Is there any good that comes out of announcing your knowledge of BPD?

[scraps66]

I have debated this many, many times.  I have never verbalized the words "BPD" to my exNPDBPDw.  However, at this point, I see more BPD behaviors in our S15 and it concerns me.

Ever since S15 and his S13 got phones Ihave struggled to monitor and maintain control.  Two years ago I found porn and a bunch of abusively pornographic text threads on S15s phone and porn sites.  He also had Netlfix on his phone so he had access to any movie he wanted to watch.

In response mother eliminated my access to the phone.  Her rationalization, "it's MY phone and you changed things that I don't know about."  Nothing about what S15 was doing. Nothing. In fact S15 would tell me the same thing, "it's mom's phone, not yours."

Fast forward two years.  S15 has grown into a disrespectful young man, including towards his mother.  She doesn't get it that all this stuff is related. 

I recently found a girl sending him topless pictures to his phone.  Along with what I've seen of his chat logs, his language is very "advanced" and graphic.  So I eventually send him a text about finding pornographic content on his phone.  That he shouldn't solicit this  material, should not forward it, let anyone else see it, and should not send similar.  I then text mother about this, telling her what I saw and blah, blah.  Mother is a school teacher.

This morning I go through his text messages.  In there is a message from mother, to him, that he is to talk to me, talk nicely, and tell me that he is not "using porn."  She's telling the child to have this conversation with a parent.

This is consistent with what I see in the text messaging.  She is constantly directing S13 and S15 what they should be doing while with me.  Using them as messengers, and always inquiring about, "Did your Dad do this, did your dad do that?."

I continue to ponder going back to court to do something.  I just don't know what.  With the prospect of being with these kids at home until December, and then dealing with court proceedings doesn't seem like a good thing to entertain.  Mom is proving to be an absolutely irresponsible lost cause in terms of me hoping she get's with it. 

S15 is dispectful to her and she tells him she does "all nice things for him."  She may, but she is too sick to understand she's only hurting him in the long run.   

[worriedStepmom]

I don't think it's worth telling your ex that you think she has BPD.  It will worsen your relationship with her.

It may be worth telling your sons that you think your mom has a mental illness.  That would be part of a larger conversation about harmful behaviors...if they are already recognizing those behaviors.  My SD13 has verbalized her discomfort with some of what her uBPDmom does and says.  Her mom admits to having anxiety, so we can talk to SD13 about mental illness and how it makes some people perceive reality differently and not see how their behaviors harm others.  We haven't used the term BPD with her (or described BPD characteristics as a set) yet. 

Mostly what we focus on with SD13 is modeling and discussing how to deal with bad behaviors, whether from mom or someone else.  How to set and hold boundaries.  How to validate emotions.  How to avoid triangulation.   How to defuse rather than escalate situations.  How to evaluate options and make good choices.  Objectivity versus subjectivity.  Healthy self-esteem.

She has a T to help with this.  My D14 (no PDs in the family) doesn't, and she gets the same lessons.

Outside of all of that, it might be worth consulting a lawyer to see if the text messages and putting the kids in the middle is enough to warrant asking for more custody, or asking for the boys to see a therapist of your choosing, or something else.

[livednlearned]

How would you bring it up if you did?

[Panda39]

My partner mentioned that he thought his uBPDxw had BPD to her, she looked at him like a deer in the headlights, never said anything and most definitely did not change any of her behaviors. I don't see the point of bringing it up. All it will do is either escalate the drama or at the bare minimum change nothing. It's a label and the issue is really about behaviors, focus on those.

Are your kids receiving any therapy?  That may be a route to go...get them a neutral third party that they can talk with, who can support them, and give them tools to negotiate situations that come up with their mom. (If your ex refuses to get the kids in therapy that may be something you could go to court for)

What do you think about parallel parenting? Letting go of what your ex doing at her house, stop caring about what she thinks about what you're doing at your house. Understand that she's gonna do what she's gonna do and radically accept that. I realize that this is letting go of some control and that is uncomfortable.

The stuff she is allowing the kids to do is both about controlling the kids by using things they want (appropriate or not) and it is also about baiting you.

How about you have a rule at your house about cell phones, that they are put away when the kids are at your house or they have limited access to them in a public place where you can supervise what they are looking at.  Mom (and the kids) will likely complain and your ex will tell you how she needs 24/7 access to the kids etc.  Tell her she can call them on your phone anytime she wants to and they can use your phone to call her.

