Filed for divorce

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This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345556.30


So divorce papers were filed with the court today. My wife still has to be served. Moving forward, though. Thanks for the suggestion to start a thread on the legal board. I will do that at some point. And thanks for the kind words. It's helpful. I probably need to be more kind to myself right now.

I did go over to the house on Saturday to tell her in person that I was filing for divorce. It felt wrong to not have that conversation in person, even with the obvious risks. Her reaction spanned the gamut. First was some begging me not to do it, then some attempted negotiation that we try to make things better for a year and if it didn't work for me then she'd happily get divorced, then some pressure to not do it because we're in a pandemic and she can't possibly get a job and we can't sell the house and she'll be homeless and destitute, then some threats about making the process as high-conflict as possible, then on to how it doesn't matter because she's not going to survive it anyway, then the divorce papers became her "death certificate," then she promised I would never see or speak to her ever again, then it was just screaming and wailing. It was among the hardest conversations I've ever had with her.

Since then, every conversation (phone, text, or email) has been some version of one the above. Usually during the day it is more pleading. Then at night she gets drunk and gets angry, mean, and belligerent. Literally everyone in my life tells me to just stay away, don't engage, turn off the phone, etc. It is just really hard to do that. I don't love her as my wife, but I do care about her a lot. I see a hurt and scared person who can't manage her own life but is trying in the only ways she knows how to hang on to something. And currently what she believes is that everything would be better if I just came back home. She wouldn't drink, she wouldn't be suicidal, she wouldn't rage, we would repair our relationship and all would be well. I don't believe that (and I also don't want that life with her), but it's very hard to watch this person I care about self-destruct while telling me I have the power to keep that from happening.

And in the meantime, her sister (alcoholic cirrhosis, end-stage, hospitalized multiple times in the past year) is now in kidney failure and the hospital has told her parents not to expect her to come home. I don't think that's a reason not to move forward, but it sure doesn't make it an easier right now.

[stolencrumbs]

This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345556.30


So divorce papers were filed with the court today. My wife still has to be served. Moving forward, though. Thanks for the suggestion to start a thread on the legal board. I will do that at some point. And thanks for the kind words. It's helpful. I probably need to be more kind to myself right now.

I did go over to the house on Saturday to tell her in person that I was filing for divorce. It felt wrong to not have that conversation in person, even with the obvious risks. Her reaction spanned the gamut. First was some begging me not to do it, then some attempted negotiation that we try to make things better for a year and if it didn't work for me then she'd happily get divorced, then some pressure to not do it because we're in a pandemic and she can't possibly get a job and we can't sell the house and she'll be homeless and destitute, then some threats about making the process as high-conflict as possible, then on to how it doesn't matter because she's not going to survive it anyway, then the divorce papers became her "death certificate," then she promised I would never see or speak to her ever again, then it was just screaming and wailing. It was among the hardest conversations I've ever had with her.

Since then, every conversation (phone, text, or email) has been some version of one the above. Usually during the day it is more pleading. Then at night she gets drunk and gets angry, mean, and belligerent. Literally everyone in my life tells me to just stay away, don't engage, turn off the phone, etc. It is just really hard to do that. I don't love her as my wife, but I do care about her a lot. I see a hurt and scared person who can't manage her own life but is trying in the only ways she knows how to hang on to something. And currently what she believes is that everything would be better if I just came back home. She wouldn't drink, she wouldn't be suicidal, she wouldn't rage, we would repair our relationship and all would be well. I don't believe that (and I also don't want that life with her), but it's very hard to watch this person I care about self-destruct while telling me I have the power to keep that from happening.

And in the meantime, her sister (alcoholic cirrhosis, end-stage, hospitalized multiple times in the past year) is now in kidney failure and the hospital has told her parents not to expect her to come home. I don't think that's a reason not to move forward, but it sure doesn't make it an easier right now.

[formflier]

Will you know when she is going to be served?

What is your plan for that day?

