Trying to find a solid direction

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,
It’s been a minute since I posted here, many things happened that really undermined my ability to cope effectively. I am fighting against this force of destruction that is brought on by my undiagnosed husband’s actions on a minute basis. My anxiety is through the roof, as well as the feeling of hopelessness. Even when one crisis ends and he tries to repair it, the next one is just around the corner. He refuses to leave the house under the delusion of the world order coming to an end soon. He acquires tangible assets such as precious metals, but doesn’t give me any money for the bills, forcing me to go into debt on a monthly basis. He also left the family bed over a week ago, instead choosing to sleep on the couch with the dog. Any exchanges we have had are hypercritical, irritated and vile. He claims to be the “prophet” while everyone else around him is blind. I have been reaching out to all available sources of support- the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder in the past. I don’t believe it is an accurate diagnosis since I did not disclose what was happening to my life, I only told her the symptoms. I am ready to go on the record and see how I can get an additional support from the professional community. I am also waitlisted to see a specialist who works with borderline/mood disorder population, I need someone who truly gets it to help me. It will likely take place in August/September as she is quite busy. I also started applying for job positions that would be able to sustain me and the children. My field has a narrow slot for job availability that I can qualify for. I will keep on trying, at some point it should work. I reach out to my girlfriends and share the honest recount of the events, I no longer  justify his behaviour by stress or extraneous circumstances. I do not wait on him, I don’t massage him, I don’t placate him when he is acting this way. I feel used and taken advantage of financially, he twisted my arm for him to open businesses, sell and buy properties, but now when I need to pay the bills for the house we live in, he refuses to do so for the next 6 months. His delusions are very real. I do my best to make the ends meet and not go too much in debt. My soul is crushed and I see no future, other then him being properly diagnosed and subsequently medicated. I chuckled when I saw the most recent news aka Kardashian and West. Kind of my byweekly reality.

[snowglobe]

Hello everyone,
It’s been a minute since I posted here, many things happened that really undermined my ability to cope effectively. I am fighting against this force of destruction that is brought on by my undiagnosed husband’s actions on a minute basis. My anxiety is through the roof, as well as the feeling of hopelessness. Even when one crisis ends and he tries to repair it, the next one is just around the corner. He refuses to leave the house under the delusion of the world order coming to an end soon. He acquires tangible assets such as precious metals, but doesn’t give me any money for the bills, forcing me to go into debt on a monthly basis. He also left the family bed over a week ago, instead choosing to sleep on the couch with the dog. Any exchanges we have had are hypercritical, irritated and vile. He claims to be the “prophet” while everyone else around him is blind. I have been reaching out to all available sources of support- the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder in the past. I don’t believe it is an accurate diagnosis since I did not disclose what was happening to my life, I only told her the symptoms. I am ready to go on the record and see how I can get an additional support from the professional community. I am also waitlisted to see a specialist who works with borderline/mood disorder population, I need someone who truly gets it to help me. It will likely take place in August/September as she is quite busy. I also started applying for job positions that would be able to sustain me and the children. My field has a narrow slot for job availability that I can qualify for. I will keep on trying, at some point it should work. I reach out to my girlfriends and share the honest recount of the events, I no longer  justify his behaviour by stress or extraneous circumstances. I do not wait on him, I don’t massage him, I don’t placate him when he is acting this way. I feel used and taken advantage of financially, he twisted my arm for him to open businesses, sell and buy properties, but now when I need to pay the bills for the house we live in, he refuses to do so for the next 6 months. His delusions are very real. I do my best to make the ends meet and not go too much in debt. My soul is crushed and I see no future, other then him being properly diagnosed and subsequently medicated. I chuckled when I saw the most recent news aka Kardashian and West. Kind of my byweekly reality.

[Cat Familiar]

How likely do you think it is that he would consent to being diagnosed and medicated?

And if he refuses, what's your plan?

[formflier]

I have been reaching out to all available sources of support

What did your lawyer have to say?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

What did your lawyer have to say?

Best,

FF

Hi Ff, didn’t speak to the lawyer, trying to explore mental health services available to help me.