In terms of what the kids report back to her, think about it is it a crime?  You didn't let them watch something they want to on TV or on their phone...big deal your house your rules.  Is what you asked them to do unreasonable?  Absolutely not...normal parenting we do it all the time. 

Our kids want rules and structure create that at your house the way you want to.  I would stop trying to beat the dead horse...you can not control what your ex is doing at her house (you probably couldn't even when you were together).  She will do stupid stuff and sadly your kids may have to learn some lessons the hard way.  My partner's daughters did and in 2015 they voted with their feet to live with their dad full-time.  They get who the problem is.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[scraps66]

How would you bring it up if you did?

I just want to blurt it out once like a Marmot, at the top of my lungs.  I realzie this would be a bad thing, she would trivialize and deny.  Maybe accuse me of being BPD.

[scraps66]

Are your kids receiving any therapy?  That may be a route to go...get them a neutral third party that they can talk with, who can support them, and give them tools to negotiate situations that come up with their mom. (If your ex refuses to get the kids in therapy that may be something you could go to court for)

Ironically, I did go to court years ago about therapy for S15.  Master's idea was to disallow therapy, yes, that's what I said, said no, but that we were each to get a psychological evaluation.  I thought that was a great stroke of luck for me.  Well, I got my eval, she avoided hers, three trips back to court.  She ended up getting a bogus eval from a very bad psychologist. 

In time since, have tried many times to use therapy.  Mother has sabotaged it each time.  She doesn't participate, has intentionally missed appointments.  It's never worked and right now neither one would go. 

Structure at my house is something I can work on.  It's been difficult through this pandemic since they are so unoccupied much of the day.

 

[livednlearned]

I just want to blurt it out once like a Marmot, at the top of my lungs.  

 

Honestly brought tears to my eyes laughing

I've been so diplomatic most of my life that when I am done fretting about something people around me get nervous and change follows. It's happened enough that I wonder why I just don't start this way  

For what it's worth, my SS21 was incorrigible and picked living with his uBPD mother despite court orders.

H let him move to another state and their relationship sort of ... disappeared.

But then the uBPD conditions experienced in SS21's new life seem to be so horrible that SS21 is actively making decisions to better his life, despite extreme negligence and covert aggression from uBPD mom to prevent him from moving forward.

SS21 has been asking H for advice and turns to him more. Not a lot, but more than before. He sort of had to sink to the bottom before he could appreciate the rope that H was offering.

That didn't mean H was hands off or allowed bad behavior. It just meant that they couldn't have a positive relationship when SS21 was at the height of his belligerence.

[scraps66]

Honestly brought tears to my eyes laughing

I had gotten a video on Facebook, it was entitled "My thoughts about 2020," and it was a video of a Marmot going...ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!...ahhhhhhhhhhhh!  I giggled so hard at that, so that's where I got the quote.

[livednlearned]

I found the meme online.

Honestly this put me over the edge  

[Crispy Waffle]

In the event you (or anyone else) is contemplating confronting their partner about being BPD... don't. I made that mistake. And the screaming marmot was more reflective of her response. 

Seriously, it was just like the description in Walking on Eggshells. She freaked out, insisted I was doing this to force her out of my life (she's the one that suggested separation, avoided dealing with separation, I helped her move, helped her with projects on her new house, etc... but yeah, I want her out of my life), and said I was the one that was borderline. It's like she was reading from a script.

Mind you, she is an LPC and BCBA and some of her first clinical work out of school was with BPD patients... hmmmm. So she knows what kind of loaded term BPD is. At the same time, she is high-functioning and it put her on notice. No telling what is going on in her brain, but it seems like she gets back in line somewhat when I throw out a hint or two regarding her maladaptive behavior. I just want to get through the divorce because I have no idea what kind of trap she may try to set, or whether she's going to spring something on me with a lawyer. Part of me wants to see her go bat-$hit crazy so her pathology is obvious to everyone, and the other part hopes she gets serious about therapy and fixes herself. The reality is likely neither, and we just continue to endure the BS, but try to keep it in a box.

[Panda39]

said I was the one that was borderline.

Projection much? 

Panda39

[zachira]

In some places, children as old as 12 can give permission for their own therapy and the parents are not allowed access to what happens in therapy if having the parents involved would be detrimental to the child and therapy.

[Crispy Waffle]

Projection much? 

Panda39

My wife could qualify as a movie theater with all of her projection.