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Will you know when she is going to be served?

What is your plan for that day?

Best,

FF

I had the lawyer hold the papers at his office for now, in part because I don't have a plan for that day. She can pick them up herself (she won't do that), or I can have her served at pretty much any time. I guess I partly want her to understand that this is really happening, and right now, I don't get the sense that she gets that. Obviously being served will make that real, but I'd like to feel like she (and I) are better prepared for that happening. My thinking at the moment is to give it until Friday, attempt some more conversations, then have her served next week.

[formflier]

Why not ask her if she would rather get the papers on Thursday or Friday of this week?  Go from there.

Is there anything from your history with her that suggests you will be able to "whisper" her into a better place to get these?  (there may be...I'm really asking..)

Otherwise...I'd say sooner is better.

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Why not ask her if she would rather get the papers on Thursday or Friday of this week?  Go from there.

Is there anything from your history with her that suggests you will be able to "whisper" her into a better place to get these?  (there may be...I'm really asking..)

Otherwise...I'd say sooner is better.

Best,

FF

Yeah, my plan is to give her until Friday to get them, and if she doesn't, give the go ahead to serve on Monday.

She really hates having things "sprung" on her, and her definition of that is very different from the rest of the world. So I do think having a more concrete timeline, and a few days to process that, will be helpful.

[Cat Familiar]

Do you feel like it’s your responsibility to stabilize her?

I ask that because this marks a big change of course and as you’ve observed she’s been all over the map with her responses.

Apparently that has been a role you’ve played before, trying to place the protective padding around her. If so, how can you begin to let that responsibility go, and feel like you’re doing what’s best for both of you?

[formflier]

So...is she going to be served on Monday regardless of what she does/acts out between here and then?

I would find resolve to press forward even if (fill in the blank).

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Do you feel like it’s your responsibility to stabilize her?

I ask that because this marks a big change of course and as you’ve observed she’s been all over the map with her responses.

Apparently that has been a role you’ve played before, trying to place the protective padding around her. If so, how can you begin to let that responsibility go, and feel like you’re doing what’s best for both of you?

Yes, I do feel that responsibility, and that has been the central role I have played for a very long time. I naively thought that filing for divorce would change that. Alas, it's not so simple. I don't know how to let that go. At the moment, I think getting out of town might be a good idea. I checked today and I have 14 weeks of vacation built up, so I could definitely take some annual leave. In the longer term, I think letting go of that will be the hardest thing.

[stolencrumbs]

So...is she going to be served on Monday regardless of what she does/acts out between here and then?

I would find resolve to press forward even if (fill in the blank).

Best,

FF

Yes. I've told my lawyer that. I guess her sister dying between now and then is the thing that would give me pause.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey SC-

I’m sorry you’re facing such a difficult time.  I’m wondering if waiting until Monday may be the way to go, tho’ I may be off with my thinking here.  However if she has a severe reaction, regardless of how you’ve already laid things out for her - psyche units and hospitals may be better (more fully) staffed on a weekday than they would be over the weekend.  Just a thought.

At any rate, as deeply painful and taxing as this step is, you’ve done everything you can to help her and to save your marriage.    You hold no responsibility for her reactions or her emotions.  You understand now that THAT responsibility never did belong to you.  That was a destination that took me years to find. 

Perhaps leaving town may very well be what you need to do to take care of you.  Sometimes it’s hard to know your own needs and feelings when you’ve been laser-focused on an other for so long.

Hugs to you, SC.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[babyducks]

how are things going for you stolencrumbs?    did you get away for some alone time?    was your wife served?    and how is your wife's sister?

Yes, I do feel that responsibility, and that has been the central role I have played for a very long time. I naively thought that filing for divorce would change that. Alas, it's not so simple. I don't know how to let that go.

you've taken on the role of stabilizing her for a very long time.    it's been a very consuming role.   it seems to me that separating yourself from her legally is one step of breaking this pattern.    it certainly places you in different territory so to speak.

you said that everyone in your life is telling you to turn off your phone, don't engage, stay away.    how does it feel to hear that advice?   what goes through your head when you hear that?   