[Notwendy]

With the pandemic, 12 step groups are now virtual. This might make it easier for you to attend one if you choose to. This doesn't take the place of therapy or seeing a lawyer, but it is a source of support that also doesn't require payment to attend- so it might be more accessible to you at the moment.

I think you could find a fit in either of these groups- for spouses, partners, or children of dysfunction.

Of course you can also post on this board. These meetings don't replace other forms of support, but can be helpful.

https://coda.org/find-a-meeting/online-meetings/?wpv_view_count=16580&wpv_sort_orderby=field-wpcf-meeting_language&wpv_sort_orderby_as=&wpv_sort_order=asc


https://adultchildren.org/resources/find-a-meeting/

[formflier]

Snowglobe

What has your "schedule" looked like for self care and for improving your health since the pandemic started?

Do you believe you are healthier or less healthy over that same period of time?

What do you believe you life will be like in 6 months?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

With the pandemic, 12 step groups are now virtual. This might make it easier for you to attend one if you choose to. This doesn't take the place of therapy or seeing a lawyer, but it is a source of support that also doesn't require payment to attend- so it might be more accessible to you at the moment.

I think you could find a fit in either of these groups- for spouses, partners, or children of dysfunction.

Of course you can also post on this board. These meetings don't replace other forms of support, but can be helpful.

https://coda.org/find-a-meeting/online-meetings/?wpv_view_count=16580&wpv_sort_orderby=field-wpcf-meeting_language&wpv_sort_orderby_as=&wpv_sort_order=asc


https://adultchildren.org/resources/find-a-meeting/

I am trying to secure something at the moment, but with undiagnosed husband’s constant presence at home it’s hard to have anything and running the risk of him barging in.

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe

What has your "schedule" looked like for self care and for improving your health since the pandemic started?

Do you believe you are healthier or less healthy over that same period of time?

What do you believe you life will be like in 6 months?

Best,

FF

Ff, Alone time is my only currently available self care method. Breathing and recognizing that some things are out of my control, also help me go back to sleep when I suffer panic attacks at night. I struggle to answer the relative condition of my health, a week ago I would say my health had been declining. My 6 months goal is to find an employment, help the eldest child to complete her credits and work on admission to college. With only one child left at home- which is more like 12 months goal I can exercise more control and decision making. My worst fear had been and always is for the children to see/hear experience the mania and mixed episodes. With only one minor child I can create a more realistic emergency plan, where the undiagnosed husband will finally experience consequences of his behaviour. 

[formflier]

  running the risk of him barging in.

Door locks?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Door locks?

Best,

FF

There aren’t any locks on the doors, other then the bedroom which is the common space. The moods shift drastically, we have been ok for a week, he found a new high return on investment another get rich fast scheme which worked for about a week. This afternoon it came crushing down, he started swearing at me, tell me to “;()$ off” to which I removed myself from him to another room. We have an agreement not to go out, travel without each other as he engages in high risk behaviour which quickly picks up the speed. As I am sitting in the bedroom I get the message from him “ I want us to start taking vacations separately“. I see it as a form of manipulation and veiled “let’s get divorced threat”. I replied “I am not validating this nonsense”. I don’t have the power if he picks up and leaves. However I will not particularly in this discussion meant to create a state of chaos and confusion, especially since there was no “precedent”. Little stabs - he was ignored at the public gathering by his former best friend, the contractors didn’t perform labour to his standards, he lost his “playing money” at the high stake business investment. None of those have anything to do with me. To my message  he replied “ you will sleep alone for a few weeks and then I will return to this conversation. I will see how much more compliant you will become”. He punishes me with leaving the family bed and bedroom every other week. I should start recording just how frequently he wants to punish me with abandonment. It hurts. I don’t beg anymore. I keep my door open I give him a chance to come back. I test the waters once in a while, but I don’t cry and give him the desired pity show. I don’t want to make a habit of separate sleeping arrangements, but in this case I feel powerless to force a grown adult to sleep in the same bed if he doesn’t want to. Did I handle this poorly? What do you guys think I should respond next time he brings the separate vacations subject. It’s the same time different words. “We are two different people, let’s get divorced... we are two different people, I don’t want to sleep with you... we are two different people, I have nothing to talk to you about... we are two different people, (the newest) let’s go on separate vacations”.

