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Author Topic: After 2 months, ex flaunting  (Read 690 times)
Carguy
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« Reply #30 on: August 14, 2020, 09:34:14 PM »

Good evening Cromwell.

Yeah she works there so when I would go there I often would see her depending on where they placed her.

That is a good question but her greeting people doesn't carry any weight when it comes to me. Anytime I have walked in and she is greeting she would look down or the other way making it obvious she was ignoring me and would say nothing. I said hi or hey and still nothing. I went through her check out once and she looked very angry and said nothing. When I left I told her to have a good day and she said nothing and continued looking angry. Another time I was in her department and asked where something was and she got angry and just pointed. It was 4 or 5 aisles over and halfway down but she didn't tell me anything. Just pointed angry like. Honestly if she treated another customer that way they probably would have complained. The last time I interacted with her I was walking out of the store and she was by the doors moving the row of shopping carts. I told her when she wanted her kitties to let me know (was never clear if I was still just holding them or taking back ownership of them) and she almost yelled very angry at me "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT THEM!"

Her job seems to have little bearing on how she acts towards me.

The friendship would surely help alleviate some of the current hurt and upset I feel. Not all of it though. I felt like she was the one, someone I would marry and spend my life with. We almost married several times. Losing that vision of a future with her will hurt for some time even with friendship. It would help with some closure though.
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Carguy
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« Reply #31 on: August 15, 2020, 02:23:11 PM »

Hey Cromwell,

So the guy she was flaunting at the car show, I think she may be seeing him.

Everything I have read says that while she is seeing him she will split him white and still split me black. From what I have read, I will have no chance at repairing anything even on a friendship level as long as she is with him.

I have also read that it won't last and she will do the same thing to him. From the past relationships of hers that I know of, this likely will happen. Her first marriage I think only lasted 7 months. Her second marriage lasted five years but he was in the military and overseas most of the time. She even told me that it was easier when he was gone because she didn't have to deal with all that stuff. I know of two boyfriends that only lasted a month, one best friend the lasted seven or eight months, and another best friend maybe that long too.

 In the four years we were together, one time when we are apart she started seeing another guy and that didn't last long before we were back together, then we went apart several months later and he was back in the picture for a month or so before we were back together again. Another time she said she want to start seeing somebody else and that never got off the ground before she got angry at him because he wasn't responding to her text right away or acting like he was interested.

Like Building said earlier, there could already be problems in the relationship for all I know if she's trying to flaunt him to make me jealous. Maybe trying to get me to chase her to keep me lined up when things go wrong with him. She may already be fearing abandonment. The therapist I talked to online said it is definitely an attempt to draw me back in. It is kind of confusing. She is cold and angry towards me but is trying to draw me back in?

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this. I still think that what you said about being cool and not pushing anything is a good idea. I think I will still stick to going shopping at Walmart every few weeks and if I do see her I will be cordial. Not try to talk to her about anything or reach out because that has not gone well in the past
« Last Edit: August 15, 2020, 02:28:48 PM by Carguy » Logged
Cromwell
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« Reply #32 on: August 15, 2020, 04:07:56 PM »

Hey CarGuy. good to hear from you.

Her job seems to have little bearing on how she acts towards me.

yes could be its tricky to guage, depends how good she is at self control emotion whilst at work.

I often had thoughts when I passed my ex work if I should go in, I was close to doing so sometimes, I got the thought "why should I not, just because she works there", but im not sure, something stopped me and it is a different strand of conciousness than just a thought that told me not to.

thanks and hope you are keeping well.
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Carguy
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« Reply #33 on: August 16, 2020, 12:00:37 AM »

Cromwell,

I did that too on the past and went in.  Then my friend suggested I stay away for a month and I did before I went back in. Then my therapist suggested a few more months and I did. I used to never shop at the other grocery store but now I've gotten to the point that I will do a lot of my smaller shopping there and limit how much I go into Walmart.

As far as her seeing this other guy, I will keep my distance and when I do go in to shop I will just give her a hey or see ya and nothing more if she looks at me. Just simple acknowledgment and being cordial.

I do recall a year ago when she pushed me away and broke up with me and then decided she wanted to see another guy. We didn't talk for 6 weeks and then we started talking. She was upset with the other guy because it never got off the ground. He wouldn't respond to her text right away, sometimes up to day or two, and wasn't showing a lot of interest in her from what she told me. I was empathetic and told her I could understand her being upset and when we talked about it I told her there could be several reasons why he wasn't responding. A month or two later when we started getting close I remember she got upset for some reason and told me she believed I came back and tried to come between them. I used my empathetic tools I learned on here and told her I could understand how she would feel like that but reassured her that when we started talking about it I was trying to be empathetic and understanding of her and was trying really hard not to come between them because I didn't want to mess anything up with them.