'ducks

[juju2]

Hi Crumbs

so I haven't read all of your posts.
Did your wife get served.

what a huge wake up call she is going to have.

It takes courage on your part to end the current version of your life together.

I am separated from my s.o., he is diagnosed, untreated bpd.  Reading your early posts reminds me of how our life was. 10 years ago.
When I was way too involved with his day to day...we were in business together.
When I got a job and was not around him 9 hours a day, everything changed.
It was like his dance partner was gone. No one to do that with anymore.

It was better by virtue of not having that tornado in our life...

Now we are separated, we see each other once a week, and we are trying to build a foundation of friendship and trust and build a solid foundation.  I am in 12 step for co dependency which helps more than I can say, working on myself.

It's not my fault--i didn't cause, cure, control BPD.
I am not in the rescuing game.
I pause before taking any action.!  It helps to slow down the crazy making in my head.

When I change, everything in my life changes.

It's a miracle.

Some days are way better than others.

All I say is tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow things can be better.

Blessings, strength, hope

juju

[stolencrumbs]

how are things going for you stolencrumbs?    did you get away for some alone time?    was your wife served?    and how is your wife's sister?

you've taken on the role of stabilizing her for a very long time.    it's been a very consuming role.   it seems to me that separating yourself from her legally is one step of breaking this pattern.    it certainly places you in different territory so to speak.

you said that everyone in your life is telling you to turn off your phone, don't engage, stay away.    how does it feel to hear that advice?   what goes through your head when you hear that?   

'ducks

I have not served the papers yet. Her sister (who was 36) died on Friday night. It seemed cruel to me to serve divorce papers a few days after that. I incorrectly assumed she would go back home and be with family for at least a few days, but that hasn't happened. I was over at the house with her on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Tuesday. I feel largely guilted into being there. My wife is alone, dealing with the death of her sister, and dealing with the end of her marriage. It was and is hard for me to just leave her there alone. But it also irritates me that she puts this guilt trip on me, complains about being alone in all of this, and then refuses to just go home and be with her family. She is now her dad's only surviving child (she has a brother who committed suicide about 17 years ago). I know he would love to see her. I don't understand why she isn't there.

I told her yesterday that I was just going to spend the evening by myself. That didn't go well. I ended up with many phone calls and many, many emails. Plenty of suicide threats. At one point she shook the bottle of pills into the phone to let me know she was "serious." It's so messed up how normal that kind of thing has become. It's not far away from putting a gun to your head. I was talking to my cousin at some point last night about what was going on and he said, "so it's a normal Wednesday." Yeah, pretty much. I didn't call the police. She wasn't drunk and I have a pretty good idea of how a call to the police goes. She has a well-rehearsed story to tell, and has now added the threat of claiming that I abuse her. She calmed down after a while. I haven't heard from her today. It really messes with my head to live like this and worry about whether she is alive all the time.

I'm not sure how it makes me feel to hear that. I guess my first thought is "y'all don't understand." Then I think that if everyone else is telling me this, maybe I'm the one who doesn't understand. But then they don't really know all the dynamics. They don't really know my wife. And I think, no, y'all are the ones who don't understand. But I also know this has all affected me, and it's very likely I'm not thinking clearly about it. But I'm also stubborn and don't like other people telling me what to do. And I feel like if I do that, it needs to be because I have decided it is the right thing to do, and that I'm not a terrible person if I do that. But I also think that I'm not going to come to that conclusion or see that as long as I am in the middle of all it. And then I think "what is wrong with me? Why can't I stop doing this?" And by the time I work all day and try to think through all of it in bits and pieces, it's 5:00 and it starts all over again. And then I'm either over there trying to keep her from melting down, or I'm being inundated with phone calls and emails. Then I go to bed, wake up, and do it all over again. There is never break.   