[snowglobe]

I had the impulsive knee jerk desire to find out what happened? What again provoked this unwarranted reaction. My cognitive process tells me that I did not do anything to warrant for this behaviour and treatment. Yet, this desire to serve and be useful, try to be better motivated me to send him the following response “Help me understand, what is this sudden reaction to? We spent a day together, ate and took a nap. What about me made you upset thereafter?”
He didn’t respond to this message, as there is nothing he can say to me. There aren’t any grounds.

[formflier]

Why not get a lock for the room you will use for online therapy/privacy?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Why not get a lock for the room you will use for online therapy/privacy?

Best,

FF

I can find the time and space to sit safely through an online setting. I am still waitlisted For counselling. As I came down and tried to persuade him to come upstairs he told me that he is fed up with the children, me, the house, life in general and needs a vacation alone somewhere. He also told me that he doesn’t want to go upstairs, he was going to sleep alone for at least a week.

[Cat Familiar]

Does it bother you to sleep alone?

When he behaves cruelly to you, do you still want him in the same bed?

[snowglobe]

Does it bother you to sleep alone?

When he behaves cruelly to you, do you still want him in the same bed?

It bothers me greatly, my childhood fears of being rejected by distorted parents come flooding back. They too punished each other with leaving the marital bed, in fact I don’t remember them sleeping soundly and without the cloud of anger towards each other. When undiagnosed husband leaves me, he doesn’t do it peacefully. It’s always served as “you disgust me, because you are disgusting, I find it unbearable to sleep next to such despicable human being”. Which I understand validates the inner monologue that unless others like me, I’m unlovable and not worthy of being cared for. My sleep gets interrupted, this on one week, off one week sleeping arrangement is making my already shaky mental state Hyper-aroused.
To your second question- I want him sleeping next to me and not threaten me with divorce (hasn’t done on a year) separate vacations or simply telling me that he is fed up with the family life, including the children.

[snowglobe]

How likely do you think it is that he would consent to being diagnosed and medicated?

And if he refuses, what's your plan?

I think that the percentage of that happening is ten out of one hundred. That is still large enough for me to hold out hope. He went along during the summer to explore how the therapist can help us enhance the sex life. He is obsessed with “perfect” sex life, where His wildest fantasies become a reality. We quickly boiled down, over the several sessions that he doesn’t have the consent of intimacy, nor as it turned out did he want to work at it.
If he refuses and it’s a year from now, where the eldest child will go away to college, I will only have one minor dependent and then I will make an ultimatum. I leave, unless you are in therapy, I’m not coming back. I give myself a year to find a steady employment, save money, document the disorder and leave. The  ultimatum is unlikely to work, same 10%. He will likely do impulsive things to “get back at me”; such as cheating, drugs and risky investments. I do not think I could take him back if the first one were to become a reality. I hold out the hope he will seek help. With me and the kids being around and doing the “containment”, minimizing the consequences and doing damage control he is not motivated to seek help. His sexual infatuation towards me is long gone. With no ability to empathize or emotional intimacy, he sees me as this annoying liability he can’t get rid of. At times I become a useful tool to help him achieve his goal. To more then that.

[Notwendy]

Hi Snowglobe-
One piece of advice about ultimatums is that, one should not make them unless they can stick by them.

So you have to be really clear that this ultimatum is about you, not him- that you will do it no matter what, because from what you have said, he's likely to test it by raising his abusive behavior.

You are still quite invested in this relationship emotionally. You still want to share a bed with him, you still have hope that he will change and things will be better for you. These are two emotionaly "staying" points for you, so when/if you make this ultimatum, you need to be sure you can emotionally manage these.

You are still relying on your H for the economic support of your family. Once your older child goes to college, she still relies on your H to help with tuition. Your son has his needs as well. If you want to plan for this ultimatum, what can you do to be in a position to not need your H's economic support one year from now?

If your motive to give him this ultimatum is done out of the wish to get him into therapy- this is not likely to work. Therapy works when someone is motivated to do the work themselves, not under threat or ultimatum. If he's not motivated himself, he may refuse or go enough times to get you to stay but not really work at personal change.