I believe using the tools she actually listened to me and believed it. She only brought it up that one time and never brought it up again.

With that in mind, and the things I've read on here, I have to keep my distance because if it didn't work out between them and I was anywhere in the picture regardless if I did anything or not, it is very easy for her to blame me. I don't want that.

Thanks and I hope you are doing well too!
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #34 on: August 16, 2020, 03:31:12 AM »

Carguy.

Sorry if this has been answered elsewhere, but why do you want to be friends with this woman? Everything I've read has suggested that your life would be far better without her in it.
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Carguy
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« Reply #35 on: August 16, 2020, 10:15:33 AM »

Hey G.D.

Good question. I guess part of it is the fact that we have history. We dated for the last 4 years but have been friends for 15 years. I know there has been behaviour and actions by her that have been painful and unacceptable but in the same turn i realise she has a disorder so I try not to hold too much against her.

I also still have feelings for her. I really did think she was the one. We almost got married on several occasions. I'm trying to be cautious of those feelings. In the recent past I have reached out only to have her respond with anger and coldness. I'm catching myself now and refraining from doing that. When I do feel that I come on here. It helps a lot!

I also realize more and more that even though her bpd played a big part in all this, I brought quite a bit of my own stuff into this relationship too. There are things I could have done better.

I know that a relationship with this girl is likely not possible but I hate having all the coldness there too. We live in a small community so running into her is going to happen pretty often. I would like to reach a point where we could at least be cordial to each other and ask how each other has been. A friendship with her would likely be a more distant one.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #36 on: August 16, 2020, 07:00:36 PM »

Hi CarGuy

Hey Cromwell,

Like Building said earlier, there could already be problems in the relationship for all I know if she's trying to flaunt him to make me jealous. Maybe trying to get me to chase her to keep me lined up when things go wrong with him. She may already be fearing abandonment. The therapist I talked to online said it is definitely an attempt to draw me back in. It is kind of confusing. She is cold and angry towards me but is trying to draw me back in?

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this. I still think that what you said about being cool and not pushing anything is a good idea. I think I will still stick to going shopping at Walmart every few weeks and if I do see her I will be cordial. Not try to talk to her about anything or reach out because that has not gone well in the past

It sounds to me as a low-risk approach. I say low risk rather than zero risk. My thoughts are is that it offers more opportunity for closure than to just try to ignore her existence, an impossible feat but also in my view leaves you walking away from that store or the car show with this open-ended feature of the relationship. It interests me a lot from my own experience of being left with the feeling that "it somehow is not over", even with over 2 years of no contact, I might have done 'better' to have said at least goodbye if nothing more (or for her to do similar, whether in anger or otherwise). I dunno CarGuy, it just feels a bit strange to have had those feelings and a sort of soap opera style hanging cliff 'ending' to it.

I relate with you to the confusion and the hurt feelings, wishing you well and hope it works out.
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Carguy
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« Reply #37 on: August 17, 2020, 12:15:09 AM »

Thanks Cromwell!

I agree with you. I don't think I will continue to ignore her existence. To me that telegraphs that I am still hurt and angry at her. I think I will limit my trips to Wal-Mart and keep a low profile but when I do see her I will keep my head up, and if she looks at me I will be cordial, smile,  and say hi but not stare or anything like that. I will Telegraph confidence. How she chooses to respond is up to her. It may help with my closure knowing after all of this I was still decent and cordial.

Only time will tell how this goes but I hope for the best for both of us!
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #38 on: August 17, 2020, 03:44:56 AM »

Really tough situation. And I can relate to the feelings you have for her despite what she has done.

It must be extra tough since you two are in a small community with constant likelihood of bumping into each other.
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Carguy
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« Reply #39 on: August 17, 2020, 09:06:05 AM »

G.D.

It is a tough situation. Still having feelings for her but knowing I can't act upon them is hard. I know I have to guard my heart when I see her so that drives my anxiety crazy.

Since we are in a small community and will run into each other from time to time I think I will just smile and be positive when I see her. Maybe over time the coldness will subside so it's not so awkward when we do run into each other.
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