[babyducks]

I'm so very sorry stolencrumbs.    you have my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your sister in law.   it is a very tragic story.

It really messes with my head to live like this and worry about whether she is alive all the time.

this is a horrible situation.    terribly terribly difficult.   it probably easier for us all to say don't call, don't engage, don't text because we don't feel the crushing weight of responsibility for some one else's life.    it's a terrible burden to bear.   it's not fair.    it's daily horrible decisions.     there are no good answers.    only equally rotten ones.

I'm really struck by your honesty.     always have been.     

sending you strength and best wishes.

'ducks

[Cat Familiar]

It’s true that no one outside of your relationship could possibly understand. But some of us have had similar experiences.

You speak about deciding the right thing to do and not feeling like you’re a terrible person for doing that. I went through thoughts like that when I began my divorce.

My ex husband had frequently threatened suicide, not as often as your wife. For that reason, I made our rifle disappear. I hid it in the woods until I could put it in the trunk of my car and I drove around with it for two weeks before I figured out who I could give it to for safekeeping. (Most of my friends wouldn’t have wanted it in their homes.)

Around that time, the neighbor across the road committed suicide with a rifle. He put it in a vise in his barn, with a string connected to the trigger.

I realized that there were many other ways my ex could commit suicide and that I wouldn’t be able to prevent him doing that if he was determined. And, like you, I asked myself if I was a terrible person for wanting to exit the marriage.

I decided that I had to get out, regardless of what he might do. As far as I know, he is still alive, apparently on the opposite coast, as I occasionally get a phone call from a creditor trying to track him down, even though we’ve been divorced for years.

I was so happy to regain my freedom after so many years of the devastating emotional damage his destructive anger inflicted upon me.

[stolencrumbs]

I was so happy to regain my freedom after so many years of the devastating emotional damage his destructive anger inflicted upon me.

I think one thing that's actually made this all harder for me is that I now have a pretty clear picture of that freedom. A few years ago, I had no conception of a life that included things I wanted and needed. My T considered it a huge breakthrough when I finally said "yeah, I want my own place to live and to not live in my office anymore." I just didn't think about what I wanted at all. But now I have. And I can see the life that I want, but I just can't get there. I feel like a starving a person who can see the fruit on the tree but just can't reach it.

[formflier]

 

Did she get served?

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

And just a little while ago, she sends me this:

"i do not have a crystal ball and i do not know what the future holds. i am not in denial. but i know what we need to do now.  we need to be good and kind and grab onto each other. we need to be making things better and loving each other and figuring out what the next steps are and supporting each other in that journey. maybe that does mean we end up not together. i don't know.  we need to be working on the house in earnest because it very well may need to be sold. we need quiet and steadiness for a time. we need to remember our goodness, together and we need to try to bring our best selves every day."

She didn't die last night, so that's a relief. But I have no idea what to do with this. Sounds reasonable. Except her idea of what it means to be good and kind and to grab onto each other is that I resume my full time role as caretaker of her emotions. And her idea of quiet and steadiness is me being there 5-7 nights a week and making sure she doesn't have a meltdown. And the idea that we are going to be able to work collaboratively on the divorce is a pipe dream. But this is the new deal she's putting on the table: You can be home most of the time and I won't freak out (as often) and maybe sometime in the future when the pandemic is over and I find a job and you help me move, we can get an amicable divorce. Or you not come over, proceed with the divorce now and prepare to go to DEFCON 1.

[stolencrumbs]

Did she get served?

Best,

FF

No. From a few posts up:

I have not served the papers yet. Her sister (who was 36) died on Friday night. It seemed cruel to me to serve divorce papers a few days after that. I incorrectly assumed she would go back home and be with family for at least a few days, but that hasn't happened.

[juju2]

Hi again,

I found it is difficult to go from being intertwined, to being separate.

I think we stumbled on to this.

There are a lot of colors, shades, between black and white.