For the ultimatum to be about you, you need to be ready emotionally to decide " I've done all I can do and no longer have hope for this relationship". You would also have to have a way to support yourself and your family, and be OK with that amount.

For your D, you need to consider the consequences of her in college and the cost of that college before she chooses one. Knowing your H's pattern, he likes the best of things and he may use the college tuition as leverage.

If parents are married, colleges use the parents' income to determine financial aid- whether or not the child is given the money. This keeps wealthy families from using the college financial aid money and allows them to assist the students who really need it.

For divorced parents, I think they use the income of the custodial parent to determine financial aid ( you will need to confirm this as I am not divorced and so didn't go through this process with colleges- I have heard this from friends)

If your D gets some assistance for merit or athletics, this isn't dependent on parents' income, but it may or may not cover the full cost of college.

A year from now, if you take this ultimatum, your D might still be dependent on your H for college tuition, whether or not he pays for it. Using this ultimatum only a few weeks before your child starts college might have a huge detrimental effect on her. Look at when her colleges begin to accept the FAFSA and get things in order before that if you are seriously considering this ultumatum.

[formflier]

I'm curious how the conversation and decision making went for your guys to start therapy.

I'm also curious how the conversation and decision making went for you guys to stop therapy.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

It's not difficult to imagine that he'd take up the invite to go to sex therapy to enhance his own fun. The result that he didn't buy into actually getting consent and having sex in the context of a loving relationship tends to confirm that it was for his own fun.

"Hey honey, let's go to therapy so we can learn to do more wild and fun things in bed". Not sure how many people would refuse that.

"Hey honey, let's go to therapy and talk about our feelings and how we can improve our relationship"  is a different invitation.

Snowglobe, when it comes down to it, it's your fears and need to be with your H, no matter how he treats you. You want him to respect you and care about you. You are afraid you are unlovable. But it may also be that he isn't able to care and respect another human being.

No matter what he does or feels, you need to believe you are lovable and you need to love and respect yourself. This means being able to sleep alone without fear, to know you are going to be OK if you do. This will take some personal work with you, your own therapy. Like we have said in the other threads, take the focus off him, on to you, and invest your therapy and time in you- then you will be able to focus on what to do next.

[snowglobe]

I'm curious how the conversation and decision making went for your guys to start therapy.

I'm also curious how the conversation and decision making went for you guys to stop therapy.

Best,

FF

The initiation was done during one of the drug use binges, when he was high out of his mInd demanding extra kink and complaining of unsatisfactory experience. I offered to explore an option of counselling with someone who specializes in the “bedroom related issues”. We quickly sent several inquires, he was picking the counsellors based on their physical attractiveness level. A female therapist booked us in and asked intake questions. On the second session she declared that undiagnosed husband is struggling with emotional intimacy and trauma, which she would like to focus on to help him achieve more satisfactory experience in the bedroom. He have one more shot, after initially stating that this isn’t what he signed up for. She didn’t encourage the extra kink, or fecilate the mind blowing experience. We continued talking about traumas and their impact on the relationships. After the third session he announced that he was not interested in learning or practicing emotional intimacy, he has no use for it and that he was done with therapy. That was it. The counsellor encouraged us to come back, even separately, but undiagnosed husband sees no use of emotional intimacy. By then I was on the list for individual counseling.

[snowglobe]

Hi Snowglobe-
One piece of advice about ultimatums is that, one should not make them unless they can stick by them.

So you have to be really clear that this ultimatum is about you, not him- that you will do it no matter what, because from what you have said, he's likely to test it by raising his abusive behavior.

You are still quite invested in this relationship emotionally. You still want to share a bed with him, you still have hope that he will change and things will be better for you. These are two emotionaly "staying" points for you, so when/if you make this ultimatum, you need to be sure you can emotionally manage these.

You are still relying on your H for the economic support of your family. Once your older child goes to college, she still relies on your H to help with tuition. Your son has his needs as well. If you want to plan for this ultimatum, what can you do to be in a position to not need your H's economic support one year from now?

If your motive to give him this ultimatum is done out of the wish to get him into therapy- this is not likely to work. Therapy works when someone is motivated to do the work themselves, not under threat or ultimatum. If he's not motivated himself, he may refuse or go enough times to get you to stay but not really work at personal change.

