How to negotiate with BPDh. Advice please.

[siobhan823]

Hi all,

I'm preparing for a possible divorce with BPDh. I don't know for sure but I may have received the final discard a few weeks ago. I expect he won't file because he won't spend the money and he knows I will do it because the inaction drives me crazy... and maybe we won't be divorcing, I'm still waiting to hear from him in general, I just don't have much hope that I will. Either way, he has many of my things that I would like back.

We live in the US in a community property state. This question is about things that were mine before we were married that are in his possession, and also things that I purchased during our separations. My understanding is that those are my things, but I'm not sure and I haven't yet consulted an attorney.

In the past when I have asked to separate or divorce, he simply refuses to cooperate or give me anything that is mine and tells me to fight him in court but that I should know he will win. I'm not asking for a divorce, but since he has begun the silent treatment and seems to be the one leaving this time, I'm afraid he will have the same attitude as all of the other times we have broken up.

Basically we had a storage unit together but it was in his name (they would only allow one name) and my things were in there. He refused me access near the end, and when he moved into his own place he put everything in his apartment, except for a few things of mine (like paperwork and my children's things.) I can let go of everything we acquired together, though I'm not happy about it... but it's simply not worth the fight. I would like the rest back, if at all possible.

I think trying to communicate with him is my best option. I didn't know about any of the tools here until recently when I found this awesome forum. I've been doing a lot of things wrong when it comes to communicating with a pwBPD.

Has anyone had any luck in a situation like this?

Thanks for listening.

[GaGrl]

I'm not sure trying to communicate will be helpful, if he has stated that position in the past.

If you interview several lawyers and find one with whom you are comfortable, you might be able to combine the petition for divorce with a temp order for him to return your property that was clearly hours before marriage. You should be entitled to 50% of what was acquired during the marriage.

It would be helpful when talking to a lawyer to have a list of items/property -- before marriage and during marriage. He very specific.

[worriedStepmom]

If you didn't have a legal separation (if it was just informal), then anything either of you purchased during the separation is community property.  Gifts are usually considered separate property, as well as things purchased before the marriage.

GaGrl is right - make a list of ALL of the stuff you remember that both of you owned.  Mark whether you or he brought it into the marriage or if it was purchased after the marriage.  Give it a value (based on garage sale/thrift shop values).  If he refuses to give any of it back, then at the end you may be able to leverage that against any assets that the two of you have. 

You really ought to consult a lawyer to make sure you understand your rights. 

It is annoying as all get out when the other person wants out and makes you file for a divorce...but in the long run it's worth it to be free of a relationship that isn't working.

[PearlsBefore]

If the total value of the assets you could regain is less than half your annual income, I would advise you to forget about them. You might be handed a golden opportunity in the future to say you'll do him this one favour if he can drop the box of children's things off at your mother's place this weekend...but don't hold your breath, and it may well prove pointless to get a court order to return the stuff to you - at any rate, it's unlikely worth the headache, lost sleep and expenses. Nobody can take your memories from you, but don't stress about the souvenirs.

[Goosey]

Unless it really really valuable or sentimental to an extent it’s worth the legal fight I just let made the decision I don’t care what my wife took. But in the end it was all junk so that was easy. 
   In the end it doesn’t matter how considerate and equal you try to be. They will vilify you to such an extent I was second guessing my over reaching cooperation. 
  I just want rid of the snake.  Damn courts are in super slow motion due to pandemic.
  (Ya no compassion today- had to endure a rare day of Ignorant communication with the succubus) 
 

[siobhan823]

Unless it really really valuable or sentimental to an extent it’s worth the legal fight I just let made the decision I don’t care what my wife took. But in the end it was all junk so that was easy. 
   In the end it doesn’t matter how considerate and equal you try to be. They will vilify you to such an extent I was second guessing my over reaching cooperation. 
  I just want rid of the snake.  Damn courts are in super slow motion due to pandemic.
  (Ya no compassion today- had to endure a rare day of Ignorant communication with the succubus) 
 

I hear this. I hear all of you. So much of this is just about coming to terms with the reality of the lack of reciprocity and how it is never going to happen.

Little bits of hearing from him throws me off. I should just let go of it all and hire someone to get the divorce done as quickly and quietly as possible.

Thanks to all who responded.