[formflier]

No. From a few posts up:

I'm so sorry this has happened and sorry I missed it in the posts.

 

I think you were wise to pause things for a time.

Since she didn't go home...is she going to attend services/funeral?

How are you doing working through these new "facts on the ground"?

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

I'm so sorry this has happened and sorry I missed it in the posts.

 

I think you were wise to pause things for a time.

Since she didn't go home...is she going to attend services/funeral?

How are you doing working through these new "facts on the ground"?

Best,

FF

There is no service scheduled at the moment. Her grandmother is probably the person that would most want to be at a service, and she is 85, in not-so-good-health, and lives out-of-state, and so doesn't need to be travelling and attending a funeral with the Covid numbers as they are. So there will be a service at some point, but probably not in the near future.

I don't know what to think about the new facts on the ground, and I don't know what an appropriate time to wait is. I know this is hard for my wife. But I also feel like she is already using her sister's death as another form of manipulation. Last night it was that her "baby sister died five days ago and I can't bring myself to go see her for a few hours. How I must hate her." And again, I know it is hard for her regardless of their relationship, but they were not close. I doubt she has talked to her sister in the last six months or so. I have never heard her call her her "baby sister" before. I understand grief comes out in all kinds of ways, and I don't doubt that my wife's grief is real, but it also feels manipulative.

So I don't know an appropriate time to wait. My wife would like to wait months and "see what happens." I'm not up for that. And in the meantime, she wants to forget that a few weeks ago she was telling people I beat her, involving my family, emailing my SIL's boss, and emailing my boss. I would like to be helpful as she grieves, and I'd like to be supportive throughout all of this. But it feels like we're on different planets. She wants to pretend things are "normal". I want a divorce. 

[formflier]

 


Stolencrumbs

I want to commend you for the work you have done to adjust the way you look at your relationship and your future.  You have come a long way. 

I see lots of clarity in your thinking and analysis.

I see all that you need to know in your own writing. 

 But I also feel like she is already using her sister's death as another form of manipulation. 


She wants to pretend things are "normal". I want a divorce. 

What would you think of addressing this head on?

Directly ask her if she will be doing something like going to a service or attending a virtual service or something like that?

Directly address your conundrum with her. 

"I want to support you appropriately in your grief and also move us forward as our relationship is changing." 

If she is going to do something in the next week or so, then delay seems appropriate and compassionate. 

Longer than that (to me) seems manipulative, especially if there are no details about moving forward with ceremonies or grief.

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

She didn't die last night, so that's a relief. But I have no idea what to do with this. Sounds reasonable. Except her idea of what it means to be good and kind and to grab onto each other is that I resume my full time role as caretaker of her emotions. And her idea of quiet and steadiness is me being there 5-7 nights a week and making sure she doesn't have a meltdown.

did you reply to her message stolencrumbs?  the one about the crystal ball and bringing your best selves?   you've gotten messages like this before I know.   it seems like from what I read that these messages are temporary and transient. and it's not long before the messages switches to:

Last night it was that her "baby sister died five days ago and I can't bring myself to go see her for a few hours. How I must hate her."

     

honestly SC, both messages feel very manipulative to me.    one is the flip side of the coin from the other.   both are aiming to get you to do something that would be ~good~ for her at your expense.    Neither message recognize you as anything but an object to provide for her needs.   that's pretty sad.

I think it's painfully obvious that your wife is at a higher risk for suicide just considering her family history.   Her brother and now her younger sister who basically suicided through alcohol.     the risk is stark and real and immediate.

what is less clear to me is are you helping your wife stabilize or prolonging the dysregulation?   maybe a little of both?   your wife has threatened suicide almost daily for the last ... I think few years?     she has made several serious attempts and a whole lot of posturing.    and yet the same conversation happens over and over again and again.   as you said... it never stops.    she uses you as a whipping boy,   you are there 5-7 nights a week and making sure she doesn't have a meltdown.   and there is no opportunity for change and no opportunity for improvement.   the same thing happens over and over.

the question that keeps coming up in the back of my head is what is the merciful thing to do ?    are you really stabilizing her?    is this stable behavior?       you have prevented the house from being burnt down by taking the matches away or calling the police...no one can doubt the effort you have made to offer support, to offer help, to intervene in productive ways,     but is it really helping or is it enabling the same thing to happen tomorrow night?   I honestly can't tell.   and I don't really think it matters what I think.   it matters what you think.   it matters what you believe.     