For the ultimatum to be about you, you need to be ready emotionally to decide " I've done all I can do and no longer have hope for this relationship". You would also have to have a way to support yourself and your family, and be OK with that amount.

For your D, you need to consider the consequences of her in college and the cost of that college before she chooses one. Knowing your H's pattern, he likes the best of things and he may use the college tuition as leverage.

If parents are married, colleges use the parents' income to determine financial aid- whether or not the child is given the money. This keeps wealthy families from using the college financial aid money and allows them to assist the students who really need it.

For divorced parents, I think they use the income of the custodial parent to determine financial aid ( you will need to confirm this as I am not divorced and so didn't go through this process with colleges- I have heard this from friends)

If your D gets some assistance for merit or athletics, this isn't dependent on parents' income, but it may or may not cover the full cost of college.

A year from now, if you take this ultimatum, your D might still be dependent on your H for college tuition, whether or not he pays for it. Using this ultimatum only a few weeks before your child starts college might have a huge detrimental effect on her. Look at when her colleges begin to accept the FAFSA and get things in order before that if you are seriously considering this ultumatum.

Wendy, you bring up some  important points, such as still using the d as the leverage in order to rein me in. I agree with everything from tuition costs to the emotional toll it may take on her if things went sour prior to her big change. The dead line I created is arbitrary in nature. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with this madness. Just as I can predict that seemingly nice weather is bound to change to rain and season change, I am very aware of the comprbid disorders that are relevant to the undiagnosed husband. With me being back at home with them, not having to share my time between the cities, it is becoming increasingly difficult to stay mentally and physically healthy with a disordered person who is projecting his negative world on to me like a projector. I do sympathize with him and his pain, it’s awe full to have these emotional swings from despair and depression to elation and grandiosity. Unlike him, I actually want to experience emotional intimacy some day, and I don’t want to do it behind his back. If he isn’t willing or able to provide me with my needs, I want to experience what it would be like to be with a person who wants to be with me, without me chasing them around the globe and begging for attention.

[formflier]

By then I was on the list for individual counseling.

So you have continued to go see her?

I'm hoping that you kept going, even though he quit. 

Plus...are you ready to now believe your husband. 

He doesn't want emotional intimacy with you...

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

So you have continued to go see her?

I'm hoping that you kept going, even though he quit. 

Plus...are you ready to now believe your husband. 

He doesn't want emotional intimacy with you...

Best,

FF

She is counsellor and I am on a wait list for individual clinical psychology. My turn should come up any week now.
I am starting to believe him... it’s disheartening 

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe-
I think your H has been clear about who he is.
He's the one who isn't happy with the sex life- so you go to therapy to fix that for him?
He's told you he isn't interested in therapy to achieve emotional intimacy with you.

I think on your part, you still have hope he will change and become the person you want him to be. But for that to happen, he needs to want to change.

There's also the economics of staying with him. You are aware that he's able to provide for the family better than you can. However, it's also a means of control for him.

For your D, if she depends on him for college, he will control that too.

I don't know where she is in her attachment to him.


While you are concerned about your children getting "what they need", I also would advise you to decide what that need is and have a discussion with your D. Seeing the past behavior of your H, he wants the best of everything- the best home, the best car, but these are expensive too.

Your D is not likely to qualify for need based financial aid. She may get an athletic scholarship but those don't always cover the full cost of college. Private college tuition runs around 50K  a year- then add room/board, books and extras. Times 4 for all 4 years.

I don't know how the Canadian system works with public schools. I think it is less costly than the US system. In actuality, public colleges are just fine and a college education is more about what the student puts into it and how hard they work, rather than the "name" of the college.

Your H has over extended himself financially with houses, cars- I imagine he's thinking about an expensive college too? But you may also be setting your D up with the same dynamics you are in now- her father can also control her via finances in college.

What college choice will be better for her? The one that Dad controls, or the one she can better manage herself if she needs to?

[formflier]

So..I'm obviously struggling because I don't understand the system up there as good as I do in the US.
 
Wasn't there a  psychologist that you and your family was involved with for a little while.

I seem to remember threads about what parts of your relationship you would reveal and what parts to keep private.

