wouldnt call it a threat.
I dont have witnesses, but I have all of her texts on my phone, I never delete it.

Is this friend currently in therapy or on any meds to manage their mental health issues?

She uses antidepressants but she sometimes mentions that they dont work good.
Shes in constant therapy since 4 month, once a week.

Thanks for the notes. I will write some numbers down so I can get to the information right away.

A restriction order may not be possible cause we both go to the same college and our campus is very small and so are our rooms, halls etc.
I dont want to change my college.

Do you have any advice how I could tell her that I want a break? Like a really smooth way to do that?

[Naughty Nibbler]

   Do you have any advice how I could tell her that I want a break? Like a really smooth way to do that?

I don't know if this sample is smooth, but it's likely honest.  You can modify it as you like.  It might be best to permanently keep boundaries in place, as opposed to a temporary break.  It can be a slippery slope to end up back to where you are now.
SAMPLE:
"I wish only the best for you, but I can't be held responsible for your mental well being or keep you from harming yourself.  When threats are directed at me, I am left in a disturbed and anxious state and that affects my studies. I need that to stop. This means that I'm no longer available to interact with you socially and appropriate blocks will be in place."

You can edit or add to this as you desire.  Since it's a small campus, if you anticipate having casual limited chats with her, when you pass her on campus, perhaps you might want to add a sentence about that or change the last sentence to what level of interaction you may still want. i.e. "I'm sure we will see each other around campus & we can chat casually, in a less complicated way."

BELOW IS SOME INFO. FROM THE HOTLINE.ORG: It's geared towards a partner, but the same principals would apply to a friend.

When Your Partner Threatens Suicide
“I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”

It seems like a no-win situation. When someone you’re close to says something like this, it can feel like the world just stopped spinning.

People who have a mental illness, such as Borderline Personality Disorder, typically have a higher risk for suicide. Depression, a history of substance abuse, and other disorders carry risks as well. If your partner truly wishes to die and has a plan and intention to follow through, get immediate help. Call your local emergency number, or call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

But what if your partner regularly threatens suicide, particularly whenever you’re not doing something he or she wants you to do, or when you’re trying to leave the relationship? First, understand that this is a form of emotional abuse: your partner is trying to manipulate you by playing on your feelings of love and fear for them. You might get angry when this happens, but you also might feel like you have to give in to them in order to avoid a potential tragedy. When your partner makes these threats repeatedly, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and possibly help your partner as well.

Tell your partner you care about them, but stick to your boundaries. Giving in to threats over and over does not make a relationship healthy, and it only creates anger and resentment on your end. You could say something like, “You know I care about you very much, and I understand you’re upset right now, but I will not _____.”

Put the choice to live or die where it belongs – on your partner. You can’t be responsible for another person’s actions, no matter what – and this includes when your partner chooses to be abusive. An optional response is: “I think our relationship should be based on love and respect, not threats. I really care about you, but this is your choice and I can’t stop you from making it.”

Remember that no matter what your partner says, you don’t have to prove anything. Even though they might be saying something like, “If you really loved me, you’d stop me from killing myself,” the real truth is that there are unhealthy patterns in your relationship. Until those unhealthy patterns are addressed, they will most likely continue no matter how many times you give in to your partner’s demands.

If your partner often says they’re going to kill themselves when things aren’t going their way, they’re not showing you love – they’re likely trying to control your actions. If this is the case, consider the tips above and try to get help where you can. You might try talking to a counselor or other professional therapist if that’s an option for you. But remember, you are not your partner’s counselor, and you can’t force your partner to get help if they don’t want to. They have to make that choice for themselves.

Please keep in mind that these tips may not be right for everyone; you know your own situation best. 

[livednlearned]

Your own pain is not minor to theirs.

Being manipulated, being subject to suicidal ideation (a violence that is particularly cruel to caring bystanders), having your feelings invalidated, shifting responsibility for their well-being onto you -- this is significant pain you are experiencing and it is not minor to theirs.

It can feel confusing because on one hand they feel deeply victimized, but in order to manage these feelings they become covertly aggressive -- they are unskilled at getting their formidable needs met in healthy ways. This aggression is masked by feelings of victimization so your heartstrings are activated, making it harder to address the aggression. The unhealthy result is that you are put in a bind where you put their needs ahead of your own, even though they are hurting you.

When you state a boundary to them, most likely they will escalate their needs in some way.

How do you feel they will respond if you were to text a message like the one NaughtyNibbler suggested?

How will you feel in response?

Sometimes the key to toning down an intense relationship like this is to state the main boundary explicitly, and then prepare for a brief storm.

During that storm, prepare to stick to your boundary despite what comes, and then start to make small changes in how you respond. For example, do not respond immediately. Use emojis instead of explanations. Offer little about how you are doing. Use repeat phrases about why you aren't as available (e.g. "I'm buried and so focused on studying. Gotta get back to this stuff, ugh). Use I statements.

They may do something drastic so have a plan for what you will do if that happens. If your greatest fear is that they will hurt themselves, call the suicide hotline and ask what the recommended response is. The suicide hotline is a wonderful resource for people who have someone in their life struggling with this.

If it is any consolation, my step daughter could be the person you are describing. She makes friends very quickly and has an equally hard time keeping them. When one friend comes into her life and then leaves, she tests to see what might get them back and if unsuccessful, she quickly finds someone new.

It's ok to support someone who has intense needs. The key is to be in a place where you feel emotionally strong enough, and skilled enough, to be in their life without suffering injuries yourself.