I'm still wondering what is the merciful thing to do?   is it merciful to allow this pattern to continue,... to assume the role of caretaker since she is obviously so badly ill?   will protecting her, being her caretaker keep her alive longer?    is it merciful to allow these intense conversations to happen night after night with no hope for a shared resolution?  would it be merciful to set firm boundaries that might protect you while endangering her?   

I wish I had some really good answers for you.   I wish we all had that crystal ball.    what does seem likely is that doing the same thing  is going to get you the same results.   more barrages of text and email... more threats... more pills rattled in your ear.    if the change is going to come it will have to come from you and there is no guarantee how it will unfold.   that is tough stuff.     I hope you continue to make progress...

respectfully
'ducks

[stolencrumbs]

did you reply to her message stolencrumbs?  the one about the crystal ball and bringing your best selves?   you've gotten messages like this before I know.   it seems like from what I read that these messages are temporary and transient. and it's not long before the messages switches to:

No, I did not reply. I no longer engage the email and text conversations. By the evening, she was drunk and belligerent again. It cycles pretty quickly. It's always a little jarring to be screamed at that we need to choose goodness and kindness, and to follow that up with a guarantee that she will leave that house in a body bag. That doesn't seem to be good and kind to me. But that's the pattern. 
     

honestly SC, both messages feel very manipulative to me.    one is the flip side of the coin from the other.   both are aiming to get you to do something that would be ~good~ for her at your expense.    Neither message recognize you as anything but an object to provide for her needs.   that's pretty sad.

Yes, they both do feel like that. Last night seemed even more manipulative. Lots of comments about her sister's body not even being cremated yet. Yet her focus was on me and us, not on her sister. It felt like it was just another stick to use.

what is less clear to me is are you helping your wife stabilize or prolonging the dysregulation?   maybe a little of both?   your wife has threatened suicide almost daily for the last ... I think few years?     she has made several serious attempts and a whole lot of posturing.    and yet the same conversation happens over and over again and again.   as you said... it never stops.    she uses you as a whipping boy,   you are there 5-7 nights a week and making sure she doesn't have a meltdown.   and there is no opportunity for change and no opportunity for improvement.   the same thing happens over and over.

the question that keeps coming up in the back of my head is what is the merciful thing to do ?    are you really stabilizing her?    is this stable behavior?       you have prevented the house from being burnt down by taking the matches away or calling the police...no one can doubt the effort you have made to offer support, to offer help, to intervene in productive ways,     but is it really helping or is it enabling the same thing to happen tomorrow night?   I honestly can't tell.   and I don't really think it matters what I think.   it matters what you think.   it matters what you believe. 

I ask myself those questions a lot. I think I believe that I'm doing a bit of both. Though, increasingly, I don't know that I'm stabilizing anything. I think if I moved back home, that would stabilize things for her some, for some period of time. But that's not something I am going to do. The current situation seems more like just prolonging the dysregulation, or delaying whatever is ultimately going to happen. For a long time I felt like that was okay. I could prolong things and give her time to find other forms of support, seek help, make plans, etc. But none of that happened. Her solution was and is for me to come home, and there is no alternative, in her mind, or at least what she tells me, to that except her dying. So I now don't know why I am prolonging anything, except out of fear of what she might do to herself or to me. And it's not stabilizing things in any sustainable way. It is just making it to the next day to do the same thing again, and that keeps us both stuck in this awful pattern.   

would it be merciful to set firm boundaries that might protect you while endangering her?