Am I remember this right and is this provider still part of your healthcare?  If not..what happened?

Then there was this counselor you were seeing with your hubby, hubby quit going and you apparently don't have the option to keep going...you had to get on a wait list, even though you were going for a while.

Is this the same counselor?

Anyway..my hope for you is to find something consistent for you to stabilize your life.  That should help you make informed decisions about your future.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

So..I'm obviously struggling because I don't understand the system up there as good as I do in the US.
 
Wasn't there a  psychologist that you and your family was involved with for a little while.

I seem to remember threads about what parts of your relationship you would reveal and what parts to keep private.

Am I remember this right and is this provider still part of your healthcare?  If not..what happened?

Then there was this counselor you were seeing with your hubby, hubby quit going and you apparently don't have the option to keep going...you had to get on a wait list, even though you were going for a while.

Is this the same counselor?

Anyway..my hope for you is to find something consistent for you to stabilize your life.  That should help you make informed decisions about your future.

Best,

FF

Ff, we have universal free healthcare system which only applies to people with MD designation, such as psychiatrists, they are fully covered and free to access. Psychologists are considered “paramedical services”, my husband’s company has a small extended insurance coverage that covers roughly 4 visits per year. Everything extra is out of pocket expense.
First person
The psychologist involved with family is there mostly for the children, he is child and family clinical psychologist. Due to my younger child’s special needs he was actively involved in the treatment for the past 8 years. He also dealt with the eldest child when the issues arose. He consulted me when things were trying amidst COVID. He is extremely booked, when he does have appointment time, it revolves mostly around the younger child’s ongoing childhood disability (limited funding). He is still part of the treatment team, but I am waiting to start seeing a (second person) clinical psychologist for my own therapy, not a counsellor. I believe that in order to survive in these relationships, I need someone with extended knowledge and expertise in abnormal psychology. She never treated me, but comes recommended and specializes in personality and mood disorders. I value the ongoing support I need here, but sometimes I need to speak to someone live in the midst of mania or mixed episode that the undiagnosed husband goes through.
(Third person)
The counsellor we saw together was in the frame of the couple’s counselling, I do not believe she possesses adequate credentials, or experience to help me reign undiagnosed husband’s destructions in. I am reluctant to spend limited resources I have on therapy with someone that I don’t have complete trust in.
I hope this explains it better. I saved some funds to put aside as emergency funding, that is kept in a secured location. I’m the only person who has The access to it. First, I thought these funds are for when undiagnosed husband stops giving me money for food. Then I thought it was going to go towards eldest child’s tuition fee. Then it was a retainer for legal services I never followed through. At the moment these are the means for a year long committed psychological treatment that I will pay for, regardless of what undiagnosed husband will do or say. I won’t announce it, or inform anyone of this, in case he would want to subpoena her. He already gave me a taste of such scenario, you are crazy one and need treatment, I’m perfectly alright and happy with myself. I will not get any treatments.

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe-
I think your H has been clear about who he is.
He's the one who isn't happy with the sex life- so you go to therapy to fix that for him?
He's told you he isn't interested in therapy to achieve emotional intimacy with you.

I think on your part, you still have hope he will change and become the person you want him to be. But for that to happen, he needs to want to change.

There's also the economics of staying with him. You are aware that he's able to provide for the family better than you can. However, it's also a means of control for him.

For your D, if she depends on him for college, he will control that too.

I don't know where she is in her attachment to him.


While you are concerned about your children getting "what they need", I also would advise you to decide what that need is and have a discussion with your D. Seeing the past behavior of your H, he wants the best of everything- the best home, the best car, but these are expensive too.

Your D is not likely to qualify for need based financial aid. She may get an athletic scholarship but those don't always cover the full cost of college. Private college tuition runs around 50K  a year- then add room/board, books and extras. Times 4 for all 4 years.

I don't know how the Canadian system works with public schools. I think it is less costly than the US system. In actuality, public colleges are just fine and a college education is more about what the student puts into it and how hard they work, rather than the "name" of the college.

Your H has over extended himself financially with houses, cars- I imagine he's thinking about an expensive college too? But you may also be setting your D up with the same dynamics you are in now- her father can also control her via finances in college.

What college choice will be better for her? The one that Dad controls, or the one she can better manage herself if she needs to?

Wendy, thank you for the input, at times I really feel validated and understood. I stay for many reasons, predominantly for the access to resources I wouldn’t be able to provide for the children. The colleges she wants to apply to vary, we will have to make several applications to ensure her acceptance. So far he is willing to pay for it. If not, I have a small resource bank I managed to save, which would last her about a year, tuition only. I can always borrow to cover her costs, I won’t jeopardize her future.  Things are complicated, in a way that I lost the rose glasses, which makes it hard to live day to day knowing that the moods shift daily/weekly. I’m applying to positions, so far no interviews yet.

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe- while it's clear that you care about your children, I think posters have been telling you to "put your oxygen mask on first"- help yourself- as that will enable you to also take care of anyone else better.

If you use your funds to pay for your child's college, you will be even more dependent on your H than you are now. He may say he's willing to pay for college now but his mood changes with the weather and likely there will be some control and contingency for your D for those funds.

In addition, your D has seen that the way to get something is to have Daddy pay for it and tolerate what he does. Will she take this lesson into marriage one day and marry someone like her father?

I don't suggest you cut her off in college, but perhaps the best lesson for her would be to help pay for it and choose a less expensive one, and learn that she's capable of taking care of herself and doesn't have to tolerate her father's behavior.

In my family, it was my BPD mother who controlled any money from my father. I didn't want my education to be in her control. I chose the less expensive college and worked so that I wasn't completely dependent on my parents.

I know you won't let your H jeapordize your future, but it's also time for your D to begin to take that perspective. To me, education was my way of becoming independent and not being reliant on a controlling and emotionally abusive parent. This motivated me to work hard in college.

Your D is the age you were when your mother promoted marriage as a means of economic survival. This is reflective of her background and culture she grew up in. It's still prevalent in many cultures. It's not wrong- it's what she knew to do. It also can turn out to be a good arrangement provided the husband is kind and loving to his family and that each person in the arrangement does their part in working together in their respective roles.

But it's also an uneven power structure and when the one who earns or controls the money abuses that power, it doesn't work. Your D has choices. She can choose a different path. Yes, her education is important but there's more to college- one is to become an adult who is capable of taking care of themselves emotionally and financially.

IMHO, keep your nest egg and continue to work towards your own independence. This doesn't mean you have to leave. It may mean you can choose to not tolerate your H's behavior without the fear you won't be able to financially survive.

And staying for the kids? This is what my father told me at one point, he was putting up with my mother's behavior because of us children,  but that wasn't the reason. I finally began to understand how he was co-dependent when I had to work on my own co-dependency. For that, I needed help and I hope you get some help too. One doesn't have to leave a marriage to do this. You have taken some steps towards your own well being so far. Please keep it up.

[formflier]

  I stay for many reasons, predominantly for the access to resources I wouldn’t be able to provide for the children. 

Is this true?  I don't believe this is accurate.

What did you learn in your visits with those Ls about whether or not your husband would be legally allowed to cut off funds for you and the children?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Is this true?  I don't believe this is accurate.

What did you learn in your visits with those Ls about whether or not your husband would be legally allowed to cut off funds for you and the children?

Best,

FF

Ff, I respect you trying to encourage me to consider “reality check”. Legally is is not allowed, but law goes only thus far. Without going too much into the detail, all of the actual equity and wealth that undiagnosed husband possesses is not on the books, it is not reachable or traceable without him wanting to cooperate. He stated, in many veiled or at times up front statements, as long as I play nice he provides for the kids. If I do anything “unwise or selfish” and try to go after the money , he won’t spare them in terms of the financial support. On previous occasions he threatens to pick up and leave with the money and live in another country. I believe he is fully capable for that. His “businesses” are small fractions of the actual picture. COVID situation only exacerbated what was already there. With people around me struggling financially to make the ends meet and stay afloat, I am extra cautious against making any changes. I remember in detail going from financial abundance and wealth in my family of origin to severe poverty once my mom was the divorcee. I wasn’t spared either, I want to protect the kids from experiencing such trauma. Things people take for granted such as teeth cleaning, school supplies, computers and food are luxury for some people.