This is the hard one. I think it would be the merciful thing to do. I think it is what needs to happen for me, but also, ultimately, for her. But that sure is hard when someone you care about is telling you that their life depends on you not doing that.   

I wish I had some really good answers for you.   I wish we all had that crystal ball.    what does seem likely is that doing the same thing  is going to get you the same results.   more barrages of text and email... more threats... more pills rattled in your ear.    if the change is going to come it will have to come from you and there is no guarantee how it will unfold.   that is tough stuff.     I hope you continue to make progress...

Yep. The evidence is in that doing the same thing will get the same results. I don't think my wife even disagrees with that. She just thinks the change that needs to happen is that I need to come back home. She seems to have no awareness of the alternative--that I actually set boundaries. She seems to think that I have to keep playing the same role, and have to keep taking all the calls and reading all the texts and emails, and spending hours a night on most nights dealing with a meltdown. And I suppose she has good reason to think that's what will keep happening, because I've never not done that. But I do think setting boundaries and protecting myself from that is what I need to do. And yes, that has to come from me.

I appreciate your input, 'ducks, and I appreciate the recognition that this is tough stuff. That's the part that people in my life don't seem to grasp, and that's frustrating.

[stolencrumbs]

 


Stolencrumbs

I want to commend you for the work you have done to adjust the way you look at your relationship and your future.  You have come a long way. 

I see lots of clarity in your thinking and analysis.

I see all that you need to know in your own writing. 


What would you think of addressing this head on?

Directly ask her if she will be doing something like going to a service or attending a virtual service or something like that?

Directly address your conundrum with her. 

"I want to support you appropriately in your grief and also move us forward as our relationship is changing." 

If she is going to do something in the next week or so, then delay seems appropriate and compassionate. 

Longer than that (to me) seems manipulative, especially if there are no details about moving forward with ceremonies or grief.

Best,

FF

Thanks, ff. It is really helpful to hear that it at least appears that I have come a long way, and in a positive direction. My wife obviously disagrees with that, and that is the feedback I hear most often. She often says to me that she doesn't know who I am now, and that she just wants "me" back. And she's right that I have changed over the last few years. I just don't agree with her that the change has been bad. I feel like a lot of what she does is trying to get me to revert to some version of how I operated before I had much awareness of what was going on and what my role in all of it was.

I have asked her directly, and I get no clear answer. The last time I asked if she had plans to go see her family, she told me I was just trying to get rid of her. So I don't think I'm going to get an answer on this, and that makes me think I just need to proceed in what I think is a reasonable time and at reasonable pace.

[Cat Familiar]

You’re no longer willing to play the same part in her dysfunctional drama, and that’s a good thing.

I imagine that if the gender roles were reversed, it would be much more obvious how abusive her role is.

I hate to say this as a woman, and as someone who lived with an abusive husband for years, but your wife has traded on her gender to get a pass for very abusive behavior for many years. She’s played the sympathy card in a way that wouldn’t be available if she was a man.

[formflier]

This is the hard one. I think it would be the merciful thing to do. I think it is what needs to happen for me, but also, ultimately, for her. But that sure is hard when someone you care about is telling you that their life depends on you not doing that.   
 

How did you feel typing your answer above?

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

How did you feel typing your answer above?

Best,

FF

I don't know. Guilty. Scared. Sad. Anxious. I'm convinced that it's right. I'm unsure about actually acting on it. I feel relief that I'm not that conflicted about the answer. Then cycle back through anxiety, guilt, feer, sadness.

[GaGrl]

You can know that something is the right action, while still
 Dreading how bad it's going to feel of how difficult it's going to be to get to the other side.

Can you try a different way of looking at it? This is called a time shift -- looking at a topic from a different point in time.

If you were ten years in the future, looking back on your marriage, your wife's mental illness and resulting behaviors and actions, and the decisions and actions you took...what would you want to be able to say?